Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 342 The Perfect Mom Project

How do you explain to your crabby sixteen year old that using the word hate to describe everything she does not like makes her no fun to be around. She hates, her sister (until she is lonely), she hates corn on the cob, she hates me (when I ask her to do things she does not want to), and that is just the first tier of hated things. I have decided that it is time for an intervention. Nothing too big or scary, just a discussion that includes some guidelines if I hear the word hate again!

Last night Mark had to remind her that he was on vacation and that he had four days ahead of him and he wanted to enjoy himself. He also mentioned (more like yelled it) to her that she has had the whole summer to enjoy herself, so she best adjust her attitude and not wreck the only four days he has. I was glad he handled the issue; I am tired of always being the bad guy. At this point my middle child's teenitude is going to cause her a lot of problems. Mainly because I hold the keys (literally) to her kingdom now, if you want to take the car, you best have the kind of attitude that makes me want to hand you my keys. Oh and by the way, stop making excuses for your teenitudes, because I am at the point of not caring, no excuse will make me less aggravated.

Now I must set this all aside and do my best to make today a good day for all of us. Ashleigh and I are heading out to meet Mark and Scott for their second round of golf. This will help me be calmer when I get home. I will smack the golf ball to get rid of my aggravation.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 341 The Perfect Mom Project


My delayed blog today is caused by our somewhat spur of the moment decision to take a short family trip. We have all been feeling the need to do something and after some intense deliberation Mark and I decided that after visiting with Scott and Ashleigh to golf tomorrow, we will head even farther north and relax on a beach for a couple of days. We just want to get away, take some time off from the usual and spend some time with our kids. This meant that we spent the morning pulling together our plans and our suitcases, so that we could hit the road, which in turn caused me to miss my usual blog deadline. As I write today we are traveling toward Ashleigh's house. We are looking forward to more time with our lovely daughter and our son-in-law Scott.

 
After we leave Ashleigh's ,we are taking the younger girls, to a beautiful area in our state that they have never seen before and they are looking forward it, although they are looking forward to the part that includes the beach more. We will have just a couple of days of some down time before we start the quick slide into the school year. This morning as we worked on our budget for the trip, we also discussed needed items for the coming school year, and they include two graphing calculators, two yearbooks, and two packages of school pictures. There is also a need for two new backpacks since the girls backpacks are several years old. Let's see $200 for the calculators, $130 for the yearbooks, $60 for the school pictures and probably about $60 for two backpacks. That's $450 dollars before school even starts and we still have to shop for fall clothing! I will have to remember to mention my financial sacrifice to my girls the next time they tell me something is not fair. Maybe I can pull out one of my Mom's famous quotes "Life's not fair!" or her other favorite that still has me scratching my head "Children should be seen and not heard". Yeah, good luck with that one, I cannot imagine who thought up that children should be seen and not heard, but if that is the case then I have one of my own useless quotes, "Kids should not cost so much money!"

 
Regardless, they do cost money and so do parent's, especially when they decide they need to get the heck out of town. As we wing our way north to spend some much needed family time, we are ready for some sun, fun and golf. The golf part will be a stretch for me, but it will be a nice change of pace. We are ready to stretch every dollar and every hour into a good time too!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 340 The Perfect Mom Project

Aly has just reminded me that she and Avery have an orthodontist appointment this morning. The funny part about that is that I have been reminding them all week and this morning, I forgot. Aly reminded me about the appointment as I was giving the girls some jobs to do today. Aly was also giving me her agenda for the day and funny, but not once did she mention the tasks I wanted to accomplish. I guess I will just have to stow away my list for another day and let the girls enjoy their day. It is summer after all. So this morning we go to the orthodontist. Aly probably remembered since at our last visit they told her they were going to start removing her braces at today's visit. It has been almost three years of braces and hearing they will come off soon is very exciting for her. I would not want to miss that appointment either. Apparently the removal process takes more than one visit. Aly is hoping that by school picture day on August 25th she will free of her braces.

The hard part for me is that it is an absolutely beautiful morning, and I do not want to leave my perch and get ready. I would love to sit here and look out at the sun and the birds and feel the breeze that is rustling the leaves this morning. Instead, I will shower and get dressed and climb in my car, than I will sit in the medical smelling orthodontist office for an hour. These are the days that suck the life out of me. The normal tasks that have to be done yet bring no real feeling of accomplishment. I will make the best of it. Maybe I can drag the girls to get a new vacuum cleaner belt and some cat food after their appointment that should kick my day up a notch or two. Agh…I have stalled enough, I must prepare for the day ahead. Who knows what might unfold for me if I just get at it. Maybe even some more deck time later today. That would be wonderful. Hi ho hi ho it's off to the ortho I go!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 339 The Perfect Mom Project

At one o'clock this morning I found myself leaning out my back door and calling as quietly as possible to Avery and her friend who were "sleeping" in our tent in the back yard. "WAY, way too loud out here!" I called trying not to sound too crabby so that Avery's social status would not plummet once word got out that her Mom was no fun. I debated for a few minutes about what to do, since the tent was set up essentially right under my neighbor's bedroom window. Avery had requested that she be allowed to put her tent at the back of our yard, but I was not sure I would be able to her them if something happened. Just for the record, I could hear them fine from where they were located.

So there I was at one o'clock in the morning trying to decide who I wanted to be mad at me, my neighbors, or my daughter. I decided my daughter, even though I know this morning she will tell me that the noise is the reason she wanted to put the tent at the back of the yard. It is not easy walking this parenting tight rope. One day your doing all the right things, and the next day those same things are not right anymore. I can hear the little night owls talking as I am writing and I even saw them just roll out of the tent. Now I am wondering exactly how crabby my youngest will be today. Only time will tell.

