Monday, January 31, 2011

Preparations

It is all anyone is talking about around our town, the snow that is expected to fall tomorrow night and through the day on Wednesday. I have heard 8 to 12 inches and I have heard 15 inches. Regardless of what you think about snow, there is no doubt we are going to get snow and a lot of it, so my motto is be prepared.

I have a box of brownies ready and waiting to mix up and bake and a box of hot cocoa too. I also have popcorn I can pop and food I can prepare. I think I will need a few more snacks, but other than that my house is ready. Our shovels are hung at the ready and thanks to a very handy friend of ours the snow blower is working once again. One way or the other we will get the snow out of the way.

A few years back we bought a couple pair of snow shoes, and I hope that we can get them out and hike around our neighborhood. Another neighbor in our subdivision has put out a call to all the kids and parents to plan on building snowmen in her yard. She will be giving away a dozen cookies to her favorite snowperson. Not one flake has dropped yet and we are all in a tizzy. The traditional pajamas inside out, flush an ice cube down the toilet and put a spoon under the pillow process will not be necessary this time, because there is definitely snow coming and we are all excited.

As I have mentioned many times in the past, I love my snow days. I love when my hurry up world slows down and my comfy pajamas or sweats are the order of the day and the kids are home sleeping in and relaxing. No one has an agenda and no one is stressed, it is just full out hanging out at its best. That is it, I am prepared for the major snowstorm of 2011…how about you?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Miracles

Today I share with you the view from my back door, the miracle of new snow. The quiet peace that lands with every flake that floats down from the sky as if God is saying Shhhhh...listen...

Be still and know that I am God 
 Psalm 46:10

Friday, January 28, 2011

Changes

I was talking with a friend this morning about life and the changes that come with it. As we chatted, I shared with her that I feel like the harder you hang on to anything the less likely it seems you keep it. I found myself saying to her, "Life is about living, not having." As I said this I realized that this was actually my own personal life statement.

Perhaps it is from all the moving from one place to another in the early part of my life, or maybe even watching my parents and the choices they made, but somewhere along the line I learned that everything is temporary and nothing is ever a sure thing. I feel that knowing when to let go and let God handle it is one of the most important parts of who I am. I really do not let the prospect of change consume me. I actually look forward to it.

Life is not about the "stuff" I have, or the "stuff I can do" or the "stuff" I can get. To me life is about the people I know and spend time with. Life is also about the bridges that I cross and the challenges I face and if within the challenge I lose something I pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. Change is something to be embraced. This all actually goes along with my other life philosophy that "Everything happens for a reason".

All sorts of changes are swirling around us right now and I am braced and ready for whatever is placed in front of us. It feels a little like I am throwing confetti in the air. I am just tossing my life up and watching with excitement at where God places it as it lands. I am full of anticipation and wonder. I may not like what happens, but I have been here before and it turned out very well. This brings "everything happens for a reason" and "life is about living, not having" full circle into a head on collision! I am just going to take my hands and feet off the breaks and let go so that I can be ready for whatever is ahead.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Fits like A Glove


The last few days have been wonderful. My oldest daughter Ashleigh has been here visiting and it has been delightful. I enjoy our time together. It always feels like a piece of me has been returned when Ashleigh comes home.

Today is the last day of her visit and we plan to make the best of it by cramming in some shopping at my favorite produce store. Ashleigh wants to stock up on their delicious vegetables before heading home. It will be hard to see her go, since she will also be taking my granddog Louis home with her. I have enjoyed all of our shopping, talking and laughing. We just have a great rhythm together and honestly think so much alike that it scared us both sometimes.

 
There is a piece of me that absolutely loves time with all of my girls. It is fun to let our hair down and talk and laugh. It is especially wonderful when it is just one on one with each of them, because they are each so different from the others yet they are the same. It makes me smile inside to think that they all carry a little bit of me with them. The crazy silly me, the sentimental me and the, I'm not going to take any of your nonsense me all of it walking around scrambled up in different ways in each of these three young women. Oh boy, look out world!

 
Somehow it feels like a great fitting glove when we all get together. Each of us with our own sense of self with a sprinkle of family genetics mixed in. It is what makes my world go round. The time is coming when they will all be cast like flower pedals blowing in the wind landing in all the places they need to be and I will cherish these memories of special times together. I store every shopping trip, every quiet chat about life and love and every life lesson taught during a ride in the car or sitting relaxing together. Life is good when the glove fits and I am blessed with a custom batch of fabulous gloves.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reality

Isn't it funny how we make up stories in our head about people? I have a very bad habit of doing that. When my girls were younger I had a strange situation with a mother of one of Avery's friends. I think Avery was in first or second grade and she had made friends with a particularly spoiled little girl. At one point Avery was invited over to the little girl's house for a play date and I allowed her to go. Mark and I dropped Avery off and explained that we were running to a local nursery to look at some plants, but just in case they needed us I gave the Mom my cell phone number. We were literally there 15 minutes and my phone rang. The Mom told me to come get Avery because the girls were not getting along.

Here is the thing, Avery is the most tender hearted and sensitive person and the fact that she was being tossed out of someone's home really upset me. What the heck had she done? Once we arrived at the home to pick her, Avery was telling us she did not want to leave, and the Mom was giving her the bums rush out the door. I was having a hard time understanding what was going on. When we got on the road, I started asking Avery questions about what had happened, which she had a hard time with because everyone was acting like she had done something wrong, but she did not know what it was she had done. As we worked our way through the questions, we realized that the little girl had been very bossy and mean towards Avery and then pulled her Mom aside and told her she did not want to play with Avery anymore and that's when the Mom called us to come get her. All this was done behind closed doors and Avery had no idea we were coming to get her or even why.

