Day 68 The Perfect Mom Project

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I have decided that my children have a plan to drive me insane. Recently it seems like one minute they are laughing and talking, even doing things to help each other with their Halloween costumes and the next minute I am in the middle of a teen girl hissy fit!

Last night Mark and I came in from a date night to find the two of our children bickering. We had given both girls some tasks to complete while we were out and apparently, Avery decided to wait until she heard the garage door opening to jump up and do her task. The trouble was that she was mad at Aly for not telling her to do her task. Somehow, it was Aly's fault that Avery had not done what she was supposed to do. WHAT?

I was aggravated that I was walking in feeling happy after my time with my hubby, and BAM, I get shoved into the middle of this hissy fit. I have to tell you it ruined my happy feeling real quick! The worst part is that no matter what I say during these episodes, I am the bad guy because I am taking someones side. Generally during one of these hissy fits, I am accused of liking one over the other or even that I am taking someones side by both of them. I am pretty sure that if they stepped back from this for one minute they would be able to tell, if they both think that I am taking the others side, I am probably not taking any one's side at all! HELLO!

Two things bug me about all of this. First, Mark was upset, suddenly his happy wife was a crabby hag and I felt really bad about that. But, I blame the girls(And you wonder where they get it?). Second, most times after I have invested in getting everyone settled down and happy again, I stay aggravated and crabby. Aly and Avery are somewhere laughing and talking and having a grand old time, and I am stewing over the whole thing and cannot let it go. There is something wrong with this.

I have no idea why the girls are prancing around the best of friends again, and I am still ticked off. This is why I think it is a plot by the girls. I think they are planning to keep me moving back and forth between their fights until I become so confused that they have to cart me off to the funny farm! I am certain that this mad at each other, happy with each other cycle is normal, (at least that is what Mark tells me, but he could be in on the scheme too!) but if I was a Perfect Mom could it be different? I really wish I could talk to a Perfect Mom to find out. Maybe a Perfect Mom would know just the right thing to do with my children that would solve my problem forever. Ahhh, FOREVER, doesn't that sound nice?

Day 67 The Perfect Mom Project

It was so nice having my oldest daughter Ashleigh here yesterday. We did a lot of talking yesterday about many of the things going on in our family right now. Things like my Dad and Great Aunt Nina and we also talked about Ashleigh's sisters Avery and Aly.

Ashleigh shared with me that she thought Avery was getting quite sassy. She was really surprised at how snippy she would get with me at certain times. As we talked I explained to her that it was pretty normal for a thirteen year old to act that way. At thirteen, you are the only one that is ever right about anything and, DUH, your parents are idiots. I still have similar issues with Aly, but the frequency and intensity of these events is much less.


I also explained to Ashleigh that she was much different when she was that age, she really did not go through this phase until much later. She actually started into this the summer before college and continued through it until the middle of her sophomore year of college. I think it was because before Mark and I married, Ashleigh was an only child of a single Mom. I think she always felt she had to be "GOOD" to keep mom happy. She was always very protective of me. Once Mark and I married and he adopted here she still tried to be a good girl and not stir the pot. Trust me she had her moments , but the real adolescent phase, where your parents are clueless, never really set in until much later.



Ashleigh told me that once she got to college, she always felt like I was in her head. Anything that she wanted to do, she would stop and think about whether I would think it was OK. She went so far as to tell me that it was like she was always wearing an invisible bracelet that said WWMD, (What would mom do?). It drove her nuts, because she tried so hard to do the opposite of what I would suggest, and it would blow up in her face. She became frustrated, because horror of horrors, I was right. The best part is that when she would come home and talk to us and confess whatever it was that she had done, we would just look at her and say, "Wow, that is too bad, but we are sure you will straighten this out, you created the mess, so you will need to clean it up." No yelling, no big scene, just flat out, your on your own now. She told me she was shocked. She was so sure that we would yell at her, that she would be full of anxiety driving home.



We were not trying to ignore her troubles, but we felt like she needed to make mistakes just like her dad and I had. She had to look at who she was and where she was and stand in it on her own. We felt like it was the only way she would ever respect herself. If we had jumped in to rescue her from mistakes that she had made, what would we have taught her? There is a chance she would have never learned to stand on her own and take responsibility for her own actions.



There are moments in my life as a Mom I wish I could do over. There are times when Ashleigh and I have had discussions like we did yesterday, that I have told her I wish I had done one thing or another differently with her and the girls, but when she mentioned the idea of the WWMD bracelet, it really struck a chord with me. I realized that Mark and I had actually accomplished what we had set out to do. We had raised a wonderful, respectful, and reflective daughter. Someone that looks back at where she came from and is able to sort the good from the bad and loves her family unconditionally. I really think that that is more then even a perfect mom could ever hope for. I am even thinking about making a couple of bracelets for my younger girls, WWMD...hmn, it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Day 66 The Perfect Mom Project

YAWN...I'm tired. It is a good tired though, I stayed up until midnight visiting with my oldest daughter Ashleigh last night. She came home to visit and she spent the night. My middle daughter Aly had a vocal concert and she was singing a solo. Ashleigh thought it would be fun to see her singing. It was great to have all my little chicks back in the nest together.

