Saturday, July 30, 2011

Reality Wins

When I was younger I spent most summer days home alone while my Mom worked. I remember being home for hours with nothing to do but listen to a record player with a borrowed copy of Tommy by The Who and a television set (that you changed channels by getting up and turning the knob). I am very aware of the loneliness of that time even now.

I would spend hours singing at the top of my lungs with the windows open certain that any minute I would be discovered by someone famous and whisked away to share my vocal styling with the rest of the world. I had my life all sorted out in my head. All the way through high school I was certain that someday I would be a famous singer like Barbara Streisand. I even went so far as to recruit my best friend in high school to be my costume designer. I can look back now and laugh at my naive thinking or maybe not laugh, but at least give a pathetic smirk.

My life is so far from that idea, that I wonder what I was thinking. How did I not live my dream? How is it possible that my life turned out so differently? I think now about how singing and music has always been a part of my life, if not through me then through all three of my girls. I even remember driving everywhere when all the girls were little with the radio turned up, singing at the top of my lungs once again. Eventually all the girls started singing along and music became a focus in their lives as well.

It all started with a lonely girl one summer and has rolled out into three beautiful girls that sing and love music. I would like to tell you that my soul is no longer lonely, or that I have overcome my desire to sing one day, but I have not. At 51 I still have days when I feel like I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to and I wish that I had lived my dream. But here is the thing, this is where I am, I am in the right place and my life is what it is suppose to be. I have the best life and a wonderful family that allows me to act crazy and lose my temper and they still love. This is bigger than the dream of a lonely little girl, it is reality and in the end, reality wins every time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Popped My Cork


After weeks and months of my life being crazy I have become crazy too. Last week I lost it the day we got home from vacation and last night I lost it again. I am tired of being stressed. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of cleaning up other people's lives, my cork has popped.

The stuff that my kids normally do that bug me, is really bugging me now. Mark told me last night that my reaction to things is not in proportion to what is actually happening. I guess that has a lot to do with the fact that my life feels very out of proportion right now. I have gone back into counseling hoping to regain the proper perspective. This is not going to be easy, but I think it is the only way to make sure that I regain my reasoning skills.

 
I love my kids, I love my husband and for whatever reason right now they are the bad guys whenever I get overwhelmed. I do not like feeling like this. I feel like I am an uncorked helium balloon whipping through the air crazy and out of control and my family is paying for it. It is not fair, but it is what it is. All I can do is keep reminding myself that I love them and I love me too and that is why I need to talk to someone that is not in the middle of all of this that can look in and see everything more clearly then I can.

 
For now I need to patch my relationship with my kids and throw some tape over my cork and make it a better day. It is no fun feeling sad and mad; it takes way to much energy. The things I have going on are not going away any time soon, so I need to get myself in check and not blast off again. The blast does not help any of us it only hurts all of us and reality is this is my problem not theirs. Today, I will be eating some apology pie and stuffing a cork back into my balloon.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Drama Queen


It happened out of nowhere last night, I was enjoying dinner with my NLMS (Newsletter Mom's) friends, laughing and talking away like I was all that and it hit me. My brain said "Shut your pie hole!" I was once again sharing stories of the recent estate dramas and I realized that I am always griping, explaining and dramatizing my life. It has been one thing after another and at some point people just do not care. I mean really how often can you blabber on about yourself and your latest family issue before people are sick of hearing about it?

 
While on the one hand I profess to wanting some boredom in my life, I think there is a piece of me that is a drama queen and likes that I have not one but two estate issues, a senior in high school in the fall, three highly dramatic daughters, a wonderful husband who sometimes pushes me right to the edge and various characters that pop in out of the dramatic bushes all of the time. Last night I just sat at the dinner table thinking, "Maybe I should stop talking for a while?" I was actually embarrassed by the amount of times I have had some drama to share.

 
I have said before that I feel like life is dragging me along. For whatever reason right now, my life is booked. I cannot even get a part-time job to fulfill myself, because I am too busy with the two estates, the soon to be senior in high school, the three dramatic daughters, the husband and the random issue of the day or week. For example, today I have a pile of shingles on my roof and a dumpster blocking my garage. Normally this would be great news, that I was finally getting my roof replaced, but instead I am watching it rain for the first time in maybe two months. It is not a pretty summer rain either; it is the Noah get your ark ready kind of rain. This means to me that my roof will have to wait until tomorrow which would be great except I am suppose to have Aly's God parents over for dinner to celebrate her birthday and I really do not want the roof mess in the way or the pounding of the hammers overhead.

 
So, out of nowhere last night I learned a lesson. I learned that I am not the only one with stuff going on and while my stories are entertaining to me, not everyone cares. I need to stop feeling like everyone needs to know what is happening. All of us have stuff, good stuff and bad stuff. Some of us are great about keeping things to our self and sharing on occasion and others of us have giant pie holes that they need to keep shut and make the time to hear what others have to share. I am not retiring from being a Drama Momma, that would be tough, but I am more aware and in time hopefully a much better friend with a zipped lip and a satisfied smile.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Plunge

If you are looking for me today you will find me somewhere with my hair on fire. I have had trucks backing in and out of my driveway and people calling and for a good hour my bowl of cereal sat on my counter untouched. I pretty much ate mush for breakfast today. Honestly, I had told Mark the other day that this is how it would be and then we laughed thinking that's crazy of course everything will go just as we planned.

