Day 130 The Perfect Mom Project

As my family sleeps this morning, I am trying to plan my day out. The girls are spending the day with friends bowling, and Mark and I have some errands to run. For the first time ever on New Years Eve, we will not be with our kids. Aly has been invited to a girlfriend’s house for a sleepover party and Avery has been invited to sleep over at a friend’s house too. Mark and I will be heading to a party at our good friends that live down the street from us.

I keep wishing it was different. Not having the girls with us for New Years seems weird to me. They are getting to an age now where this will happen more and more until they are out on their own. I have to face it, but just do not want to. Something as simple as a holiday apart triggers so many thoughts and feelings. It really is amazing.

I remember when my girls were babies, and I would wish them through little phases in there growth. Things like, I wish she would sleep through the night, or I wish she would crawl, or walk. I even remember thinking when Ashleigh was in high school, “I wish she had a boyfriend” (that makes me laugh now!), be careful what you wish for. My point is that I have stopped wishing things along and I have started being more present in the girls lives right now. I am not as eager to have them speed through the growing up check points as I once was. Now I am holding tightly to each minute with them.

I will be honest; I know I am pushing Aly to drive. I think that that will be good for both of us. It will take the pressure off of me to get her around, and it will give her the freedom that all teenagers need. I also know at some point, she will climb into a car and drive away from home towards a life on her own. Realistically, that is what I have been working towards all along isn’t it? But, for now I just have to get through a New Years Eve without my kids by my side. I am sure I will have a few little tears at midnight, but when you look at the big picture, I think we are all on the right track and that is a good thing!

Day 129 The Perfect Mom Project

I just got back from vacation. Yesterday I packed a little overnight bag for myself and hit the road. First I stopped and did a Christmas return and a little shopping and then I headed over to my girlfriend's house to spend the night. I just had to get out of here. I was so overwhelmed and so upset, that I was taking it out on everyone. I called my good friend of 25 years and she said, "Come on over!" and so I did.

We have been friends through think and thin. She was my Maid of honor and I stood up in her wedding too. Since the 80's, we have had chick weekends and family get togethers and even some times when we were not speaking, but she was always and will always be in my heart. My friend knows me better then I know myself sometimes. She is the calm to my storm. She can make sense when I have no sense. Being with her was just what I needed!

I stopped by her house to pick her up and we went out for dinner and poked around some shops and then headed back to her house for conversation and relaxation! It was just what the doctor ordered. I needed somewhere that I could just stop worrying about everyone else and think about me. My brain was reeling with Aunt Nina's requests and my Dad's issues and then of course the added family drama issues. It was a nice little break and a good start towards a new year. I just need to keep this clear mind set for as long as possible.

As we talked my friend helped me see things that I had not thought of. She suggested that perhaps my anger with my sister about not making plans was based more in how upset I was with my parents and how they handled themselves when they had come to town. She said that perhaps the recent events triggered the past memories and stress. I thought that was a good call. We also talked about our lives over the years, the people we have known and the things we have done. There was something cleansing about the whole evening. It felt good to laugh at ourselves and pretend the we had no responsibilities. It was a great escape!

It is back to reality now. Time to get ready to take Avery to the dentist and then do some grocery shopping I have had my fun and now it is time to get back to my real life. I am happy to be home, but there is a little piece of me that is still wishing for some more play time. I will have to see if I can sneak some in later, mean while...back to the work of mothering!

Day 128 The Perfect Mom Project

I have lost it! The pressures of all of the the things that have been thrown at me in the last few months have pushed me over the edge. As I sit here trying to write, all I can do is just slump forward and shake my head. I have been running fast and hard trying to stay ahead of the train, and now, I don't care. This is not the way a perfect mom should be. All of my get up and go, got up and went...
When my Mom and Dad used to come in to town to visit, they would tell us the day they were coming, and pretty much nothing else. You never knew where they were staying, what they were thinking about doing when they got here, and sometimes you did not know when they were going to leave. It was a nightmare. You were always juggling your real life trying to be ready for when they might be coming by or when they might want to do something with you. It was like the King and Queen had come to town and all the minions would scamper about trying to please them.

Skip forward to yesterday. My sister and her husband (who happens to be Mark's brother), decided about two weeks ago that they were coming to our state for Christmas from New Orleans. I heard this through another sister that heard it from her mother. So, here they are! This visit had all the ear marks of the past visits of my parents. I never heard word one from them and I heard rumblings of things that my sister wanted to do while she was here from other sisters who heard it from someone else. I had decided that I was not going to play this game and just go about my business.

While I was in the shower yesterday, preparing to take my girls out shopping with their holiday gift cards, I got a call from my "visiting" sister to call her. She wanted the cousins (our girls ) to get together. Since, the girls and I had a plan, I decided to just head out on schedule and call her later. As we traveled towards our destination I got a text. "We want your girls to spend the night at Grandma's (Mark's Mom)with us." I just sat there, here we go, time to juggle and jump through hoops! If I said no, I am the bad guy, if I say yes, I give up the day I had planned with my girls. How do you handle this? Of course my kids want to see their cousins and visit, but I had been planning this day with them since before they had started their Christmas vacation.

What had been a day that stretched out before us, suddenly became, a rushed unfun, crabby mom day! At one point Aly said, "I am stressed out, and I do not know why?" I just told her, "It's my fault, I am so aggravated about how things are playing out today that I am ruining the time we do have!" I knew I was doing it, and I could not stop myself. That's when I decided to just slow it down. I took the girls to get a bite to eat and did a little more shopping with them, before we headed home to pack them for their overnight at Grandma and Grandpa's house with their out of town cousins.

In the middle of this all I kept feeling was annoyed! My sister does not have to make any effort to make a plan and she snaps her fingers and we all have to jump? I was and still am aggravated. I am aggravated that they can come into town and they do not call us, make no plans and expect that everyone else will drop everything and gather round them waiting for their next wish or want. Oh great out of town relatives thank you for gracing us with your presence! I am also aggravated that knowing full well that this would happen and steeling myself against it, I still fell into the fray. There is no communication between us for; I cannot even tell you how long and now, I am changing my day, and my plans to accommodate them. You know why? Because I do not want to hurt their kids feelings. In the mean time, I am stomping around mad, because I did not get to spend any time with my own girls and aggravated with myself, because I did not just say no, not today, we have plans!

I will bite my tongue when the girls get home today and I will ask them how their time was with their cousins. I cannot let my issues become theirs. That is about all I have in me though. I will not be getting my promotion to perfect mom if, accommodating out of town relatives that do not plan, is part of the process. I just have no patience for it! I am Mad as #*!!

Day 127 The Perfect Mom Project

"When can I go home?" That is what my Aunt Nina asked me on the phone yesterday. I told her that I would look into it, but that I would not be able to do anything until after this week. I have to talk with people at the facility where she is staying now and then I have to contact the home care company and the woman that cleans for her, so that she can prepare the house for Aunt Nina to come home. I really do not think she understands that we cannot just put her in the car and drop her off!

The thing is that she does not want 24 hour care, which is what they recommended the last time she wanted to go home. She thinks she can go home and have her part-time caregiver come in for a couple of hours and she will be OK. The problem is that the last time we did that she did not take her medication properly or even eat properly. That is beside the fact that she does not even get up and walk around. She sits in a wheelchair all day each day and gets around by walking in her wheelchair. She literally sits in the chair and walks the chair around with her feet. She cannot do that at home, because she has several different levels on the main floor and her bedroom is upstairs. I am not sure how she thinks this will work out.

Needless to say, I am frustrated! I am sure that she wants to be home and be surrounded by her things. I am also sure that because her husband and daughter are gone she just wants to be miserable. She does not want a radio in her room at the center where she is staying. She will not let us have the television set up for her to watch. She just sits in her wheelchair, and stares out the doorway of her room all day everyday unless someone visits her.

She cannot see well, due to macular degeneration, and her hearing is terrible. On top of the fact she cannot walk well either and barely gets around on her own. I cannot in good conscience send her home without full time care. She is angry, because she does not want anyone staying in her house with her, and she does not want to pay what it would cost to have two people split the 24 hour shift, because it is double what she would pay for live in help. She does not want to stay at the care center either. She just wants to go home and lay in her bed and be miserable until it is her time to die. I will be working on calling people today to rally support for my cause. If she goes home she must have 24 hour care. Like it or lump it!

