Day 16 Ride of Your Life

Today feels out of control. I feel like I am going to be going in a million directions and I am not in the mood! I just want to be home and do nothing. Here is the thing; I do not like doing nothing, I like being busy, but I just want some time at home, and it is not going to happen. I have to go to the bank, and go to the grocery store, plus I have volunteered to help one of my favorite teachers at the girl's old elementary school this afternoon and this evening is the last workshop for this session of A Beautiful Me. It is funny that I am feeling this today, since just yesterday I was frustrated because my girls do not know how to not be busy. I am wondering where the happy medium is, and if I can be comfortable there. Somewhere between busy and nothing, that is where I would like to be. I have been going nonstop since school started and I am tired.

Tomorrow is no better, since that is the day that I take Aunt Nina back to her house for a visit. I am not sure how that will go, but it needs to be done. Aunt Nina feels like she has it all together and that she is controlling how her life is going, but it takes a lot of finagling by Mark and I to keep her life running. Honestly, right now I would really like it if someone would take care of me. I think that sometimes I am so good at taking care of everyone else, that everyone (everyone is code for my family) forgets that I might need to be taken care of a little bit too. I am constantly planning and executing any number of events and activities that benefit others and my well is running low. I am feeling extremely needy myself right now.

All of my get up and go is being used up on others and I think I need to put an all about me date on the calendar. Just a day where I can clean a little, maybe watch an old movie (or two) and not worry about anyone else's schedule. Let's see what the calendar says…hhmmmmn…no, not that day, or that one, maybe this one. That's it, Monday is the day. I am going to put "All About Me" day on the calendar. We will see how this actually goes, but it is something to shoot for anyway. I am going to have to make an effort to care for myself with as much diligence as I do my family. I am starting to get a bad attitude, since I am feeling like I am lying at the bottom of the heap.

I am going to have to climb out from under all of this today and get moving. I have a lot to accomplish and a pity party for me has no place on today's agenda. I will have to take a look at my dream board this morning to remind me that there is more to me than meets the eye. I have needs and dreams and interests that matter just like everyone else and sometimes, a girl just wants to be taken care of. I'm just say'in!

Day 15 Ride of Your Life

Sitting across from me today is my middle daughter Aly. She is home from school with a combo pack of aliments. I am normally a "suck it up and go to school" kind of mom, but Aly has been burning the candle at both ends. Aly has a very bad cold and now she has been diagnosed with a Pilonidal Cyst which has left her with no immune system at all. Aly has been working all day on the weekends going to school which includes two AP classes and also hanging out with friends in between for weeks and she is now paying the price.

 We went to see a surgeon yesterday and he told us that for Aly the best course of action would be to remove the cyst since we are having such a hard time controlling the infection. The hard part is that a Pilonidal Cyst grows at the base of your tail bone, which means that she would not be able to sit on her bottom for a few days after the surgery. Since sitting is such a big part of her school day we will have to plan its removal around a school break. I also tried to convince Aly yesterday that she should slow down on some of her activities. Maybe quit her job, student counsel or skip the fall plays at school this year, but it turns out she LOVES her job, being on student counsel and she also does not want to miss out on the plays. I have created another Monster!

 My oldest daughter Ashleigh went nonstop in high school too, until she came down with Mononucleosis the end of her junior year. Once she healed from that she started back on her high intensity schedule and she has pretty much continued to live that way to this day. What have I done to my kids? I have taught them to live the life that I lead. I once described it to Mark like this; "When I look at life's buffet, I never see anything I do not want to add to my plate!" Unfortunately, my girls are the same way and they are making themselves sick over it. I am not really sure how to end the cycle. I was holding out hope that maybe Avery would be the one child that did not burn both ends of her candle and then she went to auditions for two fall plays at school yesterday and she will be going to these auditions for two more days, she is a member of student counsel which will meet at 6:45 AM on Friday and she has also told me this morning that she is going to her friends bonfire on Saturday from 6:00 PM until whenever. I will now throw up my hands and scream!