It all began a few weeks ago when we started getting quotes to have our dilapidated roof done and our driveway replaced. We had received a small amount of money from my Mom's estate and decided to use it to get some things done to our home that we had put off. We got roof quotes and siding quotes and driveway quotes, everyone was here quoting. We finally made our decisions and started the ball rolling knowing we were on their list and hoping that it would all run smoothly. Then I got the idea that we should replace the pool we had removed from our backyard last year.

The pool we had was a small pool that some friends had given us. We had it for five years and the kids loved it but it had gotten old and worn out and it was really too small for the kids to invite their teenage friends to, so we took it out (actually Mark did the work, but it was my idea). As the summer has gone on I realized our family needed a pool. The girls had nothing to do when friends came over except hang out in my basement on the computer or TV or Wii and I was tired of it, so I made an executive decision to put the fun back in our yard.

So today the pool guy comes to put in the pool and the roof guy calls and has the shingles delivered on my roof and I am running in a million directions and answering the phone before I get a single bite of my cereal. All good things, but I had really hoped to spread all of this work out. I am just waiting for my phone to ring today and the driveway guy to be on the other end letting me know he will be here any minute.

I guess my point is that no matter what you plan or no matter what you expect there is always going to be someone or something that has different plans or expectations and you just have to be willing to take the plunge and roll with it. Speaking of plunging, I hope we will be able to toss a couple of kids in the water later today. Of course that could change too.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Piling On



A lovely photo of Aly and I after a long day of traveling,
obviously tired and delirious!
Can you imagine what we will look like at the end of senior year?

It seems like when the last thing you need is one more thing to do or one more thing to go wrong that's when one more thing happens. It feels a lot like a pile tossed on you. Kind of like when someone throws more laundry on what was already a full load. All you can think is "Really?!"

 
That is where life is right now, there is a feeling of waiting to be buried alive under the weight of one more thing happening. I actually had a dream the other night where two people were pouring water and suddenly the water became large and out of control and I was swallowed up into a tsunami. I can only assume that was my imaginations version of being piled on or swallowed up. It was a scary dream, probably more like a nightmare really.

During a conversation with a friend yesterday I realized that I can no longer think about my life in terms of everything being normal or abnormal or even overwhelming. I must think of my life as a game of baseball and hold out my glove and catch each new addition to my already full plate as an opportunity to make a home run. If I continue to look at things with a "Really?" attitude I might never get past the pile. Focusing on the negative seems to be perpetuating the problem. I have so much to be thankful for and I have so many positive things happening that keeping my focus on the positive and just giving a nod to the pile seems to be the best way to handle the situation.



So today, my positive is that I am spending the day with my two youngest girls and a couple of their friends. Aly has a doctor appointment this morning and then we are going to do a little shopping for a couple of items for Aly's senior pictures. Right there, is another positive. I have another daughter almost complete. Aly is speeding towards the launch pad and this year is going to fly by. That is another reason why focusing on the positive and ignoring the pile is a good idea. This year is going to be busy and all I can say to that is "Pile it on!"

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Real Deal


Welcome to reality. We are home and back at our real lives. I have spent the last couple of days thinking about my life and relationships and I am compelled to tell you neither is easy. When I say this, I am not speaking for just myself, but for all of mankind essentially. Life and relationships are work and there is no way of getting around it.

In my relationship with my husband I have ebbed and flowed my way through almost 19 years of marriage. Having been married before to a less then admirable man, I know how lucky I am to have such a great husband, but trust me there are days and there have been weeks sometimes when I lose track of why I love him and why I married him and literally just want to kick him. Until a few weeks ago I thought I was alone in this. A few weeks ago I met my NLMS (Newsletter Mom's) friends for lunch and we started talking about our husbands. I was relieved to learn that they had all been in the ebb of their relationships before and they all had dealt with frustrations similar to mine. There was a camaraderie of sorts as we reassured each other that it gets better, than worse, and then better again, thus the ebb and the flow of marriage.

Since no one is perfect, it stands to reason that there is no perfect relationship. Having been married to an alcoholic liar, I am well aware what is on the other side of the coin. Having a man that loves me and would do anything for me has been a big change from what I had in 1983, but it does not make it any easier when you are down in the marriage trenches slogging it out. Marriage and life its self is not and will never be easy, it is work and like any work the more time and energy you put into it the more you get out of it. There is no easy recipe there is just good old fashioned elbow grease.

 
The same can be said for children, again no recipe just hard work filled with frustration and disappointment. You pour every bit of who you are into these souls and some days they just look at you with hatred and hostility. Children can be ungrateful and disrespectful; they can also be the greatest joy of your life and the source of some of the greatest happiness you have ever known.

 
What all of this is is the real deal…life. You cannot wrap it up with a bow and make it pretty because stuff just hangs out, life and relationships are complicated and when things are real, they are raw and open. All you can do is ride the wave of the flow and sit tight through the ebb and eventually it all levels back out. All the reasons you fell in love, got married and had children slowly come back into focus and you realize that you are the real deal. You are not more or less than anyone else. You are owed nothing and you must work for everything and you are like everyone else, just trying to make it through life…real life.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Destination Maine…Home!


