Thursday, June 30, 2011

No News Is…

I am sure you have heard the saying, No news is good news. I am normally a no news person. I live in a bubble and rarely look out into the world and its news. I stare into my backyard at the birds and grass and most days the sunshine and think nothing of what might be going on past all of that. Call me ignorant or uninformed, but I adopted this outlook long ago when I would get so caught up by the news that it would affect my daily life.

Lately, the news has drawn me in and I find myself curious. Curious and concerned, about Syria and curious about the woman who is on trial for killing her daughter and that is just the tip of the iceberg. Suddenly there seems to be a large amount of civil unrest in many nations and flooding and natural disasters here and across the world. The news is sucking me in and I do not like it at all!

I was happy being the ostrich with my head shoved in the sand. Not knowing what was going on was like having a good news day every day. I did not have to worry about other people or other states or other countries; it was just all about me and my life all the time. The hard part is that is not reality. Life is about everyone not just me. Every day while Miss No News is Good News is pondering her happiness others near and far are sad or hurt or sometimes worse. It is time to put on my big girl panties, draw my head out of the sand and pay attention to what is happening in our world.

Being informed and aware of what is happening does not have to affect my own life. Information and knowledge can set you free. Knowing what is happening can help you be a good citizen and an informed voter. It is also a good idea to face reality, mine is not the only life, I am just a speck in a giant universe of lives and I need to be aware of the world around me. It is time to realize that knowing about the struggles and sadness does not have to make me or my life sad, but it will make me more compassionate, educated and understanding. I am not alone there is a big world out there beyond my backyard, a world that shares my sunshine. No news is…not the way to live!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Teenitude Too

Well, it was bound to happen, one daughter has turned into a lovely young lady and the other has become a raging crank pot teenager with a huge teenitude. Here is what she has said to me and I quote, "I am not getting a job" "why?" I asked adding that "if I have to get a job to pay for the things that you want to do, then you had better get a job!"

Apparently, my youngest has decided that she does not want to work or drive because now she is refusing to drive the car as well. I always wondered if we would have this problem. Even as a little girl my youngest Avery would cry and worry about growing up. She liked being little and cared for with every need and want at the ready. The thought of going to Middle School and High School always burdened her and now I have had the audacity to suggest that she start driving and working. The absolute nerve of some parents!

I understand that mooching can make life a lot easier for some people, but if I let her continue like this I am going to be living with this child forever. Once again I will have to remind my daughter that I am merely a launch pad and not a docking station. I really do not want to yell at my daughter to "GET OUT" when she is 30 and still living in my house, so I have some heavy parental lifting to do today to make sure she gets the picture of how things will work here.

Basically it goes like this, you want fun, and you need to make money. I am only asking her to try to get a job at a local orchard for two months in the fall for Pete's sake it is not like I signed her up on a chain gang. The hard work of this part of parenting is standing firm in not coughing up any cash until she breaks and screams "I GIVE!" I will see how it goes when we are out together today. Maybe just a little time with Mommy will reassure my youngest daughter that she is loved in spite of her crabby teenitude and propel her a few steps forward towards adulthood and living on her own.

So while my middle daughter is happily continuing to heal from her surgery and talking in storybook princess voices, my youngest is storming around like the giant in the bean stalk, skulking and yelling and stomping her way through each day. It is enough to send this Mom into teenitude too!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sink or Swim


Everyone grab a floater and join me. I am feeling that I am in over my head with things to do for my life and the lives of my family and even the lives of the deceased of my family. How does this happen to us? I am not alone; I know I am not because I see the faces at the gas station and grocery store. The teeth are clenched and the eyes are frantic at the grocery store each of us scouring the shelves for quick and easy dinner ideas, pushing the grocery carts as if we are all on a kamikaze mission.

 
It is time to sink or swim and I personally am not interested in sinking. What happened? When did life stop being fun and easy going and become so much flipping work? It is all I can do to move forward everyday because a new load of life gets dumped right at my feet. Is it like that for you too?

