Monday, February 28, 2011

Headache

My day started early yesterday, since the day before never really ended. I had a headache that would not quit. The headache ran across the bridge of my nose and up into my forehead it was dull and achy and was not letting up, finally early yesterday morning Mark offered me a warm compress and that seemed to help.

After a few times of Mark warming the compress for me I decided I would try my own homemade version by using a heating pad and a damp wash cloth. I put the two together and added my sleep mask and promptly fell asleep. Apparently while I was asleep I was the butt of my family's jokes. Mark even went so far as to take my picture while I was blissfully resting, but I do not even care, I was finally getting some sleep.

I do not normally get headaches like that. It was definitely something in my sinuses. Perhaps all the humidity was causing turbulence in the air, I am not sure what caused the headaches exactly, all I do know is that I ended up sleeping on and off the entire day and going to bed at 7 PM. Somewhere in the middle of the night, perhaps when the rain started the pain was gone.

I am well rested today. I have a few tasks to perform around the house and hopefully I have seen the last of the pain I was feeling. I have friends that get migraines and I cannot even imagine what those must be like. My sinus headache was certainly mild compared to what they must feel. In the future though I have a good plan of attack when the headache strikes again, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done and when you hurt that's what counts! So mock me if you will, you just might be using my idea one day!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Blog what Blog

No, I did not forget, I just got caught up in my day and ran out of time. The next day or two start early and continue late, so I think my best course of action is to hang up my writing until Monday when I can get back on track. See ya then…

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Letting Go


I had an A HA moment last night. Mark and I had gone out on a date night to dinner at a restaurant about a half hour from our home. The ride gave us time to chat about our life and how we are feeling. With the renovations to our kitchen in full swing, we spend a lot of time in our basement kitchen and living room as a family. While I enjoy having this closeness as a family, it has taken a toll on the amount of alone time Mark and I have together. Our relationship has hit an ebb section, so we thought that dinner out alone together might put us back in the flow.

 
We had a nice relaxing dinner and talked about a variety of things that are impending in our lives and how we feel about all of it. We talked about us, we talked about Mark and we talked about me. It was a refreshing evening, reminding us why we love each other. On the ride home the topic of control came up. I have been feeling like I am always on the hook to plan and execute everything here at home and I have been feeling like I could use some help. Mark's question to me last night was, "Can you do that?" "What do you mean?"I asked. "Can you let go and let someone else run and plan things?" Mark replied.

 
This is a familiar discussion, we have gone round and round many times about me wanting someone to jump in and run things for a change. There is always resistance to my idea with the assumption that I do not know how to let go. For some reason last night I finally figured out why I do not like to let go. I started out very defensive about it and then I realized that I had been groomed to be this way from a very young age. When I was very young I was physically and emotionally abused by my Mother and sometimes by my Grandmother. I was always alert to "getting in trouble" and learned early on that I was the only one that could protect me. My Mom and my Grandma would not, and (for many reasons of their own) could not protect me or make me feel safe. I have always been "in charge" of my life and it has carried on into my adult life.

I am always concerned that things will not be OK or safe if I do not plan them and now I am face to face with my childhood demon with nowhere to run. I need to let go and learn that I can trust Mark to handle things. I still worry that if I let my guard down I will be hurt somehow. Mark has a tendency to joke about me and some of my habits and I do not find it funny, it makes me tense up and feel like I need to protect myself. I curl in to an emotional ball worried that my weakness and worry will show. It is as if I am preparing for battle. I prepare to prove I am capable and I do not need anyone. I can handle anything, plan everything, do it all, just do not point out my weakness, that's what takes me down.

 
Dinner out was a good idea last night. I had my control issues served to me with a side of A HA and it was a real awakening. Perhaps this will help get the ebb section in our relationship flowing smoothly once again. I know that I will be more aware of letting go. I cannot promise that I will be good at letting go at first, but I have looked at myself a little closer and I have seen the truth. That in its self is a big step forward and should get our marriage raft headed down the river more smoothly.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It’s Easy for You

There was a time a few years ago when I was selling jewelry through a home sales company. I love jewelry and I loved the jewelry this company sold, so it was an easy decision. Make money and work with a product I love, it was a win/win situation for me. I threw myself into my new job, I worked hard and I did fairly well. I like people and I enjoyed interacting with new people and sharing the product I loved.

I learned during my time selling the jewelry that there were some people who thought that my ability to sell and have confidence was "easy" for me. From the outside looking in it looked like I had no fears. The assumption was that I could walk into the room and people would beg to buy something from me. The truth was, I worried constantly about people booking jewelry shows. I did not like strong arming anyone to buy anything or to have a jewelry show of their own. There was absolutely nothing easy about my job, I just did not project my worry out to the rest of the world.