The other issue is that all of the company that she has had visiting her will pretty much stop. People are not going to want to go to her house and visit her up in her bedroom. Somehow, I will have to get these professionals to help her see that she needs the help. She is looking for someone to blame for her situation and right now she has decided that this is my fault. We had told her we needed her to stay at the care center at least until after the holidays, and to her it is after the holidays and she is mad that she is still there. I can only guess that on December 26th, she thought we would pull up to the door and throw her in the car and drive off. Sorry, not going to happen!

So, on top of working towards mothering perfection today, I will be learning about elder care. I suppose it would be a good idea for me to work towards perfection in that as well. What have I got to lose? At some point the information might come in handy for me too!

Day 126 The Perfect Mom Project

When I was born, my Mom and birth Father named me Cheryl. Growing up I was always called that , actually my Mom called me Cher. At some point as I was growing up my Mom shared with me that my first name had actually been the name of my birth Father's girlfriend ( I know, real nice!). Since I have never met him(my birth Father), I cannot verify that story, but I can tell you that it put a bad taste in my mouth about my name as I grew up. I did not want some crummy hand me down name from someone I did not know, and I also did not like the back story that went along with it.


My middle name was Ragen, this was also my (my Mom's Dad)Granddaddy's middle name who I loved and admired very much. Granddaddy was the dad I never had. I am certain that I have mentioned this before, but he was a wonderful kind man. Everyone that knew him loved and admired him. He was kind and gentle and I always knew he cared very deeply for me. Sharing his name was an honor. As I got older I decided that I would use my middle name instead and that is what I did. At about the age of 18, I started using Ragen instead of Cheryl when applying for jobs or introducing myself. A few years ago I had my name legally changed so that my first name was Ragen and my middle name was my Mom's maiden name. I wanted to have the name that I had identified with most of my life. I used to tell Mark that I was worried that someday I would be in a nursing home and someone would call me Cheryl and I would go ballistic!


Yesterday an envelope was delivered to us from Federal Express. In it were three envelopes and our names were on each, it was not a handwriting that we knew and I assumed it was the new wife's handwriting. Aly's name was spelled wrong on her envelope, there was an envelope for Avery and on the envelope for Mark and I, it read Mark and Cher. That put me right over the edge. I kept trying to get myself to focus on the fact that my Dad, who is fighting for his life had taken the time to think of us at Christmas, and I knew that alone, he never would have been able to send these out. However, the only thing I kept coming back to, was the fact that this woman was writing the name that my Mom had called me. How dare she!


In the bigger picture it was probably something innocent like my Dad telling her what to write, but I do not care I just know that it felt like another punch in the stomach. It feels (and is) like he just does not understand that this woman is not accepted or wanted and she has NO right in my mind to call me what only my Mom could call me, no matter what the circumstances were. I feel like a little girl not getting her way, I am on the verge of a temper tantrum and have no idea how to settle myself down. I am so hurt and so sad and so confused that there is no consoling my soul right now. I am fighting an inner turmoil that only I can fight. There is no one else that will get this feeling and there is no one else that can fix this feeling. I just want everything to go back to the way it was! In someways, I just want a "do over" with my Mom. I want these little things to stop bugging me so much. If I do not snap out of it, this whole situation with my Dad will eat me alive!


So, here we are on the other side of Christmas. Looking towards a new year and a new beginning. Who knows what is ahead for my family and me? Only, time will tell, I do know one thing for sure, I will continue to pursue my quest of perfect motherhood and I will work diligently to move through this difficult time, so that I can come out on the other side a better person. My kids and husband deserve that!

Today's photo is a picture of me at about 1 year old with my Granddaddy

Day 125 The Perfect Mom Project

There is wrapping paper pieces and empty cartons, along with random gifts still strewn about my house. It is a good thing though. It was a good Christmas, full of laughter and some tears. We have made it through part 1 of the holidays. We have completed Christmas at home and we will venture out today to begin part 2 at Mark's Mom's house and then our annual visit to Mark's friends from college.

I would have to say that the best part of Christmas had to be the smiles on my kids faces as they opened gifts. I do not think that this year there was anything that was a disappointment to anyone. You always take that chance when you venture out to shop each year. You have ideas from your kids and you try to fulfill those, and then you might get bold and make some decisions based on the things you know about your kids. This is when you step into tricky territory. What if they do not like it, or it does not fit. You really do not want to see that disappointed look on their faces, and know that you put it there!

The balance between a bad, good or even great Christmas is very small and if you are not careful you can tip the scale with one spur of the moment, well intended idea. I remember (actually, I have never forgotten) a Christmas when I had pointed out a clothing item to my oldest daughter Ashleigh. I told her I would like to have that and to mention it to her Dad as a Christmas idea. Somehow in the translation, I ended up with the clothing, in neon green (which I think I picked out) and in an extra large size, because Ashleigh told Mark that I would want it baggy. Honestly this shirt was so big that it would have been baggy even in a medium. I unwrapped this item and just looked at it. What do you say? Thank you for the giant neon green shirt? or how about, Gosh, you shouldn't have!!

The balance is always precarious when you are kid and if just one thing is, the wrong size or color, or broken or even not what you thought it would be, you feel like your Christmas was jinxed. I have to mention once again that the year that I got a stocking full of coal, I was pretty much traumatised. I do not remember anything else about that year except how sad I was. Not to mention the fact that I had a hard time letting Santa off the hook. The Jolly Old Elf had turned into The Big Fat Grump!! Who does that to a kid? I can still picture myself reaching for my stocking and peaking inside. I even remember a smile on my Mom's face like, There! That will teach you! The only thing it taught me was...well, honestly nothing.

I guess my point with all of this is that being a mom, is never easy. You are a mind reader on top of everything else and if you slip up, you are taking a chance you will scar your kids for the rest of their lives. No pressure there! So, today I can move forward knowing that at least for this year no one was traumatised. I will work hard to keep from traumatising the girls through out the remainder of the holiday season. This will not be easy though, because deep down in the dark recesses of my mind are little fibers of my Mom that try to peak out and work their magic. I have to really fight it sometimes. Other times it just happens that I do, or say something that at the time I thought was cute or funny and I know my kids are storing it away in there brains to remember not to do when they have kids of their own. Such is the life of this perfect mom in progress. Maybe, I am not progressing at all, who really knows?

Day 124 The Perfect Mom Project

Merry Christmas!

In just a short while my family will be up and buzzing around preparing for our Christmas morning traditions. Once everyone is up, teeth must be brushed (this part is very important, you do not want to hug someone with smelly breath!) and coffee made, before we can all go downstairs to see what Santa has dropped down the chimney. We also have to pop the cinnamon rolls that we made in the oven to warm up. When all the hustle and bustle is finally over, we go downstairs to be together and open gifts.

Last night after church, we came home to find that Santa had once again come early and left pajama's under the tree for the girls and Mark. The girls quickly threw the pajamas on and we headed to the car (with Roxanne and Louis) to drive around and look at Christmas lights. We do this every year and the girls love it. Driving around in their "jammies" and rating each homes Christmas light display. A new twist this year was Mark and the girls also rating the Christmas song that were on the radio. Ah, memories! I am looking forward to watching each of my children raise their own families. I am curious to see what traditions they adopt for their children.

Ashleigh and Scott arrived home just as we were returning from our drive. I know I see them fairly often, but there is always a special thrill when they pull up at Christmas, I was so excited I took a picture of them! We enjoyed time with our family and some of our dearest friends came by to have a little dessert ( a delicious cheesecake made for us by another very dear friend YUMMY!). Then it was time to climb into bed and let Santa work his magic.

So here I am, the running and wrapping behind me, the stress and worry a small memory. When I look back each year I always wonder how I made it out on the other side of the madness, but somehow I do. I am truly blessed! No matter what has happened this year, my family and friends have been there with me every step of the way. I cannot imagine a better life then the one I have and coming from a semi perfect mom in progress that is big news! I just have to remind myself of this in the weeks ahead. The happy Christmas feeling will melt away, and I will be be back carpooling and cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping and trying to navigate through the other things that come up for a Perfect Mom in progress.

