Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Best Laid Plans

Yesterday I woke up with the intention of writing. My plan was to run with Mark at 5 AM and then come home and write. I ran, but then came home and showered got the girls off to school and got caught up in several other things including driving Mark to get a rental car so that he could leave town for work. I then came home and got myself ready to go to see Aunt Nina. Each moment yesterday was like a land slide of plans. Each plan I started the day with slid into the next until they were piled together and the victim was my writing.

I have always made my writing a priority and yesterday I felt like I let myself down. I put everything ahead of writing, and ( will admit it), even ordering some candles online pushed my writing aside. I went to bed frustrated and disappointed that I let myself down. I had the best of intentions, but lacked the drive to follow them through.

Welcome to life! You start out thinking you will be one thing and end up another. You plan how you will raise your kids, what career you will have and even what your moral or emotional code will be and then it changes. It is not something you plan on, it just happens. You start with the first child rinsing off the pacifier when it falls and end up wiping it on your pants for the last one, living by the three second rule at that point. You stand firm in your believe of how people should live or act and then find out that someone you love and care about is on the opposite side of where you stand. You suddenly must learn compassion and understanding for something or someone you never thought you would. You even find that your teenage plans to be a famous singer turn into being the Mom of 3 fabulous singers with 3 times the voice you ever had. Once again "Life is what happens when you are making other plans."

Today is a new day, I am writing. My best laid plans of yesterday have given way to a new plan today. I am just going to pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward. As usual there is much to do today and with Mark out of town for the week, I have to be on my game to do it on my own. Perhaps I will take just a few minutes to check out any last minute holiday cyber deals before I get going, (tee he he) what can it hurt?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanks


In spite of my trying to scare him away, I am thankful Mark has stuck around. He is my compass and ever steady companion. I am thankful that although we do not always agree we respect each other and love each other unconditionally. He is my true love and soul mate.
I am thankful for my children. When I started out having children I thought one would be enough. Ashleigh was a fabulous baby and she grew into an even more fabulous woman. I never thought anything or anyone would come close to my love for her. I was wrong. I now have Ashleigh, Aly and Avery, three of the most amazing young ladies as part of my life. Each one of my children stretched out my heart a little more so that there was room for all of them. I am thankful that Mark convinced me that life with children is truly a gift. A side note to that is that there are days when my patience is tried and my heart is hurt, but the unfailing love I feel still burns strong for my children.

 
I am thankful for my friends. They have walked with me through many of my struggles and joys. There are moments through the years that would have been more difficult, less fun and hard to explain if it was not for the friends that I have. My friends have helped me laugh at myself and taught me that who you are can only become better through the love and support of family and friends.

 
I am thankful for my sisters. I did not start my life with sisters, but through the twists and turns of my life's path I now have them. They have made this last two years of my life easier. I have learned that when it comes to your heart, there is always room for one more person.
I am thankful for the last few years that have taught me to take absolutely nothing for granted, not one moment or one person. Everything happens for a reason, everything good and bad has helped me learn and for that I am grateful. I will continue to be a better person as long as I keep moving forward through each moment in my life with my heart open. I am truly thankful and blessed.

 
I have decided to take a few days off. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will have my hands full with a 20 pound (I thought I should mention the size so you would not think I was talking about a family member) turkey. Friday, I will be out with my friend Shelly doing our annual day after Thanksgiving shopping. We have been shopping together after Thanksgiving since 1997. Last year I had to miss because of the fateful trip to New Orleans, but other than that we have been out having a blast every year. Saturday we decorate for Christmas and Sunday we try to recover from our vacation. With that kind of schedule, I will need to focus.
Happy Thanksgiving 2010 to one and all!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Stuff and Nonsense


 

Here is the problem, I am so overwhelmed, and I cannot accomplish anything. I know that sounds crazy, but every where I look, I have something I need to do and I just do not want to do any of it. I worked on my basement this morning. I swept mopped and emptied the trash. I have done a couple of loads of laundry and I still need to clean my bathrooms and sweep and mop my upstairs. I also need to make my cranberry sauce and two pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving. I have to get moving, but I am stalled.

I had a call this morning from my aunt's senior living community. One of the aides there wanted me to know that my Aunt has refused her bath for the fourth week in a row. I talked with Auntie and told her she would have to have it tonight. This is crazy, why would you not want to take a bath? The other thing is that it is just once a week and someone helps her. This means that Auntie has not had a bath in a month. I cannot believe I have to be the bad guy once again and insist that she take her bath! I am past the point of caring if I make her mad, that ship has sailed. No matter what I do I seem to make her mad, so I have stopped worrying about it. Just get in the bloody tub and clean yourself up!

As far as my Mom's estate, it is still slogging along. My sister has been amazing at working her way through the maze that is there. We still need to have the house appraised, value the building that my Dad's business was in, figure out a bunch of tax stuff and the list goes on and on. I have come to the conclusion that Dad was living the life and not really caring about Mom's estate or her heirs at all. He felt entitled and he acted entitled. That would explain why he said a year ago this Friday, "I deserve to be happy don't I?" It is hard to believe that that was just a year ago. This year has flown by.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving at home. I have a giant turkey and I am looking forward to making dinner and snacks and just enjoying the day with my family. No driving to Louisiana and no big family meeting. I am looking forward to my annual day after Thanksgiving shopping trip with my girlfriend, where we get up at the crack of dawn and shop until we drop with all of the other crazy people that do the same. I was sorry to miss that last year. Things will be our version of normal this year.