For now I am closing up my computer and hitting the road to visit Aunt Nina. It has been a couple of weeks and I need to get in there to see her and pay some of her bills, since Mark will not be able to make it this week. I will leave my little night owl and her friend in the loving hands of her sister and high tail it to saver ground. I am certain I will receive a call later informing me of some sisterly disagreement. Going to see Aunt Nina at least gets me off the battle field for a little while. That is a good thing. Today a visit with Auntie is a blessing in disguise.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 338 The Perfect Mom Project


Yesterday actually went better than expected, which is nice for a change. Avery woke up feeling well and proceeded to clean her room. When I discussed with Aly the fact that she needed to ask me first before making plans that involved my car, she said "Oh OK Mom, sorry." I was suddenly concerned that somehow while I was sleeping I entered an alternate universe. My concern did not last long as my lovely children started hurling harsh words and sentiments at each other as they cleaned the basement.

Cleaning the basement is their chore once a week. They are suppose to trade off, one week one vacuums the entire basement, and the other dusts and sweeps and then the following week they trade. It sounds fairly simple, but each week someone forgets what they did the week before and a fight begins. Now maybe a perfect mom would write this stuff down, and assign the tasks, but this Mom kids herself every week thinking they will get it right for a change. On top of that, during the school year I do all of it all by myself. Sadly I do not have anyone to argue with about what my job is that day, because they are all mine! All I can think when these two kids start their routine is, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" As I write this it comes to mind that someone once wrote, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time. Now I am wondering if instead of becoming perfect, mothering has driven me mad!

The upside is that I have made it through one of the most emotionally difficult times of my life this last year and I am still raring to go, so I have to think that these two kids of mine could not drive me to insanity on their own. Fighting and bickering is something I have grown accustomed to, Mark has always told me that bickering is part of being a sibling. I just wish it was not so painful to watch and I also wish that when I stepped in to "help" it went much better than it does. There definitely is no alternate universe here, this is reality, but it is my reality and I am making it work the best I can. It might not be perfect, but I like it just the same.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 337 The Perfect Mom Project


Today's photo is just a random photo of my fish pond...
Carefully and swiftly, I am coming to my end of my year long task of writing about becoming the perfect mom. It is interesting to note that perfection is not as sweet of a dream as it once was. This has been one heck of a year. I never thought when I started this project last August that I would have so much life to share. It is Monday, and as this week unfolds I hope to squeeze some summer fun in. There is no telling what my girls might cook up.

Aly came to me yesterday and said "Mom, my friend Sarah and I are going to Target tomorrow" and I just stared at her "Um Aly, I have a hair appointment scheduled tomorrow" and she replied, "Oh, so what time is that?" "12:00 PM" I said. Once again she replies "Can I go after that?" Now I was getting her drift, but she was not getting mine. She wanted to take my car to go on her little shopping excursion, but she had never asked me, she just made her plans and thought she would take my car. I guess it's time for the perfect momma smack down. This morning I will need to explain that you ask the owner of the vehicle before you make your plans. Just because you have your license does not mean you own my car!

 
Avery has been under the weather for exactly a week today. She seemed somewhat better yesterday, and my hope is that when she wakes up this morning, she will be back to her old self. If not, then I will be calling our family doctor and making an appointment for her to get a blood test. Avery had told Aly yesterday that she was going to tell us that she was feeling better, just so she would not have to take the blood test, and being the great sister that she is, Aly came running to me to let me know. Actually Aly just wants her sister better too, since Avery has been cooped up here, (except for the girl's movie outing on Saturday afternoon) she is extremely cranky and gets terribly feisty very quickly. We are all hoping that this bug is over, because we want the Avery we know and love back, this new version is not suiting us at all!

 
Well, it is time to go poke the bear and see how she is feeling. I want to get her into the doctor early this morning if we have to go, because I have my hair appointment as you might recall and then of course Aly has her plans too. Being a perfect mom today will not be easy, as I weave my way throw the crabbiness and the entitlement of my children. Just for the record, it is MY car and I am real tired of the constant bickering amongst the siblings. I may just climb in my car and be gone all day! Do not try to stop me! All right, I will settle down. I feel better just getting that out of my system.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 336 The Perfect Mom Project


This morning Mark and I got up and went for a run. I am working on building my stamina so that I can run in a local 5K race in about six weeks. It feels good to have a goal and work towards it. It also feels good to be able to share this with Mark. I realize that as the girls need me less I will have more time with Mark and I am looking forward to it. Mark and I talked yesterday about possible turns our life might take in the next few years. I want more than anything to be open to the possibilities. We have spent all these years raising children and building our lives around them, and now it is time to slowly start thinking about ourselves. It is a weird feeling, I almost feel selfish.

 
Today Aly has a babysitting job and she has asked to drive herself. I am happy and sad all in one. I have this vision in my mind of reaching for Aly and her slipping away. I am running out of time to plant seeds. Realistically anything I could teach my girls they probably already know, but I suddenly feel like I am running out of time. I am in a hurry to do my last bit of parenting to perfection and also discover who I am and be something other than the lump I feel I am. This hysteria has me spinning in my mind all the time. Parent…parent…parent/be something…be somebody…be of value…hurry! This is no way to approach any of this and I know that, but let's face it, I am no spring chicken and if I want to make even the slightest dent in my kids or myself time is limited.

 
I wish I had the self confidence to just step out into whatever it is I should be, but I do not, I always limit myself. I do not think I am very smart and I really do not seem able to decide what I will do or be. I am the best at being a Mom and somehow right now it feels like enough. I love writing, but I write for me and I find it difficult to think that my writing would be good enough to be published. I am certain that I do not have a Harry Potter or Twilight novel in me so any dreams of writing success will not come from that avenue. Sadly, I must pour all of these feelings out in order to sort them out, so right now I hope you will excuse this self pity.

 
For now, I will run. I will run until I am ready for the 5K race and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get myself together. My kids still need me, my husband loves me and needs me, so I am not a total loser, but the search is on for "the me I was meant to be." Isn't it interesting that just 11 months ago my goal was to be the perfect mom and now it is evolving into how to be the perfect me? Is there a blog in that? Hmmmnn, I wonder…

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 335 The Perfect Mom Project


 

Phase one of my Mom's business is now complete. I am grateful to have that part behind me and I am ready to see where we go from here. I wish I understood why my sisters and I are even going through all of this. The whole mess is very sad, but I am determined that we will look under every nook and cranny until we have restored my Mom's estate to its original integrity. The fact that I have help from my sister and a darn good attorney, help me feel more confident. I will never understand why my Dad made the choices he made. They are hurtful and thoughtless choices and it makes no sense to me. That being said, it is time to put my confusion about his choices behind me and focus on the future.

