Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Reality Show

Yesterday as my family spent the afternoon with my friend Teresa and her family she asked me why I had not written on Saturday or yesterday. She shared that she had come to the blog twice in anticipation of reading on what she knew to be my schedule and there was nothing. She felt let down. There had been no entry on Saturday or Monday, my usual days for posting and no notice that I was not planning to write.

On Saturday I was exhausted. I slept in later then I have slept in years possibly to the point that I had made myself more tired. The thought of writing had no appeal to me at all. I just had no energy to plunk my fingers down on the keys of my computer even for a second. I really did not think that it would matter that I missed a day.

Saturday night as I talked with friends at a holiday weekend get together we were talking about reality shows and I shared how I have no patience for reality TV. I honestly do not understand why people find other people's lives played out in front of them good television. That's when it hit me; I have my own reality show right here. Every day I write out my life for the world to read, yet I stood in judgment of those that play out their lives on TV. I kept holding myself above those reality "stars" never considering that I share my reality here every day.

The reality of what I do really hit home when Teresa shared that she had missed my blog. Teresa made note that Saturday and Monday are not my normal days off and she had wondered what was up. I guess the truth is I am a reality blogger. I play out most of my life on the web every day. What started out as a way to find myself has become interesting reading to some and this blog is looked for everyday but Sunday by others. Knowing that I should now apologize to those of you that I disappointed this weekend when I dropped the ball. In my mind I thought it would not matter, but I was wrong. I promise you that in the future I will keep you updated on my plans so that you do not come to the blog only to be disappointed. I am still not sure what is so interesting about my reality, but I have a renewed sense of responsibility to my blog. I will be writing Monday through Saturday each week unless I warn you ahead of time. I will not be writing on holidays, which explains my lapse yesterday. I still intend to let my reality show so Teresa can relax and know that I am back on track and sincerely sorry I dropped the ball!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Drivers Training

My youngest daughter Avery passed her written drivers training test last night. That means that she now has 50 hours of driving to do with my husband and me before she turns 16 next year. Last night, I went for my first ride with Avery since the perilous drive we tried before she started the training class. I have to say she did a fabulous job driving!

It is the circle of life in full bloom here now. As the school year comes to an end and we are faced with Aly's senior year next year I am starting to realize that I am going through a little training myself. I am looking around me and seeing my children moving into the next phase of their lives and realizing that I am slowly being trained to let them go. I am having my grip slowly removed one finger at a time. I am in my own form of training that has a hands on test that requires me to remain alert yet let go of the wheel.

I have to say that riding around with Avery last night she was calm and at one point when I was alarmed at her rate of speed going into a turn, she said "It's OK Mom, I know what I am doing." How do you like that? No drama, no screaming, just a calm response to a freaked out Mom. I really think my new driver might just be able to handle being on the road better than I can. As for my future Senior, she has her major and minor decided and she just has to pick her school…well, she did pick one, but I want her to look around a little more. That's where the letting go of the wheel part gets tricky. For now, I am going to bask in the glow of my fabulous new driver and put off thinking about colleges until tomorrow.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Ashes


If you look real close you will see the picture of my Grandparents in their first car
Today I picked up Aunt Nina's ashes. We had a lovely day together, banking, grocery shopping and a quick stop at the post office. As I entered and exited the car I would greet her, letting her know where I was going and what I accomplished at each stop.

 
Let be clear, I am not crazy. I just was not comfortable ignoring that she (Aunt Nina) was riding around in the backseat of my car. The odd thing is that I continue to feel the presence of my Mom, but my Aunt has apparently high tailed it out of here. Basically I guess I am just going through the motions of being polite to my Aunt even though it is not necessary. I said things like "Well Aunt Nina, everything is all set at the bank, I hope your Grandson's appreciate what you have done for them." Or, "I know that you might not like me spending money on an urn for you, but I feel after 93 years you deserve it. I will do my best to get a good deal though." OK, I am not crazy I am just acting like it!