 
Well, I am determined to bulldoze my way through the next few days trying to accomplish as much as possible so that I can have a little bit of fun and relaxation. I am going to swim, kicking my legs wildly and swinging my arms up and over until I am propelled so far forward that I am ahead of the frantic eyed pack and resting comfortably on my floater. I will not sink. I will not quit. Care to join me for a float down Easy street?

 
That's right, I am not giving up or in, I am standing my ground and getting through every phone call, task, and appointment and shopping trip. I might even make more appointments and shopping trips just to get ahead. At this point I am already frantic and crazy so what can it hurt? A lot of swimming now followed by a nice relaxing float down Easy street later that sounds like a plan. Maybe we will pass at the store or see each other at a distant gas pump and all we will have to do is nod. We will know than that we are comrades in arms, swimming and not sinking, just floating. Life is good!

Monday, June 27, 2011

A New Perspective


As I sat on my deck in my sanctuary the other night I had a new perspective on my yard. Since Aly is still recovering from her surgery, I decided to put one of our lounge chairs from our yard on our deck so that she could relax outside if she wanted to. I decided I would sit in the lounge chair and test it out. As I sat in the chair with my feet outstretched the back of the chair leaning back in a slight angle, I realized that I could see my yard in a whole new way. My whole perspective had changed, that has been what the last week was like for me as well.

 
Since my Aunt Nina passed away on the 18th of May I have been battling some strange sense of guilt. It had overcome me. I was not thinking clearly. I felt intense amounts of guilt about things that I should not feel guilty about. At one point I found myself crying and frustrated because I had let my deceased family down. I had been given wave after wave of death and disappointment and then once the waves died down all of the family memories were left behind for me to sort through and learn from so that I could share them with my children. I was overwhelmed, sad, and battling depression.

 
That's when sitting in the lounge chair helped me realize I needed a new perspective on where I am in my own life and what bearing the deaths of my Mom, Dad and Great Aunt have on my life. I need to stop letting the history of my family swallow up my happiness and desires. I have to focus on what good can come from the memories and the happiness that I can spread from the items that they have left behind. In the case of my Mom, I still have a few things of hers that I know I have to let go of and as for my Dad there is a big box of pictures that he sent me a few months before he died that is still sitting in a closet in my basement that I need to empty out and get rid of. My Great Aunt's life is still all over her house and I find myself picking up pictures and items throughout the house and trying to piece together the stories that she told me.

 
My new perspective is that I have been given the gift of being the keeper of the family. I will keep the memories and some of the history of our family and I will keep some of the items that make me happy and remind me of happy times. The rest of it must go, that includes the guilt and all of the boxes of pictures that no one else wants. I have been left here to do what I can for myself, my husband and my children and that is all I am responsible for. I will keep the memories and stories alive and I will pass along heirlooms and the rest I will release like the cotton parachutes that come off dandelions. In one good breath, I will let it all go and keep my new perspective.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Summer Vacation

My brain is on summer vacation. I am unable to think. I feel like my writing consists of a lot of blabbering about me and I am uncomfortable with that. I want to have more insight and be more interesting, but I do not have it in me. I feel like I am unfocused, uninteresting, and unmotivated. I would love to be more of all of those things, but right now my body and my brain seem to need a break.

I am checking out…boarding up shop and taking some time to rest my brain. I will return next Monday hopefully regenerated and more interesting. I will miss you, I love writing my life out loud. I am no more interesting than anyone else. I am normally just more comfortable putting it out there for you to read. I have learned that when you think you are overwhelmed or stressed, there is always someone who is more overwhelmed and more stressed than you out in the world making their way through it all.

Life is not supposed to be about just you or about just your happiness and sometimes the track your life train is on diverts and goes in an unknown direction and you cannot get off. You just ride the train and watch out the window and hope that you can catch the train back to where you were. The hard part is that sometimes you are left in a new place and it is unfamiliar and you have to learn how to make the new place work for you. That's me right now, I am watching out the window of the train and I see a new place coming and I am not sure what to make of it. It feels a lot like summer vacation, the open ended days, the cool nights and the need to just rest and recuperate.

