Day 365 The Perfect Mom Project

Mark making Gumbo with our favorite wooden utensil...

 "Let the Good Times Roll"

365 days ago I decided to try to sort out my life. My plan was to come to terms with my Mom and how I was raised and also spend some time looking at how I mother and how I can be better at mothering. But as the saying goes, life is what happens when you are making other plans. Boy, did life happen! This last year was a wild ride and even with the tough times mixed in, I still would not have changed a thing. Here is a short recap of what I think I learned in the last 365 days.

• I know now that I can get through anything that life throws at me. I have the ability to face down sadness and pain and move on
• My Mom did the best she could as a Mother; she worked with what she had
• My Mom loved me
• Even the most painful moments have a lesson for you
• I love my life
• I love my husband
• I love my kids
• I love my sisters
• I love my girlfriends
• Being a perfect Mom is impossible
• Being a good Mom depends on the day
• I can set a goal and complete it
• I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to
• I love writing
• Make the most of each and every day!
• Trust your gut!
• No one can hurt you unless you let them
• Forgive… not for the other person, but for you, living with hatred and anger towards someone eats you up inside and makes you an unhappy person, it's not worth it

I know that I will miss writing each day, because it has been such a big part of my life. I believe now that after a short break I will write again. I am not sure what I will write about, or even how often, but I know that I need to write and want to write. Being able to cast out into the world each day my deepest feelings has truly been a gift to myself; instead of holding them inside and letting them eat away at me, I set the feelings free. I have also had very kind and surprising responses to the things I have written. Once when I was out to eat with my family I had someone compliment me on my blog. This was unexpected and made me realize the power that writing can have.

 Mainly, the truth is that I am not a better mom then when I started this project. I am working each day to be the best that I can be, but I will never be perfect. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. If each of us works hard each day to do the very best we can at anything, I believe that that alone brings us closer to perfection. If no effort is made how could perfection be possible? I am happy that I made the choice to strive for perfection even though it eluded me. Just trying for perfection opened my eyes to so many other possibilities.
There will always be 365 days ahead of me. There will also be good times and hard times too. My biggest take away from this last year is this. I am the best Mom I can be at this moment and I always have the opportunity to be better. I will not stop striving to be the best Mom, but I have also learned this year that I have to take care of me in order to be any good to my family. With this new 365 days set in front of me I must use a phrase that our family adopted from New Orleans, Laissez les bon temps Rouler…Let the good times roll!!

Please plan on rejoining me for the next topic starting September 13, 2010

Day 364 The Perfect Mom Project

With just a few hours left to fully embrace perfect mothering, you would think I would pull out all the stops. Sort of like when you are in a race and the people are at the finish line yelling "Come ON, YOU CAN DO IT!" "Give this last little bit your ALL!" The thing is that I always function with all my stops open. I am a fly by the seat of my pants; give it your all kind of gal. That is not to say that I don't like to plan or that I do not always want to have everything play out just as planned, because I do. There is just a quirky part of me that loves surprises and the spur of the moment decisions. So yesterday was a testament to, "the me I choose to be".

 Aly was having a hard day. She was defiant and angry and virtually a spinning top of emotion. No matter what Mark and I said to her she would snarp back at us. It was blatantly disrespectful and hurtful, which we told her several times. As the day wore on our patience wore thin and both Mark and I were feeling battle weary and just a bit hysterical. We started laughing at inappropriate moments during our parenting, because the whole day seemed so ridiculous. I was personally at the point of contacting a counselor for my daughter because her anger was so intense and I felt she might need a third party to sort it out.

 Fast forward to late in the afternoon when we asked our girls to get ready for church. Aly came out and said "Tell me what you think of my outfit". Honestly, anytime a female in our home makes this comment (including me) it is equal to hearing "Put your hands up or I'll shoot!" You don't want to tell them what you think, but you do not feel like you have a choice. So, very carefully I told her that perhaps the belt that she had cinched around her just above her waist was not necessary. I even went so far as to explain that she looked very pretty without it… "You will look more natural and comfortable looking". Her reply was "Well I like the belt, I think I look stupid without the belt!" and then she decided out loud, "Forget it; I am just going to wear my sweats!" She then ran and changed into her sweats.

 This is where the planner me went a little buggy, because I did not really want to walk into church with sweat pants girl. I wanted her to look lovely and happy. Mark and I started by asking her to change to which she replied that she was "not going to church" and this deteriorated quickly into a full out tug of war between the parents and the child. It was not a pretty moment for any parent let alone one that was working so hard at being perfect.
Once Aly had changed and climbed in the car sobbing, we were off to church. Not the moment you hope for when heading out to worship. Once again Mark and I were like two hyenas, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation on the one hand and still trying to figure out what to do to get this kid back on the right track without to much damage to her or us.

 When we arrived at church Aly had the angry looking arms folded teenager look going for her and we just let it be…I felt like saying "Keep walking please, there is nothing to see here folks!" I just did not want anyone to know that our teenager was in teenitudes mode and not the doting daughter of the perfect mom today. I mean really I do have a reputation to drag along with me, don't I? Once we settled in our seats and the lights dimmed we realized that this was the annual day of baptism at our church. It was a touching array of people that had decided to accept Christ and proclaim their love and faith in God. Even the angriest of teens was struggling to keep it together.

 In years past our family has talked of being baptized at this event, but shied away for many reasons. We have all been baptized in the past and it seemed unnecessary to take that step again, but something was different yesterday, as I looked down the row at my girls I had a sense that they were both feeling the need to join the others and be baptized. I got Aly's attention and said "You want to go?" When she nodded at me, I said I will go with you if you want and she nodded again. At that point I grabbed Aly's hand and suddenly Mark was grabbing Avery's hand and we were walking towards the baptismal font. Dressed in our clothes completely unprepared we each accepted Christ into our lives. Aly and I chose to be baptized together and Mark and Avery then went together. We were sopping wet and completely happy. Aly hugged me and said "I love you Mom!"

 All I know is that at that moment as we watched others "take the plunge" I could feel that this was a moment we needed as a family. It was like a stamp on our commitment as a family to love, honor and respect each other and grow in our faith. It is like when you are married and the pastor says "What God has joined together let no man put us under". We had flown by the seat of our pants and made a choice to be a family that rides the waves. I knew then that regardless of whether or not I ever see a moment of perfection in my parenting, I love my kids and that is the very best you can ask for when you are making your way through this maze called parenting. That's me coming in towards the finish line, arms pumping in the arm, full steam ahead!