 
All and all the process of someone dying is far more work then someone being born. Maybe that's not true, maybe it is just that when a baby is born there are more people to lend a hand. This cleaning up after someone's life is complicated and it has me evaluating my house. I definitely do not want to leave a house full of stuff for my children to sort through. I remember when I had the 20 boxes of my Mom's stuff arrive and I was going through so much anguish about throwing things out. Ashleigh, (my oldest daughter) said "Mom, when you die all the girls and I are going to care about are things that remind us of you! Please get rid of this stuff" That was a tough day, but a good life lesson in value.

 
My family has learned that releasing the stuff and embracing the memories is a far better route to take than keeping everything from every generation. I do have a few family items and even a few heirlooms tucked away, but over all I enjoy my pictures of my grandparents in their first car and my Mom holding me when I was a baby way more than I do the Antique pitcher, which is wrapped in a towel and put away so it won't break. I guess what I should say to Aunt Nina's ashes is "Thank you for the memories."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Full Swing

The best way to handle a problem is to face it. That is why I have jumped into getting my Aunts estate in order. There is a lot to do besides getting her house tidied up. There are dozens of little details and the phone calls have begun. The process of my Aunts affairs is in full swing. The trick is to duck when that loaded swing comes back in my direction.

I know I can handle this, I am just anxious about handling it right. There are people in the trenches with me and there are people on the fringes and I am most worried about hurting all of them. I do not want anyone to think I do not care about them or their feelings about my Aunt. I think that this is just part of the process. You get at the details and pay a bunch of people to handle details that you cannot and then in what seems like minutes you are standing alone looking around wondering what just happened.

When this process is over I am worried about what I will do with myself. I know there will be something that comes up and each year that someone in my life has passed, I have thought about what I would do with myself now, and then something falls into the crack. I just have to step lightly and keep myself calm so that when the time comes I can relax a little. I know that all of the things that have happened in the last few years have been for a reason.

I was pondering this morning what my Aunt would have done without Mark and I there to help her. Within that pondering I also considered that I could have never lived with myself if I had not helped her. Everything that is happening or has happened continues to turn me into the person I am meant to be. I am and will always be the person that wants to help. I also do not intentionally hurt anyone and I look at everything from every angle to be sure I am on the right track. With that in my mind, I am standing up on my life's swing, holding on feeling the breeze and sun on my face. When I was a child my favorite poem was The Swing, somehow when I read it I could feel the freedom and joy that swinging brought. Even being in full swing I need to remember that. Up in the air I go flying again, up in the air and down…

The Swing

By Robert Louis Stevenson

HOW do you like to go up in a swing,

  

  Up in the air so blue?

  

Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing

  

  Ever a child can do!

  

   

 

Up in the air and over the wall,

          

  Till I can see so wide,

  

Rivers and trees and cattle and all

  

  Over the countryside—

  

   

 

Till I look down on the garden green,

  

  Down on the roof so brown—

   

Up in the air I go flying again,

  

  Up in the air and down!

  


 
 

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Numb

AUGPH! That's how I feel. Seriously, why is it that my family's hill rolls all of their stuff in my direction? I wonder if they had a big meeting a few years ago and decided to see how much they could throw at me before I crack. All I can do with my new job of cleaning up my Aunts life and getting it ready to hand to her Grandson's is step into it and get going. I knew this was going to happen and it is best that I just get at it.

Her attorney…(well actually he is now my attorney…that now makes two attorneys making money off of my family) is helping me pull this whole thing together into something a little more manageable. All in all I am numb. Overwhelmed and numb. This is all going to take time and I must center myself enough to not let the pressure of others and what they would like to knock me off my center. AUGPH!

Monday, May 23, 2011

STRESS

The electricity in the air is from more than just the recent round of thunderstorms. My home is filled with anxiety and tension. Everyone is walking around as if they are preparing for verbal battle. We are all at our emotional limit and the air is thick with the feeling from all of us. This comes on the heels of another emotional milestone for me. Yesterday was the second anniversary of my Mom's passing.

Each of us here is dealing with our own bucket of stress, and all of us for different reasons, but last week's vigil at my Aunt Nina's bedside, and my children's week of being mainly on their own has not helped. Still hanging out there is Aly's impending surgery. The date will be determined tomorrow at our doctor's appointment for her. There is the end of the school year with the testing and projects and of course Avery has drivers training, which seemed like a good idea when I scheduled it.