I am going to stop here at the new place to rest my weary brain, recuperate and enjoy a short summer vacation. I will write again soon.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Morning


It is a quiet neighborhood morning at least it was until a few minutes ago when my neighbor decided to start a project that requires a circular saw. I like the quiet mornings when I get so lost in my head that I lose track of time. The birds are singing my pond is trickling and my brain is ticking.

 
All I can ask for today is to stay tucked in my head and enjoy the quiet. I know reality is that I have a patient (Aly) curled up on the coach that I need to get in the shower. I also have a graduation party I need to get ready to go to. Not an overly busy day really, but considering my mood it does seem ambitious. I would be happy sitting here with my cat just resting. Perhaps another cup of coffee is in order this morning.


I do love summer. I love sitting quietly and breathing in the warm air as I look out into the yard. I plan things and settle things and I even do nothing. It all happens in my head, but it makes me feel centered. I have had a fast paced few weeks. I have been going none stop since my Aunt died, trying to make sure that I get everything done so that I can enjoy some summer with my girls. I have found myself kicking myself for signing up for the task of executor of my Aunt Nina's estate. But in the end, I still have summer and even as I battle with myself over this responsibility I can still enjoy it.
 Morning is fading and early afternoon is beginning to move in. If I intend to squeeze in one more cup of coffee I had better get to it. No more time to sit and plan and settle things, it is time to get this day going and get my patient motivated for her shower. But just for a few more minutes I will close my eyes and pretend it is still morning.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Two Graduation Parties and a Funeral


Growing up, Mark's family of five kids lived next door to a family of four kids. Mark's Mom and the neighbor kid's Mom were stay at home Mom's and they all spent a lot of time together playing and growing up. There are many stories of the fun that they would all have together. My favorite story that Mark has told me is when on a summer night they (the kids) would all be out playing and would be cautioning each other not to go in the house for anything, even to go potty lest the adults realize how late it is and decide to make all of the kids come in side.

 
Last night we learned that the neighbor's Mom passed away. She still lived in the same house on the block where they all grew up. She had lost her husband several years ago and on her own and with the help of her children she had been battling Cancer for a while. She fought hard and she fought long, but she could fight no more. The neighborhood will never be the same.

 
This weekend we will gather with friends and celebrate with two families that their children have graduated from high school. We will admire the graduates and celebrate them and wish them a long and happy life. We will pat their parents on the back for a job well done and laugh and talk with everyone. In the midst of this joy will be the shadow of life and how quickly it can turn.

 
On Sunday we will spend time with the family of the Mom that has passed. We will let them know that they are not alone and we will hug them. We will tell them that she is at peace and that she fought a hard fight. The family will be sad and they will feel the emptiness of wanting to share a special moment with their Mom and realizing that she is no longer there. I know this feeling, the moment is a shock, I have felt it when my Mom died, my Dad died and even recently when Great Aunt Nina passed. Quite honestly, I still have my Dad's number in my phone, it is hard to let go.

 
This is the circle of life we hear about, the crazy joke life plays where one minute you are celebrating a birth, a wedding, a graduation and then celebrating the life that has passed. Somewhere in there is a lesson. Enjoy each and every moment. Look for the sun in the cloudy sky. Walk in the rain and enjoy the dark night and know that we are only here for a split second. We are meant to share our gifts whatever they may be and then we must pass the torch to the fresher stronger graduate of life. In a way this weekend is a reminder that in time everything comes full circle, life's circle.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Surgery Day

There she is, my baby in her green hospital gown and blue surgical cap. It's a good look if you are into hospital wear. Aly looks so little with her blue eyes bright with a quick smile for each and every hospital employee that steps through the door of her surgery prep room. Today is surgery day.