The dryer is done and it is calling to me to come and fold the clothes and the bathrooms will not clean themselves, so I best finish this up and get busy. I also have to squeeze in a trip to Sam's club and pick up the girls from school today, so I do not have time to dink around. Maybe I will put off the pie making and cranberries until tomorrow. That would take some of the pressure off. We'll see how things go. If nothing else I should probably shower since I am insisting on my Aunt taking one. No time to sit on my heels and wonder what to do next, I guess I will just jump in with both feet. Here goes…

Monday, November 22, 2010

Home



Mark and I outside the original Starbucks in Seattle











We are home. I had nothing but the best of intentions when I said I would write on Saturday, I thought it would be easy to sit and write in the airport and on the plane but to be honest it was not easy. Timing and space made it just about impossible. I am still shocked that the seats are so close together on flights now. On our first leg of our journey home on Saturday, the gentlemen in front of me pushed his seat all the way back and his head was practically in my lap. There is zero leg room and they do not even toss you a bag of peanuts these days. On the upside, we did pay extra so we could check our bags (big scam!) and we also had TV which was on the seat in front of us. It was a long day of flying, with us arriving home at 1:30 AM Sunday morning.
Pigs dressed as reindeer...kind of like it!


 
Yesterday afternoon Mark and I went with Avery to see Harry Potter #7. The girls had gone to see it when it first came out on Friday, but we had told them we would go with them on Sunday. Aly backed out at the last minute in the interest of homework, so Avery, Mark and I spent the afternoon watching the intense and amazing part one of the final phase of this series. Once home, I was ready for my pajamas. My hope is that in the next couple of days I can kick this jet lag and get back on track.

 
I also made a call to Aunt Nina last night. She shared her list of complaints about her week and I had the distinct feeling that we were heading down the same path we did last year when she randomly decided to move to the place she is living now. The only difference is that this time I am not moving her. I listened to her complaints and let her vent, but I am certain that she is so unhappy about so many things that nothing we do will be good enough, ever. Welcome home!

There is a part of me that would take another week of being away. I needed the time "off", but the truth is that it is not my life that needs to change it is me, and I figured that out yesterday when I was talking with Aunt Nina. Nothing is ever going to be exactly as we want it to be, it is what we make of the time we have that makes the difference. Negative breeds more negative…positive breeds even more positive. I will have to keep reminding myself of this as I make my way through the next few days of getting over my jet lag, buying groceries for Thanksgiving and doing laundry on top of visiting with my aunt and dealing with whatever comes along for the week about my Mom's estate. There never is a dull moment. It is good to be home.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Seattle Day 1 & ½

Rainy roads during three hour Vancouver to Seattle trip



Seattle Space Needle

 In the interest of time, I am going to combine today and tomorrow. Mark is planning to be done with work tomorrow so that we can spend the day together. I hope it actually works out. He has had so many problems with this project he is working on that he has spent a majority of his time working on that and this happens to cramp my hanging with my husband style. I cannot complain, because I am the tag along on this trip and I will take whatever time he offers up. However, if he is off tomorrow, I want all my time to be with him and not writing my blog…sorry folks.

 
Yesterday started early, we were on the road by 7:00 AM so that Mark could make one last stop at his Canadian site before we headed across the border to the USA. It rained all the way to Seattle. Once we got near his next location for work we stopped and had lunch and I opted out of joining him at his work site. I decided to have Mark drop me at a nearby Mall so that I could walk around and maybe sit somewhere and read my book. I just did not feel like sitting around where he was working. I was concerned about sticking out like a sore thumb and also having Mark worrying the whole time that I might be bored. By the way it continued to rain until later in the evening. It stopped just in time for us to roam around the area where we are staying.
Walking around Malls seems to be a theme with me throughout this trip. Perhaps it is because there is always a fair amount of shopping near tourist hotels. Plus it is more comfortable for me to step out on my own if I am heading toward a location where there are more people. Here in Seattle and in Vancouver there are a large amount of homeless and I feel somewhat uncomfortable when I am out on my own. Maybe if I lived in this area or spent more time on the road it would not bother me as much as it does. I truly do not believe that I am in danger; I just think it is mainly my own discomfort.
 I have been reading a book I picked up in Vancouver. This has made my time on my own easy and comfortable. It has been a long time since I have had time to sit and read and I am eating this up. I am also missing my girls. I think my being gone is good for all of us. I have wanted my girls to get an understanding of what they can handle without me around and this is a great opportunity for them. This will not change them needing there Mom around, but it will help them see that they know what they need to do every day without mom nagging them.
I struck out this morning to do a little Christmas shopping and to also have some lunch. I was the creepy lady eating alone. I had left my book behind at the hotel, so I found myself listening in on conversations I did not want to hear and trying hard not to stare at people inappropriately. I could not eat fast enough. I wanted to get the heck out of there and come back to the room so that I could write and read. Our hotel room here in Seattle is not as nice as the one in Vancouver, we have no kitchen, but we did luck out with a sitting area which is nice to have. It gives us a little more room to relax.

 
I have only two photos to share today. We borrowed Avery's camera for our trip since it was smaller than ours and it has been malfunctioning. Apparently it sucks down the batteries like they are water. I discovered this after I have lost out on some awesome photo opportunities this trip. One photo in particular was the skyline of Seattle all lit up as we headed downtown last night. You will just have to take my word for it that it was beautiful, because I got nothing.