Day 123 The Perfect Mom Project

Its HERE!! Phew like a freight train heading down the track Christmas has been coming at me. Finally, all the time and energy of preparation will pay off. I can enjoy the holidays and eat, drink and be merry.
From the time I was a very little girl Christmas was special. My Mom loved Christmas and because she loved Christmas she would work very hard to make it special. Every year she would work to make every desire come true. I know now how difficult that had to have been. Trying to do this as a single Mom, was never easy for me, and I can only imagine that it was just as difficult for her.

In the picture, I am probably about 2 or 3 years old. The dress I am wearing was made for me by my Mom. I still have that dress, I am not able to wear it anymore, but for some reason I have always hung on to it. I remember playing with those blocks too. They came with a cloth bag to store them in and I can remember pouring them out onto the floor to play with them. The little gold Santa was always out at my Grandma and Granddaddy's house. I am not sure where it came from, but it is always in my memory. I know it is somewhere in the house in New Orleans, and I will probably never see it again. I had asked my Mom for it once, and she had told me she was not ready to part with it. I hope someday to have it back, but I have lots of pictures of it and great memory's about this silly little Santa.

When I was a few years older, I remember after a particularly tough year, Santa put coal in my stocking. I have to tell you if you want to ruin your kids Christmas and stunt them for the better part of their life, this is a good way to go. I will never forget that as long as I live. Another year when I was much older, I found a little tin of coal at a store and I bought it and wrapped it up for my Mom. She thought it was funny, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, "There, take that!"

When I was probably 10 or 11 years old, I remember waking up on Christmas morning and finding this big paper bag with Holiday decorations on it. It was very tall, almost as tall as me, and it was filled with all kinds of gifts, including a pair of ice skates, which came in handy, since we lived on a lake at the time. That same day, my Mom and I went to a neighbors house to have some Christmas cheer and the mom there said, "I am not sure what happened, but Santa left this gift here by mistake!" and then she handed me a package. When I opened it there was a flute inside. That was the best, it was another moment I will always remember. I still have that flute. Sadly, I do not play it anymore, but for some reason I think I should keep it.

Most years were like that all year would be not so great and then Christmas or my birthday would come along and it would be awesome! For a very long time I struggled with Mark over these occasions, because my expectations were so high, now I am happy that, that was not reality and that my everyday life is in balance with my holidays, which is a better thing anyway. I have unfortunately passed along my Christmas expectation issue to my oldest daughter Ashleigh and I know my son-in-law is forever grateful to me.

I hope that tomorrow on Christmas morning, I will be creating memories for my own children. Giving them little moments to store away and keep to reflect on later when they need to. I know that my Mom worked hard to do that for me and I am able to use those memories now to remember her. My Mom was not perfect (heck sometimes she was down right horrible)but she still has a special place in my heart. She was Mom, and when I was little...that is all that mattered.

Day 122 The Perfect Mom Project

After the washer repairman left yesterday, I was so happy! I was in a hurry, I had to get Avery to her youth group sleepover. On the way I was picking up her girlfriend and then making a quick stop so that Avery could pick up a Christmas present she had in mind for her sister. After I dropped them off, I had planned to run to my favorite produce store and pick up all my vegetables for the next few days. Basically, many, many things to do...rush, rush, hurry, hurry!

Merry Christmas!

All that stopped, when I jumped into the car and it would not start. I had been through this the night before when I was out shopping with Aly and the car would not start when we came out of the mall. I had jumped out of the car and wiggled the cable on the battery the night before and it had started running, so I figured I would give that a shot. Third time was a charm, and off Avery and I went. We picked up Avery's girlfriend and headed out to do our quick shopping. Once we were done with the shopping, we went out to the car, and guess what, it would not start! I went back under the hood for some more jiggling, and after a couple of tries and the car alarm going off (yes, I was worried people would think I was stealing the car) I got the car running again.

At this point, I decided to give it up. I would just drop off the girls at their party and head home. Why bother going anywhere else, I was already so on edge I could lose it at any minute! I kept thinking about me alone in the dark parking lot at the store, poking around under the hood of my car. This just did not sound like a good idea. My life tends to play out like a Lucy episode, and I just was not in the mood to see how this episode would end. Once I got the girls to the party, I left the car running while I unloaded their things and got them safely into the house. With the girls dropped off and my car still running I headed home.

I was so disappointed. I wanted so badly to be done with all my errands and chores, but it seemed like at every turn something else (did I mention my vacuum cleaner belt broke while I was cleaning) happened that slowed me down and and set me back from where I wanted to be. On the other hand, early in the day, the girls and I were baking homemade cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning and frosting Christmas cookies. As we worked we were singing Christmas carols at the tops of our lungs. We were also laughing and talking and just enjoying some time together. I wonder if this moment would have happened this way if I had not been waiting for the repairman to come? We had no real agenda, we had lots of time, because we were just going to have to wait for the repairman to get here. Even last night, when I got safely home, I was able to finish my wrapping and enjoy some time that was not originally in my plans.

I need to keep this in mind as I head out this morning. Aly and I have early dental appointments and then I will try to head back out to go to the produce store and finish up my errands, which include getting my mangy mutt groomed! Mark was able to fix my car for me last night, so I will not have to worry about that, but somewhere in the back of my mind I hope I can keep that little piece stored away that not everything is going to happen on my schedule. If I am willing, I can find a way to make almost anything work out, even if it is not how I planned it to be! Perhaps, today will be even better, because I know that I am almost done with all of the rush, rush, hurry, hurry part of Christmas. All that will be left will be visiting with family and friends and remembering why we celebrate this holiday to begin with, it all started with a little baby that was born and laid in a manger.

Day 121 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I have put this off long enough, I have to just tell you, my Dad got married on Sunday. I was sad all day that day, feeling like I was watching a train barreling down a tunnel. I am not sure that I have words in me to explain how I feel, but I will try.

If my Dad had met this woman even just a few months ago, after my Mom died it would hurt me, but I would understand his loneliness and learn to accept this. I just feel like my Mom has been swept aside and there is no room in his heart left for the person she was. I look at the sudden changes in his home and the things that he suddenly finds entertaining that he never liked before, and I think to myself , "Who are you?" Why the rush to change who you are? I have no answers, only hundreds and hundreds of questions.

My Aunt Nina snapped at me when I went to visit her after my trip down to New Orleans for Thanksgiving, I was talking about my dad and she said "Do not call him that, he is not your Dad!" The problem is, that he is the only father figure I have ever had and I care very much for his girls, who I call my sisters. It seems like a gift with two pieces and you only like one of the pieces, would you give back one part of the gift, or keep the whole thing and make it work?

Why the rush to get married? Here he is so sick and weak and not really thinking clearly and he is making major changes to his life. Why? I have watched my parents pour all kinds of things into the holes in their lives over the years and nothing has filled the holes up. They have had Motor homes, built houses and bought boats, in ground swimming pools, Cadillac's and sports cars and 5000 square foot homes and none of it has ever seemed to fill the very deep cavern of their lives. I worry that this rush to wed, is another scoop to fill this bottomless hole, and to what end, since your family is just getting pushed farther and farther away.

Who is the victim here? Is it the new wife, or is it my Dad? Who convinced who that all of this turmoil is a good idea right now? My Dad kept saying to us when we were there at Thanksgiving, "I deserve to be happy don't I?" That really troubled me, because I do not think being happy is a right. I think being happy is something we all work on everyday. Scraping it out in the trenches of life and hoping that at the end of the day you got it right. Happiness is not something that you can make happen to you, happiness is part of your willing and open heart to accept everything you have going on in your life. You do not get bonus tickets like at a carnival that you add up and pick a prize with. Um, lets see...giant stuffed dog or happiness? Gosh I cannot decide!

The only word that keeps coming up for me and my sisters is...SAD...not happy, just plain sad. We have a right to be happy too, don't we? So how do we do that now? I am going to just focus on my wonderful husband and beautiful children. I will spend every last one of my breaths making sure that my family never has to struggle with even a fraction of the questions I have. I will pray each day for the wisdom and guidance to be the best person, mother and wife I can possibly be. I will also just enjoy every minute of the life that has been laid before me, with no expectation that I deserve anything. I would say in the end that will be the best answer to any questions that I have.

My family wants the old less worried and sad version of me back, and I intend to give it to them, just as long as I do not have to wrap it. For the record, I am kind of tired of wrapping!