A couple of days ago, Aly came to me and said, "Alyssa and Lauren and I are going to stay after school tomorrow and do homework, then we are going to walk down to Younger's (local pub and restaurant) after school and get their dollar burgers. Then I will walk back up to the school and get ready for the vocal concert." That way you do not have to pick me up!" I just looked at her. When did we go from, Mom can I to Mom I'm going to? I thought about saying something to her about that, and then I decided to just keep quiet. I was proud of her for making plans without me prodding her and I did not want to start anything. Honestly, isn't the whole idea of parenting to get your kids ready to fly the nest?

Aly and I have our moments, she and I are very much a like. This can be good and bad, since along with having my fabulous personality, she also has my hot head that suddenly and for no real reason,(sometimes), pops off! I feel I have made leaps and bounds in this area, but this is something I am not willing to take a survey of family members on. However, Aly still needs some work. I am probably not the best person to point it out to her, because it generally starts a parent/child WWF.

Aly has the greatest laugh and smile, she is also a loving, caring and sensitive person. This makes up for the head popping off thing that,(blush) she comes by naturally. I have to say, that at this point in our journey together, some of the good stuff in both of us gets lost. With Aly working her way towards adulthood (and learning to drive, which we have discussed before) and me doing my best to steer her there without incident it can be a very slippery slope at times. All I can hope for is that when she reaches adulthood that she will want to come back home and hang out with her Mom, like Ashleigh did last night. That to me will be the ultimate compliment to our parenting.

I have included a photo today of Aly and I together during our color tour last Sunday. This was a special day with her, Mark and I, and I honestly was thrilled that she was interested in going with us. Maybe this is just a sign of the future. Maybe I'm not so bad after all. With that as inspiration, I will keep plugging away at this parenting thing. I hope it was not just a one time deal. Like Mark has said, "Even a blind squirrel gets a nut once in a while". Thanks Mark, I can always count on you to perk me up.

Day 65 The Perfect Mom Project

The pumpkins are carved...phew! Pumpkin carving is something that Mark does with the girls. I have never been fond of the idea of sticking my hands into the slimy pumpkin and yanking its guts out, YUCK!

When Ashleigh was little, I would carve a pumpkin with her most years. Please note I said most, some years I could not bring myself to stick my hands in the pumpkin. It was always the traditional triangle eyes and crooked teeth style. Even when the youngest girls were little I would help out, but once they were old enough, I opted out of the fun and stood on the sidelines. Pumpkin carving for Mark and the girls is not taken lightly.

Choosing a design for the pumpkin has become just as important as the Halloween costume that they will wear. Just last week, Aly was telling me what she thought her design would be. Since Aly loves singing and preforming, she decided her pumpkin would have music notes on it. She also wanted to add a microphone, which we all talked her out of, because we were not sure how to do that. Avery chose to make her pumpkin Harry Potter. Since she is being Hermine Granger for Halloween, she thought it would be fitting to honor Harry. There was much discussion about how to make him and how to do the lightening bolt on his forehead. Avery was quite proud of the fact that she did most of the pumpkin herself.

I have to say all in all the carving went pretty well. Mark was able to extract the pumpkin seeds from the gooey mess and make his annual batch of toasted pumpkin seeds. The girls ended up with cute pumpkins, and I sat around playing on the computer and folding laundry. Sounds like a hoot doesn't it?

The big picture is that I am glad that Mark takes the time to do these things with the girls. I really think that pumpkin carving will be something that they carry forward and do with their own children one day. We work so hard at trying to raise our kids and make sure that they stay on the straight and narrow, when over all, I wonder if it is just about spending time with them, loving them and encouraging them. This is something that I will be pondering today. Perhaps what might be considered as perfect mothering by some, is really not necessary, maybe we just have to get our hands dirty with our kids and enjoy them. HHHmmmnnnn...something to think about.

Day 65 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I have been looking around at other blogs, and I really like the idea of pictures. I am sure that if your are a regular reader you have noticed the change. I hope that with the photos it will bring a little more personality to my blog. That being said, today's photo will introduce you to my handsome hubby. Mark is really how the whole perfect mom project began. With his help I have 3 children, so I guess we can blame him, or give him credit, depending on the day.

I know in the past I have mentioned that having more children was Mark's idea, and I continue to feel the blessing of his idea everyday. Some days, more then others. Yesterday morning for example, Avery was not pleased with me. She was listening to the radio and they were telling ghost stories. Avery is a lot like her Mom, she does not like anything scary. As Avery turned off the radio, I mentioned to her that I think our loved ones are with us after they pass away. I told her I was certain that her "Nana"(my Mom) was with us now. That was it, I got the "Thanks Mom", "Way to freak me out" comment.

My intention was not to freak Avery out, I just have a strong feeling that my Mom is here with us. I suppose if I had talked to her about this a month ago, or even two weeks from now it would not have freaked her out quite as much, but considering that Halloween is just a few days away, I think she is very sensitive to anything that seems spooky. I can not imagine that if my Mom is here that she plans to do anything gruesome or scary, but I think it best for now that I keep my mouth shut. I do not want to end up with my 13 year old daughter in bed with me, because she is scared!

I am going to have to make the most of the next 300 days, at the rate I am going, I am going to need every single one of those days to get on board with this Perfect Mom thing. I hope to get through Halloween without any more trouble. It really is bad form for me to be scaring my own kids. Tonight is pumpkin carving, which is Mark's gig with the kids, so that gets me off the hook (for a little while anyway).