Add to all of this that after months of waiting Mark finally got the job offer he was hoping for since his company is moving and we decided that we just cannot make the move. Part of our reasoning was about Aunt Nina, and now that piece has changed. Although Aunt Nina is no longer with us, her home still is and it is FULL. My uncle's clothes and my cousin's clothes are still there. Every card, gift bag and box she ever received is still there as well as family heirlooms and family crap that have to be cataloged. This morning I will meet with her attorney and find out how to proceed. She has left everything to her two Grandsons' and my job will be to sell and divide and guard everything until they are each 25 years old.

Stress seems like a mild word at this point. I can only hope that my meeting with the attorney will relieve some stress, but I highly doubt it. There are still the details of my own home that are in disarray. I need to grocery shop and do laundry and clean. Life is not slowing down, there is no time to lament the situation, I have to just jump in and swim in this giant STRESS pool!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Letting Life Go On


One of the hardest parts of someone passing is letting life go on. There is also finding a way to make the menial tasks seem important enough to do and realizing that most of the other people in the world know nothing about your loss. Their lives go on while yours tries to absorb what has happened and come to terms with it.

 
I am stuck, I am neither moving on nor am I absorbing. Something about the last 4 ½ years of family dying has me feeling like I should have studied up more on family history. Perhaps I should have written down a few stories and names. Without Aunt Nina's daughter Dana, my Mom, My Dad or my Aunt Nina, I am left to sort through my Aunts house and put together the story of our family. My cousin Laurel left yesterday after a week of being at my side and the vacancy is notable. We are the last remaining women with matriarchal potential and with Laurel's distance (she lives in Denver, Colorado). It seems that I will be caring the family torch for now.

 
My job now is to gather together my Aunts assets and care for them until her Grandson's are each 25 years old. At that time they will receive their inheritance from her and I will be relieved of my duties. I have a three bedroom house filled with my Aunt's life to sort out and prepare for sale once that is done I will mostly be a paper pusher keeping tabs on the estate and keeping it solid until it is time to disburse it. Today, I am just working on trying to move on with my life and not feeling blue. At 93, morning my Aunt seems silly she had a long full life filled with travel and friends and bridge games. I just think that these last few years of loss have caught up with me. I am thankful that today I can sit on my deck in my sanctuary and smell the lilacs that have bloomed. The sweet scent and the warm sun are recharging my depleted battery.

 
Today I will work towards letting life go on. I will share time with my girls who were on their own for much of the week as Laurel, Matt, Mark and I sat with Aunt Nina as she journeyed to the other side. My children and Mark are my life and having them around will help lift my heart. I will make a quick call to Ashleigh so that I can hear her sweet voice and I will focus on the love I feel for the family that I have that remain on earth. Time is shorter then you think, it is spring and summer is not far behind. The circle of life goes on.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Brain Break

I have chosen today as brain break day. I have been thinking and pondering, wondering and questioning every detail of the last two years and I am spent. I am curious why I have ended up responsible for cleaning out homes and clearing up lives of family over the last 4 ½ years. I always like to review the life path I am on to see if the direction is the right one, and now is as good a time as any to reevaluate my course.

I will spend this morning with Matt and Laurel as they prepare to depart and this afternoon with friends celebrating a birthday. This seems appropriate to celebrate a friend's birth as I process my Aunt's death. I hope that in the days and weeks to come that I can understand where I am going now and how I will get there. Meanwhile I will enjoy today's brain break.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Journey Begins With One Breath


There is a saying that every journey begins with one step, but life's journey begins with one breath and continues until the final breath. Last night Aunt Nina took her final breath. She waited until no one was in the room and she stepped from our world into the gates of heaven. Aunt Nina is finally with her daughter Dana and her husband Ted. She no longer has to wish to be with them.

 
I find myself oddly feeling like I am drifting with no direction. I miss her all ready. This woman that made me want to yank out my hair some days and told me family and personal stories other days will be missed. There is no way to fill this void other then time. Now the task of sorting out her home and preparing to package her life into manageable containers begins. This will not be something that will be easy, and perhaps temporarily it will fill the void that has been left.