Boats in a Maine harbor

Another photo from The Giant's Steps


Avery and I at the Museum of Play in Rochester, New York


Mark and I our last morning in Maine (Note the giant tired bags under my eyes)


Our final morning good-bye to the beach interrupted by black flies
 I toyed with the idea of taking a picture of the laundry that was piled in my laundry room once we arrived home yesterday, but that would have required energy I needed for actually doing the laundry. I am proud to say I am doing well in the laundry department this morning with two loads done, one in the wash and one in the dryer and two more piled on the floor waiting to be called in. We are home. Sorting mail and laundry, catching up on all the little things that were left behind, is always the tough part of coming home from vacation, especially the part where you have bills waiting for you.

 
We arrived home about 1:30 PM yesterday afternoon. The upside and the downside to a mid afternoon arrival is that we had time to start laundry and even go to the grocery store for food. We also did enough laundry that Mark could pack up and head out for his golf tournament with my Son-in-law Scott, up at Scott and (my daughter) Ashleigh's house. Needless to say I was in bed by 9:30 PM exhausted.

 
This morning I woke up put the sprinkler on my dried up garden, folded laundry, opened a little more mail and did a few smaller tasks before plopping on my deck for a little me time. We have a Graduation party today (the very last one of the season) for a dear friend's daughter and my hope is that the intense heat will subside and the rain will come and go so that this day can be remembered fondly by the graduate. Before we prepare to head out to the party I hope that I can get a little time to just relax, read and pretend that I am still on vacation. I may not have the sound of the ocean crashing against the shore as I sit on my deck, but I do have the birds, a soft warm breeze and blissful quiet.

 
Reflecting on this past week, I am thankful for the time I spent with my family and my Cousin Laurel's family. I enjoyed our adventures and all of the sights we saw, many of which were awe inspiring. We are fortunate to be able to do the traveling that we do. I do have to say though that given the option, I might choose a family nudist resort next time. We saw a sign for a family nudist resort as we drove through Canada and being knee deep in laundry makes me think that a Mom came up with that idea.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Destination Maine Day 7 (Heading Home)


The tour at Brown University begins

More buildings on the pre Revolutionary War campus

Aly and Avery outside the Museum of Play

A very friendly butterfly in the butterfly exhibit

TIRED, that is how we are feeling. Spending another day at the hotel was a good thing since it meant we did not have to spend the whole day in the car, but it was not so good when you factor in that we did have another day away from home. We did not relax as much as we thought we would. We are on the road home now and should arrive there today around 1:00 or 2:00 PM, at that point I will immediately start laundry so that Mark can repack and hit the road to my daughter Ashleigh and Son-in-law Scott's house. Mark is playing in a golf tournament with Scott tomorrow, which may be a good thing for him since he has been cooped up in the car with women for a week a weekend of golf and guy stuff will do him some good.

 
Yesterday we decided to go to the Strong Museum of Play. We thought the idea of "play" sounded fun. Before we went there we drove through the campus of Rochester University. Aly is interested in this university as well and she has been since we toured the campus three years ago. We have a tour planned for the campus again when we come back to Rochester in August to visit our friends that live here. My hope is that by than we will have a few schools off our list and a better idea of direction for Aly's college education. After we drove through the campus we headed towards the Museum of Play.

 
We knew as we pulled in that this was not really a teen environment. We saw lots of people heading in and out with small children in tow, but we did not let that thwart our enthusiasm. We wanted to play and we also wanted to check out their butterfly exhibit. All in all it was a fun time with the butterflies being one of the highlights. We were all too big for a lot of the activities, but we made the best of it. the upside was we were indoors where it was cool. Like most of America it was HOT, with our car thermostat reading over 100 degrees.
Once we returned to the hotel we spent some time swimming in the hotel pool before we showered and went off to have dinner. Even with the best of intentions, we still did not have dinner until 8:00 PM. After dinner we made a quick trip to get gas and a few snacks for the car ride home. As we woke up this morning at 5:45 AM I told Mark I still had not digested my dinner and I was going to have to eat breakfast so I would not be hungry on the road. BLAH, I feel like a swollen congealed ball of fat!

 
So here we are, on the road hoping to make it home in time to save my plants from turning into dust. I remembered yesterday that I had plants out back I had forgotten to bring in for our friend to water for us. I also have a wayward cat that has not been home that I am praying will be OK in all of this heat. All in all a great trip with lots to see and do. I will say this though, I am wiped out and looking forward to being home and even the possibility of being just a little bored for just a little while. Oh wait, that won't happen, I have laundry, lots and lots of laundry to do.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Destination Maine Day 7

It was a long day yesterday. We hit the road at 8:30ish AM and finally at 11:15ish PM we stopped for the night. The day started out with the plan to tour Brown University and stay in Providence, Rhode Island and ended with us deciding to leave Providence to stop in Albany, New York. The problem with our plan was that something big must have been happening in Albany because there were no rooms available there. So we had the idea of driving to Rochester, New York for the night. Who knew it was going to be another six hours of driving? So here we are in Rochester, New York and our friends that live here are out of town, so we are spending the day poking around here and we have booked the hotel one more night so that we can relax and rest. We are all sick of being in the car. Tomorrow morning we will leave here early and head home. Ahhhhh home, that sounds wonderful, my own bed, my cats, my dog and even my deck, my very hot steamy deck.