The best part of this is that for the remainder of the school year, when I would see the Mom at the school, she would turn her head and act like she did not see me. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. Even though I knew we had done nothing wrong, I felt anxiety and guilt every time I saw her. One day, one of the other Mom's that is a neighbor of spoiled, bossy girl's mom pulled me aside to tell me about the day she saw the play date unfold from her front porch. Apparently, the little girl was yelling at Avery and making her run behind her as she drove her battery operated car. When Avery took a shot at driving the car the little girl screamed at Avery that she was trying to kill her. The neighbor went on to say that that is when spoiled bossy girl's Mom called me.

After that my reality changed. I no longer looked at her with guilt and anxiety when I saw the mom. I realized that there was something not quite right with this family and that I did not need to waste good old fashioned guilt or shame on them. It was a real reality check. Fast forward to a year or so ago when I decide that a parent of a girl that Aly was no longer friends with was ignoring me. She actually seemed to be avoiding me. I found myself thinking "what the heck is going on?" All this time I have built this case up in my head of how this parent does not like me and each time I saw her I would do my best to act like I did not see her so that I could avoid the awkward confrontation or conversation. Until last night when she walked right up to me at a meeting for the school play and said "Ragen, did you change your email, I keep sending you emails and they keep coming back to me?" Huh? I had done it again, I had written a drama in my head and based it on fiction and took it as the truth. I hope that I have finally learned my lesson to face these awkward situations head on. Reality is so much easier to deal with than fiction and quite honestly it seems to be much less dramatic.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Compromise

Well, as you know I was headed to see my Great Aunt this weekend. Once again I should tell you that the word great is only to remind you where she stands in the family pecking order. Aunt Nina was my Grandmother's sister. These two women were constantly fighting about something. My Aunt still complains about my beloved Grandmother and she has been gone over 15 years.

Anyway, Mark and I trekked the 40 minutes to see Aunt Nina on Saturday. I should confess that we did stop for a glass of wine before we headed into the lion's den. Not that alcohol is a good choice when dealing with stress; it was more of a stalling component. I had made plans with Anna to meet us there so that we could resolve this ridiculous dilemma and move on. When Mark and I arrived, Anna was already there. That was not part of the plan, she was suppose to come after us, but whatever, we did stop for wine, so we were all playing by our own rules apparently.

Once we settled in to chat we asked Anna to step out and give us some time to talk with my Aunt. We asked my Aunt what was going on and she began telling us tales about her and Anna. She embellished each story so that Anna always looked like the bad guy. She even told us how Anna had said she had a funeral and then did not call or come in afterwards…horrors! At one point she jumped into a story about something that I was familiar with that had been a clear misjudgment on my Aunts part. Anna had stepped in to keep her from making a fool out of herself and this had made my Aunt angry. Anna had called me after this incident to let me know what had happened and I was horrified to hear what my Aunt had done (it is a long story and I am over it). As my Aunt was spinning her story I started to interrupt her to set her straight and stopped myself.

What good would it do to set her straight? What I really wanted was not to lose Anna, so I listened quietly. When she was through I explained that we need Anna. When she has appointments and needs, Anna is our go to gal. While Mark and I handle the background of my Aunts life (fiancés, making appointments, checking on her house, her mail and her toiletries and clothing needs) I do not think she realizes that we do not have time to do all the day to day functions that Anna helps her with including trying to keep her from making a fool of herself. At one point we expressed to her that we needed Anna for appointments and such and she replied "I can take a cab". Yes folks that would be me putting my half blind and half deaf Aunt in a cab…ahhh probably not!

In the end I explained we would have to meet in the middle on this and suggested cutting back to four hours each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Aunt Nina agreed and that is where we stand now. My next card would have been that if she did not keep Anna, we would have to move her closer to where we live to make it more convenient. I am glad I did not have to play that card. Immediately after the negotiations ended we found out that Aunt Nina had broken a tooth and needed to go to the dentist. I wanted to yell, SEE, you already need Anna, but I decided I should be humble about our agreement. I am sure my Grandma is looking down shaking her head and saying "This is exactly what I have been talking about for years!"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Late Start, Early Day

The call came at about 5:30 AM; the school district decided that it would start school two hours later because of the frigidly cold temperatures this morning. In one fell swoop, my day had an early start. I jumped out of bed showered and dressed and ran to the grocery store at 7:30 AM. My thought being that I could then send the girls on their merry way with my car and then I could snuggle here at home doing chores and getting ready for Ashleigh's visit tomorrow.

Ashleigh is home at last, her out of state job is through and she is coming to visit so that I can get some mom/daughter time and to pick up her dog Louis who has been staying with us for the last few months. I am excited to see Ashleigh and I am looking forward to hanging out and having some chick time with her. I am sad about Louis heading home though. He is always part of the family when he is here and he leaves a big hole when he leaves. I understand that Ashleigh wants her "baby" back I just don't have to like it.