Today the future involves my daughters going to the movies together and me not having to drive them there. On Monday when Aly got her driver's license, I did not realize how quickly my world would change. Just yesterday, I sat home while Aly drove Avery and herself to their Spanish tutoring lesson. I have a feeling I will be sitting home a lot more then I used to. Watching my girls grow up and become independent of me is not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean I have one successful launch with Ashleigh, you would think I would be delighted to continue the success with the other two, but there is this burning question inside of me that I cannot seem to answer yet, What will I do when I am not mothering my children anymore? This is the part of my future that I need to start focusing on. Which brings up another question, can I be a perfect mom if I am focusing on me and not my kids? Good questions that will take time to answer and with the way things are going, I think I will have a lot of time on my hands to answer them.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Day 334 The Perfect Mom Project

I am very restless today. Waiting and wondering on issues in Louisiana. I would like very much to hear that we have completed phase one of my Mom's business today, so that I can rest my brain and prepare for what will come next. I spent the entire day yesterday sitting near my computer waiting for papers to come that I needed to sign and airmail back, so that they would be there this morning. Finally at 5:00 PM I received the papers and went into action printing and signing about 5 different documents and then racing to the UPS Store to have them shipped out. Phew! Now I wait…

As I have said before, I need a mental break from all the worry that this has brought on. Most importantly I would like to be able to relax with my kids and do something fun. What that might be I cannot say. Our time is limited, but I am determined to come up with something. Avery is still under the weather, but she is feeling somewhat better, so I am hoping that by next week I will be able to put on my thinking cap and make a plan. In the big picture, we have had a pretty good summer so far and my kids will live if we do nothing more than hang out at home, but if possible I would like to do at least one more wow thing this summer. We just have to figure out what wow would be. Maybe my mom brain is in over drive and nothing else is required for my kids this summer. It's that whole trying to be perfect thing that sneaks up on me and makes me feel like I am not doing enough. Realistically, I know I am lying to myself, but emotionally I have doubts and if you have not noticed, my emotions drive me.

So, I sit and wait and think and drive myself crazy for one more day and hopefully by tomorrow I am able to move on with phase one of my Mom's business behind me and some plan in place that will help me feel like I am doing my part to keep this summer fun for my kids. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Then why am I still feeling so anxious?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 333 The Perfect Mom Project


I am tired. The rush, rush, hurry, hurry of the last few days of preparing and executing the perfect 16th birthday have worn me out. It is my own fault, I set the bar high during Ashleigh's 16th birthday and I did not think it was fair to lower the bar for Aly. I realize that most people consider it just another birthday and I also realize that this puts a lot of pressure on the future mates of my girls, but I just do not care. The next big deal will be Aly's 18th birthday and we will have to see then if I am still going to try to keep up with the past or if I will create new traditions. For now, I am glad that Aly's birthday was fun and that she had a good time…check, birthday success!

 
While Aly and I were gone (a lot can happen in 36 hours) Mark took Avery to the doctor and found out that she has a throat infection that has gone into her eyes. She is miserable! This is not the summer fun she was hoping for. She is restless from too much resting and tired but cannot sleep from too much resting, it is a vicious cycle. I am hoping that the medication she is on will help her feel better soon and we can get back to the usual nagging for friends to come over and sleepovers. It's just not summer without it. Avery was happy to have her mom back home. Apparently Dad's do not fawn over their sick children enough. While I know Mark did his very best to care for her, she really wanted someone to sit close by constantly asking if she needs anything and running to get it. It also helps to have someone nearby that you can tell over and over again how awful you feel. Moms are just better at that stuff.

 
In the middle of by perfecting birthday fun and fluffing pillows and dispensing medications, I am still involved in phone calls and emails trying to finish out part one of my Mom's business. It is tricky business and I am glad that we have an attorney working with us that can steer us in the right directions. Once this part is complete my sister and I will be faced with the task of facing my Dad's new wife and sorting through the details of splitting everything she has in half, not fun, but it must be done. I am doing this for my Mom, my sisters and all of our children, but mainly for my Mom who has no voice to speak up. I will be happy when part one of this business is over and we can move forward. I feel like I am only partially available to my family because I am always on edge about what will be uncovered down in Louisiana. My gut tells me there are more secrets and lies to come. The sooner this business is completed the better.
Deep breath in…now release…..ahhhhhh.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 332 The Perfect Mom Project

Looking out from my perch away from home I can see the sun, Ashleigh's lake and the blue sky, it is a beautiful day. We have had a wonderful time here at Ashleigh's home and it is time for us to head back to our reality. Since I have been gone word has come that myself and my sister have been appointed trustees and executrices of my Mom's estate. When I heard this news yesterday I felt relief, at last I can be my Mom's voice and help make my Mom's wishes come true. This will not be an easy process, there are still hurdles to jump and people to deal with that may be difficult, but in the end my sister and I will know that we honored my Mom's wishes and if that means a little discomfort then I say "Bring it!" So as we climb in the car and head back to our part of the world I feel like I am headed in the right direction. Not only heading home, but in honoring my Mom. It is going to be a good day.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day 331 The Perfect Mom Project

There was one exciting moment after another yesterday, I am beat! There was the surprise gift that Aly opened when she woke up, and the host of surprises she opened before dinner, with the most exciting moment being when she read this poem:

Pack your bag and get ready to go

The destination is not yours to know

Tonight @ 8 we hit the road

Some shopping will happen

And water sports too!

A surprise guest will join us to add more fun for you!