 In the big picture I have to admit, that my girls have things that they enjoy doing. They have all been good students and enjoyed the high school years. I know Avery is new to this, but she seems to be settling in very well. If the worst thing my kids learn from me is to taste life, I guess I cannot complain, it can take its toll, but it is not going to kill them or get them thrown in jail. However, there needs to be some balance, and I am not sure I am the best person to teach them that. Let's face it, my blog is about stepping out and living my dreams, while I am living my life, look at the role model that my children have. Right now I need to concentrate on getting Aly feeling better and back at school. Being off from school only adds more pressure since she will have to make up all that homework too. This is not a dream day for me, but it is a necessary one since being a Mom is my real job and living my dreams is still something I do on the side.

Day 14 Ride of Your Life

These are my puppy leg warmers, a good thing on a chilly morning

I have been back at this blog writing for two weeks today and I still try to write "The Perfect Mom Project" at the top of the page, each day that I write. I suppose that is to be expected after writing it for 365 days. I am trying not to worry that I am just not able to move on from the whole perfect mom thing. I know that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so I have 7 more days to get in the groove.

 I have wondered if part of the reason I start to write "The Perfect Mom Project" is that I have not thoroughly embraced the Ride of Your Life". Maybe I am still a little more invested in my children then I am in myself. You know what, I don't care! I would rather keep pouring into these people that I helped create and give them what they need then walk away and be all about me. Honestly, I am always on edge about the all me attitude anyway, especially since last Fall when my Dads now famous words were, "I deserve to be happy, don't I?" The word deserve just made me very uncomfortable. I know a lot of people that deserve happiness and they just do not seem to have it. I do not think that life is even about your happiness at all, I think it is about strength and giving. I also think it is about becoming part of the community and the world. When you start to believe that you are above all and deserve all, you are actually below all.

 Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on pursuing my dreams and making goals for myself, I am just planning on squeezing me into the slots that the girls have left open as they grow up. As an example, the Italian lessons I am planning on taking happen to be on Wednesdays. As I looked at my calendar yesterday, I realized that the girls have a choir concert on one of the weeks of the class. Guess where I will be? Watching my beautiful girls sing of course, I would be nowhere else! This is the time for me to balance a little bit of me with a lot of my family. Right now this is a fair balance. My children and husband have helped me become the woman I am today, I owe them my time and love. I cannot guarantee them happiness, that is really not something anyone can guarantee, but I can give them the tools to get the best shot at happiness that they can.

 Today I will be helping make Aunt Nina happy. She turns 93 today and after I take Aly to a doctor's appointment, I will pick up the big sheet cake and the balloons and head out to help make Aunt Nina's birthday a special day. Aunt Nina deserves happiness. After 93 years of watching the world change and her husband and daughter die, the least I can offer her is a day that is full of happiness, a day that is just about her. Honestly, today it does not matter how unreasonable she is, or even how frustrating she can be, there will be plenty of days I will go back to that with her, today she deserves to be happy and I am happy I can make that happen for her. That to me is what happiness is all about anyway. So today, I am a perfect mom want to be and a lone rider trying to make the day special for someone else. Today is a good day!

Day 13 Ride of Your Life

Today is my husband Mark's birthday. Mark took the day off work and we are going to spend the day together. We have plans to go to lunch and perhaps shop for some new cooking knifes for my chef want-to-be. I am looking forward to spending this time with the man I love.

 Meeting Mark will always be one of the best moments in my life. It actually ranks as high as when my girls were born. He has helped me laugh at myself and life. Quite honestly one of his most endearing qualities when I met him was his easy going attitude and his sense of humor. Over the years as life has pounded away at us, I have lost some of my appreciation for this gift and at times have said things like "Everything is not a joke you know!" or "Very funny Chuckles!" Reality is that Mark is my better half, he finishes me off or to steal the line from the movies, "He completes me". I did not have to put a picture of Mark on a dream board, he just showed up in my life and I knew he was the one for me. There was no doubt for me from the moment we met; I knew I was going to marry him.

 Our life together is one like most couples, we have our highs and our lows but after 18 years of marriage, I still say I would marry him all over again. There is no one I would rather spend my life with. I look forward to the weekends when we can be together and when we are on vacation together I am always sad when he has to go back to work. We are always thinking about and planning our next trip, travel is another adventure that we love to share together and with our girls.