Grocery shopping at 7:30 AM is very quiet. There are only store employees there (at the store) cleaning and filling shelves. I was able to weave the basket in and out of the aisles and make it back home by 8:15 AM. That has to be a world record. Now, I am ready to get myself in gear for cleaning and preparing for my daughters visit. I will have to sit in front of this cozy fire Mark built this morning just a little longer though, it is just too pretty to not gaze at for a few more minutes. Besides, the girls had a late start today it is only fair that I have one too.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Quiet


The stillness and calm this morning is like a warm blanket, it wraps around me and comforts me. On this frigidly cold morning, the calm helps me center myself. I must prepare for the day. In a few hours I will meet with my Aunt and put my cards on the table. In order to care for her and know that she is having all of her needs met, we will keep Anna in her life.

As I think all of this through, I have to remember that although my Aunt has always been difficult, there have been times when she has been very kind to me. I also need to remember that her life now could be better if she choose it to be. She refuses to walk even though she can. She also refuses to do anything that is the slightest bit rehabilitating. Considering that she is 93, she must feel like why bother. It is a complex and sad situation. I will not abandon her although when things like the situation a few days ago come up, I do fantasize about it.

I cannot imagine what life has in store for me yet. I wonder sometimes will I live a long life as my aunt has, and if I do will I make the most of that last bit of life. I tend to look at each thing that passes through my life has a lesson. In the case of my Aunt, I am learning a lot. My only sadness is that I cannot share this lesson with my Aunt because she is not interested. She is happy being miserable. She is happy learning stories about others and sharing them with anyone who will listen. She is also happy flexing her meanness and sharing that. She is not going to change, but my life does not have to turn out like that, so I watch her and I learn.

I recently have seen the wonderful Betty White doing the talk show circuit promoting her sitcom Hot in Cleveland. As I watch her I find myself idealizing this beautiful and talented 89 year old funny lady. She helps me realize that life does not have to slow down or stop no matter what your age. You just keep moving and living until your mission here in this life is complete. I close today leaving you with a YouTube video of Betty White on the David Letterman show last week. Betty White has inspired me. She is living every minute of her life to the fullest. No matter how it goes with my Aunt today I know that I will stand firm in continuing to give her life comfort and safety. The rest will be up to her. For just a few more minutes this morning I will enjoy the quiet and then I will be off to make the most of today and everyday to come.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Long Story

My great Aunt called me yesterday afternoon. I use the word great so that you know where she sits in my genealogical line, not as a term of endearment. You see, she called to tell me she no longer wants her aide. Her words were, "She never called and she never showed up yesterday, she does nothing for me, I am very independent and do not need her any longer." The first thing I thought was… "Here we go again, another make somebody the bad guy so that you can get rid of them routine!"

Honestly, I told Mark last night that I could see this freight train coming on Tuesday when her aide had called me to let me know that her best friend had passed away and she would be attending the funeral on Wednesday. She just wanted to make sure I knew that she would not be working that day. During her call she also mentioned that her and my Aunt had words on Monday, because my Aunt had made some comments on Martin Luther King Day that she found offensive. I love my Aunt's aide Anna. She is 78 years old and she takes no guff from my Aunt. On Monday she drew a line in the sand. Enough was enough with my Aunt's rude comments and she told her so.

On Tuesday when Anna arrived for work, my charming Aunt refused to talk to her. Anna tells me during our call that she finally gave up and went and sat at a different table and worked on a word puzzle. Later during her visit she told my aunt that she would be gone for her friend's funeral on Wednesday and if she could she would try to stop by after and see her. At this point in my call with Anna, I could hear warning bells going off. I know how this 93 year old pot stirrer works and I knew it was just a matter of time before the bed pan hit the fan.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon and you can hear the clanging of the bed pan as it slammed into the fan. My reply to my aunt as she continued to tell me to terminate Anna was "We can't do that that is inappropriate. She was at a funeral" My aunt kept telling me how she did not care, she was done with her and she had come in the other day and walked right past her to the puzzle table. "She does nothing for me, I am independent and do not need her help" she yelled into the phone. I replied again "You cannot do that that is not the way you handle these things Aunt Nina! Anna is our arms and legs, Mark and I cannot be there all the time to take you to appointments and make sure that you are having all of your needs met". Her response was "They can take me anywhere I need to go here, I do not need Anna!" I had to explain to her that the community does not supply transportation we have to do that and Anna has been a big help getting her to doctor appointments. "Well, I like how no one will listen to me when it is my money that is paying for this!" Then she hung up and I made calls to the community that she lives at to double check about the transportation and then asked them to explain it to her. I also left a message apologizing to Anna for my Aunt's rudeness and asking her to call me.

Mark and I are in the process of planning to go over to see my Aunt this weekend, while Anna is there so that we can settle this mess. Anna is not going anywhere. I would be happy to cut back her hours a little bit, but again, she is our arms and legs there and we count on her to keep us up to date on how my Aunt is doing. Personally, the whole thing gives me a headache. A friend had been through some trying times with her own mom and she explained it to me this way "once an adult and twice a child". I am hoping that somehow this time with my Aunt is a life lesson that I can carry with me into old age. I really do not want to be such an emotional burden on my family, because it begins to take its toll. I have lost respect for my Aunt and really have no sympathy left for her and her situation. I honestly think she might be getting back in spades what she dished out throughout her life. It's a long story…

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Diamonds


Me and all of my diamonds!
This morning as I stood outside waiting for the dogs to refresh themselves I gazed out onto the snow covered ground and watched the moonlight reflect like diamonds all over my yard. It was beautiful. I found myself wondering if anyone else could see this. Had this precious moment taken anyone else's breath away? Was I the only one able to see this quiet miracle? Did anyone else perceive this as something special?