 
In time this will slowly drift to the back of my memory as a special time in my life, a time when I was blessed to help and care for my Aunt when she needed me. Right now, I am still focused on her final breath that she took quietly when we all left the room. She just wanted to sleep and she has gotten her wish. Her journey has begun with one last breath.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

No News

Today Laurel and I head back to sit with my Aunt. She is resting comfortably, but she is slowly making her way to the light. There are things that are happening that are disturbing to watch as her life comes slowly to its end. We found ourselves driving back to be with Aunt Nina late last night. Once we were there we were relieved to realize that she was fine and decided to return home for some sleep.

We are on edge, the phone rings and our hearts jump to our throats. There have been an endless parade of people with advice, but in the end we end up trust our instincts and doing as we please. We sit and talk and wait listening to every breath Aunt Nina makes. In the end we are on God's time. Our lives have stopped for the time being and we have dedicated ourselves to Aunt Nina's comfort and protection. We have asked that people talk in quiet tones and respect that our Aunt wants privacy and compassion at this turning point.

Neither Laurel nor I want to see Aunt Nina step into the light without us. Our hope is that we can hold her until the end. We have been advised that likely she will choose to leave us when we are not with her. As always though we know our Aunt and how she has always done everything in her own way and her own time. Her death will be no different, and so we wait…

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Decision

I decided yesterday that it was my job to speak for my Aunt. I was tired of the gaggle of people on the perimeter making comments and decisions for her. The last straw was when the psychiatrist suggested that we could give my Aunt an antidepressant that would also have an appetite enhancer. I kept thinking "Have you looked at my Aunt?" Here is this woman with her cheeks sunken in, her lips bloodied and too weak to stand or sit up that screams in pain when you touch her…"DOES SHE LOOK LIKE SHE WANTS YO EAT TO YOU!!??"

I looked at this puffed up self righteous man with his psychiatric degree and said "No, we are not going to do that, we are going to keep her calm and let her go when she is ready". That was it; that was the moment I stopped letting others decide for me and my Aunt what is best for her. All she has wanted is to not eat and be left alone and now it is time to let that happen. We have been there sitting outside her room taking turns going in to check on her. Aunt Nina has grabbed mine and Laurels hands and told us she loves us. That alone has been worth more than gold.

We have a wonderful Hospice nurse that has helped get my Aunt medication to help with her pain and we hope and pray that her journey will end quietly and swiftly. My Aunt was always traveling somewhere. My Aunt Nina and Uncle Ted have seen the world and they traveled extensively together throughout their marriage. This journey for Aunt Nina will be the ultimate trip ending with her walking into the arms of her Husband Ted and her daughter Dana. No other trip can compare.

The decision has been made we have turned this decision over to God now. He will be my Aunt's tour guide this time. I believe this to be the best decision of all and the hardest one I have ever made.

Monday, May 16, 2011

How Do You Begin to End

As we were preparing to head out to visit my Aunt Nina yesterday we received a call from her community that they were sending her to the hospital. They found her with her mouth full of blood when they went in to get her up and they were not sure where the blood was coming from. Immediately after the call our plan changed, my cousin Laurel, her fiancé Matt and Mark and I jumped in the car and headed to the hospital to be there for my Aunt.

After hours of doctors and nurses poking her and my Aunt screaming, we asked them to stop. The blood was from her biting down on her lip and piercing it with her teeth, There was no need to find out what was wrong, or try to make her feel better; she does not want to be better. I had to finally step into the role that I have wanted and not wanted at the same time. I had to step up and say we just want to take her back to her community and let her rest comfortably within the care of her family and hospice.

My Aunt was very adamant that she did not want to be in the hospital to die. Her daughter had died at that hospital and she did not want to be there. She also kept yelling that she did not want hospice, but that is where I decided her wishes would have to be set aside. I am not requesting hospice for her sake, but ours. My cousin Laurel and I decided that we will call it comfort care and we plan on Aunt Nina being able to rest and believe that we are not all there all the time even though we will be.