 On this day of his birth he remains a true gift in my life. He is easy going and understanding, loving and caring. He can show patience with people and have no patience when repairing objects. He is organized at work and not so organized at home. Mark has a brilliant mind and he has helped all our girls with their homework, putting up with many evenings of crying girls at our dining room table as they made their way through assignments they did not understand.
I have no idea how or why we were brought together in this life, but I do know that it works. It is easy to get swept up in the day to day stuff of life and forget that where you are is the most amazing place to be, or even to remember how lucky you are. Today on Mark's birthday I remember. There will be more trials ahead for us, just like there are for everyone, but one thing is for sure. We are together and when the chips are down and there is nothing else we can count on, we will have each other. To me that is the best gift ever and it isn't even my birthday! I love you Mark, Happy Birthday!!

Day 12 Ride of Your Life

Yesterday was a meeting (code for breakfast) of one of my favorite groups, The Newsletter Mom's. We are a group of moms that were thrown together when our children were in middle school. The school asked for volunteers to help fold, stuff and mail the monthly newsletter and we all answered the call and the "Newsletter Mom's were born. Only a small portion of our group have children in the middle school now and the middle school stopped printing the newsletter over a year ago and went to an email format, yet we all still enjoy getting together. We are all different, yet we have a bond. We have cried, laughed and complained together. Our greatest function is support. We have been there for each other through many of life's highs and lows. I have no idea if this is ordinary, but to me it is extraordinary. How we all ended up together and friends is amazing to me.

Actually, the extraordinary is what makes life so amazing, the unexpected happenstances that collectively create a life. I wonder over the amazing twists and turns of my own life each day. Perhaps it is my age or maybe even just my personality that pushes me to squeeze every drop out of each and every day. I do not want to come to the end of my life knowing that I did not suit up for the game. I do not want to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else get a basket or a touchdown. If there is a chance to take I want to take it, if I can drag Mark or my girls or a friend along I will. If there is an opportunity to fill my lungs with life I want in. The sidelines are no place for me anymore. My dream board is my palette and my life the canvas. There is no reason for me to put off living the life I want to live anymore. There will always be days when I do the ordinary things like laundry and cleaning. I will also be mothering for the rest of my life, but the border and the background of my life and who I am and also who I want to be is all up to me. I will not be ruled by fear or worry.

With one swift stroke of the laptop keys I have made my life's battle cry and I encourage you to join me. Take some time to think of one thing that you have wanted to do and put off for one reason or another and make a plan to do it. I know that as much as my family and friends love me, they cannot make my dreams and aspirations come true, this is my job. I have learned that my life is up to me. Which means your life is up to you too. You can watch your ship sail or you can jump on board for the "ride of your life".

Day 11 Ride of Your Life

Day 11 Ride of Your Life

As I stood in front of the other mentors and young ladies at the A Beautiful Me workshop last night I felt the call and shared my story from middle school. I know that in the past I have shared this story in The Perfect Mom Project, but for those that have not heard it, here goes:

 When I was in 8^th grade I had to do an oral report in one of my classes. The idea was that I would do my report and the other students would critique it. There I stood in front of the class in my third middle school in two years, very uncomfortable, with my face full of acne and my body full of anxiety. Most of the kids made fun of me and it was very awkward to be standing in front of them in such a vulnerable way. I gave my report and then sat back down in my seat. The teacher collected the critiques and the idea was she would go over them and then give them to me so that I would be able to see what my peers thought of my report and what they had learned from what I had said. When the critiques were returned a few days later, in the area where they were to write my name as the speaker, over half of the students wrote things like "Zitzeeny" or "Zitzilla" and many other zit related names that were hurtful.

 This is the thing; I am 50 years old and I still carry that wound, it has never gone away. It is not an open bleeding wound like it was at first, but it is a deep scar that has healed but still aches from time to time. Because of this wound, I can sometimes still look in the mirror and see that young painful face gazing back at me. Those words have never left my head. The other issue I have struggled with is; why did that teacher give those papers to me? Why didn't she at least soften the blow or speak to the class about the hurtful things they had written? These questions will never be answered, but they have carved into me a strong desire to protect others from the hurt I felt that day, and the hurt that lingers in my soul.