Day 64 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a beautiful Fall day, the kind you hope will come along so that you can take a drive or walk and enjoy the colors. That is just what we did. After picking Avery up

from her sleepover Mark and I asked the girls if they would like to join us for a color tour. Aly was the only one that wanted to join us for our adventure. Avery was dragging after her long night of hanging out with her girlfriends, and felt that a color tour was not something that sounded anywhere near fun. So off the three of us went. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed our time together. I remember laughing and enjoying the sights that Mother Nature had set out before us. I have posted a picture on todays blog of one of the moments that we shared. This time on our Fall color tour left me with a lovely Fall glow.

When we got back home, Mark and I decided to walk our dog over to the local cider mill and orchard, so that I could get my annual carmel apple. I am not sure why I do this every year. As usual, I was disappointed. It just was not how I remember caramel apples from my childhood. I have to say though that I am proud of myself for not giving up hope that someday it will be how I remember caramel apples to be.

Once we got back home, I began my making dinner ritual. At some point the girls started bickering. There was a lot of yelling (OK, I admit some yelling was from me) and crying and even some comments about how we favor one over the other. For Mom's sake people, knock it off! I am not sure how it started or why, I just wanted my glorious day back. That is pretty typical though, you are going along, having a wonderful day and thinking you may have finally overcome the dysfunction in your family and BAM!

Mark and I were able to get the two girls separated and calmed down after some intense parenting moments. However, my Fall glow was gone until I was able to look at the photos from our drive. I guess that is what is so great about life, you always get the good with the bad. Since today is Monday, I am going to use my Fall glow to jump start my week. This is the week of Halloween, so I am going to need all the help I can get to make it through. As usual, there is a long list of things going on here and one of them is the carving of pumpkins. All I can do is jump in with both feet and hopefully land on some firm perfect mom ground. Only time will tell.

Day 63 The Perfect Mom Project

When I started this project a couple of months ago, it was to help me come to terms with the death of my Mom and our relationship and also to help me take a look at my relationship with my own children. My greatest desire is to not repeat the mistakes that I feel my Mom made as she raised me. It seems that the range of this project is widening. I am now dealing with my Dad having cancer and the possibility that he may not be with us much longer, in addition I continue to struggle with how quickly he moved on to a new relationship.

In recent days I have found my heart softening to the new relationship in particular. I am not to the point where I would condone it, or even recommend it, (for example to my own husband) but in a way I am glad that there is someone there that can help take care of him now. He took care of my Mom for many years as she went through Alzheimer's and Cancer. I have not always agreed with the choices that he made with her, but she trusted him and most of all she married him, so it really was not my call.

Now, with Dad facing his own struggles its comforting to know he has someone there to look after him and what he needs. I still do not feel I will ever understand why he made the choices he made in regards to this new relationship, but it is best for me if I release this in order to be a better daughter to him and better sister to my siblings and a better wife and mother here at home. My husband and children need my whole heart and mind. I too, need my whole heart and mind. I find myself more in need of time with Mark and the girls, and less interested in the outside world and friends. I almost feel like I have put on a protective armour that seals out the things around me that are uncomfortable.

I know I am not who I was a year ago at this time. I was involved in many things in our school district, and I was constantly planning time with many of my friends. Now, I spend a lot of time thinking and trying to work through who I am and why I am. It all sounds very weighty and important, but I really think it is, over all, just part of the healing process. I know my plate is full, but I also know that it will not always be this way.

My Mom use to tell me "In five years it will all be different". While that is somewhat simplistic, I know that in five years, my youngest children will be out of high school and going to college, so I had best move past the bitterness and sadness and focus on the little sliver of time that I still have with them. If I have done nothing else in my life, I have found a wonderful life partner in Mark, and we have 3 wonderful girls each with their own incredibly fantastic personality. So in the weeks and months to come, while I am working on becoming a perfect mom, I will also be working on just being me. In the big picture, maybe just being me, will help me get through this whole being a Mom thing. I will let you know how it all works out!

Day 62 The Perfect Mom Project

My head and heart continue to be full. I have thoughts of my Dad (Stepfather)and family turning over and over in my head. Much of the news we have received lately has not been very good. We know that his cancer has spread from his lung and is now in his hip. The hard part is that despite the two biopsies, they have not been able to tell him what type of cancer it is yet. A new biopsy was done yesterday, along with them taking a bone chip from his hip. We should know more in about 48 hours.

I continue to have an internal struggle, one minute I am heading out to New Orleans and the next minute I am not. At least until yesterday, when I received an email from one of my sisters, reminding me that there is a very good chance that this will be his last Thanksgiving. Since everyone else is going down to New Orleans, she thinks I will regret it if I do not go as well. This hit me very hard. While I still struggle with some of his recent life choices, I believe that this is an opportunity to make peace with him and let it go. I know that there would be things during this family Thanksgiving, that might send me over the edge, but I think I would regret not taking this opportunity to spend time with my Dad and siblings.

I think I also have to remind myself that this man is my children's Papa. The girls will need a chance to see him as well. We have discussed as a family the recent choices he has made and the girls know that it has been difficult for me, but Mark and I have also reminded them that no matter what he is still their Papa.

All in all, if we can work it out, I think it would be best to go to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. First I think it will be an easier visit if everyone is there at the same time. Second, it diffuses my time with my Dad's girlfriend. I would not be left alone to sit with her and visit. I know at some point I have to let this go. If I continue to carry this hostility around, it will continue to eat its way into other parts of my life. I do not have to like what he has done, but for my own sake, I have to learn to live with it.