Day 120 The Perfect Mom Project

Here we are in the home stretch, Christmas eve is just three days away. I wish I could say I am good to go, but I am not. I still have some shopping to do, some wrapping to do and some baking to do. Oh! And I still need to go grocery shopping!! HELP!! Since my families response to "What would you like for Christmas this year?" was "I don't know, I cannot think of anything". It has been very tough.

More of my holiday frustration right now is coming from not being mentally prepared. I keep getting bogged down in thoughts about family stuff that I cannot change. After yesterday, when I
realized that I was trying too hard with my girls my sister sent me this:

Dear Ragen, I do not need your help today, Love God.

Wow, that hit home. I sent my sister a message telling her that I like to think of myself as God's trusty sidekick, but apparently that is not necessary. I know I have been focusing on all the wrong things. Both of my girls have told me that it does not feel like the holidays to them either, and I want to do something to fix that for them, but I have to fix it for myself first. Perhaps that is where the above message comes in. Maybe I need to just let go and let God step in and help us out on this. I am to busy stomping around like Godzilla all ticked off about every little thing and I am not focusing on the bigger picture.

All this stuff we are doing, all the gifts we are buying are not what Christmas is about. I think it is time to hand over my stress to the one who can handle it best. I assume from his message, that he would prefer that anyway. It is easy to say, but tougher to do, especially when right in the heart of my holiday madness my washing machine breaks down! I have to stay calm and just keep pitching this stuff to The One who can handle it.

I will hit the ground running today, I must pick up Aly from a sleepover, and call the repair man for my washer, go grocery and Christmas shopping, finish my baking AND breath...just breath...

Day 119 The Perfect Mom Project

A while back I wrote about how horrified I was when Avery did not complete an assignment that was 70% of her grade, because she had been gone the entire weekend at a youth retreat. Her grade at the time went plunging from an A to an F in one fell swoop! I also shared with you at the time that Avery had asked me to let it go, that she would handle it. Well, word came home on Friday that her grade in Algebra is now an A-!

I was absolutely amazed at how hard she worked to get her grade back up. Every so often I would try to ask her how she was doing, and she would say to me, "I have gotten 100% on everything I have done so far Mom, but you need to stop worrying about it!" For whatever reason, I was more upset about the whole thing then she was. She had every confidence she would make it right and that was that!

This incident has had me thinking about why I would react like I did. I literally panicked! What the heck was that about? Even recently, when Aly and I went round and round about her handing in the missing papers to her teacher, I was worrying. I know that the girls are hard working students. They both have a love of learning and also a love of school (most days). Why would I worry about their grades? It is almost like I am personally attached to their accomplishments. It even feels a little like I am living through them, with both girls getting good grades, it will somehow absolve me of my poor grades in school. This is just speculation, but it is worth thinking about. What if I am the scholastic version of a stage mother? What if I am driving my children to succeed to fill some deep hole within me?

Honestly, it is not like I sit at the table with a whip and force them to do their school work. They have both always been very good about coming home and doing their homework. I also rarely, discuss school with them other then asking if they have homework and suggesting they get it done or something like the missing papers happens. They are pretty self propelled when it comes to school. Despite that, I still find myself wondering...do I drive my children to hard? Are my expectations too high?

This is something I am thinking a lot about right now. I truly hope that I can take some time over their Christmas break to talk to each of them about this topic. If they are feeling pressure about school from me, I hope I can learn to back down some and let them succeed or fail on their own merit and not take it on as my own. They are great kids, and the grades, (while they are nice) are not going to be all that they have in life. There ability to be good friends and loving parents are just as valuable as there scholastic abilities. This actually opens up a whole new can of worms, since here I am working towards being the perfect mom. These could be big shoes to fill, talk about pressure! Yeah, whatever you all know way to much all ready to buy that one!!

Day 118 The Perfect Mom Project

We are off to see our oldest daughter Ashleigh today! I am excited to see her and I am looking forward to seeing her home all decorated for Christmas. Another part of our plan is to bring home her dog Louie, he will stay with us until Christmas. Ashleigh's husband Scott has booked a snowmobile trip for just the two of them and they will return home the day before Christmas Eve.

We love having Louie here. When Ashleigh first got her dog (Louie) it was the week before she graduated from college. I thought she was nuts, "A dog?, You do not need a dog Ashleigh!" But as soon as I met Louie I fell in love with him too. I promptly offered to watch him for her when she headed out of town to see Scott who was working out of state. Since Scott works out of town quite often, I would watch Louie quite often, while Ashleigh would travel to see him. I grew more and more in love with that darn dog. It got to the point that when Louie would go home, I would cry. Quite the jump from"Are you nuts?" don't you think?

My longing and sadness from missing Louie turned into my wanting a dog of my own. When I mentioned this to my friends, they all said "Are you nuts?" I have to say, I wondered that myself! One day almost two years ago, I was driving through our town and saw a sign at a local groomer that they had puppies for sale. I was feeling blue that day and thought perhaps a little puppy cuddle would pop me out of my blues. That is the day I met Roxanne. She was this sassy little puff of fur that was chasing all the other puppies and wrestling them to the ground. I liked her spunk! I was hooked, and did not know what to do. I called a friend that had two dogs of her own and asked her if she would go back with me to see this puppy and give me her opinion. That afternoon, back I went with my puppy advisor. Some help she was(she was supposed to talk me out of a puppy), she saw all the puppies and melted, that day we both went home with new puppies!

Roxanne has been a joy and a pain at various times, but we all love her at our house, as a matter of fact, Louie loves her too! When you say, "Louie is coming!" Roxanne perks up her head and cocks it to the side, like she is saying "He is, where is he?" Louie does the same thing when Ashleigh mentions Roxanne to him. They are so cute together, they play and fight just like my kids do. This whole puppy situation is just another example of how as a Mom, I am constantly learning from my kids. I am also glad that all of my girls are able to respectfully disagree with me. Many times I have learned from all of them that Mom's are not always right. Sometimes I have to get a little nudge, or even a push to see that my way is not always the right way. It is a tough lesson, but I am up to the challenge, I like to believe the saying, "You learn something new everyday!". So, today I will surprise Roxanne with her pal Louie and the doggy fun will begin.

Day 117 The Perfect Mom Project

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I think that we are always where we need to be and that God guides us to each path we walk, so that we can learn and grow. Sometimes that path is a quick short walk, and other times the path is a long road seemingly going no where. Either path that is set before us brings us in and out of contact with other peoples lives, these people can touch us or teach us, and we do the same for them. Sometimes it is hard to tell who is helping who. I always tell my kids when they are in a difficult situation to take some time to work through it, because otherwise the lesson will be put in front of you again.

With that being said, I am still trying to figure out who helped who yesterday. I went to get my hair cut at the salon I have been going to for many years. The woman that cuts my hair and I had an immediate bond from the moment I walked in the door there 12 years ago. Although she is about 15 years younger then me, we have had similar experiences with our Mom's as we grew up and we have talked about this often. One thing that we have always talked about, was the frustration we felt with our Mom's and how we wished our relationships with our Mom's could be different. We both have struggled with how to raise our own children as well as wanting to be a better mom then our mom's had been. Both of us have suffered from physical and emotional abuse at the hands of our mothers, along with other traumatic experiences that have shaped who we are.

As we talked yesterday, I mentioned to my friend how much I was missing my Mom this Christmas. I told her that Christmas was always my Mom's favorite time of year and every detail had to be perfect. Even though my Mom was not always aware of the Christmas holiday in the last years of her life, I always knew she was still here and still part of my life. Last year I could use phrases like "my Mom always..." , now this year I use phrases like "My Mom used to...". This has made each little thing that I do that was carried forward from my Mom seem larger then life and somewhat surreal. I find myself missing her and crying often.

My friend shared with me that she had struggled that morning with her young son. He had been spinning around and had gotten his baby sister spinning around as my friend was trying to talk to their caregiver. She suddenly became overwhelmed by the commotion and the difficulty of trying to talk with the kids all ramped up and she snapped. She shared that she grabbed her son as he spun by and as she reached out got a hold of his hair. She yelled at him to settle down, and he ran off. When she went to talk to him about what happened, he told her he was scared to come out. At that moment she became upset, because she has worked so hard to be a better Mom then what she had, and she felt like she had let her son down.