 
My plan is to write again on Saturday as we prepare to fly home. We will be taking a flight that gets us back home about 11:30 PM. I am looking forward to getting back on my home town time, right now it is 5:00 PM at home and it is only 2:00 PM here. Every day seems like a day and half.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Vancouver, Canada Day 3

I made another attempt at finding a Mall yesterday. I looked at the maps they gave us at the hotel and I figured out where to go and I went. I do not need a thing, but I wanted to keep busy and see something of the city, so I got dressed and headed out on my adventure. Here are some things I have learned.

Vancouver is not a sunny place. Yesterday there was sun, but it is not common. I mentioned to Mark this morning that they must take a lot of vitamin D around here to keep their spirits up.

Vancouver is not a terribly friendly place. I am generally a chatty person that enjoys engaging in conversation with just about anybody. I found that this habit is not appreciated here. As I roamed the mall yesterday, I found it odd that the sales people rarely spoke to me. I also found the prices at the mall quite high. Between the price of food and the price of items at the mall, I have determined that either the people of Vancouver are quite wealthy or they are in deep debt.

Vancouver is larger than we had time to see. Since this is a work trip for Mark it was mostly, in the evenings that we would walk around near our hotel and check out the local flavor. It was fun to see a basic idea of the city, but I will be just as happy to get back to Seattle, on American soil, where I can call and text my family and friends and not have it cost a fortune.

Traveling for work is tough. It is not glamorous or fun. It is hard to be on the road in places you do not know. You are away from your family and friends with none of the luxuries that you enjoy at home. Being here is even more difficult because of the three hour time difference. I find myself waking up at 3:00 AM which is 6:00 AM at home. In the evenings, you are trying to relax and regroup and end up tired and ready to sleep way too early by the clock and not early enough according to your body.

Being with my husband and having this time with him is precious. This is not something that we will do again for a long time. He will be on the road for most of December, and I need to be home with my kids and pets. Perhaps in a few years if the chance comes up again I will join him, but for now I am happy that we had this chance to be together.

We are heading back to Seattle today and will remain there through Saturday. I hope the people of Seattle are at least friendlier and easy going. I am not sure I can take much more of the cold shoulder I have been getting here in Canada.

So that is pretty much what I have learned so far this week. All in all a great time with my husband and an OK time by myself. Just having the chance to not think about doing laundry or making sure someone gets thier homework done or the trash out, has been a nice vacation on its own. Having the added bonus of someone else preparing my meals has been a nice treat too. Over all, so far so good.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Vancouver, Canada Day 2



Perhaps you remember that a week ago I innocently mentioned my Sciatic nerve to my doctor which resulted in a quite a bit of pain in my back. As the week wore on the pain had subsided some and was more an annoyance rather than a full on issue. I had noticed that the more I walked the better it felt, so I tried to do a lot of walking. As we traveled on Sunday I had a small amount of pain, but I ignored it because I was excited to be on the road with my hubby.

Yesterday, while Mark was working I decided to head out and walk around downtown Vancouver for a while. It was raining so I inquired about an umbrella in the hotel shop and she informed me that they have umbrellas in the closet in each guest's room. My first thought was how nice that was, which was immediately followed by the thought that if they do that, it must rain an awful lot here. I headed up to our room, found the umbrella and headed out for a walk around the city. As I roamed the area I noticed that my back was feeling much better. Towards the end of my walk I found a little market on the corner near our hotel and decided to go in and buy some soup for lunch and maybe some cheese and crackers too.As I headed back to the hotel I realized I was having no pain at all. I even mentioned to Mark when he called that my back was doing much better. I was thrilled! I warmed up my soup and decided to sit on the floor and eat at the coffee table. BIG mistake, after I finished my soup, I went to stand up and TWANG, my back went out! I am now "back" to square one. Today while Mark is working, I will try another tour of the city to see if that will help the back situation any.

Last night when Mark got in from work we walked a bit looking for a place to have dinner. One thing to note if you ever decide to come to Vancouver is that there are no inexpensive places to eat. The food is delicious and the atmosphere in each place is wonderful. I am guessing that Vancouverites are big foodies and that they refuse to skimp when they go out to eat. We stopped into one place and sat at their bar for a drink and looked over their menu and decided to move on. As we walked we came across an Italian restaurant that was above a shop, (This is another thing we have seen a lot of, each street is filled with a variety of shops and then there are restaurants above them). We looked at the menu that was posted outside and decided to check it out. As we went up the stairs, it was like walking into a different world. It was a beautiful restaurant with high class waiters and an extensive expensive menu of delectable Italian cuisine. We ordered a light meal, refused the wine list and skipped dessert and still paid $70.00 for dinner. I told Mark, I did not care, because we might never be back to Vancouver and I want to enjoy our time together.

 
After that we headed to our hotel and sat by the fireplace in the hotel lounge and enjoyed a drink and some conversation. At this point we both were thinking it was at least midnight, but no…it was only 8:00 PM.