Today, I hope to talk with Mark about our options. I am not sure if we can pull this trip off or not. I do know that we need to make a decision one way or the other and move on. It is playing havoc with my brain. I feel a little schizophrenic, with "I'm going, I'm not going" constantly playing in my head. I hope that by making a decision and seeing it through I can move on. I know you are thinking that it is not possible, but I have to have faith. Without faith, I've got nothing!

Day 61 The Perfect Mom Project

Here it is, Friday. I am amazed each and every week how fast the time is flying by. It seems a real shame that the times we look forward to the most(the weekends), are some of the busiest times of our week.

Starting with this afternoon, we will be running hither and yon (I am not sure why I am using that term, it just came to me and I like it). It starts off today, once Aly gets home from school. She is heading to a friends house until late in the evening, and then tomorrow starts with our last soccer game (HOORAY!) and ends with both girls heading to birthday parties.

The hard part is that somewhere in this Mark and I would like to have a life too. I know, its crazy, but we think that we should have a little fun. We are going to try to get together with some friends of ours on Saturday. All you can do is just push through every ones agenda. I know it is just a few short years until my last two children are in college and Mark and I our spending every moment together. It is probably a good thing that we like each other.

The other day Mark and I were chatting about a meeting we had coming up with my Aunt Nina. She is staying in a nursing home right now, and we are helping to manage her affairs for her. Mark and I were discussing the time and details. Avery happened to be in the room, and asked "Who is the meeting for?" I replied with great sarcasm, "Me Avery, who do you think?" Avery then started laughing and said "I hope not Mom, I hope that you are not in a nursing home until after I leave for college!" To which I replied, "How the heck old do you think I am Avery?" "I think there is a good chance I will make it a little longer then that, I am only 49 for peat's sake!"

I think since my children are already angling to get me into a nursing home, I had better live it up now. They are cramping my style though, with all of the activities that they have going on. I guess I will just have to suck it up and make do with the little scraps of time that are thrown my way. I am pretty sure, that is what a perfect mom would do. OK, maybe I am just somewhat sure. Alright, I know a perfect mom would be devoted to her children...maybe I will just try to be perfect Monday through Friday and take the weekends off. Yeah, I like that idea.

Day 60 The Perfect Mom Project

Well today is an exciting day! This is day 60 of my project. Quite the under taking when you think about it. I still have 305 more days to go, but since it takes 21 days to make a habit, I am there almost 3 times over. Woo Hoo me!! On top of that I am trying something new today. I am emailing my post into the blog site. I set this up yesterday, and I am curious how it will go. I thought it would be a good way to stay in touch with my blog, if I have to go out of town. So you will have to bear with me as I try out some new technology stuff on you. I know I am really leaping light years ahead with this one, try to keep up!

Just to keep you in the loop, I should let you know that I did let Aly drive home when I picked her up from school yesterday. It actually went very well. We both behaved and we arrived home in one piece, all in all a good trip. I know that I still have one more child to get through with drivers training, so I do not want to burn out yet, but I do come very close some days. If it was not for the fact that if they do not learn to drive, I will have to drive them everywhere, I might pass on drivers training all together, but that would only make things worse here as they get older. I guess it is sort of like the driving circle of life.

Another issue that has come up recently, is Avery’s bus ride to and from school. I am carpooling with another Mom right now for rides to school, but Avery still has to take the 45 minute bus ride home after school from a school that is less then 5 minutes away. On top of that it is such a long ride that Avery is about over the edge when she gets home. Apparently, the kids on the middle school bus are very immature. They swear, throw gum and basically act like a bunch of, well…middle schoolers. Avery has zero patience for it. On the one hand I am glad, it does say something about her character, but on the other hand I want her to suck it up and just deal with it. The hard part is if it was 20 minutes it probably would not bother her as much, but 45 minutes is a lot of time to be jammed into a bus with kids that are annoying. I know this, because I have ridden the bus on school field trips, yuck!

We are going to try to make the best of it. I am not happy about the whole thing, but our school district (like every school district these days) is trying to save money. I was just happy when I complained because her bus stop was out of my sight, and they switched it back to where it use to be. I am not sure if they would even listen if I complain about the length of time she is on the bus. I figure I can do this carpooling thing for now, because when she starts high school next year, there is no way I will want to take my car up to the car jungle that is the high school!

Oh well, another crazy day. Looking forward to putting my feet up tonight and it is only morning. One thing about being busy, the day goes by very fast. This should be a quick one today. Off to drive my little nonswearing, well behaved middle schooler to school, lucky me!

Day 59 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I have decided that when kids take drivers training, that they should have a class at the same time for parents. I am in conflict every time I drive with my driver in training. If we are riding along, and something is done that I think, DANGER, DANGER! My driver in training tells me that they told her she could do that in drivers training class. Apparently some things have changed in the 30 years since I got my licence.

Yesterday, as Aly drove me through our town, we came upon a stop sign. Rather then stopping right at the sign like I have always done she went through the sign and stopped right at the crosswalk several feet forward. When I mentioned to her ( I honestly did this with the utmost calm) that you should stop at the stop sign, she told me that that is not what they taught her in drivers training. Well, this would be a good time for a parent refresher course, because I think if I did that same move, I would get a ticket. If I had my trusty completion form from the, Drivers Training Parent Refresher course, I would be all set to explain to the officer when he pulled me over that he is incorrect and he needs to go back for more drivers training.