I told her how I had a similar experience when my girls were little and it upset me in the same way. You want so much to be evolved and together with your kids, and every so often something dark sneaks in and you snap. I remember having the same reactions that she did and feeling tremendous guilt that I had hurt my child and let them down. There is always this feeling that you have to be better then that. It is a huge pressure that weighs on you everyday. My friend said, she had always wanted to be the perfect mom, and at that point I smiled at her and said "Thus the Perfect Mom blog!" I get it, you work so hard to be a good mom, or great mom, or even a perfect mom, and one moment and one mistake seems to take it away. We are all struggling to be good mom's, it is just that for some of us it feels like we have so much to overcome first.

When you think about it though, I am missing my Mom this Christmas despite our past together, because she was my Mom. Even on her worst day, she is still the person that gave me life, a sense of humor and even some of the gifts and talents that I have. She will always be the one that was there for most of my firsts in life. I worked hard to get what little she offered me, yet I still miss her and wish that I could talk to her. I always felt like we were one conversation away from healing our relationship. She will always be "Mom" and I will always love her for that in spite of everything.

That is what my friend and I shared with each other yesterday, we let each other know that we were not alone, that as women we all struggle with our picture of what a "good mom" truly is. The best part is that as women we can talk to each other and share our experiences and every so often help each other through a rough spot. Whether it is dealing with our mom's, or dealing with being a mom it is all part of the life and path that God has set before us and it is up to us to make it the best walk we can.

Day 116 The Perfect Mom Project

I'm OK, everyone relax! That is what I was thinking as I laid on the dining room floor in the dark last night.

After everyone was snug in their beds last night our cat Emeril started pawing at Avery's bedroom door. Since I did not want the cat to wake her up, I hopped out of bed and grabbed the cat and headed down the hall. My plan was to pitch the cat into the basement and close the door so that we could all get a good nights rest.

As I got into the dining room it was quite dark (no, I did not think to turn on a light) and I had to feel around for the basement door. I wanted to make sure it was open, so that I did not bump my head or somehow hurt the squirming cat in my arms. Reaching around for the door, feeling into the air...nothing...nothing...got it! I tossed the cat onto the stairs and closed the basement door. As I turned to head back to the bedroom, BAM, I tripped over Mark's briefcase and landed on the floor.

As you might recall, I mentioned earlier this week that my family likes to use the area by my back door as a ceremonial dumping ground for all of their stuff. Mark's briefcase, has been a topic of discussion from time to time, because it is heavy and bulky and just plain in the way! I had asked him to please take it down by our desk at night, because it was in the way and I had bumped into a a couple of times. Now, here I was splayed out on the dining room floor, and (I will be honest) I was not saying please anymore. First of all no one even came to see if I was OK. Mark told me this morning he did not think I fell, he thought I just tripped. OK, but could that be cause for sympathy? Apparently not!

I had a very bad attitude as I climbed back into bed. I gave strict orders(there was some bad language involved) to my loving husband to move that #*#** briefcase ASAP! I have to tell you, I was more upset that no one came to check on me and make sure I was OK. I know that sounds crazy, but I was hoping for some sympathy. I got zip, nada, nothing! Perhaps I should have screamed as I fell or just laid quietly on the floor and waited until Mark figured out I was not coming back to bed, although anyone who knows me, knows that I could never lay anywhere quietly, so that idea is out.

When I woke up this morning, I decided I should let it go. I went to workout with my girlfriend and I told her about what happened and we laughed. Silly, crazy life! Stuff happens to all of us and we can stay stuck in it, or move on. It did help that when I came home from working out, Mark was at the door waiting for me and he said "I am sorry about last night". That little face he makes when he apologizes, it is hard not to accept, so we kissed and hugged and moved on with our day.

I do not want anything to ruin our day tomorrow, especially some silly moment that is over and done with! Mark is taking the day off and we are going to go Christmas shopping and spend the day together. To me that is better then any wrapped gift. The only thing I am going to ask, is that my family please put all of their stuff away that is by my back door. Now I have a tragic story to point to any time they leave their things laying around. Hey, I could have been really hurt, you know!

Day 115 The Perfect Mom Project

"Mom, I do not want you to get progress reports from my teacher anymore, I do not want you to worry about my homework!!" This is what Aly said to me when we were talking about some papers that were listed as missing on her weekly progress report. My response, was "TOO BAD!"

Two days ago I mentioned to Aly that she had two papers listed as missing on her weekly report from the teacher. Her normal A in the class was now a B+. Not terrible by any means, but why the missing papers? Aly, was upset with me, because she thought my issue was the grade. It was not the grade, it was the missing papers. The papers were actually done and in her folder, but the teacher had asked the class to turn them in when Aly was out of school one day for Thespian Festival. Aly tells me she asked the teacher if they had turned in anything when she was gone and the teacher told her they had not. I just felt that somewhere she had dropped the ball.

The papers did get turned in yesterday, the teacher excepted them, because they were from a day that Aly was absent. Aly's point, was "What's the big deal Mom?" and mine was "You have to follow through!" We were at an impasse, because Aly felt she had followed through the best she could, and I could not let it go that the papers had been missing. I kept trying to explain to her that I was looking at the bigger picture, I want to be sure that she understands that follow through and double checking are very important. Teachers and bosses do not normally care why you did not get the job done, they just care that it is not done. Over all Aly was upset that I did not have faith in her and that I felt I needed to follow up on her.

Honestly, I have been receiving these weekly progress reports for several years and this is the first time that it was a problem. I took to heart what Aly said about not wanting me checking up on her. I recognize that she thinks I am pressuring her and I will have to regroup a little on that. My only purpose in receiving these reports, is so we can all stay up to speed about what is going on at school. We have had a couple times in the past where we were able to find errors and have them corrected. That's when I am celebrated as an awesome Mom and get the (Keep up the good work!) pat on the back.

I know after 26 1/2 years of parenting, that I am not going to get it right every time, but when I am asked to remove myself from the parenting process, it is time to do a quick self scan and make sure I am still on my game. Perhaps it is time for a little tune up. I am thinking a lot about the things that Aly said to me yesterday, and if I can help take some of the pressure off of her, I will. All I ask is in the mean time make sure you get your school work turned in and love me even though I am flawed, because...this is it, this is the Mom that you have and nothing is going to change that. Most importantly we both need to have faith in each other that we are doing the best that we can at being mother and daughter, we have a long road left ahead of us and I would like us to walk it together.

Day 114 The Perfect Mom Project

Excuse me...this is the third day I have asked you to put your shoes away, get on it! Why is it so hard for my family to put away their stuff? I am constantly pointing at something and asking "Can you put that away?" Honestly wouldn't it be better if instead of saying that they will, they were just honest and said "No" right then. Why lead me on with OK, and then not do it?


My favorite part is that by day three or four, I am not saying "Can you pick up your shoes?" I am yelling "PICK UP THESE SHOES, I HAVE ASKED YOU THREE TIMES!!" The response I get then is "Jeez, Mom you don't have to yell." Really, because I thought maybe your hearing was going and that is why you did not do what I asked! I feel like there are days that I walk around with my eyes bugging out of my head out of pure frustration. It would be real nice if when I asked my children to pick things up that they jumped up and did it. Avery will sometimes just sit there and look at me and then say, "I will, as soon as you leave the room." like I am watching her and it makes her uncomfortable. The problem is as soon as I leave the room, she forgets to do what I asked. It is a vicious circle!


I have threatened to put anything that is left out in a basket and charge them with chores to get their stuff back. It would be a great way to get them to do all the housework, because I am sure the basket would always be full. The only thing is, I always worry that they will need whatever I have in my goody box and I will not be able to give it to them, then I will feel bad. If you think about it though it is way better then walking around with my eyes bugging out yelling at everyone.


Well, perhaps I will try it, what is the worst that can happen, it fails miserably and we go back to square one? Look, I am still working on this perfection thing and I only have my own experience to work with here, so if I have to experiment to get some action, then that is what I have to do. Anything is better then where we are at now! I am off to change the future of my home, watch and learn!

(OK, I know it is a little showy, but I want to exude confidence about my idea.)

By the way, I did take a photo of a very light day at the back door!

Day 113 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night as I was reviewing my emails, one of my sisters had sent me a link to look over some of her family pictures. As I was scrolling through them I was smiling and thinking how pretty she was, how cute her son is, nice picture of him and his then fiance at their college graduation and then BAM! There was a picture of my Dad with his girlfriend (fiance, AGH!). I was not expecting that and it really took me back.