Laurel and I talked yesterday about how birth is so difficult, you force your way into the world, channeling through this small entry way. As we watch our Aunt near her life's end, we realize that dying is no better. There is no longer an entry channel, but as the person's life comes to a close their body takes over and ever so slowly starts to shut down. During birth there is the joy of new life and promises of things to come. For me I wonder how to begin to prepare for the end of my aunts life with as much joy and anticipation. I know that her time is near and that she will once again be with my Uncle Ted and my cousin Dana. This will bring her joy. The hard part will be helping her through the death canal. How do you begin to end? That is today's question.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Storm Before the Calm

I have always heard about the calm before the storm. You know the quiet calm brought on by Mother Nature's anxiety. The air is steamy and barely moving, Mother Nature sits waiting for the right moment to bring in the thunder and the lighting. There is always a feeling in the air that something big is going to happen, but you just never know what the "big" part will actually be.

Today, my cousin Laurel and I head to see our Aunt Nina. Mark and Laurel's fiancé Matt will be coming along no doubt as buffers for whatever we find Aunt Nina's condition to be. I believe that our tenuous calm will come after the storm of the visit. Our plan is to discuss with our Aunt if she is ready for Hospice care. If she really is done and no longer interested in eating than it is time to stop force feeding her and let her choose to die in her own way.

Our visit will bring out for us whether this not eating thing is for attention or a real declaration of being done with life. In either case it will help set us on the right path to help our aunt. One way or the other at the end of the day I will have a sense that something is about to happen, what that something is still remains to be seen. There will be no thunderous light show, just a calm of anxious understanding, and a quiet movement of air. The rest, "what happens now" will be the big part, something for us to sort through after we process what happens during the storm, anything could happen. Today will be a LONG day.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Burying the Hatchet

About 9 years ago a new family moved in next store to us. They had two girls, one the same age as Aly and the other was just about a year old. Right from the start I had myself tied in a knot about the new family. They had a big dog that barked a lot and actually the family was not as quiet as the previous family had been. I was not neighborly towards them, I was just tolerant. I did not try to be pleasant, I was just annoyed.

The divide grew for me when there big barky dog started chasing my cats. This dog would chase the cats through the neighborhood and up trees and I was beside myself with annoyance and anger. There were times when I would scream at the dog in anger and I admit a couple of times I yelled out at my neighbors about their "stupid dog". "Why wasn't their dog on a leash?" "Why did they not control their beast?" "What is the matter with those people?" are all things I said out loud.

A couple of weeks ago we had our Granddog Louis here for a visit and I had Louis and Roxanne out in the backyard for their morning constitutional when Louis decided to head up the backyard hill into the front yard. I was not quick enough to stop the escape and before I knew it Louis and Roxanne were both surrounding my neighbor's dog barking at it and teasing it. Since the dog was on a chain it would lunge at the little yapping dogs and then yelp because it was pulled back. In the middle of all of this I was running around my neighbor's front yard trying to catch the little dogs and exclaiming to my neighbor how sorry I was. My neighbor said " It's OK, they are dogs". Then she chatted pleasantly while I ran around trying to act like I had my mutts under control. As I walked away I had my AH HA moment.

My neighbor had shown me grace. She could have been angry and yelled at me about my dogs bugging her dog, but she was friendly and understanding. She could have said something mean and told me to get out of her yard, but she was kind and thoughtful and encouraging. I walked away thinking "I just learned what grace feels like, I owe her an apology." I have struggled with how to talk to her and when since that day. It is not easy to tell someone you were wrong, especially after nine years.

Yesterday afternoon I stepped out my back door to shake out some rugs and saw my neighbor working in her yard. A voice inside of me said "Go, go tell her now!" I walked across the lawn and made a little small talk and then I said "I need to tell you something" she replied "Oh OK". "I had an AH HA moment a couple of weeks ago when my dogs were bothering your dog Sadie." "You showed me such grace and I realized at that moment how wrong I had been and I want you to know how sorry I am that I behaved that way." I said with tears in my eyes. Once again with grace she replied "Oh, thank you, let's put that behind us and go forward from here." "I'd like that."I said wiping my tears and dripping nose. With that a weight lifted. I walked through my backyard last night with a new freedom. I was not worried about my neighbors hating me or about their dog. I was walking with a lighter load I had released my hatchet and had buried it. The freedom of releasing that anxiety was amazing.