I am sure my body clock is going to be very out of whack when we get home. That will fit in nicely with my out of whack back won't it? Today is a new day and I intend to find a Mall in this town. Apparently, there is one just up the street, but it is underground. That would explain why I could not find it yesterday. Back pain or no back pain, I will find the Mall today. No Sciatic is going to ruin my trip.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Vancouver, Canada Day 1



 

Yesterday was a very long day! We woke at 3:00 AM and then drove to the airport at about 4:00 AM. After checking in for our flight, we headed to the security line, where instead of going through the usual security measures that require you to go through a metal detector they tapped me to go into the scanner. Inside the scanner I was asked to stand with me feet apart and my hands over my head. Then as I stepped out of there a female security officer proceeded to pat me down. Once it was determined that I was not a threat to national security I was allowed to put my boots and jewelry back on and head to our departure gate. It was now 5:30 AM and our flight was boarding in about 15 minutes.

 
Once on our flight we got as comfortable as we could since the airline we choose was Frontier and apparently they do not like to allow for much leg room. We were crammed in like sardines. I guess that is the price you pay for an inexpensive flight. Honestly, once we got settled it was fine. We had a little over two hour flight to Denver where we changed planes for our flight to Seattle. The next leg of our journey was uneventful other then the glaring fact that there was no food and my prepackaged snacks were no longer filling the bill. If we had wanted we could have bought a sandwich from the airline for $6.00, but the cheapskate in me would not allow it.

 
Once in Seattle we picked up our luggage, (since at the last minute I decided I did not want the hassle of fussing with the bags) and got our rental car. At this point my protein bar was not enough to sustain me any longer and I asked Mark to locate some food immediately. I was feeling weak and shaky, and did not want to pass out before I even started into the trip. We found a restaurant that we were familiar with from back home. We were just too hungry to look for a fun new place to eat, so we would have to save the adventure of that for later. Once we were filled with food fuel, we were on our way to the next part of our journey, the three hour drive to Vancouver, Canada. The drive was a bit grey and drizzly and but many of the sights were interesting. We arrived in Vancouver at 3:00 PM their time which would be 6:00 PM our time. This meant we had now been up for 14 hours, traveled across America and into Canada. Once we were in Vancouver, I was shocked to see how congested it was. Somehow in my mind I had pictured it differently. Even thinking back to the pictures of Vancouver from the Olympics a couple of years ago, I did not remember the city looking like this. Our hotel is beautiful. We booked on hotels.com and we are delighted. The room is like a small apartment with a living room, kitchen, dining room, bedroom and bathroom. We spent a little time last night roaming around the city sights near our hotel and had a nice light snack and headed back to our hotel with the idea that we would head out for dinner but the day caught up with us and we climbed into bed at 7:30 PM Vancouver time, or 10:30 PM our time. We were exhausted!

 
Today I am on my own while Mark works. I plan to walk to a Mall that is nearby and poke around and also read and relax. From the looks of things, grey and drizzly is on tap for today too, so I might need to find a nice umbrella to have as a souvenir.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Final Count Down

Here we are in the final hours before we leave. We will be leaving our house at 4:00 AM and my hope is that I will be able to get some sleep before that. I still have to pack (screaming in my head), finish up some laundry (towels, sheets etc) vacuum my basement, go to church and come up with some type of dinner for my family.

I am sure right now you are thinking "Vacuum? Wash sheets?" But that's what I do when I leave. Especially since, I am leaving my children home with our lovely caregiver. I want the house somewhat tidy and pleasant. Honestly when we travel I usually will pull my house together before we go so that when I open the door to my house after the trip, I am not faced with all the travel laundry and a messy house.

Odds are very good that in this instance I will walk into a bit of disarray. Keeping the house tidy is my issue and my idea of clean may not be the same as my kids, so I have lowered my expectation that I will come home to the house the way I left it. In the big picture it truly means nothing compared to seeing my family after a week.

I am planning to continue blogging throughout our trip. So keep your eyes peeled Monday for the first exciting update on our travels.


 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Full Steam Ahead

Yesterday, I drove two hours to sign papers so that my Dad's boat could be sold. Today, I will drive an hour in the opposite direction to take steps to have my Aunts hearing checked. I am running back and forth trying to cover all of my bases before I head out of town with Mark on Sunday. My week has slipped through my fingers. Each day this week was less productive then I had hoped and I am now staring right down the gun at Sunday. I will now do a silent scream in my head!

There is no time to look back over my shoulder and recover the lost objectives for the week. I am going full steam ahead into Sunday. If there is a missed task or item it will just have to stay missing. Whatever the missing pieces are, when I climb on that plane on Sunday they will just be part of the cluttered landscape of things I wish I had done. I will have to forget about them and move on.

I have had a number of people tell me this week not to worry about my kids while I am gone. I have been advised to relax and enjoy my trip. I have been told that they are old enough to take care of themselves. I have also been told what great kids they are and how it is good for all of us to have this break. The thing is, I am not worried about my kids at all. I have never really been concerned when my children have stepped out into the world…well, except for when Ashleigh was in 8th grade and I would not let her go on the invitation only class trip to Chicago. That is a black mark on my parenting record. I was too protective. I also let Aly and Avery go on the same trip in their 8th grade year, so believe me this bad decision has been tossed in my face many times. I would like to publically apologize to Ashleigh one more time for my poor judgment.