This will be short and sweet as I am not able to focus on anything. I just want Aly back today healthy and ready to finally heal. Our hope is that today the surgery stays on schedule. Last December we sat for over two hours waiting since the doctor was behind schedule due to a complication. Today, at least so far it seems we will be anther ½ hour and then Aly will be whisked away to her better butt surgery. Lots of prayers are going up today for quick healing and a brighter future for my precious daughter.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Today Is Summer

Tomorrow is Aly's surgery day. We scheduled her surgery tomorrow so that she would have a few days of summer vacation before she had to take it easy and stay off her butt for a while, so today is summer. The plan is to go hang out with friends at a local park for a while and then have friends over tonight for a bonfire in our backyard.

There is urgency to all of these events. There is also the unspoken expectation that everything must be fun and fill the summer fun void so that Aly does not feel like she has missed out. To that I say "GOOD LUCK!" There is no way in one day you can make one girls summer complete. The best that we can hope for is that she is happy and glad to have had some fun.

Tomorrow, Mark and I will be sitting in the hospital waiting area once again. I am praying that this surgery will take and that Aly can heal and get on with her life.''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''[,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Please excuse this last bit of writing, my cat apparently had a few words to share. Anyway, it has been a year since this whole thing started with the Pilonidal cyst and we are all ready to move on. We just want Aly to be able to enjoy her final year of high school without having to worry about the pain and draining that has been plaguing her.

It is tough enough being a teenager without the embarrassment of some of this stuff. Fortunately, Aly has handled this whole experience with grace and confidence. She shared with me that a friend asked her last week "Hey Aly, when do you get your new butt?" She laughed about it which is good since some might have been embarrassed or even hurt by that comment. She is not afraid to discuss her butt and she is now the butt of some jokes and I truly am amazed at her ability to just keep going in spite of the pain and discomfort.

In a way, that is what life is about, making the lemonade out of lemons. Learning that nothing is easy and just getting on with it. Aly has been that person, the one that said "I don't care if I am not 100%, I am still going to give 100%. SO, today in honor of this we will have summer. Bring it on!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I Got a Book

I got a book for Christmas

It sits beside my bed

I really want to read it

But I tend to sleep instead


 

My mind is so unsettled

I want to shut it down

To think about nothing

And watch my worries drown


 

I only hope that one day

When all my stress is gone

I remember how to have some fun

And get up right at dawn


 

I will read a book and write my blog

I will hang out with my kids

I'll lunch with friends and breakfast too

And celebrate worries rid


 

I got a book for Christmas

It sits beside my bed

I really want to read it

But I tend to sleep instead!

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Family Keeper

I have been trying to figure out lately how I have ended up the one in the family where all the family items have rolled. I have paintings and pictures and more including responsibilities from my immediate family (my Mom) and my extended family (my Great Aunt). In addition, through each of them I have stories and memories that they shared about their lives and the lives of their families. I have become the family keeper.

What is interesting about this job is that I am not a keeper, or should I say I do not like to hang on to things I do not need and have always kept my personal "keeping" to a low limit. Now I am holding on to a painting from my Aunt Ellie and a painting from my Great Great Aunt Grace. I have a silver spoon collection from my Grandmother and a quilt that my Great Grandmother made. Add to these pictures of family from generations ago and the ashes of my Great Aunt Nina and my Mom and my Mom's cat Mandy and my Mom's dog Cassie and you can see why I am wondering how I ended up at the bottom of the family hill where everything seems to be rolling.

My biggest concern is that I do not want to be weighted down by these items or these responsibilities. I am still in the middle of negotiations about my Mom's estate and now here I am smack dap in the middle of my Aunt's estate, trying to maintain some small bit of my own life. It has not been easy. I do not want to carry these responsibilities as burdens; however especially with my Aunts estate issues right now it does feel a bit like an anvil on my own life. This is where I start to wonder if being the family keeper right now is my current life's work. That's right me the one that never kept anything is suddenly the family keeper, how ironic is that?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Money Hungry

I knew I was in for trouble when one of my Great Aunt's grandsons's called me a couple of days ago wanting money. Apparently he needs a large amount of money fast. I explained how the estate works and when he would be entitled to his share and then directed him to my Aunt's attorney (who is now my attorney helping me with the estate) with whom he would be meeting with later that day. I suggested that he should ask all of his questions during the meeting with him and his brother. He was annoyed, but I explained how the whole thing was supposed to work and than once again suggested that he talk with the attorney.