 I believe that this painful event was actually a gift from God. Through that one moment in my life he gave me the gift of empathy and understanding. I am able to reach out to others that are hurting more easily. I am also able to teach my own children that today's hurt is tomorrow's lesson. To this day I believe that everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents. It has taken me most of my life to believe I am not ugly. There are days when I am feeling down that I look in the mirror and I see that ugly girl, and I do not think that will ever go away. There are also days when my heart sings and I know that God is working on me. While one event cannot define you as a person it most definitely becomes a part of you. What you do with it is what counts.

 What happened to me when I was in middle school has become part of the clay that I am today. It has molded me and framed me. I cannot go back and change any of it, but I can share it so that others do learn the lesson that words do hurt. As I talked with my own girls yesterday, I explained to them that I do not remember any of the nice things anyone said about me at that time I only remember that one moment, when I became ugly. I hope that this lesson sits on their hearts and steps forward when it is needed. That is when God's gift will open and hopefully heal someone.

The photo above is me at the age of  5

Day 10 Ride of Your Life

I spent yesterday visiting with my Aunt and calling her friends trying to pull together a little party for her 93^rd birthday next Tuesday. She kept saying yesterday "I have had plenty of birthdays; I do not need to celebrate this one". I know my Great Aunt well enough now to know that she says one thing, but thinks another. She wants attention. If something does not happen on her birthday she will be sad. Perhaps it might even be that if she does not have an expectation she will not be disappointed. Regardless, I have told her Mark and I will be coming for dinner that night, but as a surprise I have also ordered a sheet cake to share with everyone at the senior living community. I have also made plans for some of her friends to join us and enjoy her favorite Arby's sandwiches. There will also be an Arby's Jamocha shake (her favorite) on her special day. I also made an appointment for her to have her hair and nails done at the salon that they have at the senior community. I hope that it will be a good day for her. Phew, that is done!

 Tonight I will be mentoring once again at A Beautiful Me. I am enjoying my time there watching and learning their process for engaging the girls in dialogue and activities that support a healthy self image. My hope is that my own girls take away something from this workshop. While I love them and support them as best I can, my own self image has always been subpar, so I am certain that they can use all the help they can possibly get. Tonight's topic is "Words Can Hurt", and people will be sharing ways that they have been hurt by what others have said. I am in debate with myself about whether or not to share my horrible middle school story that involves my very bad acne and some very mean kids. Not a good mix and a very upsetting time of my life. This event has caused me huge self image issues for most of my life. One thing I know for sure is that words really do hurt and people will always believe the negative about themselves before they believe the positive. "Words can hurt" is a very good lesson to teach our young.

 There will not be much dream chasing today. I do think I will try to find some pictures of what I would like my patio area outside my backdoor to look like though. I have envisioned that area becoming more of a haven for relaxation, but I am not quite sure how to get that started. If I can find some ideas I like, they might just make it to my dream board. Slow and steady wins the race they say, so since I am not in a race I am guessing that slow and steady builds a fabulous dream board!

A work without progress!

Day 9 Ride of Your Life

The hard part about setting out to pursue the "me I want to be" is the time in between the pursuit and the dream. Real life steps in and reminds you that you cannot devote every moment to just you. Thus I spent my day yesterday in a cleaning frenzy. I dusted vacuumed, mopped, did laundry, changed sheets and washed the dogs. I was on a roll! It felt good to get some things done around my house. Perhaps not having a car made the choice a little easier, after all I was trapped here at home.

Another dream crusher is that my girls cannot seem to get a rhythm going yet this year. All I am looking for is that they come home relax for a few minutes and then do their homework, but instead they come home relax and then relax some more, which involves inhuman amounts of TV watching and computer time. It is like watching the human version of sloths! I cannot get them on a schedule, I am tired of them still working on homework at 8:00 or 9:00PM it makes my whole afternoon and evening stressful! This issue is going to be dealt with today, because I am now dangling from the end of my rope and if I slide any farther it will not be a pretty sight!

To help solidify that this week is not going to be the ultimate dream week, I am going to see my Great Aunt Nina today. She is eager to go visit her house, so we will be discussing that today. I have to find a way to squeeze taking her there into my life. She just wants to go there and look around. I think secretly she thinks I have had a garage sale of her personal belongings. It is hard dealing with someone that does not have a realistic understanding of what they can and cannot do. She wants to be home, but she cannot care for herself, and since I am the one that tells her this, I am now and always will be the bad guy. Not a great job, but I am willing to take it if it means that she is safe. If I have learned anything from this time with my Aunt, it is that as I age I need to be realistic about my limitations and trust my family to care for me the best that they can.