I am sure that you know that after that things went down hill. Aly was upset and immediately wanted to pull over and trade drivers. I explained to her that we were not going to do our own version of a Chinese fire drill and that she could make it home. That is pretty much the last time we spoke, other then my telling her if she was going to be that crabby she could go to bed.

This is why I believe that if I had a class of my own, I would be more prepared to ride along with my driver in training. Even if it was a class where we could watch through two way glass as our kids are learning. This could be a whole new dynamic in drivers training. Maybe they could offer classes like, "How to stay calm when you think you are going to die" , or Positive reinforcement without swearing". These are just a couple of suggestions, but you get the idea.

All I can do is start over again today. I am not one to give up easily, I will keep at it until Aly has her licence, or I am so scared I cannot get back in the car. I do think that she gets very nervous with me in the car, she would prefer to ride with Mark, but quite honestly if she only rides with Mark there is a good chance she will be a senior in high school before she gets her licence. She has a lot more opportunity to get her drive time in with me. So, today is a new day, and I am going to give it another go with Aly. After all, I am still making my way towards perfect motherhood and if I cannot help my daughter to learn to drive, I may not make it to perfection. I will just have to keep a postive attitude. I will work on keeping a stupid grin on my face today. Perhaps it will help hide when I am scared.

Day 58 The Perfect Mom Project

I am kind of proud of myself. I have been cooking some darn good dinners! Things like homemade Beef Barley soup, and Lasagna. Tonight I am cooking a roast in the crock pot. I have rediscovered my love of cooking. I am not sure what happened, but it started when I pulled out some old cooking magazines.

I have two reasons to be happy. The first reason is that it makes my family happy that I am cooking good meals again. The second reason is that I like cooking, and I am enjoying finding the recipes and shopping for the things I need, and then preparing them for my family.

I still find myself a little defensive. I wait to see who is going to pick the dinner, and who is going to say something derogatory. So far, it has not been to bad. Nothing to upsetting, Avery does a lot of picking, but she is not a huge meat eater, so that's part of it. I hate that feeling, when the family does not like a meal. At one point a couple of years ago I refused to tell the kids what I was making for dinner, because I could not stand the comments and faces they would make if they did not like it. It always took the wind right out of my cooking sails.

Perhaps this new cooking season finds all of us a little more mature. I know I am trying real hard to make something yummy most nights, and that helps, but I like that I am not hearing to many negatives too! It helps spur me on to the next great meal. Hey, maybe that's all part of their plan. They are lulling me into a sense of confidence. I really do not care what it is, I like it! I hope it lasts a little while longer, I am just hitting my stride with this whole meal thing and I do not want anything to blow it! You will also be happy to know I have been able to keep bread in the house...Hmmmn...you know what, I better check that I do not want to get caught off guard again. Once again this whole perfection takes work, this is not for sissies.

Day 57 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday, as I was looking through a store advertisement, I noticed that planted between the Halloween costumes and Halloween candy ads in the front and the household items in the back, there was a whole section advertising toys. Toys in the ad can only mean one thing...Christmas is coming.

Ironically, as I walked with my girlfriends this morning the topic turned to Christmas. We talked about how it would be here in no time. We talked a little about who we might shop for and what we might shop for. I just cannot help but think the whole thing is crazy! Can we please get through Halloween, before you start with Christmas! I am not ready for the stress and anxiety that Christmas tends to bring. Things like, where to go and who to see. What to get my kids for Christmas and what to get for Mark.

I also cannot forget the all important issue of money. We have already planned a nice family trip for next spring and we are sinking a good amount of cash into that, so I think Mark and I are all set, but you cannot tell your kids that. They will not get it. Several years ago we took the kids to Florida for Christmas. We took them to Disney a couple of the days (one of the days included a tornado, that was fun). The only gifts that they got that year were small and they seemed fine with that, but this is a little different. Spring is a long way off and I still want to get them a few things for Christmas. I am just not sure if my bank account will agree to it. My oldest Ashleigh and her husband Scott are not going on this trip, so I do have to think about them and then there are various other family members we need to think of.

STOP!!

Can you see what happens, I start talking about how I cannot believe that there are already ads with toys and people are talking about Christmas, and the next thing you know...I am off on a tangent! The point is, that time goes fast enough, I do not want to push it along even faster. This is not going to be easy though. I am pretty sure that the media and the whole retail system are against me. I am going to have to keep my whits about me. Being a mom with a mission for the next few weeks. I will try to do my part to not get caught up in the holiday frenzy yet. It will not be easy, because any good mom knows that right after Halloween, after the kids have filled up on sugar, they start making their Christmas lists. Perhaps if I do not mention it, they will forget all about Christmas. Wish me luck with that!

Day 56 The Perfect Mom Project

It is Sunday morning. The house is quiet, but my mind is is not. I cannot seem to stop thinking these days. We are still waiting to hear a final prognosis on my Dad (Stepfather) and that is whirling around in my mind.

My 92 year old Great Aunt is at the nursing home annoyed, because we have told her that she cannot go home right now. We want to wait and see what is happening with my Dad (Stepfather) first. If things look good on his end, then we will be more able to deal with my blind and deaf Aunt roaming around her house. We had hoped that she would decide to stay at the nursing home on her own, but she kept doing the decision push off onto us.