 
Yesterday, there was a parent meeting at my girl's high school. I like to go to these meetings so that I can get up to date information about what is going on and what is coming up at the school. When I arrived at the meeting I saw a good friend of mine already there and seated and I scrambled to sit with her. My friend has been a strong supporter of the school district for a long time and I always enjoy her insight on what is going on in and around our small town. We chatted about random things until the meeting started. Throughout the meeting we would lean towards each other commenting on topics that were being discussed. Both of us have been through these meetings for many years and we both have very strong feelings about what we consider good and bad when it comes to education and schools.

 
Towards the end of the meeting I shared with my friend that I was planning on talking with the principal about a teacher one of my daughters has that seems a little power happy and maybe not as focused on raising my child's morale (and others) up as she is on tearing her morale down. My friend shared that she was done with that, she said she felt like she had exhausted that route and she was disillusioned with the school and the district. Not only that, she also shared that someone had recently shared with her information about her son that had disheartened her and she had lost her faith in scholastic testing (ACT/SAT etc.) and essentially the school system.

 
This conversation bothered me. I love my friend she is a driven, loving mother who puts her kids first. She has stepped up to go to bat for her kids several times and each time has come away feeling a little more like she did not get a home run. After so many times up to bat she has given up and is frustrated by a system she once worked so hard for. But, here is the thing…not everyone sees the diamonds we see. Sometimes the reflection from a different direction is not as clear as ours is. This is when you need to help others move to a new viewing location.

You may not get the results you want right away, but don't give up. My children are my diamonds and I want them to leave school with the same shiny finish that they went in with. I am determined to be the burr in the saddle until there is a clear understanding of what is expected. I have always kept my expectation bar the same for all of my children and will not allow anyone to lower my child's bar. These diamonds that I am mining are the most expensive cut and they are precious. No one has a right to lower their value. I may be the only one that can see the miracle that they are but that does not make them any less valuable to me. My children still sparkle from every direction from where I stand. I hope that others can see it too, but if not then to bad, because I am a determined jeweler with nothing but time to insure a perfect finished product.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

On My Own


Well, I am on my own again. Mark hit the road yesterday morning heading to Toronto, Canada. This leaves me as Chief cook and bottle washer, Laundress, part-time Chauffer, Mom and Dad. While I do not have a problem running the show, I prefer not to.

 
There was a time in my life when I was Mom and Dad because I had to be now it is an occasional situation. Reality is that you just never know what life is going to throw at you, you have to be prepared. If you hold tightly to any one way of life or ideal, it could all come crashing down around you and then where would you be? While I will always prefer to just be the Mom, I also keep my limbs limber enough to do more when it is needed. I guess I just do not want to take for granted that life will always be exactly as it is now.

 
I never want to feel like anything is "supposed" to be a certain way. I believe that whatever I have now has been given to me by Someone Greater on loan. My life, my husband, my children are all here working in tandem to help me be the best I can be, but there may come a time when one of these or all of these could change. It is best that I know that in the end I must stand on my own.

 
Who I am, how I am and what I have become will be all that is judged at the pearly gates. No one else will be there to explain my mistakes or take the heat for them. It will be just me having my exit interview with the Great One and I am certain that there will not be a spot on the exit interview form to place blame.

 
Today I stand before you on my own. This is me, who I am and I am feeling good about it. I can handle life whatever is sent my way I just prefer to share it with my husband and children right now. But if there is a new twist waiting out there I am ready, willing and able to take up the challenge.

 
"The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. (Psalms 18:2)"

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Better But Not Great

I would first like to thank Ashleigh for jumping in and writing for me yesterday. I was not doing to good and I knew she would back me up with wisdom and grace, which she did.

I am not sure what is going on but my immune system seems to have shut down. Sunday night at about 6 PM I started feeling like I had been up for 24 hours, I was exhausted and went to bed about 8 PM, by the next morning I had a fever with nausea. What the heck is happening? Out of nowhere I am sick again. Today I am better, not great, but better. The fever is gone, but I am still fighting the nausea. Saltines are my new best friend!

The hard part is that there are things I want to do or need to do that will not get done. Being a mom when you are sick makes the toughest job you will do even tougher. I had all these ideas of things I was going to do yesterday since my kids were off school. Things I would do with them after my visit to Aunt Nina of course and none of that happened. Instead they spent the day worrying about me and probably watching more than their usual amount of TV. Aly did run out at one point and pick up some ginger ale for me and also some Lysol, since I do not want either of the girls getting sick. This is semester final exams week and having to miss exams would be awful!

This is probably my most rested winter on record. Between the Crud of 2011 and this bug, I feel like my pajamas are getting worn out. I am going to roll with it today, because I have things I really want to do tomorrow and if one more day of rest will make the difference, then I will make the sacrifice. I want to be on the road to great very soon. Pass me a saltine, please.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Remember Your Deeper Needs

Hello friends, I am guest blogging for Ragen today while she takes the day off to focus on feeling better.

When I received the phone call from my mom this morning, I was surprised to hear her normally cheerful, outgoing voice soft and weak.  “Oh, no; what’s wrong?” I asked.  She proceeded to inform me that the devilish flu had made its way into their household and that she had quarantined herself into the bedroom.  Although I felt terrible for her, it really got me thinking about her “Loving Yourself” project and the ways in which we accomplish this. 