Today I will put aside my dreams and face reality. I have places to go and people to see so that is what I will do. There is always a chance that today is the day my girls find their rhythm and my Aunt realizes how fortunate she is to have Mark and me around to care for her. Even just one of those things happening today would be like crossing something off my dream board. Pure joy and excitement would ensue! In the mean time, I will make it a good day, or at the very least the best day I can with what I have to work with.

Day 8 Ride of Your Life

"Is Ragen there please?" "That's me!" "Hi, I am Blah from Blah Blah bank and I am making a courtesy call because your credit card payment is overdue" My mind immediately went into panic mode. "My husband makes those payments online" I tell the happy sounding lady. "Yes, I see here you never miss a payment, that is why we were concerned" What a nice way to tell someone they missed their payment don't you think? I really do not care how nice she was I flipped out! Not only did we forget to make one payment we realized as we looked into this mess that we actually missed payments on two different accounts at the beginning of this month. Now we are scratching our heads. I know we missed it, but where did the money go? Why did we not realize we had made this mistake? Now I am just in a funk. It is also possible that I am moody because Mark has my car today, since he had to take his in for repairs.

 It was like a one two punch yesterday. Screwed up the family books and learned I would be carless. Not that I would be going anywhere now that I know I am going to have to scrape together the money to get us out of this mess. Aaaggghhh, I am so frustrated! I hate it when I screw something up. I always feel so inadequate, like I am not on my game at all. Mark and I have been working hard for almost two years to pay off all of our debt, back then we had taken a small class called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey and we have been working hard at learning to live our life financially smart. At least until the phone rang yesterday that is. Honestly, we just have to make the payments and move on, but it feels like such a blow to have made this mistake. Here I am skipping along plotting and scheming how this year will be the year of "Me" when I get this big reality check. Once again, "Life happens when you are making other plans".

 I am not going to dwell on this today mistakes happen. I am not going to dwell on this today mistakes happen! Ok, I will be honest I will probably dwell on this a little today. After I am done dwelling, I am going to do a few things around my house and then enjoy the beautiful day that is unfolding outside. This one thing is a small blip on a very big screen and I cannot let it define me. I am better then my mistake. Today, I am not even in the car let alone riding with my top down with the warm breeze in my hair. Today, I am on my bike pedaling as fast as I can to make things right.

Day 7 Ride of Your Life

Having made the executive decision not to write on Sundays' caused me a little confusion this morning. Should today be day 7 or should it be day 8? I am just going with day 7 to keep it simple!

 This new path I am on has propelled me into thinking differently. I seem to be thinking more about where I place my foot on the path. I want so much to make sure that I focus on bettering myself and discovering my dreams. I also want to see some of these dreams come to life. The last few days I have been thinking about taking Italian at a community education class. My thought was that it would give me a little more inspiration for going to Italy and it might be kind of fun too. I think I will sign up this week.

 On Saturday I went to two different parties. This is pretty unusual for me, so I was excited. The first party was at my sister's house, my sister and her husband had a Shrimp Boil. This involves a very large pot filled with Cajun seasoning, crab legs, potatoes, shrimp, Cajun sausage and sometimes, corn on the cob. The cooking takes place outside on a large burner and once everything is cooked, you dump it on a big table and everyone just grabs what they want and eats. This was a lot of fun and the food was delicious. After we went there Mark and I met up with a friend who had invited us to another friends Hoedown. We arrived in time to participate in the last square dance of the evening. It was great fun! I have to say that we touched on two different cultural experiences in one night and now I have the fever. What else is out there that I can try?

 I spent so much time filled with anxiety last year that I had a tough time planning let alone participating in anything. It feels good to throw off the shackles and step back into my life. I had mentioned to Mark the other day that I believe that sometimes when you allow yourself to shut down from life it becomes too easy to stay that way. It takes 21 days to make a habit and once you let yourself form the habit of sadness or loneliness or even depression it is tough to dig yourself out. I do not want to go back there.