Day 363 The Perfect Mom Project

As both of my youngest daughters spoke to me at different points during the day yesterday, I began to feel trapped in teenitudes world. Each one for different reasons yesterday spoke to me like I was stupid. Aly requested that I help her sort out her closet and be part of the jury on whether or not she keep or release certain clothing items. I flatly refused the job causing Aly to become angry with me and tell me that she could not do it alone, (and my favorite line of all) "You do it for Avery, all the time!" When I rolled my eyes at this last comment, she had the nerve to say to me, "Don't roll your eyes at me!" to which I replied, "I will roll my eyes or anything else I want, you best watch your mouth" I then added "Your world is still under my control, remember, you use my car to get around these days". Not pretty, but what about parenting is? Eventually she settled down, since I had declared to myself that the day was a drama free day and I did not linger for any fall out.

 Next came my youngest daughters turn at bat. She was scheduled for a haircut and I asked her if she wanted me there or not. She replied "I don't know". "What do you mean you don't know Avery? Either you do or you don't!" I said. She then fell into this whiny explanation about how I stress her out before and after hair appointments, because I am either encouraging her to do something stylish with her hair on the way there, or complaining on the way home about how I just spent $40.00 for her hair to look exactly the same as it did when we entered the salon. Apparently she does not find these comments motivating and she is afraid to tell me not to come, because it might make me angry. We went back and forth about this until I decided that I felt bad enough about my parenting style. I decided that I was going along just to prove to her that I could be a "good Mom" and behave at the salon. Sadly, the salon was closed when we arrived due to a power outage from a big storm the night before, so I never got a chance to redeem myself. That will come later since the appointment was rescheduled for tomorrow morning.

 Here I was a little over 48 hours away from the end of my Perfect Mom Project and I was still nowhere near the finish line. After the two instances of teenitudes I busied myself with tasks around the house. Trying hard not to rile the teens any more then I already had. I was feeling like maybe I had dropped the ball with these two and I was raising a couple of ungrateful, mouthy ladies. As the afternoon moved forward we fell into a better rhythm and I found myself suggesting that the girls invite some friends over for a spur of the moment bonfire. Suddenly, Mom was not such a bad gal after all.

 There is one lesson I have learned over the last year, that a Mom is always just one step away from either success or failure. I wish that I had been able to tell the poor mother in North Carolina that, before she chose to take her two small sons lives. Her boys were one and two years old, and after being berated by her mother endlessly for her parenting skills she chose to kill her boys. She suffocated them and then put them in their car seats and let her car roll into the river. I do not know what type of mother she was, or why her own mother was so critical, but something in her snapped and she gave up. She lost faith in herself and she started to believe the negative. Sadly, instead of reaching out for help, she felt helpless and made the wrong choice.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/08/18/south.carolina.children.deaths/index.html

Each day there is a chance to start over and get it right, so if I was not on my game yesterday, I know that I have another chance today. I plan to keep at this mothering thing until I get it right. Maybe I am not perfect, or even good at mothering, but my heart is in it and that to me is what is important. I only wish that someone had shared that with this worn out, frustrated and sad Momma before she made such a devastating choice.

Day 362 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday as I listened to one of my favorite radio stations (The Oprah channel on XM) there was a discussion about cleaning out closets and cupboards in your home. The people talking on the Dr. Oz Show were discussing how the weight of clutter can literally weigh you down emotionally. They were recommending that people clean out their closets and clean up their lives. While this sounds simple and easy, I can attest to the fact that it is not. First you have your family that is leaving, tossing, and forgetting clutter everywhere. Second, I tend to heap and pile things on the shelves and floors of my closets, since we have limited storage space in our home. While I hate clutter, sometimes it is just easier then fighting with everyone and everything, As much as I would like to be clutter free, my family keeps dragging me back.

I am a clutter hater. It drives me nuts when my family leaves things lying around, and do not get me started on all the papers everywhere once school starts. Just walking into my girls rooms when they are a mess puts me in a tail spin, so I found myself nodding and agreeing with pretty much everything that was said on the radio. What struck me the most as I listened to the discussion was that it is not always physical clutter that can stress me out, it is emotional clutter too. I seem to deal best with all of the matters in my life fitting into a nice neat category, when that does not happen, that can add to my stress. Over the last year and a half I have been challenged by all the emotional clutter that has reared its ugly head. During the radio interview and discussion yesterday, I found myself visualizing combing through my brain and tossing things out. I was pretty much organizing and tidying up my brain.

It is time to let some of the emotional baggage that I have packed away go. Like any cleaning and sorting process though, I am still picking up each item and turning it around and deciding if I still need it or not. Some items I am keeping for sentimental reasons, and some items I am just not ready to part with yet. I am not going to move quickly as I work my way through my brain, because I might make a mistake and pitch something I will regret losing later. Already, I have released the anger I had towards my Dad for the things he did before and after my Mom died. While the anger is gone, it is still hard to completely forgive him; I know that will come in time. Let's see, what else is in here… Oh here is a random memory of my Mom that I think I will keep, and a small memory of regret that I need to get rid of. This will be a slow process, but I look forward to it. I am ready to be clutter free.

I know that there will be more heaps and piles thrown at me in the years ahead, so I must make room for them. Regardless if it is physical clutter or emotional clutter I believe a good cleaning never hurts. I do not need an expert to tell me that, I figured it out a long time ago. The trick is getting my family on board, that will be the hard part!

Day 361 The Perfect Mom Project

This mornings sky reflects my feeling today...patchy clouds.

When the alarm went off at 4:40 AM this morning, I was less then enthused, but I have made a commitment to myself to run the local 5K race two weeks from today, so I have to be ready. Running will get me ready, so at 5:00 AM this morning, that's what Mark and I did. It is possible that I ran a little farther than I have run in the past, but I never know until Mark figures it out for me, regardless of the distance, I ran and that's what counts.

 I have spent my life pushing through the hard stuff, I know no other way. I have never allowed myself much self pity. Honestly, most people do not care about your hard stuff, because they are dealing with their own, so after a few rough patches in my life where there was not too much sympathy or support around, I could tell that the best way to deal with a problem was to walk through it. No one else can get you on the other side, that is your job. That is not to say that I do not talk about my hard stuff with others, I just know when it gets down to the nitty gritty, my work begins. No one is standing there but me. My problem = my solution.