Yesterday I hauled myself and my friends Pam and Anna back to my Aunt's house so that these same grandchildren could have the opportunity to go through the house and choose items that they would like to have before we have the estate sale. In addition to Pam, Anna and I, an associate attorney came from the main attorney's office to keep tabs on the grandson's and catalog what they removed from the house. First of all only one young man showed up and he had no idea where his brother was. He roamed the house grumbling and asking me how much a certain item was worth and telling me how furs could bring in a lot of cash. That's when he said it, the thing that shut me down and made me lose interest in helping him, he said "I don't care about the sentimental stuff, I just want the money". That was it I threw up in my mouth a little and walked away from him, thinking "This is why I have been killing myself these last few weeks, for this JERK?"

Throughout the two hour window he had in the house he was texting back and forth with his brother and asking me questions. He pushed my aunt's car out of the garage to try to jump the battery and then when he could not get it started, Pam I and the attorney found ourselves in the rain helping him push the car back into the garage. He was annoyed that we would not stay longer so that his brother (who knew the time frame and did not come) could come to the house. I had agreed to this appointment as a favor to the attorney. I had explained to him at the beginning that I had wanted to be home yesterday, but I also knew I needed to get them through the house as soon as possible. I was not staying longer since all he cared about "was the money". He really ended up taking nothing much, but he did request the car for his brother and a piano that had been his mothers.

As we were leaving I noticed that the patio door was unlocked, so I relocked it, all of a sudden this squirrely brat was showing an interest in the items in the living room near the garage door and so as I watched him I realized he was trying to distract us so that he could unlock the house and get back in. When he left the living room I went over and sure enough the garage door was unlocked, so I relocked it and made the attorney aware of his stunts as we all headed out. I locked up the house and gave the attorney my key so that they had a house key at the attorney's office and climbed in my car with Pam to head home. A few minutes into the drive I realized that my Aunt had a garage door remote on her bedside table which she had used to let neighbors know if she was in distress. Their code had been if the garage door was up she needed help. My concern was that the grandson might have seen that remote and taken it thinking he could come back in the house after we had all gone.

I called Mark who works a few minutes from the house and asked if he could go check on the house and my theory, which he did. Mark called me minutes later to tell me that yes, the remote was gone and that he had rechecked all the doors and unplugged the garage door. Well, now I was on fire! I called the attorney and left a message explaining what had happened and called him again later and spoke to him directly. Basically, the kid has cut off his nose despite his greedy, money hungry face. He is done in the house, he can be annoyed and question me all he wants, but other than his greed, he will have nothing for now.

What really bugged me the most was him swaggering around the house saying how he did not like people going through the house without him knowing about it and questioning what we have done and how we have done it. Here is my question for Mr. Greedypants, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 4 ½ YEARS?? If you were so worried maybe you should have stepped up to the plate and helped take care of your Grandma you little brat! As you can see I am (forgive me) pissed off and I have no patience left for these two thankless Grandchildren. I intend to follow the plan of my Great Aunts estate to the letter I will do the leg work and the cleanup work and whatever else it takes, but the attorney can deal with the grandchildren, I am done with them! Money hungry little brats!!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Tumbling

My brain feels like it is on tumble dry, when one thought falls to the bottom of my brain, another pops to the top. If I am not thinking about or dealing with something to do with my Aunt's estate, there is an issue that arises with my Mom's estate. On top of that there is my own life that thoughtlessly continues with the expectation that I will participate in it.

Today is the last day of school for my girls and I normally am excited with all kinds of plans for when they get home on that day. Not today, this morning I had to say "Call me when you get home, I will be at Aunt Nina's." I was not happy about that at all. I feel like I have abandoned my family ship and set out on this tumbling weed of family emotion. My cousins (my Aunt's grandsons) are coming to the house to choose items that they would like to keep. After that I will set up the estate sale and prepare to sell the house, all of this when my Aunt died less than a month ago.