So here we are at the "secret" location…Ashleigh's house. It was fun surprising Aly, and making her feel special. Even as we drove here she was not quite sure until the last few minutes where we were going. Once here her and her friend Megan relaxed and chatted and finally headed to bed around midnight. Today we will all shop and have lunch and just enjoy ourselves, basically a dream day for a 16 year old girl and her mom. This habit I have of trying to make birthdays special can be a little over whelming sometimes and I know that I can overdo it from time to time, but it is worth every minute of stress when your daughter smiles at you with a giant smile and tells you how happy she is.

Tomorrow as we head back home we will head back to reality. There will be the reality of Spanish lessons and reading for her AP English class next year and all of the other cares and concerns of my now 16 year old, but for today Aly is in an alternate universe with the world poised and ready to make the day special. As a mom, I am happy to give her this day, even though I know it will not be long before she is angry with me for something and reality will sling shot back and hit me square in the face. I still will say it was worth it.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 330 The Perfect Mom Project


Todays picture is of Aly on her 3rd birthday...
Happy 16th Birthday Aly!





 16 is a big deal. This morning we will head to the Secretary of State’s office so that Aly can get her official drivers license. After that the day will unfold with lots of fun and a surprise or two. It will be a good day! Aly is at the top of the growing up slide, she is poised and ready to slide down into being a young woman working to make her goals and dreams come true. Where has the time gone?


When Aly was born she was the hungriest baby I had ever seen. I was nursing her, which meant I was pretty much topless the first month or so of her life! By the time Labor Day rolled around in September I had decided that I would bottle feed her so that I could put my top back on. She is still hungry today. She is petite, and I have no idea how she keeps the weight off with how much she eats, but she is a girl on the go so I am sure that helps. Once she gets her license today she will be even more on the go, she will be free. I remember the freedom of getting my license and hitting the road, I am excited for Aly.

There will be a special dinner (Shrimp Scampi) tonight with Mark’s parents and a good friend of Aly’s attending and then later (after frozen Tiramisu) a surprise get away. It is all hush/hush and top secret, so I will share more tomorrow. For now, I am waiting for her to wake up and follow the ribbon that is tied to her door to her first gift of this special day. I just love surprises!


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 329 The Perfect Mom Project


Yesterday as I was cleaning (doing that a lot lately because we have had company for Aly's birthday), I was trying to clean out a cleaning brush that had hair trapped in it. Call me crazy, but as I was yanking and tugging at that hair trying to release it from its bristled bondage, it reminded me of how I have felt making my way through the last few months of my life. There is no easy way to unravel a tangled mess.

The best part of all of this time has been the discoveries I have made about myself and my family. I have gained relationships with two of my sisters. I have lost respect for who my Dad was at the end, but wondered over pictures of him laughing and being with my Mom. I have enjoyed visits with my Aunt Nina and I have hated visits with her too. I have watched each of my children move forward through milestones in their lives and not even look back, the past is the past when you are young. All in all I have lived.

I am beginning to realize that no road is easy, that each person travels a road that is personal and pendulous. We each wonder over "what if's" and wishes. The old saying that you should never judge someone until you have walked in their shoes comes to mind. For me, I think I should not assume that my life these last few months is any more frustrating or upsetting then anyone else's. Perhaps instead of unraveling what is before me, I should just live through it feeling the feelings and living it. Perhaps I should be looking at this time of my life as a learning process instead of a bristled bondage. There are no guarantees that I will be here tomorrow, next week , or even next year, so maybe my best course of action is to just step into this time of my life and become part of the bristle brush instead of the tangle. Yeah…I like that idea.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 328 The Perfect Mom Project



Todays photo is a shot of Avery and me from behind...please note the legs.
Since I was younger, (in my very early teens and on) I have had a habit of standing on one leg, similar in some ways to a Pink Flamingo. I perch my left foot just above my knee on my right leg, and that is how I stand. I would stand like this to do the dishes, or as I was doing something that required me to be near a counter for long periods of time. As I would apply my makeup in the mornings, I would stand on my left leg and rest my right leg on the counter in front of me. I have never really thought about it, it is just a habit I have had. As I was going about the house cleaning and picking up the other day I came across Avery standing in the kitchen on one leg doing the dishes. It was like looking back in time and seeing me as a young girl. "Avery, when did you start doing that?" I asked her. "What?" Avery said looking at me like she was afraid I was mad at her. "Standing on one leg?" "Oh…I don't know I just stand like this, why?" At that point I started to laugh, because I realized that Avery was more like me then I had ever realized, it is actually scary how much of my habits she has.

 
Time to be honest I guess…growing up, my room was a giant pig sty! I remember going away to camp and my Mom cleaning my room while I was gone. Avery actually comes by the whole dirty room thing naturally. We have the same nose, which Avery was complaining about yesterday. All of her complaints about our nose were duly noted, since I have felt the same way about mine my whole life. We have the same quirky way of looking at things and her ravenous reading habit is very much like when I was her age. It really is sometimes like looking through the looking glass at my former self.

 
All of my children have things that remind me of Mark or me and it is always a catch twenty two. If they are good things (this being good by my standards of course), I celebrate them, but if they are not so good (again my opinion) then I panic and ponder how to change them for the better (once again my standards). As I reflect on my discovery that Avery is a leg "percher", I realize that my girls are going to be showing signs of being our children for the rest of their lives. I distinctly remember the first time I looked in the mirror and saw my Mom staring back at me, or even the times that I have spoken or done some crazy thing and realized that I was speaking or acting just like my Mom, yikes! It is just another gift that we give our kids. Sometimes it's a positive and sometimes it is a negative, but that is what makes life so much fun, watching how each of us uses those little nuances that make us part of a family.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 327 The Perfect Mom Project


Another milestone was passed yesterday afternoon, Aly passed her driving test. It was a moment when I watched as one of my children scooted a little closer to the edge of the nest. This is a big milestone, it represents freedom and responsibility and it also represents a bigger insurance bill which makes me cry. I am excited for Aly, and I am excited to watch her burst out into the world, on the other hand I keep scanning the years that have past and hoping that I have given her enough love and self confidence and the big one…common sense. Now that she will be driving without me or Mark at her side there will be times that she will have to make tough decisions. She will be making choices on her own about speed (how fast is too fast?), she will need to look left and right and decide if she should switch lanes or stay where she is, and she will have to be cautious of other people and the choices they are making on the road that might affect her. All these things are also choices she will make not only when she is driving, but throughout her life journey.