 So my problem is that I am fighting this mysterious bout of depression and anger. I know that there are one or two things hanging out there that might have caused this, but it does not matter what matters is getting out of it…or running through it. I am striking out at my kids and my husband because they are close and easy to get to. The annoyances that are common in my relationship with my family are amplified and instead of dealing with them in a compassionate way, I am direct and to the point with no interest in softening the blow. There must be a way to go through this and come out of it without to much shrapnel impaled on my family. That is the hard stuff that I have right now, depression, anger and trying not to take my family down with me. Not an easy task for this less than perfect Mom.

 So for now, I am on the run. Making my way through the expectations of others and the disappointments I have with my family and trying hard not to go completely under. I am going to be fine, I have been here before and the territory all looks familiar. The difference is that this time I am not going to sink below sea level; I am going to stay right here and keep running until I am out of this. Just being an ordinary Mom with no higher expectations is all I can muster right now. If "Good Enough Mother" was not already someone else's registered trademark I would be more than willing to make it my own, because right now perfection is NO where in sight!

Day 360 The Perfect Mom Project

Just a little slice of Heaven we captured...

As I look out from my perch today the skies are grey and cloudy. The weather is reflecting some of what I have been feeling. I took some of my own past advice yesterday and spent some time with some girlfriends. It was a good choice. It was hard to get myself ready and out the door, but I am glad I did. I was probably not the best company, but being out and moving around in the world made me feel a little better. This roller coaster ride that is my life is just in the crook of the lower tracks and is preparing to climb up again, so hold on!

 Letters have just gone out amongst the attorneys and preparations are in the works for working with my Dad's widow to finalize this tragedy. It will still take time, but at least we are moving forward. Eventually, my Mom's estate will split between my 3 sisters and I. That is what my parents agreed to years ago, and that is what my sister Theresa and I intend to honor. My Dad as you recall has dissolved his portion of the trust my Mom and he built together and left ½ of everything to his widow. Now we are paying an attorney to referee this mess. Honestly I do not care if nothing is left when this is all over, as long as my Mom wishes are honored. This money has split our family for too long, and it is time to move on. No good can come from the lust and worship of money.

 Three weeks from yesterday my girls go back to school. They will both be in high school together. I am looking forward to them sharing these years, which I consider the most exciting years of education. I have wonderful memories of my years in high school and I remember watching Ashleigh grow into a wonderful young woman during her years there. I can already see the transformation beginning in Aly and I look forward to seeing the same in Avery. High school is not an easy time, but there are a lot of fun activities mixed into the academics, dances, football and basketball games, plays, choir concerts, and much more, add to this that Aly is now 16 and allowed to date and has a job. We are in for some good times and some busy times in the months to come.

 There is no time for Mom to be down or depressed or even out of sorts. There is too much out there that needs my full attention and time. I am going to have to pull out all the stops to stay on my game right now. Included in the mix of course is Aunt Nina, whom I will visit with today. I am planning on wearing my invisible protective gear, so that I can walk out of the visit the same way I walk in. I will not allow her to make me feel badly or even ask me personal questions so that she can share the information with her friends as gossip. I will visit her, make sure she is healthy and happy (whatever that looks like for her) and head home to my kids. Just because it is grey outside today, does not mean I have to be. If you will excuse me, I have a roller coaster to ride and since I am in a crazy mood, I think I will ride with my hands up today…WOOO HOOOO!

Day 359 The Perfect Mom Project

I am not doing well today. I feel crabby and I just want to be alone. This started yesterday and it became worse as the day went on. This morning I am at the "I just want to be alone" point. The hard part is this is not a "be alone" kind of day. I have things to do here at home, Avery will be coming home from her camping trip and I am suppose to go out with friends later tonight, this is a real bad time to have an attitude.

I am not sure what set it off. Maybe it was my 16 year old with an attitude yesterday, or maybe it is just me. I also know I have to see my Aunt Nina tomorrow which could be part of it, but I doubt it, it is a weekly occurrence and I just get it over with and move on each week. Somewhere along the line yesterday I snapped and I am now fighting off this feeling of wanting to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. Honestly, this is less like crabby and more like depressed, but about what?

Mark thinks that I am upset, because my project is coming to an end. I am sad that this project is ending, but I do not think it would drive me into a depression. I am ready to move out of this project and work on another one. I am racking my brain trying to think of ideas for myself. I cannot imagine being depressed by a new opportunity whatever it might be. I also do not think it has anything to do with my middle child's teenattitude; I am pretty use to these breakout sessions by now.

I am just feeling down. It is not the first time something like this has reared its ugly head for me. The truth is I have battled depression on and off my whole life. I know that depression also ran in my family, my Granddaddy had it; my Mom had it, and who knows who else fought it. It comes out of nowhere, sometimes at the worst times and you are not prepared to fight back. You comb your brain looking for all the positives in your life so that you can use them as a life raft. You scramble looking for ways to bring yourself out of it, but that can backfire and make you feel worse. You find yourself jealous of the happy people, just as you would be if you were single and everyone around you was not. It is a desperately lonely ailment with no real cure.

I have tried prescription medicines, but did not like the floating outside myself feelings they brought, or the side effects. I did find a great herbal supplement that works, but I happen to be out of it right now, so maybe I will be going out for that today. There is little I can do except wait it out and hope that this bout of depression is short lived. I am glad that instead of pretending I am crabby or tired, I can just put my cards on the table and say "I'm depressed". It's not pretty but it's the truth and if I recall correctly, the truth is suppose to set you free. So, I will step into my day with the truth in front of me and make my way as best I can until I get out of this…

Day 358 The Perfect Mom Project

One week from today this project will be over. I will be accountable to explain how far I've come in my parenting over the last year. Will I make the grade, or will I fall short, that is the question that is burning right now. Avery has been gone since Thursday, so I have been pouring all of my energy into mothering Aly, my middle daughter.

On Friday night we had a hard discussion about Aly wanting to quit the AP English class that she took for this coming year. The class included homework that will be due when school starts. Aly was required to read three novels; Crime and Punishment, The Kite Runner and The Color Purple. After reading each novel she is required to write three questions for each chapter and do an analysis of the characters. Pretty in depth and not what you would list in your book of summer fun. Crime and Punishment alone is a novel that was originally written in Russian in 1866 (by Fyodor Dostoyevsky) and translated into many languages including English. Sounds like a fun summer read doesn't it?