I hope that I can keep the tumble cycle off for the weekend. My brain needs a break. It will not be easy though. Perhaps if I just pretend that I have no cares in the world other then these four walls of my home I will be able to take a break from all of the people in my family who have passed and focus on the living. That way when I think and the thoughts begin to tumble it will be about positive things. For just a few hours I will participate in my own family life and leave the deceased to rest

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Turning Up the Heat

It is HOT outside, steamy, sticky, HOT! I did not notice the heat to much yesterday as I was in my Aunt's dirty, damp basement for five hours going over pile after pile of papers. The one upside is that I did find the title for my Aunt's car. This has been a quest of ours for the last three weeks. I was just randomly going through a very small pile of receipts that were shoved in a basket inside of another basket and I found the envelope marked "car title" YA WHO!!

Today I will head back to the house once again with Pam and Anna to assist me in hopefully cleaning out the remainder of papers. I have at least twenty hours of paper searches under my belt and 7 full paper boxes plus fifteen of those hours were with the help of two other people and we are still fighting to get control of the paper situation. One thing I know for sure is that when I am done at my Aunt's house, I am going to be slowly reevaluating my own record keeping here. I am certain I am not as out of control as my Aunt and Uncle were, but it is always good to check yourself.

My intention is to get this hard work done in the next few days. Aly's second surgery is next Thursday and the girl's last day of school is Friday. I want to be home so that Aly can spend the few days before surgery having some fun, which means that my car has to be at the ready here at home. This car situation is a whole other ball of wax; we are going to have to look for a car to add to the family transit system. I am sharing my vehicle way too much these days. So heat be damned, I have to get it together and get the heck out of here.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bone Tired

Nothing prepares you for the nights when you wake up and cannot get back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights for me. I have so much swirling around in my head right now it makes it tough to rest at all. When I do sleep I am dreaming relentless dreams that border on nightmares. I just have too much either going on having gone on, or gonna go on to even rest my weary head. I am in a race with myself and I am losing.

I am off to my Aunt Nina's again today. Once again paper sorting throughout the house. I hope that in the next couple of days I can finish up the sorting and be done with this phase of the process of cleaning up my Aunts life, but it is not likely. Regardless every step is a step forward and I must move forward. I will attempt another shot at resting this evening, that's the best I can do. Until than I will be once again donning my Superwoman cape and hitting the very steamy hot road.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Superwoman


I think the American woman is out of control. We have convinced ourselves that we can do all and be all for everyone. The trouble is that society has begun to expect it. If you cannot "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let your husband forget he is a man" then are you really a woman at all? Seriously, women everywhere need to take it down a notch and take the pressure off!

 
This weekend as I wrangled my nephews with the help of Mark and my three lovely daughters, I started thinking about everything it took just to get to Ashleigh's house for the two night one day adventure. On Friday, I was scratching my head wondering why my Superwoman cape did not make me air born. I could not have possibly done one more thing and then I did. After picking up the boys (my little nephews) and hitting the road I heard on the radio that the highway I was on was closed at a crucial portion of my route. After a few calls back and forth between Mark and I (he was heading to Ashleigh's from work) I ended up driving a few miles out of my way so that I would not be stuck in a highway accident parking lot with two young boys, two teenage girls and a very nervous dog. With my cape tied securely around my neck I was able to overt a potential crisis.

 
Ironically, two other people I spoke with this weekend were having similar over done Superwoman issues. One actually shared with me that a friend was planning on getting her a superwoman cape as a gag gift. I am starting to realize that this is no gag, it is a serious problem. The biggest thing is how you take it down a notch when everyone around you expects Superwoman. Not only that, you do not know any other way to be. It is a constant battle between good enough and excellent. If you settle for good enough, who are you letting down, yourself or your friends and family. It is a long narrow line filled with expectation.
Wanting to be everything to everyone is something I have been dealing with my whole life. I am not sure that I will ever be fully over it; however it might be worth a try to at least be a little less cape worthy. I know I cannot do it all and I certainly cannot be all. Maybe if all of us feminine over achievers banded together for a cape burning, we could move past this ideal we have created and just let the false identity go. I am not sure about the rest of you, but I need a break. OK, who am I kidding, you know the minute I am done writing I am going to go grocery shopping and then come home and put laundry in the dryer, get dinner ready and make my list of remaining things to accomplish today. This is all on top of the 2 ½ hour drive home from Ashleigh's this morning where I stopped at my sisters on the way to drop off her son's medicine which I forgot to return to her when I turned them over to her yesterday afternoon at our other sisters house.