I do not expect to be best friends with my neighbor, but I believe we have a new respect for each other. We can function within our yards without feeling like the other is glaring at us and we can finally have peace and lay the past to rest. Nine years is a long time to carry a hatchet around especially when you were wrong.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Letting a Life Go


Aunt Nina as young woman
It finally hit me yesterday. I am going to have to let my Aunt Nina go. I can no longer insist that she eat, or be happy or even want to be alive. She has decided she is done making an effort and she is ready to move on, now the trick is letting go.

 
I come from a very long line of strong, opinionated women, who seldom care if someone disagrees with how they think, Aunt Nina is no exception. Even as a little girl I knew my Great Aunt was a force to be reckoned with. If there was a pot you knew there was one of two people stirring it, either my Grandma, or my Aunt Nina. Knowing this going in, I had a hard time recognizing what is happening with my Aunt as anything other than an attention grabbing stunt until Monday when I saw her cheeks were beginning to sink in and she fought eating a few bites of soup as though she was being beaten. That's when I started to realize that perhaps my intentions of keeping her alive were more about me and less about her. I realized that perhaps I was the one with my hand on the spoon stirring the pot.

 
Aunt Nina has decided she is done making an effort. She feels like she wants to be with her daughter and husband and since God has not decided to bring her to him yet, she is going to take matters into her own hands. This is another issue I am struggling with. My Aunt has decided to stand toe to toe with God in a game of Chicken. She is forcing his hand and all I can do is watch. I struggle with why she would want to go through the pain of starvation and why she has chosen to do this now. What flipped the switch?

 
I spoke with the nurse from the senior living community yesterday and told her I was going to stand down. I am no longer going to insist that my Aunt eat. I hope within the next few days that I can meet with Hospice and get some advice on how to best proceed with my Aunt and make her comfortable without being an accomplice to suicide. My cousin is coming in this weekend from Denver to see our Aunt. The original reason for her visit was so that her fiancé could meet our Aunt, but now I believe that she will be faced with the reality of letting our Aunt go as well.

 
Hiding in this forest of frustration and confusion, is an overwhelming sadness. I am sad she wants to leave this world and I am sad that I have to let her go. My heart is enlarged by the pain of my decision to let her be in charge of her own destiny, to stand down and let her sail her own ship whether I like her course or not. I guess that is all part of letting go…

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Getting Comfortable

Just before Christmas last year, Aly had surgery for a Pilonidal Cyst. The surgery was intense; the doctor essentially recreated her buttocks. The hope was that by taking the area down to the bone and cleaning it out the cysts would be removed and the area would heal. Yesterday, Aly and I listened to the doctor as he explained that he will have to redo the surgery. There is one cyst that still remains and although we have done everything we can it just will not heal.

This morning as I was doing my Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown DVD, she (Jillian) once again said "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable". Since this is a DVD I did not expect it to change, but it was a good reminder about how life works. As I was bending and twisting, I was thinking how life is really about learning to be comfortable in spite of reality. There is no guarantee with anything and if you spend your life expecting to be comfortable all the time you will be disappointed.

Aly took the news of another surgery very well. Actually, she has been nothing but heroic throughout this entire process. She laughed through her early healing stages when she had to carry a donut to sit on at school, and she laughed even harder each time she ended up having two of her special "Butt pillows" pop. She would tell me it hurt, but she did not belabor her condition. She has kept her grades up and her attitude too. She did months of rehearsal and preparation for the school musical and pulled the show off beautifully. She went on a one week mission trip for high school students with our church, and very rarely questioned when this healing process would end. She was comfortable with being uncomfortable. As we look ahead to chapter two in this continuing saga, we find our young leading lady standing strong and feeling confident in her future as a healthy teenager. The only real moment of self pity came as we climbed in the car to head home from the doctor yesterday, when Aly said "Well, it looks like I won't be doing much swimming this summer".