So here is today's truth, NOTHING, absolutely nothing is easy. What is easy is to decide that someone else is better then you or that you cannot do something based on how someone else does it. The hard part is deciding to make life work for you within your perimeters. Any job, marriage, child, life has it challenges and by willingly being open to riding your own wave based on your life and who you are you do not miss a shot at stretching yourself. We all have looked at someone and thought they had it made only to find out that either they did not "have it made", or they had overcome some adversity to be able to stand where they are. There really is no such thing as easy.

Let me set the record straight today. Nothing is easy for me. I make choices and decisions everyday that I never know for sure will work out. I try new things and meet new people and hope that I grow as a person, but I never take the easy way out or around. No one has ever begged me to sell them anything. I am just like everyone else everyday has its challenges and celebrations. I still love jewelry, but choose not to sell it anymore. If some day you see me out and about making it through my life I want you to know, "it's NOT easy for me!" I am working at "it" just like you.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Middle East Fight for Change


As we have watched the Middle East up risings the last few weeks, I have been struck by a few things. First that this all started in Tunisia two months ago when a fruit vendors cart was confiscated by police. Distraught about losing his only income he set himself on fire. This fire has been blazing ever since. Tunisia is a small slice in between Libya and Algeria but the breeze of reform and unrest has been blowing the flame in every direction.

 
From Tunisia the flame jumped to Egypt and from there it jumped again and again essentially making its way across the Middle East. As an American I watch in amazement as these people take their destiny into their own hands. In countries where military rule is common people are speaking out, no longer allowing their fear to rule their lives. In other countries where there have been long standing rulers there are uprisings demanding change. What is most amazing to me is how technology has played such an amazing part in keeping us aware of what is happening.

 
Media and social networking are keeping us alert to the blaze that was started in Tunisia. In Egypt, the protests were talked about and encouraged through Facebook and in Libya people are Tweeting about the military attacks on protestors. I find this quite amazing. The world is a new place. What worked 20 or 30 years ago is not working anymore because people all over the world have access to how everyone lives now.

 
Normally I avoid the news and do not stay that aware of the world around me, but at the first of the year I vowed to myself to change that. Now, I am more aware of what is happening in the world then I ever have been and this comes at an important time in the Worlds history. This sweeping blaze of reform is frightening and inspiring to watch. While we have no idea where all of this will lead it is interesting to see how technology and good old fashioned determination have whisked change and reform into areas that have not seen change in as much as 40 years.

In the next few weeks we will watch as the Middle East changes, at the same time there is a sense that change is happening here in America as well as we watch the Wisconsin Governor take on the state budget and upset the states workers. Prepare to see big changes in our world n the days and weeks to come as we watch the flames of change take place.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Snowy Day

The big plan for this last weekend at Scott and Ashleigh's was the same as the previous two years, head up to visit them and go on my first snow mobile ride. Once again, by the time we made our way up there for my younger girl's winter break the snow had all melted. I have been labeled now and whenever I plan this trek north it is assumed that there will be no snow left. I have still never been on a snowmobile ride, and at the rate we are going I will never go on one. We had a great weekend at Scott and Ashleigh's home celebrating Scott's birthday and hanging out with them. Aly and Avery had each brought good friends (who happen to be sisters as well), so they could hang out and have some fun too. We played games, did a little shopping, eating, celebrating and relaxing, but no snowmobiling.

You will recall that just a few short days ago I was sharing how snow does not bother me. Maybe that was my kiss of death, because within a couple days of that comment it was 50 degrees and the snow melted away. Now comes the best part of all, as we were packing to head home yesterday, we hear we had better high tail it back, because a big storm was on its way. Within an hour of us arriving home from our weekend getaway, the snow was flying and it continued all night long. As I gaze out my window this morning I see about 8 or 9 inches of snow where there was none just 24 hours ago. I love the white crisp beauty of it and the quietness and calm the snow demands, but I do wish it had arrived just a few days earlier so that I could experience the thrill of the snowmobile.

Alas, I will just be grateful we made it home safely and that we are all warm and toasty here at home today. It is another snowy day here and I plan to enjoy it.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

What Has Happened to Me?

Yesterday as we were all preparing to head out the door for our visit to my oldest daughter Ashleigh's house, I found myself saying out loud "What has happened to me?" This typically type A over planned, place for everything, everything in its place woman was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get everything pulled together to leave. The whole time I was aggravated with myself. Let me repeat "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

I would like to think that this is a complication that was caused by the doctor visit rotation that I was performing this week, but the truth is this haphazard no organization or plan person has taken over my life and it is freaking me out. I want my old self back; I do not like the new self at all. Where did this come from and why? The other slice in this is that I also cannot seem to get anywhere on time anymore. I have taken to flying in by the seat of my pants everywhere that I go. I look at the clock and convince myself that I have five more minutes even when I don't.

Is it possible that all my years of Type A status have worn me down? I remember being the first person at every event and having every moment planned and lists made and now…What has happened to me? Is there some way to split this down the middle and be a little bit more type A without going back over the top? Could it be possible that I actually do not have the energy to be type A anymore? Whatever it is I am determined to fight back and get a little more on track then I have been. I no longer want to be the stressed out type A freak or the lazy laid back loser. I guess I just want to be on the ball without going over the edge and stressing myself (and others) out.