Now that I am finished groveling, I should tell you that I intend to complete several more tasks (before I leave) to prepare my home for our lovely caregiver for the girls to arrive. My home will not be as clean or prepared as I had hoped, but the most important thing is that the girls are happy and excited that she is coming. They are also just as excited that they will have a car to use for the week. When I told them about the trip, Aly asked me "Does this mean we can drive the car to school?" and when I replied "Yep.", there was a lot of knuckle knocking and high fiving. A weaker mom might have been hurt, but not me (that's a lie). Why would I be hurt that the highlight for my kids is the car and not my being gone? Honestly, I am happy that Aly and Avery are confident and independent enough to survive without Mom. I am also just a little excited for them to have to keep up with all the little things that have to be done each day to keep our home running.

So, enjoy the car ladies, but get the dogs fed and out, the dishes cleaned, your laundry done, your homework done and keep my house tidy, because I am full steam ahead…outta here! Well, I am after I go see my Aunt and finish some last minute dog washing, house cleaning and food shopping.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Early Hours



It is 5:30 AM and everyone is starting to stir this morning. Two children have to go to school and one husband has to go to work. One mom is up to write her blog and get everyone out the door without too much commotion. I like my house in the morning. I am rested and the house is quiet. I am able to think a little and enjoy a few short moments before everyone starts busting out of their rooms and invading the living room and kitchen.

 
I have always been a morning person. That is when I am usually at my best. Mornings feel refreshing and new, as if you have a brand new start, a do over if you will. A real bonus for me is the weekends when my alone time can be extended while my sleepyhead family sleeps in. I like the chance to gather my thoughts and center myself for the day ahead. I actually prefer to write when it is quiet around here. It is easier to think and even form my thoughts when I do not have people sharing stories or complaining about the cereal selection.

 
This morning I am enjoying the roar of a hair dryer and the sound of the shower running, while one of the dogs lays curled at my afghan covered feet. As the girls begin to interact, the dog looks at me like "here we go!" and I feel his pain. Our quiet is slowly dissipating and life is taking over. We are no longer in our quiet place. The other dog joins us and suddenly there is a battle for the best spot at my feet and morning has broken. We cannot pretend anymore, the day has started and we are part of it so let's get to it!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ho Ho Ho


Me at about two years old
I have started my Christmas shopping. I know to some it is early and to others it is late. For me, it is just about right. Last year because we were making plans to travel back and forth from New Orleans, my Christmas spirit was minimal at best. I was just happy I bought gifts and they made it under the tree. This year I want to enjoy the process of playing Santa.

 
A friend of mine used to have her gifts purchased and wrapped weeks before Christmas. I was always amazed at how she could possibly do that. I have always been burdened with thinking too much about what to get someone as a gift. I walk around the store waiting for something to jump out and call the person's name. Sometimes I am more prepared then that, sometimes I will see an ad that screams the person's name or if I am lucky enough they will be direct and tell me what they are hoping for. Recently, for our God daughter's birthday, I called and asked what she would like and she replied, "Surprise me; I always like what you give me". Talk about pressure, now I was on the hook for coming up with something fabulous "like I always do". The idea that I would be winging it made me a little nervous, but in the end my efforts were a success. When I asked her what she might like for Christmas guess what she relied? That's right "surprise me!"

 
I absolutely love giving gifts, I enjoy searching and finding just the right thing to wrap and place under the tree. I celebrate my successes and I am devastated by my failures. If someone is less than thrilled with my choice for them, I feel as if I let them down. There is nothing worse than opening a gift, filled with excitement, only to discover a gift dud.

 
I have been on the receiving end of the "dud". When I was a little girl "Santa" brought me a stocking full of coal. There is also the year (when I was much older) that my Mom thought it would be fun to give me a t-shirt that said "SHE, one who must be obeyed". I basically pulled her aside that day and shared with her how hurt I was and she just gaped at me like I was the problem. Actually, I have a lot of bad gift memories from my Mom. She was famous for deciding for you what you would like and it many times was something that was on the farthest end of your like meter. Perhaps that is why I worry so much about wrapping up just the right thing as a gift. It also explains my nervousness about shopping for our God daughter with no parameters.

 
I am excited and happy to have the Christmas shopping ball rolling. I think so far my gift decisions are good and the recipients will be happy too. There is no looking back at the past now it is full steam ahead into the present…the Christmas present that is!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Big Pain

I have had this nagging pain. It has been on and off for a few weeks now and the pain while not excruciating has been annoying, until yesterday. That's when I took Avery to the doctor for a sinus infection and decided that since I was there I would mention my Sciatic nerve issue. Big mistake, because now the pain is way worse and I am worried I will be a granny pants on our trip next week.

Once I mentioned my pain to our family doctor he started folding, spindling and mutilating my body. Contorting it into poses I am certain bodies are not suppose to do and viola, I am now a walking ad for back pain. I know that my doctor's plan was to make my back better, but his plan has failed and I am hoping it is a temporary issue. I really do not want to be complaining the entire trip how uncomfortable I am, and I am also positive Mark does not want that either.

I know I need to call the doctor and get back in to see him. Maybe he can unpretzel me and get me back to normal. I just have to squeeze this doctor visit into the 459,000 other things I want to accomplish this week. Reality is that my back is a high priority, it is just convincing me to make the time that is the problem. I have a funny feeling I will be heading into the weekend with my eyes bugging out and a feeling of anxiety about not getting everything done. If I do not get this back situation cleared up, I will be buggy eyed and stooped over. Wouldn't that be a pretty sight walking through the airport with my husband?