Often times we get so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, that we ignore our deeper needs; our need for nutrition, sleep, mental peace, or even a moment of reconnection to God.  Unfortunately our bodies have a nasty way of telling us to slow down and take a break.  So here is my advice for the day:  take a little extra time to care for yourself.  Make time to exercise, eat a good meal, have a moment for silent reflection, and go to bed early.  Remember the only way we can take care of others, is if we take good care of ourselves first. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sing


Yesterday we got the news that Aly and Avery will be in the high schools spring musical Beauty and the Beast. Avery won a part as an extra and is excited that she will be in several scenes and Aly…well, Aly will be Belle. She is over the moon thrilled and she is in a small state of shock. You see, she was convinced that she did not have what it takes to make this part work and she had a meltdown the night before auditions began. The amazing thing is that no matter what her successes, she is always convinced that she does not have what it takes for the next step. Hmmmm…I wonder where that comes from?

Here is some back story. When I was younger I dreamed of being a professional singer. I even remember being very young and my Mom saying something about my voice and suggesting that she might call a friend that was a singer to work with me on building my voice, but (BIG SHOCK) that never happened. When I was in high school (just as a side note I went to East High School, this was the school they featured in the movie High School Musical) in Salt Lake City, Utah I auditioned and won a place in the high school Acapella choir as well as a spot in an all girls Ensemble group. This was the highlight of my life at that point.

Once out of school, I auditioned to sing with a guitarist at a coffee house and was told my voice was too trained and would not work with the folksy style he was working towards. I was devastated and never stepped up to put myself out there again. I took that one moment and turned into a belief that I was no good at singing. I did however spend a lot of time singing and dancing with all of my girls when they were little and even as they grew older. Music has always been a focus in our lives.

So here I was faced with another opportunity to encourage (more like push and shove…there may have been a shout or two) another one of my daughters to step outside her negative beliefs about herself and go for it. The hard part is I am jealous of my kids. I am jealous that they have someone who believes in them so much that she will rock'um/sock'um into moving forward into the people they should be. I cannot help but wish that I had the same kind of support system growing up. One small thing keeps me from letting it tear me up inside, that is, my life.
If everything had been different for me, I might never have ended up here with three wonderful girls that fill my heart every day. If my life and my life experience can help my three beautiful daughters fulfill themselves then I have no complaints. If my life experience can be the catalyst to their personal best then it is a win/win for all of us.

The next two months will be a whirlwind of rehearsals and preparations for the upcoming musical and I am certain that I will be called upon again to prop up and sometimes push my daughters and I am up for the challenge. When all is said and done I will know that I left no stone unturned in setting them on life's path with all the love and support they needed. That makes my heart sing.



Friday, January 14, 2011

A Love Letter

Dear Me,

I have struggled for years to love you. While you are someone I like and also someone that others like, love for you has not come easily. When you were young, you were so lonely and sad. I worried that you would never be someone that others would like. In spite of the sadness and loneliness you had a great sense of humor and made friends easily.

I admire that you value your health and that you watch what you eat. I also admire your determination to work out and stay in good shape. I know that sometimes it is harder than others and the fact that you make working out a priority in your life shows that all though there are times when you may not like yourself, you still work to stay healthy.

Loving you is not easy. It is not because you are unlovable, but because you do not know how to love yourself. I also know that you worry about being conceited and you are always warning your children to be good people. I remember when Ashleigh was younger that you would say to her "Remember to use your beauty for good and not evil" because you were concerned that because she was pretty she would be conceited and think herself better than others. I know that you have tried your whole life to like yourself and I also know you have never considered yourself especially pretty and this makes me so sad. I wish that you could look in a mirror with the sole purpose of just looking at you, but you always seem to have an agenda and you are not willing to take the time to look deeply into your own eyes.

My love for you is not fleeting, however it sometimes seems conditional. I try so hard to except you for whom you are, but I find myself always wishing for some things about you to be different. There are the days when I find fault with your hair or your clothes or your body and even your face. I hope you know that you are a work in progress and in time I hope you will have enough love for yourself to see past the exterior.

You are a funny, loving person. When someone is hurting it hurts you too. You can make up your mind to be or do just about anything and step into it without a second thought. You are a loving mother who is trying to raise her children to love God, love life, and laugh out loud often. Your heart is large and your mind is open. You are a faithful woman of God.

Your determination to rise from the ashes of your life and move forward continues to astound me. Where does that strength come from? Your ability to forgive is unlimited and you extend the gift of forgiveness without pause. I hope in time you will extend forgiveness to yourself and love yourself the way you deserve. You are a child of God and you have been filled with gifts. Use those gifts and love yourself like no one else can.

With all my LOVE,

Ragen

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Beautiful

A friend of mine who runs the non-profit group A Beautiful Me recently shared this information, "According to a survey by Dove Soap, only 2% of women around the world choose beautiful to describe their looks. This lack of identification with "beautiful" holds across all age groups." This information is shocking but not surprising. When is the last time you thought of yourself as beautiful? Have you looked in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth or washing your face and taken a good hard look at yourself? How about when you apply your lipstick do you look at yourself then, or just your lips?