The thought of the day will be how to make these two polar opposites meet cohesively. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me and I am also tired of beating myself up about it. I just want a little of my old self back tucked neatly into the new devil may care self. I realize that caution is necessary here; I could be singing the "Be careful what you wish for" tune in a few weeks. For now I will lighten up on the loose devil may care self just a little bit and try hard to court my type A back into my life. Perhaps in a few months I will be singing a familiar tune, what has happened to me?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Mother of the Year


The last few days have been a whirlwind of visits to the doctor. You will recall my pathetic post the other day about having to go back to the doctor for the third time and how I was concerned about him thinking I was stalking him. Well, I should tell you that I went back again later that day with Avery who came home from school with glassy eyes and a very stuffy/runny nose thing. I immediately called the doctor to jump on this before it got any worse. That is what we good moms do.

 
As Avery was having her temperature taken and her symptoms written down, the nurse casually asked me what my temperature had been the day before, I looked at her for a minute and replied "Um, Terry? That was this morning". We all started to laugh and she shared that it had been the longest day ever, for her. She is a single Mom and she had one child (of her two) sick with a fever and it was taking its toll on her. We laughed and joked about her forgetting I had been there and talked about how Mom's have a lot on their plates. The doctor soon came in, diagnosed Avery with an inner ear infection and sent us on our way to get Avery's prescription and get her home to rest. Mind you during all of this Aly was home because she was not feeling well either, which we had attributed to an infection/complication from her surgery back in December.

 
The following day (yesterday) I had Aly get up and shower and told her if she felt better to try to go to school. If she needed to come home she could call me and I would pick her up. So off everyone went yesterday morning to work and school and I planned to run errands and get ready to visit my oldest daughter this coming weekend. As I was heading to my bank my cell phone rang and it was Aly calling from school. "Mom, I am not feeling good at all, I am weak and shaky, I want to come home." In my head I was thinking "agh", but what I said was "I am actually out heading that way, I will be there in five minutes, I have to go to the bank though, so you will have to go with me" "That's OK" Aly said.

 
Once, I picked her up I could tell that she was not doing well, so I told her that we had better call the doctor. Once again I had to call the doctor's office (this would be my third visit there in 24 hours). If the doctor thought I was hot for him, he was really going to worry now! When the receptionist answered, I asked her if my room was ready, because we were coming back! Once at the doctor they decided that Aly should have her blood drawn and they were going to check her for Mononucleosis. Great!

 
As a side note several years ago when Aly was in middle school, she had been tired and lethargic and I kept pushing her thinking she was being lazy. After a couple weeks I said, "That's it, we are going to the doctor!" That's when we found out that she was in the last stages of…you guessed it, Mononucleosis. I sheepishly left the office that day feeling like THE worst mother ever. This event has contributed to my need to rush them to the doctor when they show signs of not feeling well.

 
Anyway, as I sat waiting for the doctor to come in I chatted with the nurse some more (we have built a very close relationship since we have spent so much time together lately). She told me how her child was in another room with a fever of 102 for the third day in a row, because she could not call in to work that day. She said she was not going to get the Mother of the Year award this year and that's when I said to her "I wouldn't mind being nominated but I would not want to win. Once the bar was that high I would be stressed all the time about falling below the bar!"

 
I can guarantee that Mother of the Year is not on the horizon for me this year, but that's OK, as long as I can get all of us healthy and back on our feet I will be happy. My award will be everyone back to school and back to the energetic fun girls I love. These droopy, cranky beings that are lying around my house are sucking the life out of me. Whoops, did I say that out loud? Oh boy, there went my nomination for Mother of the Year! I guess I will just have to be OK with being a "good mom" for now.


Here is another Mother of the Year!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Why I Write


A couple of years ago as I was watching the movie Julie and Julia at the theatre with my girls, I had this strong feeling of purpose. As I sat in the film the feeling came over me that I needed to write. I had enjoyed writing on and off for a while but had not really written much in a couple of years, I missed it and I also felt like I had so much emotion and stress trapped inside trying to deal with (once again) my Dad and his choices and my 93 year old Aunt and her life. I was bubbling over and losing control and I needed some way of focusing myself, so that day I decided to write again.

 
Over time my reason for writing has changed from a need to a want. I look forward to (most days) writing out my heart. Some days it is easier than other days. There are those days when I hit the post button that I think, oh Lord why did I write that? There are other days when I think to myself, "I have to write about this" and feel better once I do.

 
I write because my life fills me up some days. There are days when my children push me to the limit and there are days when life does too. There are also the days when I feel like I haven't a friend in the world and other days I write because I realize that I lie to myself. Most of the time I sit in front of my keyboard writing as if my fingers were in charge as the thoughts just pour out of them.