I suddenly became so upset, I could feel this hostility towards the girlfriend pumping its way through my body. The worst part is for some reason, I could not get the picture off the screen. I had brought the photos up on my own photo program, and I suddenly could not figure out how to get rid of it. I was literally in a state of panic. It would be like having a bug you did not want on you, "get it off, GET IT OFF!" Mark was trying to help and I was losing it. As I think about it this morning I keep thinking...What the heck was that about? All I know is that I was feeling pretty good, ready to move forward and suddenly the whole thing was in my face again.

Reality is that I will probably being seeing this face for some time to come, and I have to let it go. This is not going to be easy. I was padding along happy as a clam buried in the sand and someone came along and dug me up. Facing reality is easier said then done. I want to go back and finish looking at the photos today, and I know I am going to see that picture again. I have decided it was probably shell shock and if I keep exposing myself to the photo it will be easier to see. I am not sure if that will work in the same way if I actually have to be in the same room with her again, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

In the mean time I have to continue to focus on my Christmas energy, because I am so excited to have it back and I do not want to lose it. We are in the final week of school before Christmas break starts and it is always a busy week for all of us. For me just trying to get all of the girls shopping and wrapping done before they are here with me all day! The best part of this week will be Friday, when Mark has the day off and we can spend it together. I look forward to this every year! I will just continue to remind myself to keep my eye on the prize and enjoy my family and not worry about all that other nonsense right now. I have all of next year to deal with that. In a little way I feel like Scarlet in Gone With The Wind..."I will think about that tomorrow!"

Day 112 The Perfect Mom Project

I had a complaint from a blog reader yesterday, about my recent erratic blogging. Once this week I wrote the blog and headed out for the day forgetting to post it, and another day (yesterday) no blog until the late afternoon. I have to apologize, I assure you it is as frustrating to me as it is to you. Writing this blog each morning is like a steamy cup of coffee, it helps me regroup and move forward. I hold my coffee mug in my hands and stare at the computer screen and figure out what is ready and willing to pour out of me each day. Once I am done pouring out my thoughts, I am ready to get going for the day. When this process does not happen I am unable to regroup and move forward. I will do my best to make sure you are not let down again Oh Faithful Reader! I know at this point it will sound like an excuse, but I have to explain what happened yesterday, because it was a huge turn around in my Christmas blues.

On Friday morning as I was working out with my girlfriends my friend mentioned that there was a great sale starting bright and early(7:00 AM) Saturday morning at a store selling some great items for only $5.00 each. Being a sucker for clearance and sale items, I was intrigued and told her I would ride shotgun if she wanted to head over there. There were two great things about this idea,

1. This was my best friend that shops with me each and every year the day after Thanksgiving(which you will remember I missed this year because I was in New Orleans).


2. I could start my Christmas shopping which I had been putting off for lack of enthusiasm.

Well, as you know, the night before was the 8th grade dance and I was there with Avery. Then following the dance Mark and I took her over to the after party. The after party was still hopping at midnight when I looked at Mark and said "Sorry, but I need to go...I have to get up early to write my blog and shop." You do not hear that everyday! So home we went and I climbed into bed to sleep around 12:45 AM. When my alarm went off somewhere around 5:00 AM my enthusiasm for writing was waning, so I rested for another twenty minutes. That twenty minutes is what made my posting in the morning improbable.

The upside to this downside is that I was able to get a lot of Christmas shopping done. What started as a quick early morning run turned into a day of full out Christmas shopping. It was like the day after Thanksgiving redo of 2009! I suddenly had the Christmas spirit, that I was longing to find for the last two weeks. I kept telling my girlfriend that I had my mojo back! It was amazing how quickly my attitude turned around. I was saying "Merry Christmas" to everyone and laughing and best of all I was actually thinking of things I would like to get for others this Christmas.

I woke up this morning, and I still have that light hearted feeling. I lit some candles near me and plugged in some Christmas lights. The only thing missing is a little Christmas music, which I will take care of in just a few minutes. It feels good to have my Christmas spirit, I think this is what Mr. Scrooge must have felt like after his long night of reviewing his transgressions. I am excited for the days ahead. I have time planned with another of my best friends to shop and Friday this week Mark took off work, so that we can spend the day together and finish up our Christmas shopping. Its going to be a busy week, started off today with a visit with Great Aunt Nina.

I am ready for Christmas, bring it on, I am not going to let anything distract me now. I AM BACK!! YEA! Super Christmas Moms unite!!

Day 111 The Perfect Mom Project

"Mom, thanks so much I felt like a princess!" That one sentence put me as close to Perfect Mom status as I think I can get. All it took was helping my youngest get ready for her first big dance. She looked absolutely beautiful!

Avery was a roller coaster of emotion yesterday, excited and overwhelmed were the main two emotions that kept popping up. After I picked Avery up from school yesterday she told me that she had felt like crying all day long. As she told me this the tears started down her cheeks. She shared with me all of her worries about her friends. She loves her group of friends so much and she is worried that they are all growing apart. At one point I told her that Aly had gone through the same thing in 8th grade and she is still friends with her "posse" today. Avery looked right at me and said "Mom, I am not Aly!" Oops, I broke a mom rule by comparing my kids.

After talking a little longer, I took Avery into her salon appointment, to get her hair cut and then headed home to start curling her hair. Avery had told me she wanted to have a curly style for the dance, and I just looked at her and said, "I do not know if I can do what you want me to do Avery." She replied, "Mom don't be such a downer!" What? Downer? I am being honest! I decided I would give it my best shot, I had warned her.

Once we were home, I got started on her hair and "light" make-up. I worked for an hour curling strand after strand of hair into pretty curls. As I worked, Avery talked, sharing with me all kinds of things that a mom always hopes that her daughter will share with her. I heard about her friends and choices that they have made that bothered Avery. She also told me about her friends and boys and about boys and her. I did not say much, I tried to let her just chat. I wanted her to be able to release everything that she was feeling so that she could just enjoy the dance. As I finished up, Avery looked at me and said "Thanks Mom, I was worried that you and I would fight or something today,this turned out way better then I expected!" Hey, no problem, I can behave when I put my mind to it!

Once we were done with the preparations and Avery slipped on her dress and shoes she was transformed from ordinary middle school girl into a "princess". That is the word that Avery used to describe herself..."I feel like a princess!" Yea, mission accomplished, I had succeeded. Her hair was awesome, her pretty face was made up and she felt pretty. A mother could not ask for more then that. Of course we had her pose for several photos to preserve this special occasion. Over all the dance was a success. I even squeezed in a little dancing of my own, as I poured water and pop for all of the kids at the dance. I figured as long as I stayed behind the table and did not "bust a move" out on the dance floor I would be OK.

Avery is still telling me today how happy she is and how pretty she felt. I am happy too. I managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat and guide my daughter through her first dance without embarrassing her or me. That is a pretty big deal all by its self, because everyone knows that a mom can slip up at any given moment and wreck everything.

Day 110 The Perfect Mom Project

I was at the Parent Club meeting at the middle school yesterday. The December meeting is always nice, because they serve quiches and fruit and all kinds of yummy bagels and coffee cakes. Since this was going to be my very last middle school December meeting, I did not want to miss it! With the wind whirling around and the snow blowing, I headed out to my meeting.

It was great to see my friends and also to hear from some of the speakers that were there for the meeting, but the best part was after everyone had left and four of us were helping clean up and talking about our 8th graders. The school counselor was there with us and one of the moms was sharing how a girl was pursuing her son. She was stunned by the lengths this girls was going, to attract her son, and she was even more stunned by the texts she was sending to him. She told us how she would calmly say to him, "let me see your phone for a minute" and then just skim through his texts and she wondered if that was OK. She also shared that the girl was actually already seeing her son's best friend and she had warned him that this could end badly with his friend. Her biggest worry was whether she was parenting to much, or not enough. Good question! How do we ever know that? When is it time as a parent to step back and let your kids be.