I knew at the time, that if she made the decision on her own she would have to live with it, and I was trying to keep my mouth shut so that she would have the responsibility for what was decided, but when everything came up about my Dad (Stepfather), we did not think we could handle her being home and worrying about what was going on there too. Now she is resentful. I knew this would happen, but it was unavoidable.

Here I am trying to be a good wife, mother, Great niece and daughter, with all those balls in the air, one is going to drop every so often. Even today I am letting my oldest daughter Ashleigh down. We had planned for a couple of months that we were going to run a 5K race together today with our husbands and Ashleigh's best friend and her husband. It was all planned, we were all training and getting excited...BAM! My life starts careening out of control with family stuff and I bale on her. I just could not bring myself to drive the two hours to the race, and the two hours home. Honestly, I am having a tough time just being around people right now. I feel like I need to be in a cocoon. I have told Ashleigh that her dad and I will still run the race at home today, but I know it is not the same and that she is hurt and disappointed.

I am sure if you did a survey today, many of my friends and family are feeling hurt and disappointed. There are things that I had told my youngest children that we would do, and now I am having to revamp that as well. Mark, is getting the fall out too. He gets to hear me wonder everyday what I should do next in this incredible saga. Any shot at romance and time together, turns into me thinking and becoming frustrated.

I am so worried about doing the wrong thing, and saying the wrong thing. Should I go to New Orleans or shouldn't I? If I do go to New Orleans how do I handle myself with Dad's (Stepfather) girlfriend/home wrecker? Should we let my Great Aunt go home or not? Do we have enough money or not? Am I going crazy or not? All I can do right now is wonder. There is a good chance that all this will not matter soon, because I am certain that I will be hauled away to the funny farm!

I am hoping that a good long prayer today will help sort some of this out. I can only assume that all this is on my plate, because I have not given some of it up to God yet. I will give prayer a try. I am really no where near perfect right now, I hope that my family will keep me around anyway.

Day 55 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night Mark and I found ourselves looking at old pictures of our family. Some were funny, and some brought back great memories. You forget how darn cute your kids were. There were pictures of vacations and also pictures of events, we have been a very busy family. I think sometimes we get so caught up in moving forward in our lives that we do not savor the special times we have together.

Aly, came to me the other night upset, because she had a writing project for school. She had to write about a childhood memory and she told me she could not remember anything from her childhood. Now, in the past I would not have believed her, but I had been through this with her Dad a few years ago.

Mark and I were taking a marriage enrichment course through a local church. During the course we were asked to have various conversations about our lives to help each other understand why we thought like we did about many topics. One of the topics was our childhood. Mark insisted through the whole course that he could not remember anything about his childhood. I thought he was a big fat liar, and that he just did not want to participate in the course. Great, here we are trying to enrich our marriage, and instead we are fighting! After some heated exchanges, I started to realize that he sincerely did not have a lot of memories to share.

As we chatted last night about Aly not having memories, we discussed our past situation with the marriage course. Mark feels that when you have an uneventful childhood, with no major traumatic situations and no real troubles, that you do not have a memory store to draw from. Mark thinks that those of us that have had a more difficult up bringing have memories because of our troubles. He thinks this happens for two reasons. First, the bad memories, since you spend years trying to understand them and move past them, and second the good memories are so few and far between that you hang on to those as though they are something special and worth treasuring.

I am not sure if I agree with his thoughts on this, but it has given me something to think about. I am wondering if I am a better person today, because I can remember my childhood and do not want to repeat some of those mistakes. I am also wondering if the life that my children have been leading has stunted them somehow. Can you imagine thinking all along that you are the perfect mom, doing all the right things and then to learn that your children remember none of it, because they had such a great childhood? It makes me question this whole quest of mine.

I really was a little taken aback when Aly was getting frustrated about having such a good childhood that she remembered none of it. All I kept thinking was "Boo hoo, poor you!" "I am here working like a dog to make your life a good one and you are disappointed anyway. What the heck?" At this point, it is probably not worth changing my game plan with the kids. I am not a perfect mom yet, so there is still a chance that I can do something really crappy that they will remember later in their lives. In the mean time I will be pulling out all the photo albums and walking my kids down memory lane. It is the least I can do, since I am the one that has stunted them. You know, this perfect mom thing can really be a pain sometimes!

Day 54 The Perfect Mom Project

An interesting story came up yesterday. A little 6 year old boy in Colorado was said to have taken off in his families(they are amateur storm chasers)weather balloon. The balloon was 20 feet long and 5 feet high. His brothers said that they had seen him climb into the balloon and then saw it take off. The national media grabbed on to the story and followed the balloon as it traveled for the next two hours. All the while everyone fearing for this little boys life.

Once the balloon landed safely it was discovered that he was not in the balloon and then the media started speculating about whether or not the boy had fallen out of the balloon, and a search began for the little boy. About 5 hours into this, the little boy came walking out, he had been in the garage attic, afraid that his parents were mad at him for releasing the balloon, he had hidden away. This was a relief, but then the media started speculating on whether or not it was a hoax. There was also a lot of comments about the parents and how they were not watching the children. There was actually a lot of negative comments about the parents.

This event had me thinking how many times with my own children I have made decisions that I thought were fine and then realized too late that it was probably a bad idea. Once when my oldest daughter, Ashleigh, was about 6 years old, I stopped at the grocery store. I was planning to run in grab some milk and head right home, a quick stop. As I was getting out of the car, I said to Ashleigh "Stay here, do not get out of the car, I will be right back". I ran in to the store, got the milk I needed and ran out. As I was walking into the parking lot I see Ashleigh with the car window rolled down, standing up on the car seat waving at me yelling " Hi Mommy!" I was furious, "What are you doing?!?" Ashleigh replied, "You said not to get out of the car."