 
As my writers life progresses, I am starting to realize that I am not a great writer, but what I write heals me. In a way it is like being a Mom, I am not a doctor, but I still try to heal my children when they are sick or wounded. If somehow I can write about my life and someone else can see themselves then maybe that day the connection helps someone else heal and laugh and feel a little less alone in the life they are living.

My writing has helped me look at the world in a new way. Each day I find that I can say to myself "I should write about that". Rather than loping along letting life go by like water in a stream, I sit by my life stream with my little net and try to catch some of my life to save, remember and share. I have found clarity in fog, released pain and remembered joy through my pages of writing. I will always remember that day a while back when a simple movie gave me my life back.
Just a little something to make you laugh today!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Over It

Today I went back to the doctor. This was my third trip back, I have been there every two weeks and I am over it. Whatever this bug is has a hold of me and does not want to let go. I am tired, exhausted really. Everything has started to feel like a chore. Just making a meal or doing some laundry feels like I am preparing for the Olympics.

I always worry when I have to go back to the doctor. I get paranoid that he will think I have the hots for him and that I am so pathetic that I keep coming in with fake illnesses just to see him. Fortunately and unfortunately I am really sick again, so he can relax and I can stop thinking such ridiculous thoughts.

I am over feeling tired, I want to wake up in the morning and climb out of bed and feel purposeful. Right now, all I feel is blah!! Time to get up…blah, time to do the laundry…blah, time to pick up the girls…blah, you get the point. Even talking is draining (I am as shocked as you).

I hope you will forgive this short blog today; I am in need of a nap. I am tired and tired of being sick and I just want to get some rest and get OVER IT!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Water Worries

There has been one thing after another lately with the water in my house and this morning it came to a head…literally. As Aly showered the water pressure became lower and lower until she could barely rinse out her hair. The soap really hit the fan when Mark climbed in the shower and the water pressure slowed to a trickle. I could hear Mark growling in anger as he tried to shower with only a spit of water. After a few words, none of them very nice, it was concluded that we needed to look into this issue.

Here is where we are at right now. Mark has figured out that the water issue has something to do with our water filter. We have been going through our whole house water filters more quickly lately, (which has us wondering) is our water really that dirty or is there something else going on? I will tell you that Mark is beyond aggravated about the whole thing. Mark's expertise is computers and phone systems, so he is feeling like he is in over his…drowning (so to speak).

My contribution to this whole thing is that I am standing by declaring that we have let this go on far too long and it is time to get it fixed. Water has been my nemesis for my entire life. Consistently when something has gone wrong in my homes it has been water related. Starting with sump pumps breaking down and flooding my basement apartment (GROSS) to my pipes freezing in my Mobile home. I have had toilets burp up sewage as my washing machine ran and once our water pump went out completely. The pump cost a small fortune to replace at the time and I was in a small panic this morning as I envisioned my kitchen remodel coming to a screeching halt so that we could have water. I know that sounds extremely selfish, in my defense, I was tired and frustrated and just plain sick of all the water worries.

Mark is heading out now to pick up a new filter and see if that is the answer. I have my fingers crossed. A simple solution to this annoying problem would be awesome. However, it will be what it will be and we will get through this. In the big picture, a little water worry is better than many other possible problems we could have. We will just have to put our big people waders on and get through this today.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine

Today is hearts and flowers, cards and special dinner day. Today is the day that you pull out all the stops and show that special someone just how special they are. For some this is an easy task, and for others…not so much. There is the argument that Valentine's Day is a holiday thought up by the card companies to make money, that is false, but I am certain that like any good business the card companies knew how to make this holiday work for them. All I know for sure is, I love having something to celebrate and today is no different.

One thing that I like to do each year is make homemade cards for my husband and kids. This tradition started on the first Valentine's Day that Mark and I were together. I made a giant heart card and called his house to see if his Mom would let me put it on his bed as a surprise. Mark had moved home after college to find a job and he was not the tidiest person, so apparently his Mom scrambled to pick up his room so that I would not be horrified by Mr. Messy. Since that time I have made a card every year. I have expanded to include the girls. I like the challenge of coming up with a theme and then putting my idea in to action.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day today and make it what you want it to be. Something simple or something extravagant, either way celebrate love. The love of your life, the love of your children, even the love of yourself.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Winter


I am going to come clean about a dirty little secret…I do not mind winter at all. I have friends and family that hate winter and cannot wait for winter to be over, but as for me, it does not matter to me in the least. Yesterday, as we enjoyed a slight warm up to 25 degrees, a couple of my girlfriends shared that they were ready for winter to be over; they were done with the snow and the cold. I could say nothing, because winter just does not bother me.

I realize that this fact is not going to shake the world to its core or solve world hunger, but it intrigues me that the snow and the cold do not faze me at all. Part of this has to do with the fact that I always just push through things that are uncomfortable. The more I concentrate on how hard something is the more difficult it becomes. I have found that if I just preserver and make my way through the discomfort there is a feeling of joy and success, I can then say to myself "I made it!" I always tell my girls that when they avoid something that is difficult or uncomfortable it will come back around later even more difficult and uncomfortable then the first time. I feel that when you are faced with a challenge and you walk through it you learn and grow as a person. There is no better feeling than facing your fears and challenges.