As we had our heated discussion about quitting, I tried to explain to Aly that quitting is the easy way out. While quitting sounds like the practical way to handle something hard, it is also the quickest way to feel like a failure. It is one thing to say it is too hard for me and I cannot do it, it is totally another to just quit because it is hard work. I have always believed that life teaches you the same lesson over and over until you get it. I tell my girls this all the time, I feel it is better to walk through the hard stuff the first time and get it over with then to get half way through and quit. Now you are stuck reliving this moment again and again until you get it. NO THANKS; just do it and be done! I also tried to explain to Aly that with all the people she knows that are taking this class, she must have a few that feel the way she is feeling and maybe they could all work together and help each other. She did not like that idea; she said "Nobody does that Mom!" At that point all I could say was, "That's too bad that none of you would work together and make this easier on yourselves".

Later that evening Aly went to a bonfire with some friends and ended up talking to another friend that is going through the same thing with the AP English class. After talking to her, I think Aly started to feel less alone. I think hearing someone else was struggling too, helped her feel like she was "normal". "This is a tough class and someone else was having a hard time too, gee maybe I am not so bad after all" That's all it took to convince her to keep plugging away and make this work. I would like to think my speech about not giving up when the going gets tough did the trick, but I do think that there is some truth to "It takes a village", somehow knowing that you are not alone, makes being in the middle of the hard stuff a little easier.

That is how I have felt the last year, writing out my heart every single day is not easy it has been very hard some days, but the kind words that I have received from time to time and even the random messages wondering why my blog has not been posted yet, have made the hard work of writing everyday easier. Just knowing that there are people out there pulling for me and even counting on me has made this process that much easier. So if I am handing out advice today, it would be, step into the hard stuff and walk through it. You will come out on the other side happy with yourself for making it through, and proud of yourself for hanging in there.

Day 357 The Perfect Mom Project

I have had enough! I have a bully and I need to stick up for myself. I hear I'm ugly and fat, a bad mom, I do not grocery shop enough, I do not clean my house enough, I should spend more time with my kids. I also hear that I am not a good friend, that I interrupt people when they talk and that if I was a good friend I would ________ (fill in the blank with any number of complaints). Add to the list that I forget stuff sometimes too. I am feeling beaten down and sad.

The worst part is that I am my own bully. I sometimes beat myself up so badly that I do not even want to be around other people. I feel like everyone knows all these things about me, and they just do not tell me. I question why people want to be my friend and sometimes I feel like my old friends do not want to tell me they are over me, because they are too kind and thoughtful, another personal downfall I think I have, I am not that kind or thoughtful. Yesterday, I made myself cry. I had done a small load of laundry and when I opened the dryer to put the load in there, there were already clothes in the dryer. The part that upset me…I had completely forgotten that I had laundry in there. I wondered where the clothes had gone, but it never occurred to me that I would have washed and dried them. That's when I got mad at myself and said some really mean things to myself about being "stupid" and "forgetful" which these days makes me upset and alarmed.

Honestly, I know I am not a heavy person; my shape has changed as I have aged, but I am not heavy. I just FEEL heavy. As far as looks, I have told my girlfriends that I consider myself a handsome woman. I am not pretty, but I am not downright ugly either. If I lived on the prairie, I would be a Schoolmarm. I would probably have married a farmer late in life. See what I mean, I cannot even write something nice, I just cannot give myself a break. My house is clean, just not as clean as I use to have it and I really am just not that interested in grocery shopping these days. None of my family wants to write anything on the grocery list to even give me a hint of what sounds good to them, so I troll up and down the store aisles trying to get out of my rut and make cooking fun again. As for being a friend, all I can say is this is it; it's all I've got. I try hard, but sometimes I just fall way short of the friendship finish line.

Before I do anything for anyone else though, I need to do some work on me. I need to find my way back to the person I was a couple of years ago before my life imploded and people started dying. I want Ragen back. I miss her confidence and her drive. I miss her energy. I want to look in the mirror and instead of saying, "That's as good as it is going to get!" I will say "Yeah, looking good!" So today the gauntlet is thrown down and the work begins. I am taking on my bully. It will be a tough fight, but I am up for it. It is easy to fight when you believe in the cause. I cannot say that I am 100% on board yet, but I am getting there it is time…my time.

Day 356 The Perfect Mom Project

In 1978 I was preparing to graduate from the drug program my Mom had sent me to. Just to refresh your memory, I was not a drug user at the time I was admitted, but my Mom was told (by the program) that my behavior exhibited all the signs of someone who had the potential for drug use…whatever! Anyway, I had been in the program since April 24, 1974 and I was thrilled to finally be graduating. In order to graduate, you had to write out a five year plan. You were to write out in detail how your next 5 years would play out. This was a difficult task for me I was a senior in high school, and I was still having a tough time deciding what to wear every day, so trying plan out the next 60 months of my life was no easy feat.

 Needless to say nothing that I set out in my plan ever actually happened. Sadly, I never went to college, which was one of the biggies in my plan. Life grabbed ahold of me and I just never had the money or support to get my dream of college off the ground. That being said, I still believe that everything happens for a reason, and I ended up married with a beautiful baby daughter that I adored. I was also faced with a failing marriage to an alcoholic husband who was the most believable liar I have ever known and I was devastated. I did not know how my life would unfold and where to turn; I was very freightened of where I would go and how this would all end for Ashleigh and me. As I sat talking with my Mom about my concerns, she said "In five years, none of this will matter".

 As I look back now, I see that her words rang true. I also see that the five year rule became my life. Each time something difficult rose up before me, I would remind myself that I had a mere five years until this too would fade. I have even quoted her sage words to my children from time to time. The other day as I contemplated the last year and a half of my life and all the zigs and zags it has taken, I realized that I have a mere three and a half years left (of the saga that has unfolded in my family) for this to be on my radar screen. My hope is that the memories of the hurt of the last 18 months will fade more quickly than that, already I am more relaxed and less stressed about everything that transpired, but I still find myself trying to understand why they happened, and why my Dad obviously hated me so much. I am looking forward to the time when I can think of this time as a life lesson and nod and smile about it.