 
I had to abandon my husband and younger girls after leaving my sister's son's graduation party last night and let them drive home while I drove the hour and a half back to Ashleigh's to get our dog. I spent the night got up visited briefly and left at 8:00 AM so that Ashleigh, (a chip off the Superwoman block) could get ready to go to work. Today is probably not the day to start the cape diet…maybe tomorrow.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

There Is a Reason

I am curious why when the world is studying alternative forms of energy no one has thought to study little boys. Not only are they energetic, they are filled with the ability to scale things you never thought they would and they are also able to get going as soon as their feet hit the floor. No waiting for the whole zero to sixty thing, feet on the floor and SIXTY…GO!

I was born into a small family, my Mom was one of two girls, I never met my birth Father or his family and I lived with my Grandparents a good portion of my life, so I know how to be quiet because that's what I did to survive. I also know that according to my family at the time that they thought "Children should be seen and not heard". I had a wonderful cloth bag filled with blocks and if I wanted to get crazy I could use my Grandma's weird exercise thing. It was a 12" square piece of wood that was essentially a turn table that you stood on and basically twisted back and forth…Woo! Not very big fun and lonely too.

The reason I bring this up is that having my nephews with us has helped me understand why Mark has always said "There is a reason you don't have boys." I am wired for calm thoughtful introspective moments with short bursts of fun and frivolity, shopping for cute clothes and trying new makeup tips. There is also the fact that my girls are now old enough that they sleep in which is a huge bonus! I have always been on edge around my other nephews as well. I have never understood the intense boy energy or the fact that boys do everything they can to come close to killing themselves in the interest of fun. I would have never made it as a mother to a boy. I am certain I would have had a nervous breakdown. Mark is right, there is a reason I don't have boys, the reason is I was meant to have three fabulous girls and slowly learn about how to be a Mom. From the looks of things this weekend, having boys is a crash course in guiding them through life without them doing themselves in. I am actually happy that God decided to bless me with girls. I am also delighted I have this chance to take some little boys for a test run so that I could understand what Mark has been saying all these years, there is a reason I don't have boys!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Keep On Truck ‘in

I think it was in the 7o's that the phrase "keep on truck 'in" became popular. I am not quite sure what it actually meant, but my feeling was that it meant that you keep moving forward no matter what. Today is moving forward day. Nonstop have to get it all done moving.

Our family is planning to spend the weekend with my oldest daughter Ashleigh. In addition to that I will have my two young nephews with us. They are between the ages of 4 and 8 and they have never spent the weekend with us before. I cannot even set foot out of the house until I finish a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher, pack my clothes, mow my yard, run to get envelopes and a graduation card (for my other nephews graduation party in Grand Rapids this weekend) shower and dress and do my hair and make-up and pack my "truck". I would really like to get my car washed too, but that may have to wait.

We are looking forward to hanging out with Ashleigh and our nephews, but it feels like we have been in constant motion lately and that we are always "truck 'in". We are all tired and feeling overbooked and underappreciated. My hope is that a short get away will get us back on track but looking ahead to next week's calendar makes me feel a little doubtful. Persistence and resistance will be our greatest resource right now. Since my days agenda is jam packed you will forgive me if I keep this short and sweet and get going on my nonstop have to get it all done day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Time Flies

My Time is flying. I feel like I barely lay my head on my pillow and I am waking up to the alarm. Not my alarm but usually one of my girls alarms and then I am awake and my head starts spinning with all I have to do that day. I feel like I am in constant motion propelling forward as if on a roller coaster. Everything is whipping past and I cannot focus on any one thing. Time flies and I am flying with it.