That being said, winter still rears its snowy head every year even though I face it head on. Perhaps that is why I have such a complacent attitude about it. I know it is coming, I know the drill, i.e. snow, and sloppy driving, cold etc. and I just face it down and move on. No big deal, it's just winter.

In fairness I should disclose that I do not like rain. For me, when spring comes that is when my challenge begins. I like to think it has something to do with my hair swelling up like a mushroom when it is damp, but to be honest I really do not know why I have such an issue with rain. I do know that no matter the weather it is all just a big build up for us to appreciate whatever comes next and if we just look Mother Nature in the eye and say "bring it" we will make it through just like we did the year before.

As I gaze out the window this morning I can see the sun shining and the breeze moving the trees a little and I think to myself how lucky we are to have this constant reminder that "this too shall pass", winter will soon be over and the weather will change and we will all pat ourselves on the back for making it through, so hang in there my friends, don't let winter bother you.

This song always makes winter sound delightful to me...enjoy!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Advanced Placement


We have just stepped into the fifth month of the school year and it is already time for my girls to sign up for next year's classes. Ninth graders start the process first which means that Avery is stressing about what classes she should take next year. To top it off the school district has added an AP World history class and an accelerated Algebra 2 class to the sophomore class line-up for next year. This has sent Avery into stress overload about what classes to take next year.


AP stands for advanced placement, and while I am happy that Avery is thinking about pushing herself, I am not sure if we need to go so far, so fast. Accelerated means the class moves faster and farther then they would in a normal Algebra 2 class, since Avery (like her sister Aly and unlike their mother) is a mathematician, I can understand why she might want to step it up a little when it comes to her math education. However, she is so worried about being bored and not being challenged she even had me considering she should probably be signing up for the AP World history class. On Wednesday night, there was a meeting at the high school for parents and students to learn about the schools AP program and also their dual enrollment program, where a student can take courses that are not offered at the school at local colleges during their senior year and earn college credit before they even graduate high school. By the time Avery and I left the meeting, we were both high on advanced placement possibilities (which also included testing at the end of the year and if you scored high enough receiving college credit) and we were getting ourselves all excited with the possibilities. In the back of my mind though was this nagging thought…What's the hurry?

 
As we drove home and tossed around all her possible course choices I decided to get real and just say out loud what was pounding in my head, "You know Avery, maybe you should just think about taking one challenging class next year and let the cards fall where they may with your other choices, I mean you have plenty of time, what's the rush?" "I know Mom I thought that too, I am just so overwhelmed. I have these big decisions and they have to be made by Monday when I turn in my scheduling form."

 
So today I am sitting here trying to decide exactly who is pushing my child. Is it me or is it the school? I understand that they want to accommodate the children that excel in school, and I certainly want my children to be challenged, but is it necessary to push them so hard? I remember pulling into the parking lot on registration day before Aly's eighth grade year. At registration for middle school and high school, they take the child's school photo, Aly had dressed nicely and I had allowed her to wear some mascara and lip gloss. In the car next to us there was a mom of one of Aly's classmates performing a full on makeover on her daughter. I looked at Aly and I said "If you get all that now, where do you go from there?"

 
That is what I thought about as Avery and I drove home. If she takes these classes now, where does she go from here? Yes, it would be nice to have her take courses that challenge her, but do I want her to be overwhelmed and stressed? I am watching Aly go through that this year with the course load she assured me she could handle this same time last year. While she is maintaining good grades, her emotional state is subpar. So, the question of the day is, is it really worth it? Won't my kids end up where they need to be in life regardless if they take advanced placement or not? Yep, they sure will.

 
Maybe when Avery gets home today we will talk about starting slow, sort of like taking mascara and lip gloss classes. There is plenty of time to get through school and get on with her life. Maybe I am ready to test out of my advanced placement crash course in mothering; then again, I am not sure if I could pass the test. Perhaps there is an accelerated course available. I will have to look into that.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Silent Scream


As I was typing away at my blog this morning my computer suddenly shut down to perform some windows updates. Normally the computer will save things automatically, but for some reason today this did not happen. I started screaming in my head "NO, NO please don't be gone!" but alas the entire blog was gone and it was not coming back.

 
I searched through different parts of the computer hoping I would discover it hiding somewhere…it wasn't. I even called my technical support department (my husband Mark) who informed me that it did not look good. Again I did another silent scream of frustration; I just wanted my words back. I felt so hopeless. I did not want to have to retype that blog all over again. I had felt the words pouring out of me and I was sure that if I tried to retype what I had written, it would not have the same thought or feeling as it did before it disappeared.