 In five years, my youngest will be in her first year of college and my middle daughter will be in her third year. My oldest daughter will be continuing to amaze me with her gifts and talents. As for me, I will be enjoying my life with the love of my life, Mark, and waiting to see as always what the next five years will hold. I am so grateful that my Mom shared those wise words with me when she did. At the time I had no idea how profound they were. I just knew that 60 months was a long time, and that you sometimes set out on a journey and the path does not lead to the place you planned on. God's GPS is not set on our direction, it is set to his and that makes everyday a new adventure.

Day 355 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is a common look I get from my lovely girls...

Aly got the call yesterday and she heard the words all teenagers (actually everybody) are thrilled to hear…you're hired! She was thrilled. Forget that, I was thrilled! I was starting to get very tired of handing over an endless supply of cash to someone that does not understand where money really comes from. It will be good to see her go off to work and get a feel for what makes America tick. She will hopefully start to understand that when Mom pulls a dollar out of her wallet and closes it, another dollar does not grow back in its place.

 This will be an interesting experience for all of us. She will only be working at this local orchard for about two months or so. It will be hard work, and she will also be going to school soon. This will take planning, but I think we can do it. I once interviewed two women that I knew that were very busy. One of the things that they had in common was the fact that the busier they were, the more they both accomplished. I am hoping that Aly will be able to handle it all. I encouraged her to try for this job, because I thought that she could work for the next few weeks and save up the money so that she would have something to draw on throughout the year. I am hoping my plan works. It would be nice to keep my wallet in my purse a little more often.

 

My youngest Avery is off camping with some friends, she will not be back until Tuesday. I have had a text or two from her, and she did call and talk with Mark last night about 11:00 PM, but I was outside trying to get a glimpse of the shooting stars and northern lights that were suppose to light up the sky. I missed her call then, and I missed it this morning. Now I am starting to feel guilty. I just want to hear her voice and know that she is OK. I know and trust the family she is with, but I still want to hear her voice for myself and check in with her.

 Tomorrow night Aly is spending the night at a friend's house, and tonight Aly is going to a bonfire at another friend's house. Mark and I will be alone. I have asked that he take me out to dinner tomorrow night and I am looking forward to being with Mark and not looking at my watch and worrying about getting home to the girls. We are getting more and more of those random alone times. I think it is good training for us. With Ashleigh as part of our family from the beginning of our life together, we have never just been us. When we do get time alone together it is very precious and when the time comes for our nest to be empty, I know we will be ready for some time together. That is assuming that Aly and Avery will continue through college and come out gainfully employed of course. Aly getting a job is a good sign and I believe that puts her on the right track, now we just have to work on Avery. She is still a little young to work, but I think I might talk it up just the same. I do not want her getting the idea that Mom and Dad are the only gravy train in town. With some hard work and effort she too can be a functioning member of our home and society! I am on a roll...a Mom with a mission, and it feels good!

Day 354 The Perfect Mom Project

My sister Kelie and I had a conversation about parenting yesterday. We were talking about my Mom and how self centered she had been as a parent. When my Mom and Dad married Kelie was only eleven years old, so she also had to deal with my Mom's inadequate parenting. What struck me in this conversation was that Kelie shared how once she had her sons, she felt like the world stopped noticing her and only noticed her boys. She said she felt like once she had them she would walk into a room and the boys were the focus not her and it was a real eye opener. I give my sister a lot of credit. She is not bitter or hurt by this, she stated it as a fact and she moved on. She did not shove her boys aside for her own pursuits; she made her life fit their lives, which is what good moms do.

We both realize that my Mom was not able to do this. She had a hard enough time taking care of herself, so there was no way she could have done more that what she did for us. The part of this that makes me happy is that somehow Kelie and I figured out that we wanted something better for our kids and we made it happen. We also both feel that at some point as adults, you have to stop blaming someone else for whom you are and except the responsibility to stay the same or change you. Kelie told me yesterday, "Suddenly my life wasn't about me anymore, it was about my boys" At which point, I said "That's why you have girlfriends, they are your escape!" I tried to explain to her that having women friends that you talk to and hang out with and share life's load with helps keep you a better mom. Being a Mom is an amazing gift, there has never been a time that I have thought that I would not want this job, that being said, there have been times when I would have leaped out of the car and made a run for it, because I was just overloaded with the childrearing, fighting siblings, sassy mouths and over scheduled days! That is when a good conversation with a girlfriend or two can make all the difference. You are suddenly free, just having a conversation with your gal pals, laughing at yourself and life and just hanging out. This is one time when you walk in the room that your friends look around the kids, to just see you.

As a Mom you give up a little slice of yourself, but you gain an enormous amount of love. It is absolutely worth it. Every late night up when they are sick, every tantrum I diffuse or as in today's instance, stopping my blogging to drop my youngest off so she can go camping with friends, is worth being a little less me and a little more of a Mom. Between the love you gain and the girlfriend network you build, you will find that your life is full and rich beyond measure. I think I am a better person because of the amazing women that stand behind me and support me. The nice part is that I am lucky enough to be able to do the same for them when they need it.

I would be remiss if I did not also add that my sister is a brilliant woman who owns her own business and works hard. She pours time and energy into her sons and her company and has a little left over for her husband too. When I suggest to her that she should spend time with her girlfriends, I am sure she is wondering when she could pull that off. All I can say that it is important to your well being to make time just for you. It is also great when you can model good self care for your kids. I think we moms are worth it, and I want my kids to know I am worth it. I did not learn this from my mom, but that's OK, because I am responsible for me now. So today I fit my kids into my life and love every minute of it, because I know if I need back up I have a whole network of women who would be there for me. I also know if Kelie needs me, I am here waiting, ready, willing and able to look directly at her and only her.

Day 353 The Perfect Mom Project

As I have mentioned before, I am a firm believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. So I was not the least bit surprised (OK maybe a little part of me) when I stumbled across a radio interview yesterday with the "Good Enough Mother" not only was her insight fabulous, but she is a registered trademark with her own website!

WHAT IS GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER?

"Combing the aisles at Target in search of the best deal on Cheerios, it hit Rene Syler like the stench of a dirty diaper on a hot summer's day. Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible! Suddenly empowered, she figuratively donned her cape, scooped up another taco kit for dinner and Good Enough Mother was born.