I head back to my Great Aunts house today. Once again my friends Pam and Anna will be there to help me make my way through the enormous paper trail that is left of my Aunt's life. It will be a good day, mainly because I have decided it will be. I have packed snacks and coffee so that while we work we have something to sustain us. I am also going to be using some allergy spray, because quite honestly the dust there is out of control which means that the end of my nose starts to itch and I start acting like a cocaine addict. Wiping and itching my nose constantly. It is not a pretty sight and my friends should not have to endure that along with the overwhelming amount of papers. I think when the attorney told me to pack up all of her papers and get them out of the house he did not realize what he was asking me to do. Perhaps he envisioned a filing cabinet or two with files that I could put and in a box and pop in my car. That would have been great, but instead I have at least a good 50 years of papers, if not more.

This is where I remind myself and you that every paper is not necessary to keep. I get it that there are some things you should hang on to and some things that you do just because you have a sentimental attachment, but trust me as much as my children love Mark and me, they are not going to care about most of our crap once we are gone. They are going to want a quick and easy sweep through the house and then they will want to move on with their lives. But maybe somewhere buried in all of the crappy stuff there will be a jewel and they will stop and take a minute to reminisce like Avery and I did last night when I shared a poem with her that my Granddaddy wrote in 1939.

The poem was written long hand and here is what it said:

My Little Girls

By Walter Ragen Frizzell (1939)


 

I have two girls, I do

-Just about so high,

They are sweet as the lovely angels

-clear as the blue in the sky.

Dancing and shouting, ah!

-shrilly the call,

Daddy! We love you, yes

-'cause you love us all.


 

Tiny hearts, tiny souls,

-lives so sweet and pure,

Lofty dreams within them dwell

-the heights they'll climb for sure.

How they thrill me day by day

-without them life seems dull

For days with them are filled with love

-sorrow and tears are null.


 

My little girls will grow up someday

-ladies they shall be,

With heads of curls and cheeks aglow

-their beauty I can see;

And when that day arrives at last

-and I am slightly grey,

Their mother and I will be proud, I'm sure

-that we guided them all the way.


 

Even my Granddaddy knew that time flies and he cherished every moment throughout. I intend to continue this family legacy and cherish the time with, my children, my husband, my family, my new found sisters and my amazing friends. Life is good and time flies and I will ride on its wings.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Everything Old Becomes New Again

As I sat sorting through mounds of papers at my Great Aunt Nina's house with my friend Pam and my Great Aunts trusty sidekick Anna I kept stumbling across random gems. Not the sparkling kind, but the memory kind. Pictures and papers that have opened up my memory bank to the past. Within these memories I have had the chance to walk down memory lane once again.

When I was sorting through box after box of my Mom's belongings there were constant triggers of memory that would take me back to my childhood. All the good memories and all of the bad would flood into my brain. With my Great Aunts photos and papers I feel differently. I am more relaxed, just enjoying looking back at my families memories. Photos of my Grandma when she was 7 years old with her brother and other sister years before my Great Aunt Nina(my Grandma's sister) was even born and pictures of my Great Aunt posing in various outfits with the description of the event the outfit was worn and the date 1944.

I find myself scrambling through my brain trying to remember my Great Aunts stories so that I can store them away to share with the pictures. Everything that I once considered old is new again and more valuable than it once was. I have decided to start sharing these stories with my girls and giving them some of these photos to keep the generations of family history alive. By doing this our girls will know why they are who they are, a blend of two families, (mine and Mark's) with only the best of each of us twirling around inside of our children. They are living examples of how genetics and history repeat and make individuals who are unique yet the same.

While pouring through someone else's spent life is sad, I am grateful for the opportunity to be the keeper of my Aunts gate. This will always be the greatest gift she could have given me, the opportunity to be part of her life and her death. She watched me grow up, she helped me when I needed help and she listened and counseled when she could. Now it is my turn to repay her by sorting through each thing and keeping her life alive and special. These are old pictures with new people to hear the stories, a true gift of the heart.