So after my pedicure today, I guess I will also need a back cure. I have been looking forward to this trip way too long to suddenly have it ruined by a big pain. I refuse to become a granny pants. I also refuse to give up hope that I will be back to myself very soon. I wish now that I had just let the dull nagging annoyance go. I would have been a lot better off. Oh well, no use crying over a bent pretzel rod, I will just have to do what I can to get my back "back" very soon.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Neck

In just a few days, I am leaving town. Mark is going to Seattle and Vancouver, Canada for work and I will be joining him. Mark has wanted to take me with him each time he has traveled there for work and for one reason or another it has never worked out. Finally all the planets have aligned and I can hit the road with Mark.

That would be the upside; the down side is I have to prepare to leave. Unlike Mark, I cannot just pack a suitcase and walk out the door. I have to get everything organized for my girls and pets so that they are safe and happy while I am away. I also have to get my house clean and tidy. This week I will not only be preparing to leave, I will be preparing for the rest of my family to stay. I will be buying food and cleaning. I will also be doing laundry and packing. I have to prepare next week's calendar to keep everyone on track and I also have to keep myself on track too. I am certain that this is what all women go through when they travel, it is not unique to me, however, that does not make it any easier. It is times like these that I remember that I am the neck of the house. Mark is the head and my family is the body, and I keep them together. The head does not turn without the neck and the body is not aware of the head without the neck, I am the reason that these to completely different parts can work as one. There is a lot of preparation required for the neck to take a break.

Over the years I have learned that I am the one that gets us out the door when we travel. I make sure that all of the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. I have plans and lists that I follow so that nothing is forgotten. That's just who I am and what I do. There is a small piece of me that sometimes wishes that I could just pack my bag and head out the door like Mark does, but that would mean that my life would be different, my girls would be gone and on their own. That would also mean my purpose would be just me.

As nice and easy as that sounds, I am not quite ready for that. I like being the neck. I like being the one that turns the head and body in the right direction. Quite honestly, I have been doing this for so long now that I know I am going to have a hard time stopping. I guess the big picture is I have a few short years left to wean myself off from this job. The small picture is that it will not be that easy the neck is the most important part! It will all be worth it when I climb on that plane with Mark early Sunday morning and at that point if I did not do it, or forgot it…OH WELL!!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Amazing Grace

A few days ago I was listening to the Oprah channel on XM radio and they were rebroadcasting a show that Oprah had done in 2005 about domestic abuse. It was a horrific story about a woman who was emotionally and physically abused by her husband for 14 years. The husband would abuse her in front of their two sons and encourage them to also hit their mother. The final event that pushed the woman to seek help for herself was an hour's long session of abuse that the husband had their 13 year old son video tape.

Yesterday, as I had breakfast with some friends, one of them told us a story of a neighbors son (who is a high school senior) who came to the door and asked if he could stay with them for a couple of weeks because his Dad(I use that term loosely) had thrown him out of the house. She shared stories of seeing the boys picking rocks from their gravel road out of their front yard grass. She also shared how one of the boys was forced to walk to school in a snowstorm to retrieve a forgotten school book needed for homework. She also shared other stories of abuse that the two sons of this neighbor were forced to endure. The mother had left the husband and the boys when the oldest was only 5 years old, so for 13 years these boys have been left in the hands of this abuser. This oldest boy (who is staying with my friend)has a part time job and he is also in a couple of high level classes at the school. He is not a druggy or a drinker; he is just a kid trying to do all the right things in a bad environment. My friend said that this boy is not going back to his house (I will not call it a home); he will now stay with her.

Both of these stories left me haunted. My heart hurt for these victims of abuse. There is no way to ever understand how anyone can hurt or abuse someone that they claim to love. When you are in the middle of abuse, you do not even see it as abuse. You think you deserve what is happening to you. You did something to bring the abuse upon yourself. You also think that no one can ever understand or save you. Listening to these stories brought my own abuse out of the shadows.

I have been given the gift of grace. I have left those memories and moved into a new life, but hearing of these others that have lived the abuse and are even now living the abuse reminds me of how far I have come. Lurking in the shadows of my mind are the moments that will never be completely forgotten. This too is grace, with the knowledge that I have now, I have been able to break the cycle. I think of it in terms of someone that loses a limb. They are given a prosthetic and they are able to move about. They sometimes even feel pain, where the limb once was. They are able to live a somewhat normal life, yet they are changed forever.

Nothing happens without reason. By turning on the radio the other day and joining my friends for breakfast yesterday I was reminded of the amazing grace I was given, the opportunity to remember how painful abuse can be yet still move past it and thrive. It is truly one of life's miracles and I am blessed.

People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned. ~ *James Baldwin

*(died in 1987, he was an American novelist and playwright and civil rights activist.)


 

Friday, November 5, 2010

Run for Cover


    
My middle daughter is struggling. She is uncomfortable because of the perinidal cyst she has and she is crabby because her course load at school is so heavy. The combination of these things has turned her into Negative Nellie. I told her this morning that just because she is miserable does not mean everyone else has to be too. She reminds me of Godzilla, she walks in the room stomps around griping and complaining and pretty much crushes everyone else's good mood right out of them.

 
Well today is the last day for this horse hockey! I am tired of everyone running for cover when they see her coming. It feels a little like we are being abused. Her anger and hostility has grown to the point that there is no way to even negotiate with her. Everything is horrible, stupid, ugly, dumb, and annoying. She is obviously miserable.