The tour of Brown was exciting and interesting. We learned a lot, Aly bought a t-shirt, we had dinner and then we hit the road. At dinner we talked about Brown and the feeling was that it would not be a good fit for Aly. Aly wants the out of state experience, but feels Brown is too closed in and cramped. The whole state of Rhode Island seemed that way actually.

We have decided to head out from our hotel this morning and visit the Strong Museum of Play that is nearby. They have a lot of fun things to do including a butterfly exhibit, which I love, so I have to get ready. I will share more photos and updates tomorrow when we are on the road home. Its time to go have some fun!


 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Destination Maine Day 6


Aly and Avery taking a dip in the COLD Atlantic Ocean
 
My Cousin Laurel and I enjoying dinner after a beachy day!

A very happy birthday girl on the beach!

The house where we stayed

Time for birthday presents

A small amount of the sea glass we found on the beach near the house and an ocean tumbled shell

We are on the road again. We packed up this morning (a little later this time…8:15 AM) and left my cousin and her new family to enjoy the rest of the week together. Our next stop is Providence, Rhode Island, the home of Brown University. Aly has asked to tour Brown. So far Aly has only toured one other college and we thought that since we were nearby we might as well check it out. Aly has told us she would like to go to college out of state. I am not certain if Aly will actually go out of state to college, but I want to encourage her interest.

 
Both families packed up beach gear and drove to a beautiful beach about a half hour from the house yesterday. We spent the afternoon of Aly's birthday soaking up the sun and enjoying a very cold Atlantic Ocean swim. It took a while for me to lighten up and enjoy the beach. I seem to be carrying a heavy emotional load with me.

 
I am so frustrated with the feeling of being at the mercy of my Great Aunt's Grandson's. I woke this morning with my heart racing and immediately began to mull over the recent issue of the one Grandson calling past the final hour and making demands. When we left the house for the beach yesterday, I left my phone behind hoping that I could let this frustration go for the day and when I arrived back at the house I had an email waiting from the attorney telling me that the one Grandson wants the piano after all, that his father's girlfriend does not speak for him and that he would like a disbursement of the money from the sale of the items in the home.

 
I will not lie I said very bad words in my head when I read this email. If I could have a conversation with my Aunt right now, I guarantee you that I would give her a very large piece of my mind. The hard part is while this ingrate is acting all puffed up and full of himself because he thinks his ship has come in, I am still here morning the loss of my Aunt and to be honest my sanity. I know for a fact that this piano is going to be a giant PAIN and I will be trying to get the thing out of the house even after we sell the place. I am not positive, but I suspect that is why I woke up having an anxiety attack this morning.

 
All I can do right now is set this aside and enjoy the remainder of our vacation. I will deal with this utter nonsense next week. I am looking forward to a lovely, HOT day in Providence, Rhode Island with my family today and then we will figure out where we are headed tomorrow since we have decided to meander home.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Destination Maine Day 5


Visiting a Mother Natures handy work at a place called The Giants Stairs



View from the beach where we are staying
Today is Aly's 17th birthday. Seventeen years ago my second daughter was born and the world gained a beautiful girl who loves singing, statistics and math, plus school, acting and shopping. The world is a better place because Aly is here. Our plan is to take Aly to a quaint town nearby to do a little shopping and sightseeing and then if Aly is willing we might try kyacking. Right now all those plans are just my bright idea, she may have other plans when she wakes up, we will just have to wait and see.

 
Perhaps, I should tell you that I have been up since about 3:30 AM. I am fighting to get some sleep these days. I think it is somehow stress related, but I cannot say for sure. All I know is that sleep is in short supply. I will say that on Sunday as we were preparing for my Cousin Laurel's wedding I noticed a text message from one of my Aunt Nina's grandsons. He was letting me know he had called my cell phone and left me a message. He also added "I am sorry you were preoccupied". In the phone message he left me he stated that he had some "questions about the letter that he and his brother had received from the attorney and that I should call him. The letter he was referring to was the letter sent out letting them know that we had heard through the grapevine that they no longer wanted the items that they had originally stated they were interested in and that if this was a mistake they had a week to contact the attorney. That week was up last Friday.

 
I am not sure what happened to these boys that they somehow feel that they do not have to follow the same guidelines as the rest of. Every time we have set parameters in place for handling the estate details they have waited until the time was up to step up. I have been here with them before, when their Mom died and we cleaned out her house for my Aunt Nina. The boys and their Dad were suppose to show up at a certain time and "help" us, but they came four hours late and then got upset because we had started and had thrown things out. I am not sure but I think this could be a habit of theirs.

 
Anyway, I did not appreciate the call the grandson's questions should be directed to the attorney. I am responsible to my Aunt Nina's estate trust, I am not responsible to either of the Grandsons and they are not entitled to question me or the work that I am doing. I am sick of feeling attacked. This pip squeak thinks he is king of the hill and I am starting to think that perhaps I need to stomp on his hill. His tone during his message was insulting and I was extremely annoyed, so much for getting away and relaxing. AGH!