 
I hope that as I make my way through the day today I might discover my lost blog hiding in a dusty computer file somewhere. The blog was pouring out of my fingers so fast. The words were at the ready each time I stopped typing and took a moment to think. I really felt like my computer was giving me a smack down, "take that you lowly human, I have all the power so do not forget it!" I know I always say that everything happens for a reason, so I will assume that this deletion was meant to be and I will move on, but first I will have one last silent scream of frustration!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Being Uncomfortable


As I stood in my warrior pose this morning during my Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown DVD, Jillian barked out these words to me "I want you to get comfortable being uncomfortable!" I have heard her make this comment a few times since I have been doing this workout for a couple of weeks now, but this morning I heard it in a new and different way.

 
What I heard this morning was "stop whining and start doing something". I have been feeling a bit at loose ends lately. I had backed away from doing any real extracurricular activities in the last year or so. I had spent so much of my brain space dealing with the grief and loss of my parents that it absorbed my every waking moment; I had nothing left to give. Last week, I decided that I would be open to new things and left it in God's hands and that's when the sea began to part for me.

 
First, I received an email from my friend who runs A Beautiful Me asking to meet with me to talk about the love letter I wrote to myself in my blog, so yesterday morning we met. We had a wonderful discussion about what we have on our hearts and then we talked about our passions. I shared with her that I have a passion for empowering woman and she shared that she was working on a retreat idea for woman and girls. At that moment, I knew my prayer of direction had been answered. I hope to be a part of making this retreat come true, I think it would be an amazing gift to many women. I have attended conferences for stay at home Mom's when my girls were little and they were the most empower weekends and the thought of sharing this opportunity with other women has me very excited.

 
Next, this morning I opened my email and there was a note from a friend asking if I would join her on a committee that would work on a five year strategic plan for our school district. The schools are another one of my long time passions that started when I worked on the PTO many years ago. I also like working on committees and helping unite groups that are fractioned, which many groups are when you talk about the schools.

 
Suddenly doors were opening and I was feeling a little uncomfortable. I started wondering, should I take these things on? I started flogging myself with self doubt and concern if I would be the right person for any of this and then I remembered what Jillian Michaels had said "Get comfortable being uncomfortable". Ironically, today I also realized that at the end of her workout, she shares that you should always reach for your dreams. She also cautions not to stop short or lose faith in one's self. WOW! Do you think perhaps it is time for me to stop sitting around and step back into my life or what? That is why today, I am perfectly comfortable being uncomfortable, care to join me?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It’s a Matter of Faith


Faith is a tricky thing. For some the label Christian is something that they seek, and for others it is a label they run from. Some people will hear that someone is a Christian and assume that they are self righteous and pious. There are also those that hear that someone is not Christian or a faithful person and assume that they are food for the devil and not worth even a conversation. Here is the thing; God has put a choice before us, His recipe is in the bible, it's just that some tend to miss read the recipe, and even though they are doing it wrong they are not willing to change how they do things.

 
There are a lot of good and bad people that carry the Christian badge. Some Christians think that they should beat people over the head with their bible knowledge and share their opinions on what is worthy faithfulness and what is not. But there are also those Christians that walk quietly in their faith and live as examples of what is good in our world. These are not perfect people (nor do they pretend to be) that want to show you how to be perfect, but somewhat broken and fragile people that want to show God their love and respect by treating His other children with love and respect.

 
I believe those Christians that look for your faith flaws and attack you lose their audience. Years ago, I was part of a group of women that had a play group and would have random workshops of an empowering nature. There would be quest speakers and discussions that helped young mothers connect with each other. It was a win/win for me, it got me and my two youngest out of the house and I was also able to interact with other women.

 
At one point the women that ran this group decided that they would write a letter to the television station that was running Ellen Degeneres' sitcom. Ellen had just announced that she was gay and these women felt that she had no place on television. They wrote up a petition and brought it to our group and started passing it around for all of us to sign. I was sweating bullets, I did not want to sign the petition and I did not want be bullied or judged about it, but I also knew that if I did not speak up I would have a lifetime of regret. So when the petition came to me I gently said "I cannot sign this, I do not feel that Ellen will change who she is or how she lives her life if she is attacked for her choice." The room went quiet; the group was not expecting anyone to disagree with their views. The women felt like their faith was everyone's faith, but it was not. It was awkward and uncomfortable speaking up, but I shared my faith and felt better for it.

 
The lesson I took away from that experience was that not everyone will live out their faith the same. Some of us will stumble and struggle more, some of us will make right choices and some of us wrong ones. The most important thing is that we keep talking about faith. We want to live with open arms, excepting that while our neighbor may not walk in his faith on our path, when he walks up to the pearly gates Jesus will be there waiting to talk with him about his life and his choices. That is God's recipe, no judgment, just love. Living with an open heart and excepting that no matter how we set out in life His will, will be done. It's all just a matter of faith.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Jumbled

My brain is a jumble of emotion and thoughts. I have been sitting here for over an hour poking around the web and checking and rechecking my email hoping that my mind would release something I could write about today. I've got nothing.