Perhaps we are living our own version of making lemonade from lemons, because my counsel to Aly was "The upside is it will be warm out while you heal, so you can sit outside and read!" Regardless of whether we like the idea or not, reality is the surgery must be done so that she can get better. If this means a little more discomfort, we are up for it. We were just starting to get comfortable; it was time to shake things up a little. In just a little over a month from now, we will once again start the process of surgery and healing and we are ready…frustrated, but ready none the less.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Viva Las Vegas























Last week after months of waiting, I made my first ever trip to Las Vegas. Several of our friends were heading there on Monday, but because Avery's birthday was Tuesday we flew out Wednesday morning with Ashleigh (my oldest daughter) and her husband Scott. I had no idea what to expect. I am not a gambler, but I was looking forward to being somewhere warm since it was not warming up here at home. We set out VERY early on Wednesday morning and literally kept going until we got on the plane to come home on Saturday afternoon.

 
This is what I learned in Las Vegas…
I do not like crowds or cigarette smoke. I also like my money in my hand I do not like shoving it into a machine that gives me nothing in return. I could very well become addicted to video poker if it were not for the previously mentioned fact. I love my daughter and her husband they are really fun people! Las Vegas is hot. Las Vegas is expensive; anyone that tells you different is a liar!

 
We laughed a lot, ate a lot and spent a lot of money, but I am glad we went. It was nice to get away and do something completely out of the ordinary. I do not see myself signing up for a trip back there anytime soon though. Mark really enjoyed it there, but I felt like I would have enjoyed a trip somewhere warm with a tropical breeze more. I am however very grateful that we went and tried something outside our normal travel destinations.

 
I have a great life and I am fortunate to be able to travel pretty much whenever I set my mind to it. It usually takes a little convincing to get Mark on board, but once he agrees we are happy to be on vacation. Life is far too fleeting to sit around hoping to do something someday, I believe that every day we are handed opportunity and we just have to reach out and grab hold of it. Today, I am already thinking about the next trip on my agenda, my cousins wedding on a beach in Maine this summer. That will be something!

 
My cousin Laurel is coming to visit us this weekend with her fiancé Matt. Laurel is coming to see our Great Aunt Nina. She really wants her fiancé Matt to meet Aunt Nina. There is no way for me to explain to Laurel how different my Aunt has become in the last few weeks. I am certain that her heart will hurt like mine when she sees that our Aunt has given up and is readying herself for the end of her life. I hope that within her visit we have some time to reminisce and enjoy sometime together. How quickly life moves from vacation fantasy to life's reality. I guess it is time for Viva LIFE!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Happy Mothers What?

Here I sit the day after Mothers Day, about 36 hours after arriving home from a short vacation with Mark and my oldest daughter Ashleigh and her husband Scott wishing I could repack my bag and high tail it out of here! I was lulled into a false sense of love and respect with the lovely sentiments that my children shared yesterday and this morning I was hit smack dab in the face with why my children need parenting.

Being gone I missed my youngest children and had a fantasy about my life with them swirling around in my head. Coming home was fabulous since they missed me and I had the double bang for my buck that it was Mother's Day the next morning. My children were happy and teary eyed as I entered the door late Saturday night. This morning they are over all that and back to being snippy and demeaning to each other and a little too lippy with me.

I long for the reality and fantasy worlds to come together. I want Mother's Day every day, but I know that cannot happen. Instead, I am stuck in this middle place where I know they love me, but they just cannot help being who they are and treating each other like siblings instead of children from the good fairy. I will just have to settle for reflecting on the happy moments from our trip and enjoying the spring that has finally cracked the winter weather. I welcome the sun and the flowers and the chance to get my deck ready for some quiet reflection.

Tomorrow I will share with you details of my trip. Today it is back to reality, I have to go see my Aunt Nina and get back at trying to help her die with dignity and apparently I have to get some food for my children's lunches. Shocking as it is even though I left them money they still did not have enough food for this morning's round of lunch making. To that I say, "Who's fault is that?" and "How would I know that, I was not here?" Just another example of why my kids still need parenting. They must think that the food fairy makes deposits. Ah, today is the day after Mother's Day. It is good to be home and back to reality!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Just so you know...

Dear Friends,

For the next few days I will be on hiatus from blog writing. I will return on Monday 9, 2011. Have a great few days!

Birthday Girl


Avery's 3rd Birthday 1999
15 years ago today my youngest daughter was born. My baby girl loves her sleep; she is still sleeping as I write this. I have always teased Avery that if we had not induced labor she would still be curled up in my womb refusing to come out into the world. In fairness, it must be very cozy in my womb, because every one of my 3 girls was two weeks late. Fortunately we had the foresight to ask the doctors to intervene and a few minutes after noon on May 3, 1996, I was holding baby Avery.