Another time, I watched as my cute little 3 year old Aly packed her little backpack with food. She was packing little boxes of raisins and other snack foods. I thought to myself how cute she was and went back to whatever I was doing. Some time later, my neighbor knocked on the door, when I opened it he handed me Aly and little 18 month old Avery. They had decided to run away with his daughter who was 5 years old at the time. He had caught them all walking hand and hand down the street.

There are so many of these moments in my child rearing life, that I am embarrassed. However, that's what kids do. As parents we are not able to police every waking moment of a child's day. It would be great if we could, but it is just not realistic. Listening to the commentators on the television last night calling this families parenting style into question really made me angry. All the details are not out yet about what exactly happened, and hopefully it was just an innocent childhood mistake. If that is the case, I do not think we need to beat up the parents. First of all they are already beating themselves up. Second of all, Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.

Making my way towards perfect parenting has suddenly become a little distasteful. I do not want to become someone that thinks that everything I do is right. I am kind of happy loping along somewhat imperfect if it means that I can see life as it really is. Life is sometimes messy and complicated. Things do not always go like we want them too. Your kids hear you telling them not to do things and they do them anyway. Ahhhh...I think I will reflect on all of this today and enjoy the fact that I am less then perfect for a change!

Day 53 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday afternoon, I took Avery to the Salvation Army store to look for a skirt for her Halloween costume. Avery has decided she wants to be Hermione Granger from Harry Potter. It sounds simple enough doesn't it? However, Avery wants every detail exact. I have said more than once that it is a Halloween costume and it does not have to be perfect, but Avery looks at me like I just don't get it. I really hate that look! You know the one, your child makes this face that is a cross between disgust and annoyance.

Avery has been talking about Halloween since last spring. Even this summer she mentioned Halloween several times. I think for someone that loves sugar as much as she does, Halloween is practically a religious experience. She starts planning her costume for the next Halloween the day after Halloween!

I remember about 4 years ago, I convinced Avery she should be a box of popcorn. It was so cute, we took a box and I painted it with red and white stripes and put the word POPCORN on it with stencils. I then added some straps to hold it up. To top it off I glued popcorn to a hat for her to wear. Oh my gosh, she looked so cute! The only problem was that she could not sit down, and then when it came time to trick or treat, she could not run with the other kids and she kept getting left behind. For someone that lives for Halloween and trick or treating, this was devastating!

I think it is the popcorn box year that she decided to fire me from her costume department. More recently the things that she has come up with, I just have to shake my head. Last year Avery was a baby for Halloween. We bought her an inexpensive pair of footie PJ's, (by the way, where are those?) and then went to the dollar store for a bib and pacifier. She pays very close attention to detail, nothing is left out. It is actually very annoying, but I would rather her be happy with this and have fun, then put on a sweatshirt that says Sweet tart and go out with no enthusiasm.

I remember telling Ashleigh in 8th grade that she was too old to trick or treat and I made her stay home and pass out candy. Now, here is my youngest in 8th grade, getting a ride, here and there and getting financial backing for her Halloween costume. What has happened to me? I think that by the time your last child gets old enough, all the fight is out of you. You start saying yes to everything. I am going to have to be careful though, there are somethings I cannot give in to. I am not sure what they are right now, but when I think of it, I am going to put my foot down! For now, I am having fun watching her pull this all together, so I am not going to be to hard on myself. Hey, even perfect people change their mind once in a while, so I guess I can too. My other children will just have to get over it. Perhaps they will write a book about how The Perfect Mom failed her children, by giving into the youngest child. Please, that is old news, I think that story is hundreds of years old.

Day 52 The Perfect Mom Project

Here is the text I received yesterday morning after Aly left for school, "I love you Mom". The words were actually spelled out and everything. This came on the heels of another heated discussion. I cannot actually remember what it was about. I think it was a potpourri of things. Perhaps it was all the leftover annoyances from the last few days. Regardless, we were clawing and spitting at each other, bright and early.

I had gotten up and decided that I would make some Break and Bake cookies for the family lunches. I had decided at the store to pick these up as a fun alternative to the package cookies, which get vacuumed into my family's stomachs. Seriously, a package of cookies barely is opened and it is gone! So here I was trying to do something nice and I was battling with my daughter. This was not the happy homemaker scene I had hoped for at all! I kept plugging away at my task and tryed to stay focused on not chasing Aly out the door with the broom. As Aly was preparing to leave, I handed her a foil wrapped package of warm cookies from the oven and told her to have a good day. A few minutes later after the bus had picked her up she sent me the text message.

I have to say I was caught off guard. I figured that we would continue to battle it out when she got home. I even thought that no matter what I do, it is not enough for my kids sometimes, and then Aly surprised me. I responded back to her, knowing that she would not get it until after school. I felt it important to take this olive branch she was extending and extend one back to her. I wrote to her " I know u do. I always love u Aly. We need to talk through stuff. Life is too short to waste one day mad!", and with that the fire was out.