 
My plan today is to put that aside and celebrate my middle daughter. She needs to have some fun, and feel special and you know what, so do I. This is our last day here in Maine; we leave tomorrow morning to head to Rhode Island to tour Brown University. I hope we can soak up some sun and fun before we have to climb back in the car for the ride home. It sure seems like our vacation just started and we are already staring down the barrel of the end of it.
My Cousin Laurel preparing a delicious salad after an active afternoon

Monday, July 18, 2011

Destination Maine Day 3 and 4


We arrived in Maine in the afternoon on Saturday. What we found as we drove from Albany through Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and finally arriving in Maine was that trees were plentiful. It was a beautiful drive. Everywhere we were nature was bursting forth. Once we arrived at the house my cousin is renting for the week we found even more beauty since the house faces the inland waters of the Atlantic Ocean. How fortunate are we to be invited to the wedding and invited to stay at the house with my cousin and her family.

 
These have been an unbelievable couple of days culminating in the beautiful wedding of Laurel and Matt last night on the beach. They had a beautiful meal before hand, where the served steamed clams and lobster for dinner. After the moon rise ceremony we were treated to a delicious cake and champagne reception. It was a magical evening, as they said their vows in the horizon the moon burst forth in a bright orange glow and we all gasped at the surprise. In between all of that we have enjoyed spending time with my cousin and her family and friends.

 
Mark and I were asked yesterday if we would pick up the wedding cake which was waiting an hour away and we set out on the adventure of getting to the cake and getting back without getting lost or wrecking the cake. We also had the chance to see more beautiful scenery and some small towns we would like to check out in the next couple of days that we have here.

As I write this morning I am gazing out at the water and hearing it lap up on the shore. I can also hear the laughter of my cousin as she talks with her new husband on the deck and I am so happy for her. She has met and married a wonderful man that is calm, patient, kind and humorous. In many ways he reminds me of our Granddaddy that Laurel and I both adored.Now all that is left is the tidying up from the party and relaxing part of our trip. I think I have the relaxing part started already this morning all that is missing is a hot cup of coffee, which I am going to need since I enjoyed way to much champagne last night. I am looking forward to sightseeing today, but it will mean A LOT of coffee first!










Saturday, July 16, 2011

Destination Maine Day 2


All of us enjoying lunch/dinner at Cheesecake Factory in Albany

Tired Avery


Bridge over the Hudson river

The road warriors are off again. We just left Albany, New York it is about 10:15 AM and we are excited to be having this adventure. We spent yesterday afternoon poking around a local Mall. We had lunch/dinner and then checked into our hotel so that we could relax and reenergize. I think the good night's sleep has done us all some good and the travel today will be much shorter about 5 and half hours in total. The mix of the two has all of us feeling upbeat.

 
There is not much to share since most everything we are seeing involves bad drivers and beautiful scenery. It is a true blessing to be able to show my children this side of America. A few years ago when we went to visit my cousin Laurel in Colorado I felt blessed to share the West with them and now thanks again to my same cousin we are going to see the East coast. I spent a year here in New York, New York when I was in my early teens. Having the chance to show my girls and Mark this part of the country makes me happy.
I cannot wait to be with my cousin and her family again. When Laurel and Matt (her fiancé) came to stay with me during Aunt Nina's last week of life, we realized how much alike we are. I shared with Laurel at that time how much she looks like my Mom to me. While she was not thrilled with that I find it somehow comforting to have someone still in my life that I am genetically connected to (other than my children I mean).


This experience of travel is good for all of us. There is a feeling of empowerment about travel. You become more connected with the world and where you fit in it. You realize that you are just a small part of the universe and while you are small you play a big role. Every breath and every step sends your energy out into the world and being aware of that keeps you focused on the greater good. As I say that my youngest is in the back of the car laying down watching a movie on the portable DVD player so much for her greater good today. When I mentioned that she was missing all of the beautiful scenery she said "I don't care!" My work is truly cut out for me, it is a good thing I had a good night's rest.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Destination Maine Day 1






These are a few photos I took as we drove by the falls early this morning

It is 6:24 AM and we have been on the road since 2:50 AM. We were a little freaked out when we first started out this morning by the truck driver that was apparently trying to stay awake. He was swerving back and forth and was scaring the daylights out of all of us. At one point Mark just gunned it and we passed the guy. I just hope he pulled over before he hurt someone or himself. We have seen the sunrise and we are now enjoying the sun's early morning glow as we travel through the Canadian/Niagara wine country. We are making better time than we expected. We will probably be gazing at Niagara Falls in less than a half hour.

 
This is the most calm I have been in days. All the trip preparations are behind me as well as all the attorneys and estate issues. It has been one thing after another in the last couple of weeks with my Aunt's estate and along with that we are dealing with more issues with my Mom's estate as we (My sister Theresa and I) try to settle all of that so we can move on. It is good to be on the road and far away from all of that, even if it is only temporary.