 
Here is the hard part. It reminds me so much of me when I was her age that I cannot seem to be impartial. I sometimes look at her and I feel like I am looking right into a mirror of my old self. I want to share with her the things I have learned over the years, but I know she would not be receptive to it. She will have to learn from her own life experience. Can our family wait that long? That is the question. The other question is, am I the best person to handle this? She needs someone impartial and willing to walk her through this difficult time. I have a hard time dealing with this negativity, because I know what her life is like and I know it is not a bad life, but I am the last person she wants to hear that from, and I am the last person that will be able to convince her that everything is not as bad as it seems. I am the Mom, and at this point in her life I not going to be the one with the answers.

 
It is time to call in a professional that can talk her off her ledge. The growing anxiety we all have when she gets in her moods is not good for any of us. When she starts in on her Negative Nellie campaign, we all run for cover. We are all tired of being stomped on and we have lost the ability to be caring and understanding. I sometimes feel like saying to her, you think you have it bad? I have a daughter that gripes about everything and stomps around like Godzilla; I think I am the one who has it bad! This approach would probably work against us, so a professional seems like the wiser choice. The best way we can show her we love her and care that she is struggling is to call in a recruit, so that is what I am going to do. Someone with a big net and a tranquilizer gun might be necessary though. My Negative Nellie is not going to go down without a fight.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Addiction

I admit it I have become addicted to a television show. I am hooked on Ghost Whisper. The show is about woman who can see and talk to ghosts. I have become so addicted that I will watch three shows in a row some afternoons, and the shows that I have to miss, I try to record. I am certain that this all has something to do with the fact that I feel like my Mom is still here with me.

After my Mom died on May 22, 2009, I was beside myself with stress and grief over some of the plans my Dad was making for her Memorial. I was also filled with anger about the fact that he was seeing someone else on the side (the woman who was supposed to be caring for my mom that he later married). I was driving one day and in frustration I started talking to my Mom out loud. I said "Mom, I do not care how long it takes I am going to make this right". At that moment, I knew she heard me and was there with me.

At her memorial service I asked my girls to sing the song The Climb that was originally sung by Miley Cyrus. They did a beautiful job singing the song acapella and they sounded like angels. Now, every so often when I have a concern about her estate or a worry I will randomly hear that song. It has been amazing. Sometimes it is the original version, and other times it is a snip of it, no matter when it is, it is unexpected and I cannot help but feel she is with me and letting me know it will be OK.

Recently, I was sitting in a chair in our living room. The chair sits next to the end table where I keep the box of my Mom's ashes. I was talking on the phone with my sister and we were discussing some estate issues. As I was talking with her I remember feeling a warm tingling sensation just above my knee as if someone's hand was there giving my leg a little squeeze. My Mom used to do that when we would be talking, she would always give my leg a little love squeeze. I knew at that moment my Mom was there letting me know she was happy with what we were doing on her behalf.

My addiction to this show helps me feel like my connection to my Mom is real. It is not some made up crack pot idea, it is real. I hope that my Mom knows that despite our relationship issues in the past I will always work to correct the wrongs that were done to her. I might not have agreed with everything she did, but I loved her and have dealt with a lot of sadness based on her final months of life. If a few hours of ghost stories will help me heal and feel like I am still able to reach out to her, I am going to do it. Honestly, I think the show ended last May, so how many more episodes could there be any way. Not that it matters, because I will see each and every one of the episodes. I guess that is why it is called an addiction.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

One Random Thought


It was subtle but it had a dramatic affect on me. I am talking about the random thought the other day about what to get my Dad for Christmas. I was just going about my business and the thought floated into my head. It was a good few minutes before I realized what had happened and it threw me a little bit. It is really hard to believe that it has been almost two years since my family drama began. It is also still a little shocking that both my parents are gone.

 
A year ago this week, plans were in full swing for my fateful Thanksgiving trip to Louisiana. You remember the one where I met the woman that was living in what a few months earlier had been my Mom's home. That was a difficult and stressful time. Which then lead to months of more and more stress. The end result was that a very sick man died and left behind a huge mess for my sister and me to clean up. Every day it seems like we come across or hear about more issues that my Dad created, but somehow, I sometimes still forget that he is gone.

 
I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving. I want to rinse the taste of last year's Thanksgiving from my mind and replace it with a new and better memory. I want to make my own turkey and pie and relax with my family. Mostly, I just want to relax. My family has had a difficult 18 months and while it is too much to expect that we will be without stress ever again, I do want to snuggle into this lull and rest my brain. I want to "take a load off" as they say.

 
Even with all the past memories floating about, somehow I still have a small cerebral remnant of my Dad floating around my brain that I have not yet released. I now realize that my relationship with my Dad was more imagined then reality. That does not stop me from thinking about him which has been my habit for 27 years. He is a part of my fiber. He changed the way I think about many things and he has taught me to not give away my trust too easily. I have also learned to trust my gut.

 
I have decided this year to replace the thoughts of what to get my Dad or Mom for Christmas, I am going to give. I am going to give to my church, I am going to give to people that I know are struggling and I am going to give to family and friends. We do not have a lot, but I want to give. Giving seems like the best way to heal. I can help others while healing myself at the same time.

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared" This is a quote from Buddha.