 
Monday is Aly's 16th birthday. On that day I will ride along with Aly to get her official license from the Secretary of State and then I am certain that she will drop me off at home and go for a ride on her own. Oh, just thinking about that feeling of freedom makes me smile for her, that feeling of freedom and looking out and seeing nothing but the world's door open and waiting for you to enter. It will not be long until I am pushing my little nest hugger off the edge and watching her fly. This is a good thing, but also another scoot closer to my nest being empty. That is when I will look out the world's door and see what is waiting for me, for now I am content (for the most part) with preparing my girls for life and keeping my nest together…once again hoping that that is what perfect moms do.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 326 The Perfect Mom Project

I just finished reading an intense book. It was called A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley. One of the very last sentences has had me tossing and turning and thinking all night long "Rose left me a riddle I haven't solved, of how we judge those who have hurt us when they have shown no remorse or even understanding." This sentence puts into words the feelings I have had for months. I have gone from loving and hating and back again with both my Dad and my Aunt, and even sometimes my Mom. More because I have not understood their choices or behavior along with trying to maintain a relationship based on the fact that we were/are family.

I know I have a strong determined personality, I am not known for being a quiet long suffering person and I do not usually take a lot of crap (for lack of a better word) from most people. But there are some people that for one reason or another I roll over to make the crap heaping easier. Why is that? How can I stand there and tell my girls that they have to change and they should not expect anyone else to change when I am busy lying around in crap. Why is it that I will bite my tongue and try to "be the better man" when it hurts me or affects me to the point of detriment? Am I trying to be nice? Do I think that the crap heapers will suddenly care about me when they see how hurt I am? This book rubbed open wounds I had hoped were going to heal and it has me thinking about the people that have caused the hurt.

I have never intentionally hurt someone. I have said and done some pretty stupid things that have hurt people, but I never set out with hurt on my mind looking for a way to damage someone else, and now I am faced with two glaring examples to understand and figure out. The first one is my Aunt who somewhere along the line learned that by giving and taking away physical items as well as love and respect she could control everyone around her, and if I am being honest I have to admit that my Grandmother my Aunts sister was the very same way. The second one was my Dad, Glenn who attempted to control my sisters and me with hostility, money and once again giving and taking away his love depending on whether or not we were behaving. It is an old story, my family is not unique, but regardless it still hurts.

So, the riddle is not only there for this books character to solve, it is a riddle I am working on as well. With no remorse or understanding you are left with wondering if these people ever really cared about you at all. Perhaps you were the puppet that they controlled or even worse that they wanted to hurt or even destroy for their own gain. I will never know for sure. The one thing that has become clearer is that I am very aware of me and my life and how I can be with others so that they know that hurting, controlling and narcissism is not part of who I am. I am just a bumbling idiot sometimes with no other purpose then to get out my frustrations, sometimes on people I love and care about. There is no other hidden agenda. I thank Jane Smiley for walking me through this books journey. It was truly an awakening adventure.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 325 The Perfect Mom Project


My life is full of the best laid plans. I had planned to visit my Aunt Nina yesterday, but I could not get a hold of her by phone yesterday morning, so I decided I did not want to make the forty minute drive to find out she was going on an outing or doing an activity. Mark went to see her last night to pay her bills and let her know that I would be coming by today, and that is what I did. I fastened on my big girl britches this morning and climbed in the car, stopping along the way at a local orchard to buy her some cherries to eat. When I arrived at the senior community my aunt was somewhat cold and distant, but I was not going to be deterred. I am tired of being intimidated by my aunt. I am tired of feeling like I have to "behave". Let's face it I am 50 years old, not 10.

 
I have spent most of my life worried that I am letting someone down, mostly my Mom when I was younger, then more recently my Dad and my Aunt. There is no way to make anyone else happy, that is their own choice. It seems, at least in the case of my Dad and my Aunt that a bar or standard was set and no matter what I do or did, I could never meet it successfully. I have to stop and I have to stop now. There is no chance of me ever being what my Aunt needs or wants, because that would require me to be someone that I am not. In the case of my Dad, I could not be the kind of person that agreed with him about everything he said. For both of them (my Aunt and Dad) expected me to make them the center of who I am.

 
In the last few days I have come to realize that in order to please others you must sometimes give away a piece of who you are. For some people like my husband Mark and my children I give myself away freely and with others, like my Dad, I was always putting my toe in the pool to see if it would be cold and painful first. Most times it was cold, painful and sometimes hurtful. Sadly, in the last months of his life my Dad hurt and shocked me so badly that I lost all willingness to share any of myself with him. With my Aunt it is different, I am reserved and I basically shut down when I am with her. I focus as much as I can on her and her needs and ignore her rude and thoughtless comments. She is 92, she is not going to change and I do not want her to. I would like to grow a back bone and stand tall when she is hurtful and thoughtless. That is how it works. It is just like I tell my girls pretty much all the time…you cannot change others, you can only change yourself. That means I have some work to do before I return to visit my Aunt next Friday. I will be consuming lots of calcium to build a very strong back bone. It is time that I take hold of the sails of my life and turn them towards a brighter light.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 324 The Perfect Mom Project

Today I have guilt. I have not been to see my Aunt Nina for two weeks. I saw her just before the 4th of July weekend and since then I have not been back, and I have only called once. Honestly, Mark does so much more for her then I do, going by and checking on her house, getting her mail, and also stopping by to see her and pay her bills. All I do is visit once a week and move her from one facility to the other and bank for her and handle any other details that come up. The hard part is that we have been "helping her out" for so long she is now taking it for granted. When this whole adventure started with her we were trying to help out someone in my family that had no one else to turn to. Now it feels like a giant weight, since there is a lot of expectation and not a lot of appreciation.