After reading the comment from Dove, I started thinking about this and I realized how rarely I actually look at myself in the mirror. I wash my face and put on make-up, brush my teeth and do my hair or pluck it, but I rarely take a good look at myself. When I do look at myself, I am busy looking at the flaws. The wrinkles and bags and grey hairs and every other conceived flaw, I really never look at myself and think I am beautiful. So how do I change this? How do I begin to see myself differently? How can I be more forgiving to myself?

I started by Googling "How to see beauty in yourself" thinking this was a good 2011 problem resolution. I was certain someone, somewhere had all the answers. Well, not so much. The truth is nothing really came up. There were some articles about finding beauty in life and in nature but there was nothing specifically about finding beauty in you. Now what?

Next I started thinking about how often I will watch a friend or unsuspecting stranger and marvel at how beautiful they are. I then spend time wishing I was more like them, or wanting the beautiful hair or eyes or figure that they have. Never do I consider that I might have any of those things, because as I have mentioned before, I rarely look at myself in the mirror. I saw a quote from Comedian Roseanne Barr recently she said "Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5". Somehow through that comment I find myself realizing that I am not the only woman who suffers from the issue of comparing. It seems to be something that is quite common place among all women.

So, what's next? How do I work toward realizing my beauty inside and out? The thought comes to mind that perhaps I need to really look at myself in the mirror, not just a cursory glance, but a good hard look. Dropping the judgment and opening my heart to who I am. Looking at myself as I would a friend or stranger and showering myself with the same admiration. There are so many people out in the world that spend time judging and criticizing others, I really do not need to help them along by picking on myself.

So today I will be spending some time admiring who I am in the mirror. I also think I will write myself a love letter. In the letter I will remind myself of the beauty I have inside and out. If I am bold enough in the next few days, I may ask a few friends to talk with me about what they consider beautiful about me and I will do the same for them. This in particular will be the hardest thing to do since it is difficult to accept these comments from others, but most often people see things in you and about you that you do not see. Last of all I want to begin work on my vision of myself. This is different than a dream board, because it will require me to be very honest about what I see in me. As I see something new, or a friend spotlights something I have not seen, I will add this to my vision board.

Slowly, the beauty that I have denied myself will emerge and bloom. I am excited. Honestly it is for the best that Google could not offer me the answers today, because I was able to really think this through and not lean on another person's idea of beauty. I will let you know how this works out. Perhaps you would like to join me in this quest? We can raise Dove's percentage by identifying our beauty together, what do you think?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

As The Page Turns


Writing a blog can be tricky. For some, the purpose is to advertise their writing skills and for others blogging is a way to keep family and friends informed about their lives, and then there is me. When I began my blog it was originally a way for me to work through my journey with my Mom's death and the aftermath. Now, I find myself using this forum as a form of therapy and sometimes as a platform for my opinions about life.

 
My expectation is that each day offers something to someone. I do not fancy myself a prize winning journalist or even an especially good writer. I just plunk out a few words every day; for me it is sort of like cleansing my palate. I write out my thoughts and feelings and then hopefully, move on. Part of me hopes that one day this blog will be a way for my girls to know me better and possibly understand me a little.

 
Writing daily as I do leaves me a little thought weary some days. This year is different from last year thankfully. Last year I was dealing with daily issues about my Mom and my Dad and all of the issues with my Aunt. Now things have settled down and life is just loping along. I like that nothing especially dramatic has me twisted into a knot. It has helped me pause and think about what my next adventure might be. It is definitely time for me to start looking at my Dream board again. If nothing else I need to at least take the time to get some fresh ideas.

 
All I know is that as the page turns, so does my life. Each day is another step closer to an understanding of whom I am and where I will go from here. This for me will be a mostly unplanned adventure I suspect. I will be a willing participant in the adventure of my life time and this pond will some days be more shallow then others. I hope that as the page turns, you will find something that touches you or your life as well.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Blame Game

In the last couple of weeks there have been two incidents that have caused a rash of blaming. The first incident was the car accident and subsequent loss of Beautiful Girl to the injuries she sustained. The second incident was the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords an Arizona congresswoman (who was holding a meet and greet for constituents) and 19 other people. This shooting left 6 people dead and 14 wounded.

The first incident was a car accident, the key word being accident. It seems that everyone is looking to blame someone for this event either the driver of the car beautiful girl was riding in, or the driver of the car that hit them. Obviously, the police are looking into and investigating the accident in order to discover who is at fault, but in the mean time the rest of the community is looking for someone to blame. One question…how does this help? How does it help that people are naming names and pointing fingers on Facebook? Does the blaming bring back Beautiful Girl?

The second incident was a tragedy caused by a young man that was clearly disturbed. He was asked to leave his college because of his strange behavior and more stories keep coming out about what is certainly a mental handicap. Instead of the focus being on moving forward with the facts, several people have dissolved into pointing fingers at people that were completely outside the circle of events. Just because some overzealous politician makes a website with strongly worded inappropriate information does not make them the perpetrator of the crime. Only one alleged person pulled that trigger and they were caught by some very brave bystanders. Why do we feel the need to look for an outside source to blame?