 
That one moment days ago has had a profound impact on me. Honestly, this last 18 months has had a huge impact on me as well. I will not take a single moment for granted. I plan to enjoy my life, my family and my friends. I honestly believe that by honoring my Dad and forgiving him for the hurt he has caused I will be giving him the greatest gift I have to offer. A lot can come from one random thought.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Boots


"Do you have a massager in there?"
Unlike many of my friends, I like this time of year, the weather is cooling down and we are layering up. I enjoy, even love hot and sunny summer days, but nothing can compare to full on cute sweater and boot weather. This time of year, I cannot wait to slide on my boots with the kitten heels and hit the road. My friends have from time to time pointed out that I dress up rather than down, but this cannot be helped. I was raised by a fashionista and I am continuing the tradition with my own children. A girl wants to feel good and look good right?

 
A few years ago, Mark and I were touring Traverse City with some friends and the husband of my girl friend started calling her a cute and cleaver nick name. I liked it so much I started hounding Mark for a cute nick name too. At that time he informed me that nicknames just happen, you cannot force it. I was very disappointed. Throughout the remainder of our weekend getaway I was in constant search mode for my nickname, to which Mark then pointed out that you cannot nickname yourself. It was a big joke all weekend, that I was so jealous of my friend's nickname. Honestly, it was more about her husband thinking of something cute and special to call just her that intrigued me the most. I wanted there to be something about me that my husband thought was cute and special too. Well, be careful what you wish for, because it can give you a big old bite in the tuckus!

 
As we were finishing up our fun weekend getaway, I was climbing into our car and realized that I had stepped in some mud. "YUCK, I have mud all over my boots" I yelled out. That's when the large bite of butt hit. "Muddy Boots, that will be your nickname" Mark announced. "Excuse me? My friend gets a cute and sassy nickname and I get Muddy Boots? I don't like it" I replied ticked off, but laughing because it was so ridiculous. Once again Mark pointed out, "You do not get to decide your own nickname".

 
As time has gone on Mark has rarely used the nickname, but I have persuaded him to shorten it to "Boots". There is something about him calling Muddy Boots to me in public that just bugs the heck out of me. Here I am trying my hardest to look and feel pretty and my dork husband is saying, "Hey Muddy Boots, come here and see this." as everyone stares at me. Yeah thanks, now I feel like a million bucks.

 
Over the weekend, Mark and I were out doing his every 5 year clothes shopping trip and I was standing outside the dressing room waiting to bestow my opinion on him of the various clothing items he was trying on. Here comes this salesman, (he was working the room), trying to get some sales I guess and he must have decided that I looked like a good candidate. "Wow, look at those" he said looking at my boots. "Do you have a massager in there?" I just looked at him thinking "Idiot!", but I just said "No". Since he apparently could not tell that my Bozo reflector shield was up, he kept talking, "Oh, I just saw those pointy toes and I have always thought how uncomfortable they must be" he said in his super sleazy salesman voice. "Actually, they are very comfortable" I said and then turned my head away to show that our discussion was now over. Apparently, where he is from he was not taught body language, because he kept at it. "Yeah, I have had people tell me that before, I just cannot imagine cramming my toes in there". I just looked at him with my SHUT UP eyes and said ha ha "yeah" then turned towards the dressing room and said "Hey Mark, I will wait for you in the shoes".

 
For as much trouble as my boots have caused me, I still love them, and I am very happy that the time has come for me to pull them out of their boxes. The other high point for me this year is that I had to retire some boots last year, so I will be on the lookout for some replacements. In the big picture, I really do not care about the nickname so much, I know that Mark loves me, it is just fun to have a cute name other than the one I am sure the salesman called me as I turned and ran away from him. So for the record, you can call me Boots.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Dream Chasing




One of our Halloween pumpkins this year,
 my personal favorite!
  This morning
as I was stumbling around trying to make my bed, I looked up and caught sight of my dream board. You remember my dream board, don't you? That's what got this new blog series going.

 
"Oh yeah…my dreams, I forgot about those", I thought to myself when I caught sight of the dream board.

Honestly, I have been so busy living, I forgot about my dreams. Welcome to reality, maybe dreams are more of a guideline of what you want your life to be. As much as I would like my dreams to be my focus, my life begs to differ. I do not think I am alone. I am certain that my predicament is normal for most people. You get so caught up in the everyday normal life you are living and you slowly forget to review your personal dream agenda. Maybe that in its self is a blessing. I would not want to get so tied to my dream agenda that I could not side track and spend some time with my kids or Mark.
 The best I can do is keep looking for my dreams and hopefully I will work one or two into the life I am really living. I like the idea that the dream board is more of a guideline. That gives me a little wiggle room to let life play its self out and every now and then sneak in a dream. No use making my dreams the priority, that would only make them seem like work, and they would lose their magical powers of rejuvenation and healing. Besides, I like my life and if I mess with it too much, it might turn into something less enjoyable.

 
All I am really saying is that my life (as it is) really is a dream come true and some days in the midst of teenitudes and housework and grocery shopping I lose that dreamy feeling. It's nice to have other dreams out there to help refocus me, but making them the ultimate driving force behind everything I do could be a mistake. I would miss the fun that just pops up unexpectedly and makes me fulfilled and happy. Things like talking with my one of my daughters when she is sad and helping her feel better again, or making plans for a trip that was never even on my dream radar, but sounds like fun. I will not be giving up my dream board or even my dreams anytime soon. I will even be searching for more dream ideas. The difference is that now I realize that although I am not staring at my dreams every day, they are still there and they are not going anywhere. That is because they are my dreams and they will be with me for as long as I want them there. That is a dream come true.