I have struggled with that since my oldest Ashleigh was born. Once she went off to college I tried to stay out of her business, but it was not always easy to do, and I am sure I was a frustration to her many times. Especially when she started to date my now son-in-law. I was not too sure about him and I told her that plenty of times, but she persisted. At one point frustrated by her choices, I looked up at the sky and said "I am giving this all to you God!" I have to say that was actually a turning point in our relationship. Once I released my expectations of her and let God be the guide, things really turned around. I absolutely love my son-in-law, I now see in him what Ashleigh saw and I am proud of her for standing her ground and not folding when I put in my two cents.

I did share with my friend yesterday that I think parenting is something that you do from your gut. I think it is important to trust your instincts and talk with your kids about what you are feeling. Everyone of us agreed that she was on the right track and that as long as her son was communicating with her about what was happening, she was good to go. It was nice to hear that other moms question their performance record too. The hard part is the girl this mom is talking about is one of Avery's friends. I also know that Avery has been struggling lately because some of her group of friends have gone boy crazy. Avery wants everything to stay just like it is. She loves her girlfriends and she does not like what these boys are doing to there little group.

Tonight is the 8th Grade Dance. It is THE EVENT of the year every year. Avery has her cute dress and she is going to have a cute hairdo, she is very excited! I hope that tonight, Avery and her friend's can have fun and put some of the puberty stirred drama aside. There is also an after party at a girlfriend's house and there will be boys there too. Makes me think, "What is the rush?" I know we have to go down this path, but does it have to be now? I have signed up to chaperon at the dance and Mark and I have been invited to come to the after party too, so we will be keeping an eye on all of this. In the middle of this I have to remind myself that my little girl is growing up and someday she will be telling me how much she loves some guy, and I am going to have to once again look up to heaven and hand it over!

Day 109 The Perfect Mom Project

After all the driving and stress of preparation for the Holiday Talent Show, comes word yesterday that it has been canceled. I honestly expected the girls to be disappointed, but all Aly said was, "Cool, now I can go shopping with my friend on Saturday."

I know this is probably really mean, but I am glad it was canceled too. I told the girls that as we all drove home from my round of pick ups yesterday. I know that they would have done a great job, they always do, I just was not up for it. I am having a hard enough time getting on board with this holiday, and I am trying to do anything I can to fake it until I get it. That includes baking cookies, which I swore off of last year. Yesterday afternoon I baked 9 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I know that I was short some(about a 1/2 doz.)because I kept eating the dough. After everything I know about eating raw dough, it would almost be considered attempted suicide.

I thought that if I did some of the things that I used to do over the holidays, it would get me into them more. One cookie that I am thinking about making is a cookie that my Mom loved, it is called Springerle. My Grandma used to make them every Christmas and when she passed away, my Mom gave me the special roller you need to make them. I also have the original hand written recipe that my Grandma used when she would bake these cookies, I have it framed and hanging on my wall. These cookies are a huge pain to make and I used to avoid making them. Now, this year with Mom gone, I am suddenly nostalgic enough to consider making them. The upside to this particular cookie is that the dough is not something you would enjoy eating raw!

Tonight, I might whip up some sugar cookie dough and have the girls work on cutting them out and baking them. They have always enjoyed decorating the sugar cookies, so maybe if I have them do the cutting and baking they will enjoy that too. I do not even really want all the cookies in the house, but baking them is kind of fun and it does help it seem more like Christmas. I know that this is a long shot, but why should I have all the fun? It would also be nice for all of us to come together to work on something. We are all either reading, on the computer or watching television. Perhaps a little time baking together would be fun, we shall see.

I am pedaling as fast as I can to get my Christmas spirit up and running. If the cookie baking does not work, I am thinking about having some of the girls friends over to go Christmas caroling. We did that a few times when the girls were little and I think it could be fun. I know you are thinking that I have gone Christmas crazy, but thats OK, I am not only trying to get back my Christmas spirit, I am also trying to work on my mothering, so this could be a win, win for everyone. Again...we shall see!

Day 108 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I think I have figured it out. I am going to be driving my children to(and picking them up from)where they need to be for as long as they need me to. Just yesterday Aly was planning on bowing out on something she had this afternoon after school, because she did not want to have to ask me to pick her up. I felt terrible, as much as I hate the constant running hither and yon, I do not want my girls to give up what they like doing. I only have a small window of time left before my girls all have lives of their own, and I want to spend as much of that window with them.

As I look out my window this morning, I am having a hard time getting motivated to write anything. There is a small amount of snow on the ground and it is raining. It is like the weather cannot make up its mind about what it wants to do. Instead of choosing one thing, we get the weather combo pack! This is not the kind of day that you jump out of bed for, this is the kind of day that you pull the covers over your head and fall back to sleep hoping that when you wake up the sun will be shining and the birds will be singing.

I am also struggling because I am frustrated. For the last few years, Mark and I have been trying to work towards our own holiday with our girls. For many years (since my parents lived out of state) it was tradition to go to Mark's parents house on Christmas day. It was always a lot of fun. All the Cousins, Aunts and Uncles exchanging gifts and eating the traditional Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. It was always fun to catch up with everyone. I do not think I had ever seen so many people or gifts on Christmas in all my life. Mark's parents always went all out for everyone.

As time has gone on though things have been changing for us here. We now have my Aunt Nina that we are responsible for and we have added a son-in-law and his family into the mix. This makes it tough for us to have a Christmas with our children the way we would like, because we are trying to juggle so many other things. Over time we had started to make alternate plans with Mark's family so that we could accommodate our own growing family. This has hurt Mark's parents, and in kind it has saddened and frustrated Mark. How do we honor what we need for our family and still honor his family too?

This is not easy. My oldest daughter Ashleigh has a husband and in-laws (that live 3 hours from them) of her own that have expectations for them, plus her own family(we live two hours from them)and the traditions she enjoys with us. We have Aunt Nina who until this year we would bring to our home to enjoy the holiday with us. Now due to her being unable to get around as well, we will need to go to her and spend time with her on Christmas. Somewhere in all of this we will be going to church and having a celebration of our own with our children. Things were more simple when we could throw everyone in the car and just head out to Grandma's on the afternoon of Christmas day, but our family is changing and we need to make our own traditions.

I am frustrated, because my husband is hurt and sad. He wants to please his Mom and Dad and he wants to please his own family and now he is in the middle. This is not how we want Christmas to be. We have tried to think of ways to make new traditions that would be enjoyable for everyone, but at this point we are still working through the hurt and disappointment. Over all, we know that for our family needs to make a change, we are being pulled in too many directions and we just have to focus on what will work for us. We love Mark's family, they are wonderful generous, loving people who would drop everything to help us if we needed it. However, it is time for our family to make traditions of our own. Knowing of course that this is temporary. In time Ashleigh and Scott will have children of their own and Avery and Aly will have lives of their own and we will be right back where we are now, trying to figure out how to make the holiday enjoyable for everyone and not have hard feelings.

I can only hope that somewhere along the line I will stumble across The Perfect Mom's Guide to Holiday Happiness and I will be able to get some tips on how to handle this situation with grace. Until then I will stumble around like a bull in a china shop!

Day 107 The Perfect Mom Project

OOPS! Wrote it and forgot to post it...sorry!

This is day two of "That's not fair!" Last night as the family was trying to decide who I should pick up and where, that comment came out again.



Here is the thing...Avery wanted me to drop her off at the high school so she could watch a friend try out for the Holiday Talent Show this afternoon. I tried to explain to her that last week when I dropped her and Aly off they were done in half an hour. I do not want to drive her there and then turn around and go back in 30 minutes, that is A, B is that I am already going up to the high school this afternoon to pick Aly up since she is staying after for Forensics Club. So, I would pick up Aly at 3:30 PM and then drop Avery off at 4:00 PM, and then go back to get Avery at 4:30 PM? ALL Right, THAT IS IT!!!



Apparently, it is not fair that I pick Aly up from school when she stays after for practices and meetings if I will not drive Avery up to the school to watch her friend tryout for this Holiday Talent Show. Never mind that I pick Avery up from school once or twice a week for a variety of reasons. Seriously, I am going to have to have a family meeting, because, I do not think it is FAIR that I have to drive kids all over town like that is all I am here for. Last night after several minutes of how unfair all of this is, I finally said, "I AM NOT A TAXI CAB!" I am sure that I yelled this out, but no one reacted to the comment at all, so I am starting to wonder if I am now invisible, which would make it more difficult for me to drive my children.