 As I am writing this I have a vision of me throwing down the top on the "Ride of Your Life". So now we are not only bracing for what might come next on the journey, we are feeling the warm sunny air flowing through our hair. Ahhh…doesn't it feel good?

Just a little faux sunshine to inspire you today!

Executive Decision

I have decided that this year I am going to take Sunday's off from blog writing! Join me tomorrow morning for Day 7...

Day 6 Ride of Your Life

For many years I have put a lot of things first, travel mainly. Anytime a chance came up to take a trip somewhere we would go. Our family has been many places and I know that in the future the travel will continue. The problem is that things that I truly need for my house get shoved aside for travel. I do know that there are worse problems to have and no one would ever feel sorry for me because I travel. However this has prompted me to put one more item on my dream board…wait for it…TA DA!

 I have added new kitchen cabinets to my dream board. I want so badly to have cabinets that look pretty, fresh and new. I have a tiny little galley style kitchen in my home. It is small but mighty. I never have been bothered by the size of it, other than the cabinets. There is a lot of unused space because of some of the cabinet placement and my counter top looks like something they should put in a time capsule as an example of 1970's kitchens. I have always tossed my cabinet dream aside when the chance for a vacation came up, but no more! It is time to live the dream!

 Actually, this week I also learned that the group I am volunteering with right now, A Beautiful Me, is thinking of expanding into working with women as well as girls. When the founder spoke with me on Thursday night and shared her passion for carrying her vision to woman, I was so excited. Working with woman and empowering them has always been a dream of mine. It was at that point I decided to put "Empowering Women" on my dream board. I am not sure what shape this will take or when it might actually happen, but the opportunity will be there when the time is right.

 My "ride of your life" is starting out as more of a head on collision of life. There has not been much time to even buckle up. I really think that putting your thoughts and dreams out there is a great way to remind yourself that what you want and need in your life has value. It is too easy to throw yourself aside for the wants and needs of your family, but by doing this, what are we teaching them, especially our daughters. I believe that with a little practice we can learn to put ourselves in the mix and teach our families that everyone's dreams and needs are important. Mom is not riding in the back seat anymore folks, she is buckled up and ready to ride!

Day 5 Ride of Your Life

John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you are making other plans." I know this is true, because in the middle of me planning for my alone day today, everything hit the fan and now I sit here wondering how to scrape together some alone time. I was going to let my girls take my car to school today which would have left me stranded at home. I was actually very excited at that prospect, think about it "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't run to the store, I have no car today." Or "I would have done that, but I did not have a car". I would have been blissfully alone left to cleaning a little and watching an old movie and writing. It was not meant to be. Life happened instead.

 There was a total female teen melt down here at 6:00 AM and I proclaimed that "Angry people are not allowed to drive my car!" Mark ended up driving the girls to school since they had to be there early for a Student Council meeting. Mark jokingly commented; "Why am I being punished?" Really, are you sure you want to go there? Now my personal day of self reflection and relaxation has become a time of cleaning and grocery list making, I think the punishment is being evenly distributed. Just when I was getting all excited about finding me and what my journey to find myself will look like, my children stomp into my dream "Not so fast Mom, if that's your real name!" "We are not through with you yet!"

 So, perhaps I have to take my plans for the day and revamp them a little. I know that I am so entrenched in this Mom gig that it is hard to break off a slice for myself. I am far too willing to throw aside my plans to make things work better for my kids and now I am starting to resent it and there is no one to blame but myself. Perhaps the best thing I could do today is act like the car is not here and move forward with my day like I wanted to. I want some time to add a couple things to my dream board (yes, I actually have a couple things I will share tomorrow) and crazy as it sounds, I want to clean my bathroom and wash towels. After that I want to park my unshowered buttocks on the couch and watch an old movie. Grunge day at its best! I really do not care if there is nothing to eat in the house; no one cooperates by putting any food needs or wants on the list that is magnetically attached to the refrigerator. I am usually trying to perform some sort of mental telepathy game at the store to figure out what my family will eat or not eat anyway, and that was not on today's agenda.