 
Aly and Avery are sound asleep. They went to the midnight showing of the final Harry Potter movie and arrived home just in time to load up there pillows and climb in the car. Mark and I were able to get a few hours sleep so that we can drive safely and we are enjoying this road trip like we do every road trip. Our method of travel is what helps me know we are perfect for each other. Up early and on the road, driving long the first day so that we arrive at our destination early the next. I also like that we will arrive at our overnight destination while there is still some daylight. That's when we walk around the town, in this case Albany, New York and see what the city is like and have a bite to eat. I will not lie to you though I am looking forward to climbing into bed tonight for a good long nights rest. I can hear my bones already saying, "ahhhhh". Niagara Falls is only moments away, so I will catch up with you tomorrow.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Day Before Vacation


Aunt Nina at the age of three
At 5:00 AM Mark and I went for a run, we ran 2.55 miles. We came home and I took the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away. I made Mark and I scrambled eggs with toast. Folded a small load of towels in the dryer and put a small load of darks from the washer into the dryer and started a load of my bed sheet (I like to come home to a fresh clean bed). I than put the sprinkler on in my garden came upstairs got a cup of coffee and plopped down to write. Phew, what a way to start the day!

 
I am off and running, literally. I have much more I want to accomplish in the next few hours. I think I am packed, I know I am definitely over packed. With what I have in my suitcase we could be gone a month with no problem. I always tell Mark that "a girl needs choices". I do have plenty of choices, even though I know from past experience I will only wear a quarter of what I pack. The best part of all is that I am packed in a 20"carry on suitcase and I am STILL over packed.

 
I have just a few more small household tasks I want to accomplish before we leave. I love leaving a clean house, because I love coming home to one. It is bad enough that you have all the vacation laundry to do when you walk in from vacation I do not want to feel like I have cleaning to do too. I have stacks and piles near the door of items for my cousins wedding and food for the car, along with our wedding clothes and my own bag of things to do in the car, which will include my computer when I am done with it later today.

 
I am planning on writing on this trip. I want to chronicle as best as I can the things we see and do on our way to Maine and back. Just the fact that we are hitting the road at 3:00 AM on Friday morning makes for an interesting update. Did they get off at 3:00 AM? Where did they get by 7:00 AM? We have booked a hotel in Albany, New York for Friday night. We booked the hotel online and paid ahead to get a good rate, which also means we lose our money if we do not show up. We started this technique a few years ago to stop us from trying to push to far or to long. The trip is really only 15 ½ hours and we plan to get through 10 of those hours tomorrow.

 
The reason we are leaving so early is so that we can arrive in Albany, New York with daylight to look around and also burn off some energy before we turn in for the night. We have also done this in the past and it makes the trip more like an adventure. We have decided to drive through Canada to shorten our driving time which means we will probably see Niagara Falls in the light of early morning. I am starting to get excited. I am feeling the "to do" list shorten and the anticipation grow. I cannot wait to see my cousin and share her special day, but I am also excited to take our family somewhere they have never been. We are so blessed to have this opportunity. My only sadness continues to be that my Aunt Nina will not be here to share the stories of our travels with when we return. She always loved traveling and encouraged us to go whenever we can. She enjoyed our tales of adventure. I dedicate this trip to my Great Aunt Nina who helped us learn to make travel a priority.

 
If I can make our computer air card work on the coast of Maine, I will be writing and sharing photos and details of our adventures as much as possible. Excluding Sunday of course that day we will be busy getting the beach ready for my cousins beautiful wedding by moon light. Now I must get back to my chores and packing so that I can get to bed late and get up early. This is all very exciting.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Sleep Deprived

All I am asking at 3:46 AM is to fall asleep. Is that too much to ask? I am not sure how much longer I can go without a good night's sleep. This has been going on since my Aunt died in May and I am certain it has a lot to do with stress. Regardless of the reason, my body cannot take much more.

I am starting to look old and haggard and the bags under my eyes are big enough that I could pack for our upcoming trip in them. I have a difficult time speaking in a nice way; everything I say is short and to the point and sometimes the point is quite sharp! I know that part of my problem has to do with the fact that I was at my Aunt's house yesterday to check on it, and I had to see once again how disrespectful people were in her home. If something in the house was sold that had drawers, the contents was dumped on the floor. There were items still remaining that were valuable with large neon green stickers attached that were not appropriate for an antique and I was frustrated and upset at trying to pull the sticker off without harming the item its self. There is a part of me that feels like I let my Aunt down somehow.

I guess the point is that I am more attached to my Aunt and her life then I thought I was and it is keeping me awake at night. I have an appointment with my family doctor today and I will discuss this situation with him. That will not help me right now as I plunk away at the keys on my computer at 4 o'clock in the morning. I am sleep deprived and I have a boat load of things to accomplish before we leave in two days at just about this time so I am going to make an attempt to fall asleep for a couple more hours.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

One Mood

There is tightness in my shoulders. My teeth are somewhat clinched and my mouth is in a semi scowl. It is not a pretty picture, but I am in full steam ahead mode and I am determined to get myself and my family out the door and on the road Friday morning with as many bases covered as possible. The problem is that things keep happening that mess with my plans.

I set out yesterday with determination. I got my girls going at 10:00 AM by telling them they were my indentured servants for the day. They were not real happy with my plan, but I did not care, things had to get done. I was happily bossing my children around when I unexpectedly took a tumble down my basement stairs. It was just the last four steps and if you look closely you will see the skin from my back clinging to the fibers on the carpeting there. I was heading down the stairs on a mission, with a few items in my hands that I was planning to put away, when WOOPS I hit the steps and slid down. I have a lovely GIANT bruise just below my left hip and absolutely no pride left since Aly came running and had to look at me splade out like a game of 52 pickup. I am not as sore today as I had thought I would be so there is an upside to this fiasco.