I look outside and see soft snow flakes falling and feel the warmth of my dog Roxanne laying near me and all I can do is sit quietly. Upstairs there are the sounds of drills and the noise randomly startles Roxanne and I. We are just enjoying being today with no agenda other than the usual household tasks.

I am determined to unjumble my scrambled brain today and do something with this time I have on my hands. Maybe I will start reading the book Mark gave me for Christmas. I have put this off, waiting for the right time to start it. I think now might be that time. One problem though…our friend (who is our contractor) is working on my floor today and the book is upstairs, so I will have to wait until things quiet down up there, I do not want to get in his way. For now I will remain jumbled and uncreative. Some days it is better to just give in to the lazy side of one's self and take a break, for me today is that day.

My lazy day is me doing laundry and cleaning the furnace filters. I have already scrubbed out the bath tub and wiped out the bathroom sinks. Perhaps I will get really lazy and vacuum too. As you can see I have nothing of great value to share today, it is sort of like reading a grocery list isn't it? Perhaps having time to just sit quietly and reflect is today's gift. Today, nothing is better than something.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Review


As our car was poised and ready to enter the car wash yesterday, Mark looked at me and asked "So, how do you feel your fiftieth year went?" I was not sure how to respond, because I had put my pedal to the metal last year when I turned fifty and I had not looked back since. As is typical in life it has been a busy year, and trying to access the year seemed a bit daunting, but I gave it a try.

"Well, I'm not sure…I am no longer a daughter, since my Mom and Dad died. I also feel like my life has stood still." I replied as our car was soaping up and rinsing its way down the car wash track. It crossed my mind that for some reason in the last couple of years between my Mom dying and the subsequent trauma of choices that my Dad was making before he died I had stopped in my tracks and I have been stalled there. I told Mark that outside of my writing, I do not think I have done anything to move myself forward as a person. You see I truly believe that I am here on this earth for a reason and I should not waste this time. I feel it is important to explore and learn and grow in some way every single day and for whatever reason, I have stopped my exploration.

I was once involved in things at my girls schools and the community. Outside of my time spent on mentoring with A Beautiful Me, I have pretty much resigned myself to laundry, cleaning, driving and cooking over the last year. Thanks to Mark's question I find myself doing a personal review. I am sure that Mark expected a quick reply like "Great!" or "Awesome!" and instead he was treated to a personal self reflected evaluation.

So where do I go from here? Is it possible to relocate myself? I believe that I have the ambition to find myself again. I have gained more energy as this year has progressed and I have a renewed desire to live in my light and not in the reflection of the past. This is a place I never thought I would return to and I am very pleased to be here. I can see past last year's review into the bright fifty first year that is ahead and propped on my head are a pair of sunglasses to protect my eyes. You see this is going to be a very bright year indeed, because I want it too be.

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Roses



Yesterday the doorbell rang in the afternoon. I have a long standing personal rule that I do not answer the door unless I know someone is coming to visit, otherwise I usually will just ignore the bell and go about my business. Yesterday however, Avery was home for snow day #2 and she was upstairs when the doorbell rang. She called down the stairs "MOM, SOMEONES AT THE DOOR!" Now, odds were very good, that the jig(thanks to my very LOUD daughter) was up and said doorbell ringer probably knew we were home, so I snuck up stairs and peeked through the window where I saw a woman standing at my front door with a bouquet of long stem red roses. Let's just say I wasted no time getting to the door and opening it. The roses were from my husband Mark and they were the very first dozen long stem red roses I have ever received. These beautiful roses brought me to tears.

 
For the last couple of weeks, I have been quizzed about what I would like for my birthday, which is today. My response has been pretty much the same, "I am getting a new kitchen that is enough for me." I have suggested a couple of small things here and there, like Mark taking the day off so we can spend it together, but over all I have had no real ideas about "wants". I have everything I need and want already, and what I have hoped for in the last many years (the kitchen) is finally happening and that in its self is so huge I cannot possibly expect more…until the roses came, they made my day, my birthday, even my year!

 
I know a lot of people think flowers are temporary and not a good way to spend your money, but I disagree. The smell of the flowers, the color of the petals and even the shape of the flowers and the stem all make each flower and bouquet very individual and special. I love flowers and I love that Mark thought to honor me with this beautiful gift of roses. I am a very lucky lady today and every day.

 
Today, Mark has taken the day off and we will spend the day together, that is another special request that I made. I am looking forward to just being together, maybe seeing a movie and having some lunch, nothing big, just Mark and I enjoying each other and the day. Simple and beautiful, just like a rose. Just as a side note, the next time your doorbell rings take a minute to peek out your window, you just never know what you might see there!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Cave


My tiny outdated galley kitchen (before)
 
Recently Mark and I made a difficult choice. I know I have mentioned in the past that given our druthers, we would travel over doing anything to our home, which explains why we need new windows, new back doors, a new roof, and a new driveway and last but not least an updated kitchen. It was time to grow up and make a choice that would move us forward out of the decay of our home. So without too much consideration we decided (with a lot of input from me) to remodel our kitchen.