 Life is happening today, not the way that I planned, but the way it is meant to be. I am good with that, I also know the saying "If you have lemons make lemonade", or how about "Roll with the punches" or how about this new one I learned today …"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" Today I am not going to be an option, today I am my own priority and I like the way that feels!

Day 4 Ride of Your Life

Every day of my life is a new lesson. Some days they are lessons that I have had before, yesterday was one of those days. As I made my way half way across my state to meet my sisters for lunch I thought long and hard about what direction I want my life to go. I must have some sort of mental block about this topic, because my mind mainly wandered. I found myself thinking "OK, dreams…hhhhmmmn…I need a new blanket for my bed…hmn…I need to get involved in something…hhmmnn…wow, tomorrow is going to be busy too" Not exactly the most enlightening two hours of my life, that is for sure.

After arriving at the restaurant and settling in, we started chatting and the subject of my new blog came up. I was explaining to my sisters my feelings that I have given up myself to raise my kids and I want to find me or reinvent myself and I am using this year to work on doing that. I have always considered both of my sisters' successful women. One started her own computer company and works hard every day to balance work and raise a family. My other sister reacted when I commented on the fact that I had not been to college (I know, I am suppose to move on, but it was part of my explanation about the blog…honest!). She felt the same feelings that I had since she had never gone to college either. I told her I was shocked that she felt that way, since I know she is a certified Financial Planner and works alongside her husband who has worked in the Stock industry for many years. I have always thought of her as having it all together, so when she related to what I was saying; it threw me for a loop!

Here I was looking at her thinking she has it all together…confidence, with an interesting job and a beautiful home and family, and she feels less then? Oh boy, this year may be tougher then I thought! I also need to stop assuming that everyone but me has it all together. There is something about woman that makes most of us put aside who we are so that we can help everyone but ourselves make it through with confidence and self esteem. My biggest curiosity now is; what happens to my daughters? If I am filling them with what I have, where does all of that confidence building and self esteem go when they become adult woman? Does all of that just dribble out as they get older? Or, do us as women just end up on this hamster wheel of perpetual self denial that ultimately claims our self esteem and confidence.

My greatest accomplishment would be to discover the cure for this horrible affliction that is claiming the lives of woman everywhere, but the cure must start at home! I must move out of the "why" is this happening phase and realize that I am not alone. That the hamster wheel is full of women just like me in search of more and wanting to make a difference in this world and they just do not know how to start or maybe they just do not have enough energy left to make it happen. I have my work cut out for me. I relearned yesterday that even what looks like success from the outside, can be distress on the inside. This is not a path I walk alone and honestly, I am grateful I was reminded of that.

Day 3 Ride of Your Life

Remember how I told you yesterday that I would have another item for my dream board today? Well, it did not happen. I got so caught up in my laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking of dinner that the whole idea fell right out of my head. As a matter of fact, that is what has happened to most of my dreams; they have fallen out of my head. I think that this whole process of finding me is going to require some intense concentration. I apparently will let just about anything take priority over my dreams. Perhaps "making time for me" should be an item on my dream board, because right now it is more dream then reality.

 Last night, my husband Mark said "I read your blog today, I really think you need to stop beating yourself up about the whole college thing." I guess I do pound on myself about my lack of a college education a lot. I have had people tell me it is never too late to go back to school, but those are people that either A. have been to college or B. know what they want to pursue. I am neither of those. My first order of business is to take Mark's advice and let it go. That ship has sailed, I have no interest in going to school now, so to constantly bring up college as a downfall makes it seem like I am longing to go, which I am not. The other issue is that to go to college would require me actually knowing what I want to do, which obviously I do not.

 The main thing now is making my way towards something that fulfills me as much or more then mothering. I have poured so much of myself into helping my kids learn how to fly that I have left nothing for me. I am always full of great ideas for my kids, but when it comes to me the fight school is closed. This is not going to be as easy as I had hoped. In addition to finding me, I am responsible for my 92 year old Aunt and I am in the middle of a giant mess of estate issue's since both my parents died within a year of each other. My Dad marrying a couple of months before his death has turned a simple process into a nightmare that is lining the pockets of at least three attorneys'. I find myself some days wandering around in my head looking for a quiet place where there are no worries or frustrations.