I am in a "git 'er done" mood and it will be a miracle if we climb in the car early Friday morning and my family still likes me. Everything I say comes out in a grumbly stern voice and I have no patience for slackers. Some of this could be due to the fact that I am doing too much and have nothing left in me to play nice with others. Regardless, this is where we are at and we will make it through. I remember talking to my Dad and no matter what was going on, he would always say "I'm just picking 'em up and putting 'em down", at the time I thought it was a cutely coined phrase, but oddly that is exactly how I am feeling. One focus, heading forward, my mood is strong and intolerant and I am getting things done…yep sounds like my Dad. So in the words of my dearly departed Dad, I'm just picking 'em up and putting 'em down not a pretty mood, but the one that gets things done none the less.


 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Vacation Crazy

I admit it, I am one of those. You know the ones? They clean their house and wash their sheets before they leave on vacation people? That's me and today is the day, for the cleaning at least, the sheets I will wash on Thursday, since we are leaving very early Friday morning for vacation.

We are going to my Cousin Laurel's wedding in Maine. She is getting married at moon rise next Sunday night on the beach in Maine and we are thrilled to be going. Before we can go, I have a lot of necessary and unnecessary things I must do. Things like getting the brakes checked on my car. We dropped my car off last night and we are now awaiting the call. The here is how much it will be, hope you have enough money call, that keeps your anxiety level high until the call comes and the price punch hits you. Every day this week is filled with plans and tasks and I have to start my list today. I have had random things rolling around in my head and I have to get them out before I go vacation crazy!

The final addition to our already crammed list of tasks came last night when Aly and Avery went and bought tickets for the midnight showing of the final Harry Potter movie. Mark and I decided that we might as well start driving after they get home from the movie since the girls will be wiped out and we will be ready to go. That will be us you see driving on the road with all the truckers at OMG o'clock on Friday morning. The upside to this crazy idea of leaving early, we get to our overnight destination (Albany, New York) early enough in the day that we can look around and relax and perhaps even burn off some of the long car ride blues.

This will be a week filled with lists and stress and lots of unexpected additions to our plans but when it is all said and done, we will be with my cousin and my family in a place I have never been. I may be vacation crazy now, but by next Saturday, I hope to be past the crazy and on to just plain happy!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Yoke

Recently I have been more and more aware of the falling family debris. It feels vitally important that I rescue and save my families memories. The trouble is that my home is not set up for keeping large amounts of family memories. Where do you put memories and family artifacts if you do not have room for them? Mark mentioned to me a while back that my family's need to keep all the heirlooms is actually a yoke and that yoke is weighing me down. I think he is right…please don't tell him I said that!

I stood in the middle of my Aunt Nina's living room on Thursday morning and looked about at her belongings strewn all over the floor and tossed about like they had no value or meaning at all. Everything that had not sold was just tossed hither and yon and it was breaking my heart. I found myself panicked and wanting to save the items that remained. At one point I walked through her kitchen and found her beautiful slips hanging over a banister and it broke my heart. I actually said out loud "If Aunt Nina saw this it would kill her!" The truth is it is killing me, I feel a bit guilty that the sale of her lifelong collections of antiques and dolls did not make the profits that were anticipated. My heart also breaks to think that other then myself no one else cares. My Aunt's Grandsons have made it clear that they only want the money. I kept pondering if I should throw the yoke over my shoulders and carry these family heirlooms home to sit with the heirlooms that I have from my Mom's life. How could I let these pieces end up in a dumpster? This is so heart breaking!

This morning as I was once again contemplating what to do I stumbled across a piece of paper with this quote from writer and artist Ashleigh Brilliant taped to it that I had saved many years ago, "If you never part with the past, how will your life have any room for the future?" I am not sure why I saved that all of these years, but I am very glad that I did. It is a wonderful perspective that I need to focus on. I need to leave room for the future, it is time to let the past and all the weight of its yoke go and enjoy the future with my husband and my children. There is no need to protect and preserve or feel guilt, I have done what I can for my past family and their lives and I need to get on with my own. Today I release the yoke from my shoulders; I am lifting the heavy wood and leather off of me and moving away from the yokes burden. I am making room for the future.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Sorry I Missed Ya

I hit the ground running yesterday morning and had no time to stop and write. The day started with a three and a half mile walk and ended with Mark and I working on our plans for my cousin's upcoming wedding in Maine. I was on the go almost every minute in between. So there was no chance to stop and write out my life.

Yesterday morning came bright and early with me making the discovery that my youngest daughter had not completed her laundry like I had asked her to. I had told her that she must finish her laundry and get it off my basement counter before she went to bed and there it was when I went to check, AGH! I went for my morning walk hoping to formulate a plan on how to deal with a daughter that was becoming more and more defiant. One of my girlfriends that I walk with suggested that I hide her clothes and so when I got back home I decided I would give Avery one more chance. I woke her up and told her to take care of her laundry, after I did this I took Roxanne (the dog) for a walk. Upon arriving home I discovered Sleeping Beauty (Avery) still in bed and that is when I made my move. I gathered up her laundry and hid it away and then I woke her up and told her to shower and get dressed because she was going with me to my Aunt Nina's house.