Then and there, Rene decided she wanted to pull back the curtain and expose the myths about modern motherhood; it's terribly rewarding and ridiculously stressful, exhilarating and exhausting, fun and frustrating. She now spends her time running www.goodenoughmother.com, a leading community for moms who understand the challenges of kids who think they know everything but won't eat anything, neighbors for whom failure is not an option and mothers-in-law who just KNOW you're doing it wrong.";

I feel the need to quote her second sentence; "Not only is perfection overrated its utterly impossible!" Impossible? Really? Wow, now what am I going to do? Seriously, I found her words inspiring, since I pretty much fly by the seat of my pants with my mothering anyway, this gives me permission to keep it up! Is it possible that perfection is in the eye of the beholder? Maybe those Mom's that seem to have it all together, are really just trying to figure it out like the rest of us. Their baking the elaborate cupcakes for birthday treats and coming to all their kids activities totally prepared is all just an act to hide their insecurities. It is also possible that they are trying to keep up with the image of the perfect mother that is perpetuated by movies, TV, and even some of their friends.

For me I am feeling like I can take my pursuit of perfection down a notch or two. I would never abandon the idea totally, but maybe just release some of the expectation I place on myself. All right, I will admit it, I am not sure I even have the perfection expectation any more. It has been a rough year and the idea that I can just be "good enough" is appealing, especially since I think I have "good enough" down to an art form. However, this "Good Enough Mother" has me thinking that maybe I should pursue some things for myself. Perhaps something that keeps me writing. I am just not sure…What do you think?

Day 352 The Perfect Mom Project

My legs and feet are enjoying a little rest time; I have them propped up between Roxanne and Louis, resting them after my run with Mark this morning. I am feeling good about our run today, I know I went farther than I have in a while, but I am not sure of the distance yet. Mark usually figures it out and emails me later in the day. Regardless of the distance, it was a good feeling to get out and run. I am determined to stay fit and healthy. I am finding myself more and more worried about the possibility of Alzheimer's disease and I am hoping that caring for my body will be a step in the right direction.

 My Mom was a professional ballet dancer. She danced until she gave birth to me at 23 years old and then she danced for about a year after that. She then taught dance on and off for several years. At some point, she gave up dance all together and really never did much that was remotely physical. My mom was also not a big reader and she did not have many friends or even much of a social life. Her life became more about her sewing. My Mom stitched a lot of clothing and machine embroidery pieces. She had a talent for sewing, but it was a lonely hobby. I think Mom liked that she could cocoon into her sewing room and not have to deal with the outside world.

 I always wonder if her isolation and lack of physical exercise contributed to her Alzheimer's disease. I know that she obsessed about getting Alzheimer's because my Granddaddy became ill with the disease late in his life and Mom was worried that she would one day have it too. Now I find myself in the same position, wondering and worrying about whether or not I will meet the same fate. My life does not parallel hers at all, so I keep trying to convince myself that I will be fine, but every so often, when I forget a word or cannot seem to pull something up from my brain that I know is in there, I have doubts. Now I find myself trying to beat a disease that may or may not be hiding in the shadows waiting for me. It is kind of scary. I also do not like the fact that I cannot seem to release this worry from my mind. I had a friend suggest recently that I look into the possibility of genetic testing to see if Alzheimer's is even in my genes and the thought of actually knowing almost seemed worse than just wondering. Do I really want to know that I have Alzheimer's? So instead, I run and walk and read and socialize and hope for the best. This is one illness that for the time being is unstoppable and no amount of worry will control it either. For now all I can do is just live my life. Running is just my way of feeling like I am fighting back a little bit. It is worth every sore foot and calf to now that at least emotionally I am fighting this even if physically I do not end up winning.

 As I ran this morning I imagined myself pushing back the Alzheimer's and it propelled me farther than I have run before. The running feels like my personal battle cry. Each step forward pushes back my worry and helps me feel empowered. I do not run far and I do not run fast, I just run. One foot goes down and another up with the hope in my heart that I can remain whole for my husband and my children. I pray that I will see grandchildren marry and great grandbabies born and that I can enjoy the fruits of my years of mothering. To me that would be more perfect then just being a perfect mom, that would be a perfect life and that is worth running for.

Day 351 The Perfect Mom Project

Wow, Day 351! I am defiantly on the downhill side of this project. My gut is telling me that I have some evaluating to do in the next few days. I need to start looking back at my year and reviewing where I have been and if I have made any maternal progress. This will not happen today though. Today, I am off to see Aunt Nina and I am "making" the girls come along. I know that they do not have a fabulous time when we go to see her, but I really think it is important that they spend time with her even if it is just for a few minutes.

I am not feeling very reflective or thoughtful today. I am hoping to visit with Aunt Nina and then head home to get a few things done around my house. It is starting to alarm me that summer is coming to an end. We have put off doing so many things around our house this year because it has been so hot and humid. The conditions for some of our projects just have not been right. Finally on Saturday we were able to get the garage cleaned out and hopefully sometime this week our shed, but now there is a sense of urgency about the projects, similar to the urgency I am feeling about this Perfect Mom Project. Will I get it all figured out before time runs out? Can I have a clean shed and be a perfect Mom too?

I guess I will have to just put my mind to this and see where I end up. I sometimes work better under pressure, so we shall see how this all goes. Mean while, I have to eat my breakfast and get laundry in the dryer, feed the dogs and take them out, wake Avery up and get her moving then shower and get dressed to leave. It is just another lazy day at my house. I suppose if I was not so busy being "lazy" I could get more done. Just another day of working towards perfection, wish me luck!

Day 350 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night Mark and I were at a get together with some good friends of ours. We have been friends with all of these people for at least ten years, maybe longer. We have all traveled together, laughed together, cried together and watched our children grow up together. Two of the couples have children that are all out of high school and are in various stages of college. One other couple along with Mark and I have children still in high school. Because my friend and I have girls of similar ages, we tend to compare child rearing war stories. Last night was no exception.

One nice thing about hearing someone else's story is that you realize that you are not alone. You are not the only Mom dealing with teenitudes or dirty rooms. Somehow knowing that there is another Mom down in the trenches with you helps you feel normal. After discussions with various friends about where they are at with their own children, I have come to realize that although some of our parenting styles may be different, all parents deal with the same basic issues. The other thing that I am certain of is that each mom wonders what she could have or should have done differently, when it came to raising her children. As mothers we are determined to take full responsibility for all of our children's failures and successes. Most moms tend to believe that they are the reason that their children do any variety of good and bad things. I know for me personally, I blame myself for my middle daughter's extreme temper pendulum. I was working a very high stress job when I was pregnant with her and I am certain that I fed her those high emotions in the womb.