 Today I will meet two of my sisters for lunch. One of my sisters has three boxes of my Mom's belongings for me. These are in addition to 17 boxes I sorted through a couple of months ago. Maybe somewhere in the boxes will be a trigger to spur a little dreaming for myself. I am not prepared to go back to the sadness I felt as I went through those other boxes a few months ago. I have to say that looking through all of my Mom's life in boxes, did get me thinking about what legacy I will leave for my own children. I really do not want everything I am to be jammed into a few boxes years from now. I want my life to be big and bold and touchable. I want to leave this world knowing that I brought something to the table. But what? Lunch is a two hour drive away and a two hour drive back home, so as I head out to spend time with my sisters today, I hope to do some more self reflection. I will take Mark's advice though, there is no use beating a dead horse. I have to learn to work with what I've got. Who knows, maybe I have more going for me then I think? One thing is for sure, I should have plenty of time to dream today!

Day 2 Ride of Your Life

Yesterday, I mentioned my dream board, my poor measly looking dream board I should add. This obviously is going to take some time to pull together, since I am taking it very seriously and do not want to slap any old thing on there.

Here is what is on it so far:

Magazine scraps that say:         Authentic Italian (I would like to go to Italy one day)

Curacao (some place sunny and warm)

A pair of legs running, to which I added 10k

Fear of nothing

Trip to the spa

Live Life

I added in marker:            Writer

It is not much, but it is a start. I am compelled to keep searching for more items to add to my dream board, I want to fill it up. The hard part is I am not a dreamer. I am a practical, no nonsense gal. I have always faced life with a dogged head down, get her done mentality. There was no room in my life for dreaming, I had kids to raise and a house to run. Anything I dreamed of was for my kids or about my kids and now here I am looking at this empty dream board wondering if there is any hope for me.

I know I have accomplished things in the past. To some people they were significant things, but I always felt like an imposter. I was always waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say "Excuse me Mam…how did you get in here?" I would just love a slice of the self confidence pie, a big slice with extra whipping cream please. I would also like to know that a woman with no college education can still feel like her life is useful. I want to be more than I think I can be, without realizing I am doing it. Sort of like when I run up hill, when I get to the top I am shocked and happy at my success. Today will not be that day. Today, I have laundry to do and a cat's litter box to clean. I also think my family would like me to make a nice dinner since this will be the only family meal we can squeeze in this week.

I am planning on finding at least one thing to add to my board today, I will keep you posted on what I come up with. I know I had you buckle up for this ride, but we are starting out slow, so be patient. My plan is to actually start accomplishing some of these dream board items but I have to learn how to dream first. This will not be easy, but what in life is?

Day 1 Ride of Your Life

Todays photo...my Dream Board

Separation of Self and Motherhood

Today, I draw the line in the sand. It is time to stop mothering my children as much and start caring for myself more. I am really not sure what that will be like, or how it is even done, but I plan to figure it out. Perhaps by including you in my journey, I will be pushed into doing things that normally I might not do. Do not get me wrong, I am not washing my hands of mothering completely I am just stepping back a little. Both of my younger girls are in high school now and while they need me for rides, money and food, they are more independent and more interested in the life they are building, which is the way it is supposed to be. This is where my problem lies…without the hands on full out mothering that I do, what am I? How do I separate myself from what has been a full time job for the last 20 years and go part-time? Now what do I do?

Last week the girls and I signed up for a workshop through a wonderful group called A Beautiful Me. This is a non-profit group that works with young girls in our area to help them build self esteem and self confidence. While my girls are older than many of the girls attending, I thought it would be a great opportunity for them to learn to love who they are. I came to this conclusion when I realized that I did not like myself very much, so I would not be the best person to help them with this. At the very first meeting, they had everyone work on dream boards. This is where you find pictures of things you aspire to be or do and place them on your board so that you can focus on making the dreams come true. The hard part for me came when I realized that I do not have a lot of aspirations. I have spent so much of these last 27 years mothering my children and trying to be what they need, that I have let my wants and needs go. While this is typical mothering behavior and I should be happy, I found myself feeling disappointed.

So with that my new blog was born. It is time to separate myself from just mothering and step into my life. I need to stop making excuses and try a slice of life and for the next year I am planning to bring you along for the ride. So put on your seat belt and prepare for the ride of your life!