Mark and I did not start out helping Aunt Nina because we expected anything in return, but now it feels uncomfortable. I feel trapped and forced and it is not the pleasure it once was. When I visit she compares me to the girlfriend of her daughter Dana's ex-husband. This girlfriend as you might recall visits several days a week for several hours. I cannot offer that to my Aunt. As I have mentioned before, I live forty minutes away and when I visit she is more focused on complaining and eating then she is on visiting. I have to say in all fairness, that I am not sure how I would be at 92, but with this living example from my Aunt, I am sure that I would not choose to behave this way. She has actually told people "If she thinks she is going to keep me in this place, she has another thing coming!" she as in me, as if I have some dark evil plan against her. Interesting, since she is the one that told me to set this new living arrangement at the senior community up, which I did, and had her paperwork done and her moved in six days.

The desire to jump through hoops and keep her happy is waning and with that has started the procrastination. I am not proud of these feelings and I am constantly beating myself up for not being a better great niece to this woman. It would just be nice to feel like there is more appreciation than expectation, it would be easier to jump in the car and make my way to visit her, since the reality is that this will not happen, I have to put on my big girls pants today and climb in the car and visit my aunt, so I best get moving before I change my mind. Perhaps that will keep the guilt at bay for another week or so.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 323 The Perfect Mom Project


The other day we had a visiting pastor at our church, discussing defining moments in his life. As he spoke he encouraged us to think about the moments that have defined each of us in the church. As I have contemplated this challenge one moment stands out immediately, the day Ashleigh was born, or maybe even as far back as when I found out I was pregnant with Ashleigh. I knew I wanted to be a mom that was there for my child; I also wanted to be a mom that offered my child love and discipline both without conditions. I never wanted to discipline so harshly that my child feared me or hated me and I also knew that I wanted to supply enough love along with the discipline that my child never worried that my love would go away. Essentially I wanted to be a good mom, not perfect, but good.

This moment has defined me since then. I never have wished I was not a mom and I have never wished my kids would hurry and grow up (other than the occasional wish that they would potty train). Now as I watch my two youngest girls prepare to attend high school together, I see my next defining moment ahead, defining my life after my parenting roll changes from hands on to hands off. I am curious how this part of my life will look, and what I will make of this time ahead. From where I sit now, I see the door starting to close and I realize I must start stepping towards the window that God will open for me. At this moment I feel more nervous than excited about the time ahead. I hope and pray that as this defining moment becomes a reality I will be ready to climb through the window to get on with the next exciting part of my life. How that will look is all up to God, and I like knowing that my life's architect is always at work designing my path and defining me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 322 The Perfect Mom Project


As I sit in my sanctuary this morning, I can look out and just past the tree and before our fire pit there sits a small tent with my two daughters sleeping. Last night Mark and I built a fire and as we sat there our daughters came home from the places they had been and began to laugh and talk with us. It was a good feeling to be together as a family, enjoying the stars, the fire, some conversation and s'mores. S'more are the delicious treat that involves roasting a marshmallow, (I prefer two) and putting the roasted marshmallow in between two graham crackers with a piece of chocolate candy bar tucked inside. YUM! As we talked I suggested that since is what such a nice night, they get out the tent and sleep outside and after some conversation they decided that they would.

 
Here we all were with nothing but the light of the fire and a few attempts at light from cell phones setting up the tent. Once the tent was up the girls ran and stocked up on snacks and sleeping bags and climbed inside. As Mark and I continued to sit by the fire I could hear bits and pieces of conversation including when Avery asked Aly "Were you scared when you went up to the high school?" As I listened to them talk I knew that all of the sibling fights in the world would never hurt the love and friendship of these two sisters who are two very different, but wonderful loving people. On this beautiful and warm summer morning, my two youngest children sleep just steps away from me and I feel happy knowing that in time my three girls will be adults that love and respect each other for their differences as well as their likeness. All in all, it was a good night for a mom working as hard and as fast as she can to get this whole mom thing down. With just 43 days left in this project, I am starting to feel some pressure. It is possible though that some of the best parenting happens when you are not even trying. Now, that is definitely something to think about!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Day 321 The Perfect Mom Project


Slow and steady wins the race, that's what Aesop once said in his fable about the Tortoise and the Hare. I believe I have my own tortoise living right here in my home. I say that because although it took a ridiculously long time Avery's room is clean once again. It's the continuing saga of girl versus mom in this season of "Clean your room!"

 
I had told Avery that in order to have the sleep over she wanted so badly (with her girlfriends in a tent in our backyard) we would have to go beyond the normal cram the stuff anywhere cleaning and do some heavy duty throw out the broken down stuff you are not using cleaning. It was not easy, but I kept my mouth shut…OK, not completely shut, because that is not possible for me, but basically I would ask every so often "How ya doing Avery?" To which Avery would respond "Good". This went on for two days and finally Avery came to me yesterday afternoon and asked me if I would like to see her closet. "Absolutely, show me the way." I replied with apprehension in my voice and biting my lip. After all the hours she spent locked in her room, I worried that I would have to tell her it just was not good enough, and that was making me nervous. As I stepped into the room and turned the corner, the glare from the shining closet almost blinded me. "Avery, this is wonderful! It really looks great!" I told her.