The problem with blame is that it divides. It splits people down the middle. Now everyone must jump to one side or the other, either the blamers or the non blamers. There is no middle ground in blame, there is also no resolution. The only thing that comes from blame is more blame and more defensiveness. The guilt and responsibility needs to lie with whomever the law finds guilty and no place else. I hope that in the weeks to come the blaming falls away as the truth comes out about both of these horribly sad tragedies. The families need to find peace and there will be no peace as long as we are still blaming.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sit and Reach

The other day my girls and I were talking and somehow the subject of touching your toes came up. Aly shared that when you are sitting with your legs out stretched; you should be able to touch your toes (at least according to a past P.E. teacher). You are even more flexible if your fingers can reach past your toes. Since Aly is not able to perform this type of exercise right now, Avery and I were the guinea pigs.

I was able to touch my toes and even reach past them about 5 inches, but my youngest daughter Avery could not even reach her toes. That shocked me; my young active 14 year old could not even reach her toes yet. We made jokes about how her legs were growing so fast her arms could not keep up, but this got me thinking about flexibility.

In life being flexible physically and emotionally is very important. Anything you do requires some degree of flexibility. Whether you are bending to pick something up or sit down somewhere or you are bending to someone else's ideas or ideals, flexibility is a key factor. This ability to be flexible is not something everyone is capable of as I witnessed with Avery when we did our sit and reach test here at home. I also realized that tragedies happen because of the inability of some people to be flexible and see that there are two sides to every story, and sometimes one side might hold more truth then another. Flexibility hands you the opportunity to explore the other side in a respectful and thoughtful way.

I am delighted that I can touch my toes and even reach past them, however, I wonder how emotionally flexible I am? I think of myself as someone who is thoughtful and interested in a balanced understanding of others, but when it gets right down to the wire, there are some things that snap the band and I lose all flexibility. I imagine that is how it is for most of us. We are happy to bend and stretch to make things work for everyone, but there is a point where you have no more stretch left and you snap. It kind of reminds me of the constant reminders I give my kids about things around the house, suddenly one day I reach my limit with the reminders and the flexibility snaps and I speak my mind, that's when I hear "Jeez Mom you don't have to yell!"

As I step out into the world today, I am going to practice some emotional sit and reach exercises. Something along the lines of waiting patiently and thoughtful understanding will be on the agenda. Nothing to strenuous, since I am not sure if my emotional flexibility is at par with my physical flexibility yet. Maybe later today the girls and I can practice our emotional flexibility skills together too. That should be interesting


 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

One Life’s Affect


As I sat watching Avery last night in her first school play, I could not help looking about wondering what seats were empty because of the death of one of her fellow cast members. A young beautiful 16 year old girl had been on life support for a week before she passed. The car she was riding in the week before was hit by a car that was trying to beat a red light. There was only the beautiful girl and a young teenage boy in the car. The boy sustained no injuries and the other car, full of teenagers (that hit them), were all fine as well. Beautiful Girl was hit like a target by their car.

 
I could not help but wonder how many lives had been affected. The director had spoken with the family and it was decided that Beautiful Girl would want the show to go on. I knew that Beautiful Girl's best friend was in the play and I watched her as she performed in the show as well. The friend held it together until the curtain call and then I watched as the cast dissolved one by one. That was just one group of people that Beautiful Girl had touched and I am sure there are many, many more.

 
Beautiful Girl was in our home just a few weeks ago at the beginning of December. She was working with Aly on a dance for a song they were doing with a group of theatre kids at their Thespian Festival. The group ended up winning an Excellent award. It was a high point for all of the kids. More lives that were touched by Beautiful Girl.

 
I am an outsider I do not claim to know her or her family or do I have any concept of what they might be going through right now. However, I do know that as an outsider I can see a small swatch of the lives she has touched and I am astounded one young person can affect so many lives. It never crosses our minds when we step out into the world each day that we are molding and forming other lives around us. We just head out plunging in hoping to get through the day. What if today when we head out the door we look at each face a little closer and smile a little more? What if we concentrate for just one day on how we affect the lives of other's and less on the tasks we must accomplish? I believe that our vision of ourselves would change. Instead of the lonely and selfish world we are so use to being a part of we would see our ripple. The ripple we create in our world's pond each time we step out into the day. I feel like I want to recognize the ripple now instead of having someone wonder over the empty seats when I am gone. I want to relearn how to step into my life and participate as Beautiful Girl did sharing and loving and living.

 
My baby girl made her ripple last night as she stepped out on her own and preformed in the school play. She started her ripple and I can see it will not be her last. She had laughs and hugs and joy surrounding her at the end of the night and I knew that she too will now carry forward Beautiful Girl's gift into the world. This is the circle of life, a beautiful life indeed.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Tenuous Life

You never know at the dawn of day how the day will end,

you follow the path and hope for the best, sometimes past the paths bend

Each step you take moves you into and out of the lives of many,

not knowing if this path will cross this way again

Hold your head high, look right and left and soak in life,

which runs on a tenuous thread

Be the heart, be the soul, be what you want others to be and LIVE and when the paths end rises up

jump from the cliff and fly like the angel you are.


 

In memory of 16 year old Ally Zimmerman who passed into God's arms yesterday…

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Crud Day 2


After some consideration, I decided to take Mark's advice yesterday and go to the doctor, and I am glad I did. Basically, I am infected from the neck up. My ears, sinuses and throat are all full of infection. When the doctor proclaimed his diagnoses yesterday, I'll I could say was "When did that happen?" I had little signs last week that my sinuses were uncomfortable, but we were on our end of the year whirlwind and I was not about to miss having our company over, celebrating New Year's with my friends and going to our friends wedding on New Year's day. Honestly, I felt like it was nothing my Neti pot (see below) couldn't cure.