Aly told me last night that when she mentioned to a friend that she might not do the show at her church,(you know the one where I lost it driving the girls home last week) her friend's Mom got aggravated. The Mom offered to give Aly a ride if she still wants to do the show. I said that's fine, if she wants to drive go ahead, but now I am starting to feel like maybe we all need to slow down around here. I am sorry if people are disappointed that I am not willing to drive every bloody place, but I am not even able to think anymore. I still have to go see my Aunt Nina today and get some groceries and possibly some Christmas presents. It is not like I am sitting here eating bonbons and being fanned by the pool boy! I want my girls to be involved and have interests, however, their involvement and interests require my assistance right now, so I think that accusing me of not being fair is the wrong move. I would like to remind my children, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!!



I just waved good-bye to Avery as the carpool pulled away. Our last conversation as she headed to the car was...OK, so if you do not call then you are not staying after for the Dodge ball Tournament., otherwise if you call me I will pick you up around 5:30 PM. As you can see she has moved on from the whole talent show thing. Still in the mix is that I am picking Aly up at 3:30 PM from school. Somehow, I think my kids would be in a world of hurt if I suddenly stopped driving them places. Obviously, I cannot do that, but I like thinking about it. It makes me feel like I really do have a choice. Still on the agenda for a family discussion is how Mom is not a cab service. Perhaps after I pick everyone up tonight, we will talk about that...what's wrong with this picture?

Day 106 The Perfect Mom Project

At 6:00 AM this morning we got the call, Avery's school is closed today because of a power outage. Aly was not pleased, her comment of course was "That's not fair!" Guess what Aly, to bad, life is not fair, now get on the bus!

I love how the girls think that everything breaks down into fair and not fair. There is no possible way to take two people and make everything "fair". Think about it, how fair would that actually be? Everyone of my children is different. If I insisted that they were to be exactly alike and raised them that way, odds are real good I would be hauled off for emotional child abuse or something. In order to make everything fair, I would be jeopardizing the people that they really are. So, I guess that by not being fair, I am actually being fair.

Now the trick is to help my kids understand that. I have told my girls to be ready, because when I pass away, it is not going to be fair. I will have done something for two of the girls and not for one, or I will have said I was going to do something and not get a chance to do it. It is not going to "be fair" and at that point, I am not going to be able to fix it.

So reality is that I am not going to try to be fair, I am just going to work at treating others the way I would want to be treated and teach my children by example. I am going to play by the rules and think about how my actions affect others. I am not going to take advantage of others or blame others for my mistakes. Most of all I will always tell the truth and I expect the truth back. If by doing this I raise children that live with integrity, then I have done the best job I can. If that is not fair, then OH WELL!

It is just another day in this parenting jungle and I have much to do. I must teach my children about fairness and justice, do laundry, make my Christmas list a little longer and possibly make some cookies with my daughter who "got" to stay home today. There is no time to waste when you are working towards perfection.

Day 105 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I am going to be in my jammies a long time today. The progressive dinner went very well, but I am exhausted! We started at 5:00 PM last night, and at 1:00 AM I had to go home. I was done! From what I heard my hearty friends hung on until 2:00 AM, by then I was in dreamland.

It was nice to be with my friends and eat, drink and be merry. Every home offered something delicious to eat.We talked about many things and it was nice not to have my family stuff on the agenda. I am so tired of thinking of it and talking about it.

Aly did not get home from her competition until about 1:00 AM, and Avery had one of her best friends spend the night and they were still up when we all got home, so we are all dragging. After a little more resting, we will have to get in the swing of things again. Avery is going to a holiday event at our church with her youth group and I have been invited to an Advent Tea at a friends church tonight. There is no rest for the wicked! I am going to have to get in the holiday spirit sooner or later, my friends are working real hard to make it happen. If I do not get there soon, I could pass out trying.

Honestly, I started a Christmas list this morning, and I am feeling better about the holidays then I did yesterday. It could be that the wine we had last night has pickled my brain and made it possible for me to think more clearly. Not probable, but you never know. One thing is for sure, I am very fortunate to have a great group of friends looking out for me. I am hopeful for a good week with many activities. My girls are always up to something and this week will be no exception. So, all aboard the Christmas Crazy train. Everyone hold on and be ready for anything!

Day 104 The Perfect Mom Project

As if I was not already frustrated enough, as I wrote my blog this morning, I accidentally deleted it. I will try to recreate my thoughts for the second time, but I have to say that I am more on edge and less thoughtful then I was with the original post!

I am struggling to get my Christmas spirit this year. Avery and I were out running some errands yesterday afternoon and the song Where Are You Christmas? came on the radio. I had to stop for a moment and listen to the words of the song, it was like listening to my thoughts pour out of the radio. I am not my usual Christmas self, I have no gift lists made, or even any interest in baking holiday goodies. I am even struggling with wanting to shop. I have been out and purchased a few gifts, but my heart is not in it.

Mark suggested this morning that it is because the girls are getting older. The magic and excitment that they once had for Christmas is gone. Without their excitement and enthusiasm, Mark thinks that I am lost. I am not so sure that is the issue. I am sure that some of my lack luster attitude has to do with the girls being older,but I do not think that it accounts for the whole problem. We missed the local tree lighting this year, where Santa rides in on the town fire truck. The girls are just to old to find that exciting anymore. I missed my annual day after Thanksgiving shopping with my girlfriend and our family's crazy tradition of watching the movie "White Christmas" after we decorate the tree. Most of all I am missing my Mom. I am not sure why, she has been out of the holiday picture for many years, but there is something about the finality of it that has me reeling.

Honestly, the last few minutes, I have been pounding on the desk with what I thought was anger about my blog writing disappearing, but my anger was inappropriate for what had happened. The more I sit in this anger the more I realize that everything that I have been keeping inside is coming out. I want to let all the events with my Dad go. I know in my heart that this is all in God's hands and that is where it should be, but my head is full of things that just make me MAD! Real MAD, crazy MAD. My family does not deserve this. I am amazed that one person can hurt so many. This is the domino principal in action!

Tonight,is our annual Holiday Progressive dinner with three couples who are close friends of ours. This is our forth year and the talk is that everyone is on board to keep it going. I hope that time with friends talking and laughing will help ignite some holiday cheer in me. I also hope that my desk pounding, cry fest has helped cleanse my mind a little bit. The saying goes that when you hit bottom, there is no where but up. With that in mind, I should get my "butt up" and go work on my salad course for this evening. It is time to...

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la!

Day 103 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, where did that week go? I am sure that it was only a minute, not a week. I would like to know how I have arrived at Friday, it does not feel like I have accomplished a darn thing this week.

Aly has left for school and she leaves with her school around 11:30 AM today for her drama competition. I hope she has everything she needs. She is at the age now, where she does her own preparing and packing. I just stand back and nibble on my fingers wanting to suggest things to her, but knowing that she has to do this on her own. I won't lie to you, I did stick my nose into her business yesterday when I suggested that what she was planning on wearing for one of the competitions would not work. Surprisingly, she did not appreciate my two cents at first, but after she poked around her room some more she came up with a more appropriate choice.

I am trying like crazy to once again motivate Avery to clean her room. She would like to have a girlfriend spend the night tomorrow night during the progressive dinner. One of my girlfriends that does the progressive dinner with us has a daughter that Avery has been best friends with since they were tiny little things. It would be great to have them hang out, it would be more fun for Avery, and I would not have to worry about her being alone the whole night, since Aly is gone. The trouble is that Avery goes into her room under the guise that she is going to clean and then she flops down on her bed and start reading. I love that Avery is a reader, do not get me wrong, but she goes overboard with it. She will walk with a book open in front of her, or even stay up till at least midnight on a school night trying to finish a "good book". I know I am very fortunate that she is a reader, but my complaint is that it sometimes voids out other things in her life...for example CLEANING HER ROOM!!

I will just have to have faith that she wants the sleepover as much as I do. I am not cleaning the room, so the only way it will get done is if Avery does it. I repeat, I AM NOT CLEANING HER ROOM. I said that more for my benefit, not Avery's. I would not actually clean her room, but I might stand outside the door and cheer lead her. This time, I need to let her stand or fail based on her own motivation. I will say though, there is a good chance I might walk by and clear my throat from time to time. Without a perfect Mom handbook to guide me , I have to make things up as I go.