 
In my mind I was thinking to myself that she had accomplished this without me standing over her and beating her down with my words. Not once did I suggest she throw anything out or clean out her drawers or even clean behind her bed, she made those decisions all on her own. In her very slow methodical way, Avery had cleaned her room to perfection. It was absolutely amazing. Along with her cleaning perfection came a reminder for me that my youngest is not me. She does not work like I do or even care about doing things the way I do, and if I leave her alone, she can accomplish things in her own time and in her own way. Take that "Mom", if that's your real name! It was a real A HA moment for me. It really makes sense when you think about it. They say alcoholics will not recover until they want to, and it works the same for most anything in life. You are not going to put 100% of your energy into something you do not believe in or want. Avery wanted to clean her room her way, in her own time. I let her do that and today we are both winners! Her sleepover did not work out quite as planned, she ended up at her friend's house instead of them coming here, but I ended up with the cleanest room she has ever had, all without a nagging Mom. I am really starting to get the hang of this Mom thing, today is a good day!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 320 The Perfect Mom Project


I was pumped and ready to have fun with my kids yesterday, but no one was cooperating. Avery was slogging away at her room at a snail's pace and Aly was busy working on her summer reading for her English class. All good things that I did not want to interrupt, so I decided to join in the fun and clean my front hall closet. This is the closet that Ashleigh opened when she was visiting a couple weeks ago (during the unpacking of the 18 boxes) and announced "Mom! Oh my God! This is horrible!" I am sure after seeing the giant mess in that closet; she panicked thinking that she might find more boxes stuffed downstairs someday. As I cleaned it out yesterday, I realized that it was piled full of over a year's worth of papers and junk. It was as though from the moment I got the call that my Mom was dying I just quit keeping my life together.

Honestly, that is how it has felt. At the time my Dad had called about my Mom I got the one/two punch that he was also dating someone and I pretty much just went into save mode. I was trying to do anything I could not to crack open. I had this vision of my splitting in two and all of these tiny pieces of me running out and getting away. I just had no energy for anything extra. I did my normal maintenance cleaning around the house, but I just could not bring myself to do the real up keep stuff. In the last few weeks since the unpacking of the boxes, I have found myself working on the extra up keep stuff. Pulling out things from the wall and cleaning behind them. Going after cobwebs on the ceilings and in the corners and even throwing out a few things here and there. Honestly, some of the cleaning feels quite freeing.I can tell that I am healing, but it is a slow process. As we work our way through the legal maze that has unwound around us, my sisters and I continue to be surprised and shocked at the lack of preparation and also the scope of what we think was/is deception. Part of the healing process is the knowledge that we are coming to the end of what has been a painful and long journey for all of us.

My biggest commitment is to my Mom. I am determined to see that her wishes are carried out, even though my Dad did not honor his end of the deal. I know that this is the right thing to do. So the thought comes to me that perhaps in cleaning out my closets, I am cleaning out my brain. I would still like to have some fun with my girls, but maybe today I will let things play out on their own and I will get more done around my house. Sounds like another win/win day here at the ranch!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 319 The Perfect Mom Project


As I made my way through all of the boxes of memories a couple of weeks ago, I came across a picture that I have wondered over. It is a picture of my Mom at about three years old, peeking out from behind a bush. I am intrigued by her innocence and her curiosity. She was just a sweet little girl with her whole life ahead of her. I wish I had known my Mom then, before life had taken hold. I do remember moments with Mom that were open hearted and easy going, but sadly that is not my most prevalent of memories. I find myself hoping that my girls will remember me differently. I want my girls to have memories of the fun we had together and the things we did together. I just do not have many of those with my Mom.

 
I am planning to put this photo in a little frame. I want to remember my Mom as this sweet little girl with her life ahead of her. I will set it on my dresser as a reminder that you have to grab every bit of life that you can. It is also a reminder that we all start out with the world in our hands. Life is our gift and what we do with it is all up to us. Every joy and every sorrow builds us. I am choosing to build myself into someone that my girls will enjoy reminiscing about. I pray that one day my three beautiful girls will be sitting around a table somewhere, laughing and enjoying the memories we have made together, not puzzling over a picture of me wondering who I was and why I turned out the way I did. My heart is open and the day is easy going, I think I will make some memories with my girls today.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day 318 The Perfect Mom Project

I love my kids…I really do, however they are much better to live with when they are on a schedule. This endless summer stuff is sucking the life out of my kids. Avery almost seems like she has no bones left in her body! She wakes up eats breakfast and then slumps. She is either reading, on the computer or watching TV. Aly is a little better, she is trying to exercise some and she is even working on her homework (work for an AP English class and the Spanish test out the girls are doing), but I still sense that they both need a schedule. With that in mind, I am thinking that it is time to start getting them up instead of sleeping in till 10:00 AM or 11:00 AM each and every day.

Yesterday morning I woke Avery up at 9:00 AM just to get her moving. The rest of the day until around 4:00 PM she was crabby. I cannot let that deter me; it could very well be a ploy to stop me from waking her again today or any other day for that matter. Somehow I need to pump some motivation into at least one of my kids. I think that the old saying "early to bed and early to rise, makes a man (or woman) healthy, wealthy and wise" is the answer. I know as you are reading this you are shaking your head and laughing, but I have to have a plan for reversing this slumpiness! It will be a cold harsh slap in the face for my youngest come September otherwise. Maybe I am overstepping my Perfect Mom boundaries, but I am going to give this whole giving my kid direction thing a shot. It could be I might be the one shaking my head and laughing at my success! A mom can to dream can't she?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 317 The Perfect Mom Project


Today is tune up day. Today is the day that I let my girls know that I am tired of the random items left laying around my house. Dishes, glasses shoes, clothes, beach towels and swimsuits to name just a few. Everyone has been busy taking it easy and they have lost the ability to pick up after themselves, so perhaps a couple of threats from good old mom will get them back on track. Just yesterday, I asked "whose glass is on the dining room table?" "Not mine" replied Avery. "There are two of them." I said. "Oh, maybe one of them is mine", is Avery's response. This morning I wake up to one of the glasses still on the table. Now what? Will someone claim it, or will it be the random mystery guest that visits and leaves their things lying about. Maybe you have had them visit at your house too; I think their name is It's Not Mine.