 
So here I sit barking like a seal when I cough, afraid to swallow because it feels like a sander went sledding in my throat and wondering if what feels like a towel jammed up my nose will ever dislodge. When Aly was getting ready for her surgery, she had said that she couldn't wait for all the down time of lying on the couch and vegging and I had warned her she had better watch what she hopes for, because the grass always looks greener on the other side. Well, here I am on that side and quite honestly there is no place else I would rather be. Just the thought of moving makes me tired. Yesterday, I had to pick Aly up from school and I also picked up Avery so she could get a snack before play practice. I took her to get something and dropped her back off at school and by the time I got home with Aly I was worn out. That is actually when I decided that going to the doctor was a very good idea.

 
I plan to stay in my jammies today. Aly has arranged a ride home with a friend and Mark will pick up Avery after practice, so no one needs to worry about me being out spreading the Crud in my community. I am quite happy here with the dogs at my feet and the remote in my hand and at least for today, there is nowhere else I would rather be.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Crud

Out of the blue, I am sick. One minute I am having lunch with my husband and the next my chest starts to feel like it is filling with cement. This crud has rendered me useless. I cannot think clearly or even write coherently, thank goodness for spell check.

I am doing my best to stay away from my kids, since Avery is in a play this weekend and Aly and Avery are planning on trying out for the school musical next week. I really do not want to be the reason either of them is under the weather. Aly just had her final set of stitches from her surgery taken out yesterday and the doctor shared that the next two weeks are critical in her healing. I do not want her catching my crud and having more issues!

I am tired and unable to think anymore, so I think I will call it a day on my blog writing. Perhaps tomorrow will go better. Cross your fingers!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Fear Factor

I am not a fearful person. I do not have a lot of things that worry me or frighten me, over all when it comes to fear I am pretty even keel. With that being said, I should be honest and say that I often wonder why I am comfortable here in my little perch. Why have I never decided to go to college or now that my girls are older, go back to work. It sometimes crosses my mind that I might be afraid.

Fear can keep you from being who you are truly meant to be. Fear can keep you from stepping into a job or life choice that could bring you happiness. Fear can even make you think that you are not good enough for the choices you have to make. This is why I believe that fear is a dark place. Fear is not a place that you can go for comfort. Fear is what I believe to be the work of demons. These demons could be left over from childhood or they could have been created through a relationship or difficult time, but they are spurred by self doubt and sadness. The more self doubt and sadness, the more fear.

The hard part is pin pointing what caused the fear. Sometimes it is easy to say exactly where it (fear) came from and why, while other times the fear is irrational and it hides beneath your consciousness. Knowing what is causing the fear helps you move forward by confronting that fear head on. Right now I am convinced that my desire to be home and be a Mom is based solely on my desire to support my husband and children and keep our lives less stressful. I have spent a lot of time thinking about fear and the role it might play in my decision to be home and I am comfortable that( at least for now), there are no demons at work in my choice.

A good friend reminded me yesterday that I am the Project Manager for M & R (Mark and Ragen) Corporation. I tend to forget that regardless of how unimportant what I do here at home seems to others; to my family it is extremely valuable. As I ponder my happiness in my perch, it comes to mind that perhaps I am so comfortable here solely because of my happiness. No ulterior motives or demons, just plain joy in a life of everyday things with everyday people. For now this is a very fearless and comfortable position to be in.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Same Question Different Day

"So Ragen, how are you, what have you been up to?" This is the question that was asked of me at a wedding over the weekend. Once again, this question (what I am up to) is causing quite a stir in my heart. I was able to reply with a vague response of "Not much", but it left me feeling unimportant and disappointed in myself. It feels a little like I might not have a life. The truth is I do have a life, but it is just not the kind (of life) you would want to talk about in glowing terms to people you do not see very often.

My week always involves driving and picking up my children from school, practices and other after school activities. There is also my once a week visit to see my Aunt, and also any shopping or banking that she might need done. I have my grocery shopping and meal preparation, laundry and house cleaning as well as caring for my dog Roxanne and my Grand dog, Louis. There is always my writing that I do daily (except for Sunday) that helps keep me centered, but as for being up to something, I've got nothing.

Why do I feel so busy, like there is no way to squeeze another thing into my life, when I can describe what I do in a week with only one breath? Why do I feel like I am not fulfilling myself, yet nothing sounds even the slightest bit fulfilling? I have this sense that there is more out there for me, but I just do not know what it is. I am eager to fill this deep emptiness I am feeling, but I am not sure where to begin. Realistically, I really cannot work, with my Aunt and my girls, my time is split between doing the bidding of others and I am not sure how I would wrap a job into that. There would begin a bidding war that would ultimately take its toll on me.

With this being the beginning of a new year, I think it is a good time to whip out the Dream Board and start thinking about the "someday I'm going to" things again. There is this opening in my heart that wants to be filled and maybe by looking at my dreams, I can get a closer look at myself and what might fill me up to the point of feeling like a viable member of society. Mainly, I do not want the questions about "What I am up to" or "What are you doing now?" to be cause for me to beat myself up. Maybe just the fact that I am willing to look at myself and draw a path to fulfillment is a sign that there is someone in here that has a little bit of glowing left to do. It is also possible that there is much more life left in this lady that is just waiting to get out. Hmmm, now I just need to find out what the heck it is that I should be doing. Perhaps tomorrow we can discuss the fear factor…