Let us just say her response was not a positive one. I spent an hour telling her "Yes Avery you are going with me, I really do not care how boring you think it is, this is what I do all the time and today you are going to help me…GET READY!" My thought was that having her come would be a mile marker the next time she was heading off and not following through hopefully she would remember the missing laundry and the long boring morning with me at my Aunt's house. I am done with this moody teenitude stuff and I have declared war!

I spent the morning at my Aunt's talking with people who wanted to buy my Aunt's car, the lady that ran the estate sale and also an auction house that will come in and sell off what is left in the house and clean out the house for me. Then I came home went to my mammogram, the grocery store, picked up a prescription for Aly, came home again and made dinner, took Avery out to practice her driving (this was another discussion we had yesterday), folded my own laundry and planned out our trip. I am tired all over again just writing it all out.

Today is a new day full of activity, mostly calls and planning but busy none the less. I should however let you know that I am not tolerating defiance any longer. I am no longer Momma Nice Guy, I am The Difianator and I am ready and on guard for any sign of teenage defiance. I am also worn out and tired and hoping to make it through another day of raising children, running a home and settling another estate. It is enough to make Wonder Woman jealous don't you think? I am sorry I missed ya yesterday and I hope I have less drama to share tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Full Plate and More Than I Can Chew

I am piling it on. I am not sure why but to my already full list of responsibilities I have added a roofing and siding project for my home and when that is complete a new driveway and sidewalk and front porch. The cherry on this cake is the trip we having coming up in a week and a half. We are heading to Maine for my cousin Laurel's wedding. I feel like I am jet propelling through every single day. I had a friend ask me if I was trying to make summer go faster or slower by doing all of this. Let's just say that now my plate is full and I have more than I can chew. It is not a pretty sight.

I barely have time to write this week. Tomorrow morning I am off to meet with the woman that ran the estate sale at my Aunt Nina's house. I cannot wait to tell her that I learned today that my Aunt's Grandson's decided that they do not want the items that they originally declared they did want. We purposely excluded these items from the sale, and now I will have to figure out what the heck to do with them. Yes, that is me you hear screaming!

I have lost the ability to talk to anyone calmly. I am overwhelmed by breathing and thinking let alone worrying about more things that need to be sorted out at my Aunt's house. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later wide awake and trying to sort out where to go and what to do next, I fall back to sleep just in time to wake up again. My head is popping off. I need a mental vacation before I go mental…OH WAIT, TOO LATE!!

To make tomorrow even more special, I will be having my annual Mammogram, Woo! So I will go to my Aunt's house slam my head against the counter in frustration then race back 32 miles so that I can slam my breasts in an x-ray machine, sounds delightful doesn't it? Soooooo, I will once again skip writing tomorrow morning so that I can get out of here early and take care of my full plate and whatever else I bite off. Perhaps tomorrow night I will share another bite full with you.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Vacation Day

There is no way to get your brain to function when it does not want to and mine does not want to, I am still in vacation mode. I wish I could just get my brain up and running, I have tried walking this morning and then coffee and still nothing. Mark has today off and Aly has a doctor appointment, so I have no time to even coax my brain to work. I just have to accept the fact that today is not a banner day for writing and move on. Perhaps tomorrow will be better…

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Happy 4th


My perch away from home
I am sitting in my perch away from home. Ashleigh has a porch that looks out from the back of her house onto the lake where they live. When we come to visit, we park ourselves out here and watch the fishermen and boaters go by. We have seen eagles from here and watched storms roll in. This is my sanctuary away from home.

 
We are having a relaxing time. Last night we took a boat ride out to the middle of the lake and watched an amazing display of fireworks. This morning while the girls sleep, Ashleigh and I are chatting and enjoying our visit while Scott and Mark have gone golfing. We are having a quiet relaxing weekend and we are happy to be together. It is a happy 4th of July weekend…it will be short, (we head home tomorrow) but sweet.

 
One of the beautiful fireworks we saw last night
I am not planning on writing on Monday, so I hope that everyone enjoys there holiday as much as we are. Talk to you soon!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Where the Heck Do You Think You Are Going?

In just a couple of hours we will climb in our car and head for my oldest daughter Ashleigh's house. I have shopped until I have dropped and now I am surveying what I have and I am wondering what I was thinking. We are staying with Ashleigh for two nights and one full day. Each of our girls is bringing a friend along two. I have a list a mile long of things that need to go in the car and food I need to bring. I still have to pack my clothes, but they are set out on my bed.

The thing is, I have so much stuff to go into the car that I could stay a week at Ashleigh's. Yard games, a tent, food, clothes, 6 people with all of their stuff and one panting dog are all scheduled to climb into our vehicle. This will be interesting; can I remain sane and calm? Probably not. Will at speak in sharp tones and point and direct a lot? Probably. That's what generals do when they are in command. That is also what Moms do when they are trying to get their family on the road.

I am sure when we get to Ashleigh's she will ask us how long we are planning to stay, considering all that we think we "have to" bring. Others might ask us. Where the heck do you think you are going? We will have a short visit with my daughter and her husband and all of the stuff we could not leave behind and then hopefully pack up what remains and return home refreshed and happy. Off I go to start this painful process in motion…wish me luck!!