 
My goal today will be to help my children understand that I do not care who left the item or why they left it, just pick the bloody thing up and let's move on. The constant debate about who left what where and when is now on my last nerve. Perhaps I will adopt the Good-bye box. Any item found lying around and not picked up immediately upon my asking will visit my Good-bye box. I will decide when it will say hello again. It could be a day or it could be a week, who knows! A friend had suggested this to me a while back and I thought "no, I do not need to do that with my kids", well now I think I do. I cannot take the frustrating debates about who left what, whose it is, and why it was left. Of course each child swears they are the good one and that all would be well if it was not for the other child, but I am past caring and would like to move forward, so today is the day. Wish me luck!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 316 The Perfect Mom Project


We are all moving slowly…let me rephrase that, Mark and I are moving slowly. The girls are still sleeping. This is the downside of taking a few days off and having some fun, you have to regenerate yourself. Once home yesterday, we spent some time getting ourselves unpacked and settled and then we were back to the normal questions we have around here all the time. Things like "What's for dinner?" or "Has anyone fed the dog yet?" and my favorite "Why is this stuff sitting here?" Welcome home family, life is back to normal.

 
After dark, the girls went out in the backyard and used up the remaining sparklers we had. It was cute to watch my girls recapture a few moments of their childhood. They ran and spun and danced with each sparkler like they did when they were just three and five years old. Watching them made me laugh. Each of my girls will always be "my little girl". The difference is that at some point they also become your friend. Spending time with Ashleigh, these last few days reminded me again that I need to keep my eye on the prize and not get sidetracked by the teen antics. They are normal and if I just keep plugging away at this like I always have, it should all turnout fine. So, I have one child down and two to go. I know I can do this; I just have to keep reminding myself that I know what I am doing. Believing it is half way to doing to actually doing it, right?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 315 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy 4th of July!!

Oh say can you see by the dawns early light that the summer is moving along and we are trying to hold tight! We are enjoying a slow morning here at Ashleigh's before we pack up and head home. We celebrated the holiday by watching fireworks and playing with sparklers. At one point Avery was alarmed by the large sparklers that Ashleigh had purchased. When Avery was about three I had purchased these same large sparklers and she accidentally touched it while it was hot. She has been fearful of sparklers ever since. As I handed her one of these sparklers last night, she started to panic. "What do I do with it? I am afraid!" My sympathetic response was "Avery it's a sparkler, not a bomb!"

There are times as a Mom that I just do not have the sympathy or patience gift. I have the gift of telling my kids to "just get over it!" Maybe this is normal for a mom to want her kids to move on or let it go, but I am always on the defense because I wonder if I am doing this right. I will never know for sure, but I do know that the one child that I have completed has turned out wonderfully, so all I can hope for is the same success with the other two. In the big picture, you just work with what you've got, perfect or not. That's life and that is parenting, so I guess I should just take my own advice and move on!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day 314 The Perfect Mom Project

Beautiful…that is the view from my surrogate sanctuary. I am sitting on the enclosed porch at Ashleigh's. The porch faces the water and it is so calm and peaceful. It is just what an overworked brain needs right now. Watching the girls release themselves and hangout with the girlfriends they brought along is also wonderful to see. The four girls are sleeping in tents and pretending that the adults do not exist. It is a nice get away for all of us.

A couple of days ago during a conversation with the attorney that Theresa and I hired to represent my Moms estate we learned that I really was adopted by my Dad. There have been questions about that since we read my Dads will that stated that he had no adopted children. Interesting isn't it? None of us are sure why he added that when it really is not the truth. So many things are running through my mind as we go through this process that I am delighted to have a few days to disconnect and be at peace. Time and a good attorney will flush out all the truths and falsehoods in the days and weeks to come. For now we will just sit here on Ashleigh's porch and pretend that all is right with the world and just say ahhhhhhh.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Day 313 The Perfect Mom Project


I am certain that my kids are no different from any other kids, but why can they not plan ahead? I just want them packed and prepared for the trip to Ashleigh's this weekend. They say "Mom don't worry about it!" but I cannot help myself! As I walked by Avery's room last night I saw her spinning and dancing around, I had to say, "Are you packed, or are you planning to wear that swimsuit all weekend?" I was just curious; since she seemed to be very calm with not a care in the world, while I am trying to make sure all of our oars are in the water before we leave.

 
I totally get it when people say "If they do not have something they need they will learn to be prepared next time", but somehow that is just way too simple. I say that because, I have arrived at a destination before and one of my children has announced that they are missing an important component to them enjoying their trip. That is when me "not worrying about it" turns into me worrying about it, if you know what I mean. That being said I guess with both of these girls in high school the time for hand holding them through packing should be up. So maybe it is not a kid issue but a mom issue! Great another obstacle to overcome to becoming a perfect mom, will it ever end? At this point I will just keep quiet and worry about myself, it will not be easy, but that is what all the perfect moms are doing and I want in on that action!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 312 The Perfect Mom Project


What a difference a day makes! This morning I sit writing in a quiet house. Mark has today off and so he and the girls are still sleeping. I am able to sit with my coffee and my computer and spend some quiet time alone. Mark and I plan to run some errands and spend the day just being together. I am looking forward to that. I enjoy my time with Mark; he truly is the best friend I have ever had. I know I have said this before, but for the first time in my life, I have experienced true unconditional love through Mark. I consider our relationship a true gift from God. There can be no softer place for me to fall.

 
I am grateful for his love and support. He can always make me laugh, sometimes even at myself. Laughter is a key part of who we are and how we raise the girls. In the last few months some of the laughter has faded, but I am hoping to get it back again. We will have the next few days together. Some of the time we will spend with our family and some with friends, but most importantly we will be together. Mark and I talked last night about how in a few short years we will have all the time alone we want. That's when life will openly mock us and we will miss having the girls around. We had that feeling when Ashleigh left home. Each time she comes to visit or stay over it is like she steps right back into her spot within our home. Sort of like slipping on a comfortable broken in slipper, its warm and it feels just right.

 
Mark and I have never really experienced being alone. We started our married life together as parents, since Ashleigh and I were already a team. Being alone is more of a reality now then it has ever been, and as wonderful as it seemed seeing it in the distance years ago, now
it seems a little too real and not quite as appealing. Which brings me back to the question I ask often, what will I do when my girls have grown and gone? I cannot think about it right now. But someday soon I will need to make some time to think about what is next for me. In the mean time I am going to enjoy my day, laughing and talking and spending time with my best friend, Mark.