The other side of this debate that I have with myself is the fact that despite what I consider very poor mothering on my Mom's part, I can still be a fairly high functioning mom and adult. I spoke with a friend last week that shared that her mother lacked the gift of mothering, and it seems to have spurred my friend to love her children even more and it has also made her even more determined to be the best mom she can be. I am certain now that we all have a shot at being either a good or bad mom solely based on what we want and not necessarily on what we learned from our own mom's. I am also certain that no matter how hard we try, we will make mistakes with our kids.

The other side of that coin is that sometimes we get it right too. The hard part is that most days, no one is watching and so if you do get it right there is no one around to cheer you on and tell you how great you are. I am not sure about you, but when someone tells me I am doing a good job, I want to do an even better job. That being said, reality is Mom's do not hear the band and cheer team when they make a touchdown with their kids; they just have to smile inside and know they are on the right track. Perhaps, that is why sharing child rearing war stories is so valuable. Just knowing there is someone else out there that understands what you are going through and maybe even going through the same thing as you are with your kids, is just as good a feeling as a touchdown. You get the feeling you are not alone and sometimes a well timed "You can do it, hang in there" is all it takes to get you back up and ready to face your kids for another day.

GOOOOOOOOOOOO MOM!!!

Day 349 The Perfect Mom Project

On this 349^th day of my pursuit of mothering perfection, I have started to think that I might have a better shot at perfecting my golf swing (which is terrible) or perhaps even perfecting my driving (I'm not too bad, but I tend to daydream). In my attempt at a mother/daughter moment yesterday, I decided to talk with my girls about the swearing issue while driving to meet Mark at an appointment. The plan was that Aly would then drop me off and head back home, so I thought that perhaps the car ride was a good time to take advantage of a captive audience.


Sounds like a good idea, but my captives did not agree. I assure you I was calm and spoke in a low vocal tone. For some reason although I was doing my best to try to keep the issue of swearing an enlightening moment, my middle daughter asked me "Why are you yelling at us?" All I could think when she said this, was YELLING? YOU HAVE NOT HEARD YELLING YET!!! However, I kept my cool and continued to belabor the point of swearing not being an attractive feminine quality. I also pointed out that there are times when you swear and it just happens (I should know!), but by continuing the habit, you run the risk of a swear word popping out at the worst possible time. Honestly, I am positive that they both were riding along singing La la la la la in their heads and ignoring my every word, so much for my effort at mothering perfection yesterday.

 The upside of our outing was that Aly drove herself and Avery the 17 miles back home in rush hour traffic without a problem. I have to say she was very calm about the prospect of dropping me off and returning home. Then she asked if she could drive both of them the 15 or so miles to our church today since Mark and I will be visiting with some friends and will not be able to go. That's when I think to myself that I might not get it right with everything when it comes to mothering, but my middle daughter has the confidence to drive places on her own, and she wants to go to church even though Mom and Dad are not going. I must be doing something correctly; at least that is what I told myself as I was patting myself on the back.

Day 348 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is on a playground in Mexico...a good day!

So, intermixed with the loving sister moments that my children have comes along the not so loving day. It started with what I thought was a great plan; the girls were getting up early and going for a bike ride to an area apple orchard that sells donuts. Their plan was to get a yummy donut to eat, and then ride back home. I thought it was a great idea, until Aly decided to "encourage" Avery with words like "Come on, what is taking you so long?" "Why are you wearing that?" "You have an old water bottle on your bike you should throw it out". By the time they finally headed out, I feared I would receive a call that one of them had been pushed into traffic, but I just smiled a stupid grin and waved good-bye. By the time they got back home they were laughing and talking and had decided to head down to our pool to swim together.

 Our pool is nothing big; it is only 15'foot around and about 3 1/2' feet deep. It was great when the kids were younger, but now it is more for them to jump in and cool off. Again, I was happy that they were getting along and spending time together. I went to my happy place in my head where I fantasized about what a good Mom I was and how lucky I was that my kids got along so well. Then reality hit! Only moments after they headed out in stumped Avery announcing that Aly had swore at her. Trust me it was a big time swear word too, but I just stared at Avery, thinking "Oh no you don't!" "You are not going to drag me into this, in five minutes you two will be best buds, and I will still be steaming about all of this!" Avery stormed off yelling something over her shoulder about how I do not care about what Aly does to her. Seriously, where do they come up with this stuff?

 A while later when Aly was brave enough to come into the house, I gave her the look as she walked towards me. My look was a combination of "Do we really have to have this conversation and I am not any happier about this then you are!" I ended up saying "You know what I am going to say don't you?" Aly nodded her head and then replied "You know Mom Avery swears at me and I do not come tattling to you!" Somehow I guess she thought this made her look like the better daughter, but instead, in my head I was wondering what kind of hooligans I was raising!


I am going to have a short conversation today about the use of swear words. I know that the girls are trying to spread their grown up wings and somehow they must think that cussing is part of the territory, but if they start that behavior now, by the time they are officially grown up, they will sound like a couple of truck drivers. I wanted to wait to talk about this with them until the heat of the moment had worn off and neither one would feel like I was picking on anyone in particular. That is the plan, how it actually plays out is another story all together. Remember yesterday, when they were heading out and I was wearing that stupid grin? I was probably in denial, which is where I might end up today too. Is that how you get to be a perfect mom? You just keeping swinging until you head one out of the park? I wonder…

Day 347 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning I ran. I ran with Mark at 5AM and it felt good. I am determined to run in the local 5K race in a few weeks and I want to be ready. There is something about setting a goal and achieving it that gives me such a good feeling. Actually, writing this blog has done that for me too. Almost a year ago I set out to write about being a mom and about morning my mom and in just 18 days I will have succeeded in writing for 365 days. Actually 364 if you count Mark writing for me on my birthday. I have heard it said it takes 21 days to make a habit, so for me writing is now more than just a habit, it is a way of life. That is how exercise is for me as well, I have been walking with my girlfriends for almost 12 years and running on and off with Mark for 8 years. Exercising helps me feel like I am in charge of my body, and it is a good feeling.