 I have two feelings about this reconstruction the first one is, "Yea, at last!" and the second one "what the heck will I do without a kitchen for a month?" I do not think it really hit home with my family that this was not going to be a walk in the park until they realized that we would not have a microwave, and that our house would be torn up. The second half of the realization really hit home when everyone came home on Tuesday and the kitchen looked like something from a war movie. The girls (Aly and Avery) actually screamed.

 
Before you feel too bad for us, you should know that our home was built in the 70's by a lovely Italian family who built a small kitchen into the basement for canning and cooking purposes, so (although it is not decked out like the kitchen we are use to) we will not starve. However, now we are spending an extraordinary amount of time in our basement crammed together like cave people eating at a little table and being warmed by the fireplace. Honestly, other than our bedrooms upstairs most of our time is spent together down here in the cave. For whatever reason this seems more comfortable then staring at the giant sink hole that once was my kitchen.

 
We all seem to be spending a lot more time down here together, helped by the fact that Mark has been home sick and the girls having two snow days (the second snow day being today). Cave dwelling might be fun for some, but I am a social being and I need to be out and about when possible. My plan is to grab a friend today and head out for a couple hours with someone that is not family. I want to be with someone that does not yell at me because I want them to bring me their laundry (in an organized right side out fashion) or expects me to cook for them in the tiny kitchen and clean it up in the small bar sink (apparently I am the replacement for our dishwasher). Before I put the hammer down on my family I want to climb out of the cave and have a few hours reprieve to rejuvenate myself.

 
Later today, I will be back at it, working my magic cooking and mothering and performing my wifely duties in the cave, but just the thought of having an adult play date has me stepping a little lighter. The best part of all of this is that in a few short weeks, I will finally have the kitchen I have longed for and then we can start saving for the next project on our list….hmn, what will it be?
The remodel destruction begins...

10 x 10 looks bigger when it is empty doesn't it?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

In the Bleak Midwinter


Here we are gathered around the fireplace watching round two of the mega storm that is passing through town. The snow is lovely and even though I killed off my snow blower and back trying to clean out my driveway this morning, I am still delighted. I never seem to feel sad or disappointed by snow, unless I am out driving in it and then I become frightened and hysterical, probably because of the accidents that I have had during bad weather. Regardless, I love the snow and the snow days and even playing in the snow. I see myself snowshoeing later today, traveling a small circuit around my neighborhood. I love how quiet the outdoors is during and after a snow fall. It is peaceful and calm and somehow quiets my inner spirit.

 
I will share with you today a song that is a great favorite of mine, I have sung this myself in the past, but I love Sarah McLachlan's version. Her smooth silky voice makes me feel as if an angel is singing this song. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What is Happening

The job of mothering is the hardest most unappreciated job I have ever done. I have helped my children through illness. I have changed their diapers and cleaned up their vomit. I have also laughed with my children and cried with my children and sometimes even cried because of my children. I love them unconditionally, but sometimes I just do not like them very much. I am a Mom, but I am human. Motherhood is the only job you work yourself out of on purpose and sometimes it feels like the time should go faster and then other times the time is too fast. I tell you all of this, because I am trying to come to grips with the mother in Florida that chose to kill her 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter last week for being mouthy.

The Florida mother shot the son twice in the head after soccer practice and then drove home left him in the car, went in the house and shot her daughter while she was at the computer in her room doing her homework. My heart hurts. I am trying to understand this violent act by a mom. In the past I have stated concerns for the mothers in situations where the children were hurt or killed, wondering over how no one helped them or saw the signs. This has somehow hit very close to home for me and I find myself tearing up and my heart feeling like someone is grabbing it.

My daughters are 14 and 16 years old and they can be mouthy. They can also be loving and funny and caring. They are normal teenagers trying hard to break away from me without letting go and it is a balancing act for all of us. I have lost my temper and yelled and I have had times where I have smacked their bottoms and even gone too far by smacking a face when the lippyness got to be too much, I made a bad choice. But hearing about this mother and her choice to kill her children struck me to the core.

How do people get to this point? How do they decide that killing people at a political gathering or entering a police station and shooting to kill the officers is a good idea? Why do I suddenly feel older? I find myself thinking, what is happening to our world? How did we get here? I cannot decide if it is the prevalence of the media now, or if the world is just going crazy. The hardest part for me is the worry. Are my children safe? Is my family safe? How do you know anymore when it feels like so many are making dangerous choices and hurting innocent people? What is happening?

These events have made me more aware of the limited time I have with my children. I need to stand a little closer to the nest and make sure that my children know that they are the best and that I love them. I also want them to know that when it is time for them to fly that the nest will be open if they ever need to return. That cannot keep them safe from others, but at least they will know that while they are here Mark and I will do all we can to care for them and keep them safe. That is the best I can do while the world goes crazy. They might not appreciate it now, but someday they will.