 
A few weeks after Avery was born, I found myself having a battery of tests run to find out why my legs were hurting and why I was so tired. It turned out I had cytomegalovirus, a self limiting virus that is a cousin to Mononucleosis. Needless to say, I had to stop nursing my baby and never felt like I had the chance to bond with her like I did my other two girls. After a few months, the virus healed its self and I was back on track. Over time I have come to realize that Avery and I have bonded. I am relieved that I did not lose touch with my little girl we just took the long way around to bonding.

 
Avery has been the only one of my girls to end up with my long legs. She is somewhat envied by her sisters, but the truth is that each one of my girls has their own special piece of me and they are each beautiful and unique in their own way. Avery has a big and tender heart. She is soft spoken and aware of words that can hurt. She has a quirky wit and you find yourself laughing at the curious things that she says.

 
Avery is also very artistic. She see can see beauty in the most obscure things and she has the eye that can turn ordinary into extraordinary. Avery is also very bright. She really has no idea how bright she is because it comes so easily to her. I think she assumes that everyone is just like her and does not consider herself to be better than anyone else.
15 years ago today, I was given my final daughter. I am blessed to have her light in my life. I love the way she lays her head on my shoulder like she has done since she was a very little girl in her booster seat. When I look back at pictures of myself at her age I see our resemblance and it takes me back a little. How lucky I am to have been given these wonderful children to raise and mentor. I have had the honor of learning to be a better Mom through these wonderful guinea pigs that God sent to me. I will be forever grateful that we plucked Avery out of her cozy burrow 15 years ago so that we could share her with the world. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Smoke and Rumbling



That rumbling you hear is my tummy, and the smoke you smell is my hair on fire! Today, I have my annual checkup scheduled. In addition today is Avery's faux birthday. I call it faux, because her birthday is actually tomorrow, but since there is a special program at the school tomorrow night that Avery and Aly are involved in, we are having her birthday dinner and celebration tonight.

 
Why I thought I should schedule my checkup today is beyond me. I was asked to not eat until after I have my blood drawn so, I am starving as I smell the fragrant birthday cake I have baked, floating in the air. I have to keep reminding myself not to lick the spoon or even make a cup of coffee. I am also feeling like I should have had a little more protein yesterday. I am borderline shaky and I do not want to be so weak I cannot make it into the doctor's office.

 
After my appointment I have one more present to wrap and then I have her special dinner request to pull together. It is called engagement chicken and I made it a few weeks ago to rave reviews, so when asked for her meal choice Avery immediately requested this dinner, which will include mashed potatoes and fresh garlicky green beans. Just writing about food is intensifying my desire to eat!

 
Since Avery's birthday is once again set aside for an event, Mark and I told her she could take tomorrow off school and we will take her to the movies. Honestly, as much as she complains about everything happening on her birthday (EX; My oldest Ashleigh was married May 3rd, my Dad died on May 3rd, Ashleigh and Aly both have had plays on May 3rd in the past), it seems that she actually ends up making out quite well because we are so concerned she feel slighted. The fact that something came up on May 3rd is not even a shock or surprise at all. It is just a matter of course now.

 

The really tough part of all of this is that Mark and I are leaving Wednesday morning for a few days vacation with Ashleigh and Scott so we are also running around trying to get packed and get everything done around the house before we leave, thus my hair being on fire. I somehow must go to my appointment this morning, finish my wrapping, pick up some balloons, finish my laundry, start to pack, vacuum, set the table and make the dinner, all before Mark's Mom and Dad come tonight and Avery gets home! Fortunately, Avery starts drivers training today and she has a voice lesson right after. This give me time to get everything done…I hope. That fragrant smell of cake with a little light smell of burning hair intertwined, is a lovely addition to that loud thunderous noise my tummy is making, 9:30AM cannot get here fast enough this morning!


I have included a picture today of Avery standing by the local "ROCK" where Aly along with Avery's bestfriends, painted it especially for her! How cool is that!!!