 There is a little piece of me that is worrying lately about Alzheimer's disease. My Mom battled this heart wrenching illness for 6 years before she died, and I find myself worrying that if I do not care for myself and keep my mind and body active, I will face the same fate. For me writing this blog has been a way to chronicle some of my past for my children, and it has also been a way to keep my mind active. I worry a lot lately about my future memory. I know how frightening it is to watch someone go through the loss of memory and I cannot imagine actually living through it. No matter what, I know that ultimately this is in God's hands and I must live the life he has prepared for me. I have been living my life that way for a long time, and it has been a great life so far, so I guess I need to just put my trust in Him and live the life He has set before me. The last few months have taught me that you have to appreciate every moment and live each day with enthusiasm.

 In the mix of my life still hangs the business of my Mom and Dad's estate and somehow the running and the writing helps keep me from becoming completely immersed in all of that mess. It feels good to be able to pour out my heart and mind each day and then to run and walk out my frustrations too. With my goals set, I can relax knowing that I can succeed when I set my mind to it. This is a good lesson for me, and a great example to my kids, which is what this whole being a mom thing is all about anyway. So as I step back and take a look at the bigger picture, I realize that it all comes back to my job as a mom. I may not be anywhere near perfect yet, but no one will ever be able to say I did not try.

Day 346 The Perfect Mom Project

When I was a young girl, my mom and I did not do very much traveling. I remember a trip to Florida when I was about seven. My Mom must not have been aware of sunscreen, (or perhaps it just was not as available back then) since I was burnt so badly that I had huge water filled blisters on my shoulders. To this day I can still remember the pain from that burn. Other than that trip, I know we (My Mom's boyfriend at the time drove) drove out to Colorado to visit my Aunt Ellie and my cousins. I even remember the big up roar, because gas prices had soared to $.75 a gallon. That memory alone makes me laugh now as we travel and get excited at $2.75 a gallon for gas. I know that my Grandparents took me to visit my Great Grandma in Washington DC when I was around 5 or 6, and there is a possibility we did that more than once. I remember asking my Grandma on the plane once "Where is our car, do they put it on the plane?" I remember her telling me they did, and being very concerned when we got to Washington DC and we had the wrong car. I felt like all the adults were not realizing that someone had taken their car and I was very upset.

 The remainder of my travel was through the program I was in at the age of 14 starting in New York in April of 1974 until sometime in 1980. I lived in New York for a year and then in Salt Lake City, Utah the remainder of the time. I hold tight to those memories, because it was my rebirth. That time away from my Mom helped me become the person I am today. It was my metamorphosis.

 When Ashleigh was little, we did local traveling, to visit friends in our state and that type of thing. Once when she was about 5, we flew to visit a friend in Chicago and then my dear friend drove us home. As a single Mom, I had spent a lot of money just for Ashleigh to have the experience of flying on a plane and I was excited we could do that. We really did not do too much big traveling until I married Mark, and that is when we started camping and doing a lot of driving trips, including the many trips to New Orleans once my parents moved there in September of 1994. We are a very fortunate family that we are able to go so many places and see so many things. I am very happy to give these experiences to my children, I know these are memories that they will have for a life time.

 I want so much to help my children be well rounded people and appreciate what they have, but honestly I know from my own experience that they will not even understand a small portion of their good fortune until they are out in the world on their own. I know that as I talk to Ashleigh now she has an appreciation for her younger life, and she sometimes becomes annoyed that her sisters do not understand how lucky they are, since their lives are so much different than even Ashleigh's was. I guess this lesson is mine to own and theirs to discover themselves, that life will hand you opportunity, it is when you take it and what you do with it that is up to you. Perhaps someday they will be talking with a friend or writing a blog and realize that sometimes even the smallest moments can make a big impact.

Day 345 The Perfect Mom Project

Homeward bound! After a short beach walk, some coffee and a large breakfast we are headed home. We enjoyed our short get away which included some swimming, laughing and as always some bickering, and that was just Mark and me. The girls were good traveling companions and I think the trip was a success. I did decide that I am definitely not a t0urist area traveler. I like going on the unbeaten path where rest and relaxation are the main part of the agenda. Even with the over abundance of people, I was still able to enjoy myself.

Midway home; we will meet up with Ashleigh and pickup Roxanne and Louis. Both dogs are pretty good travelers, so the remainder of the trip should go fairly well. I know I mentioned before that Louis will be with us for a while. He is a good dog, and I am glad that Ashleigh and I are able to help each other out with our dogs when it is necessary. Mark has tomorrow off, so it will be nice to spend a little more time with him, and you just never know what we might cook up to do. I am certain the girls will have plans moments after we arrive home. All in all it was a great few days, but we are all tired and ready to be home. I love traveling, but there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. Ahhhh, just thinking about that is making me drowsy; I think I might have to take a car nap. That sounds real good right now, see you tomorrow.

Day 344 The Perfect Mom Project

The view from our room...

As I sit looking out at the beach this morning I am watching the drizzling rain dampen our getaway plans. We are holding out hope that the weather radar we watched will hold true and we will see some partial sun by early afternoon. In the mean time Mom needs to come up with a plan to keep the kids feeling like they are still on vacation. No easy task, it's not like I can hand them a coloring book and crayons, these are young women who were planning to lie on the beach all day. I will have to be clever with this one.

 Mark and I had planned to check out a couple of local wineries in the area, and now we are thinking perhaps we will drag the girls along just to see the scenery. While that would not be my first choice for my teenage daughters, it is one of the few options we have. I really do not want to poke around a mall I can do that at home. The upside to this roll of the weather dice is that we are able to look at other options besides sitting and staring out our hotel room patio door at the rain. My entire family has just stepped out to grab some breakfast, and I am going to seize this chance to shower and get myself ready for whatever the day has in store.

Day 343 The Perfect Mom Project

We just left Ashleigh and Scott's house. We are heading farther north towards some more sun and fun. We had a great time with Ashleigh and Scott playing golf and playing a variety of games with the girls. It really felt good to laugh and spend time as a family. Ashleigh and Scott will be leaving soon for an out of state job and there is a chance it will be a good two months before we see them again, so our time together was precious. Our dog Roxanne is spending the next few days with them and then on our way home we will stop and pick her up and also pick up my Granddog Louis. We will keep Louis for them while they are out of town.

 It feels good to not have all the recent frustrations with my Mom's estate hanging on my mind. I know that there is much more that is coming up with that, but this little mini vacation is a nice break for all of us. Once we reach our destination today our plan is to just take it easy. I know that shutting down my brain is not easy for me, but I am going to try. Mark really needs the break and I want him to have it. Right now I am going to just shut down my computer and my mind, sit back and enjoy the ride. What a beautiful day!