I give Aly a lot of credit. It is never easy to let the grip of anger go, especially when you are a teenager and your parent is really making you mad. For Aly to make the choice to let it go without one of her parents on her back, shows that she is growing up. I know we have more battles ahead, but I also know that there is hope in sight. I will be clinging to this olive branch for awhile and I will remind myself about it from time to time, when I think all hope is lost. I have to say that this event has helped me to realize that I may not have the whole perfect mom thing down yet, but there is hope for this family.

Day 51 The Perfect Mom Project

I think I may have taken a back slide in my Perfect Mom foothold. It all started when the phone rang about 2:30 PM yesterday afternoon, Aly was on the other end of the line, "Hi Mom, can you pick me up later, I have play practice today." It sounds so innocent doesn't it?

The rest of the story is that I had asked Aly for several days when play practice would be starting and I also had asked her to get me the play packet since I could not go to the parent meeting. So, when the phone rang, it is fair to say that I was not pleased. The thing is, Aly did not seem the slightest bit apologetic, she called like she would to share any information of no importance. I told her I would pick her up at 4:00 PM and then I hung up. Now, I had an hour and a half to stew about the call.

Here is the thing. I joke about being a taxi service, but I had the feeling that my daughter actually thought I could run and get her on a whim. Just pick up the phone and Mommy will come running. I have nothing better to do then to wait around until my children call for me. Ah, not going to happen!

Once at the school I waited calmly until the unsuspecting child got into the car and then I let her have it! "Aly, I am not a taxi service, you can not just call and have me pick you up for something that I asked for information about a week ago." " I am not on stand by." Apparently, she had not expected that I would be upset. She seemed shocked and told me how busy her school day was and how she could not get the information that I had asked for. I explained to her that If she had to go early or stay late to get the information it is better then waiting until the last minute and expecting me to make it all work for her.

How do I get my children to understand that I was not put on earth to make sure that their life runs smoothly. It is not my job to make sure they have their homework, lunch or gym shoes (sorry, that's an old one, but it still bugs me!). How will they ever learn to live in this world if they do not take responsibility now for getting information they need to get through their day? If my kids think that they can snap their fingers and Mommy will come running, then we have some work to do at the hacienda!

I know that in perspective this is a simple thing and not a big deal, but if I do not insist on her taking responsibility right now for the things that she wants or needs, we are going to have a real mess on our hands down the road. There is still some conversation ahead about this, because I feel this showed a real lack of respect. I do not want to raise my daughter with the expectation that she is the center of the universe and the rest of us are her minions here to do her bidding. If that was how it worked, I would be working that angle myself! I have been here a lot longer and have been through a lot more! Anyway, as you can see it is still a tender wound and I am in the process of healing it. I will just have to work my way back up the parenting rope today. I am poised and ready for picking up Aly at the set time and hopefully she will appreciate my efforts. That's all I can hope for.

Day 50 The Perfect Mom Project

Back to reality today, it's Monday. Yesterday went pretty well, we had a few bumps in the road with Aly. Having been up very late after the dance, she was not very chipper, but we did get to spend some time as a family playing cards and visiting. All in all it was a good day.

The highlight for me was taking Avery along to do a little grocery shopping. Since we were out and about, I suggested that we visit a department store and see if we could get a deal on a cute dress for her to wear to the 8th grade dance in December. She had her mind made up that she was going to wear a dress she already had, and I worried that she would be sad when she got to the dance and all her friends had on new cute dresses! I explained to her that we would just see if there was anything that she liked better, but there was no pressure.

I think Avery tried on about four different dresses. Two of the dresses were darn cute, and one of the dresses made its way home with us. It was so cute to see her swirling around and feeling so pretty and feminine. I was so glad she had been willing to see what was out there. Avery is my girl that really does not care what others think about her, and she does not ever really get dressed worrying about fashion. That seems to be changing a little as she gets older, but over all she is her own person. Sometimes I celebrate that, and sometimes it drives me nuts! The fact that we went shopping, had fun doing it and came home with a dress is absolutely amazing.

I look forward to the weeks ahead as we hunker down and get into Fall. We have a little breather right now with no big events on the horizon. I hope that we can enjoy this little window and relax some. Maybe we can squeeze in a bonfire or long leisurely drive. Something to help us reset our body clocks from the stress of the busy summer and early Fall. I know I have my expectations set high, but a girl can dream can't she? I need to get going, I have cleaning to do today. This is not the house a Perfect Mom would live in right now!

Day 49 The Perfect Mom Project

Well Homecoming is over...phew, the game, the dance, everything. Now we can move on to bigger and better things, which according to Avery is Halloween.

Aly spent a good amount of time on her preparations for the dance yesterday. There were only a couple of tense moments. We did a couple of things different with her hair from the original run through last weekend, and I am not sure that was a good idea, but she still looked beautiful. One of her friends invited all the girls to her house for dinner before hand and another invited all the girls back to her house for a sleepover after the dance. It will be a very tired daughter that is returned to me later today. I am so happy that Aly has friends that enjoy going to the school activities. It was always fun for me to get involved in the school events. Watching her get involved and seeing her so excited is a real thrill!

Both of the girls went to the Homecoming game on Friday night in the pouring rain. They actually stayed a lot longer then I thought they would. Once they got home though they both needed a hot bath to warm up. I have to say that being in the cold and rain is not my cup of tea, but as long as they are having fun, I am good with it.

There is so much going on in our life right now that if there is a chance to stop and have some fun, we are going to take it! Life is short and every minute counts, so I am not going sit around boo hooing over everything when I could be spending time with my family. I am not sure what a perfect Mom would do, but today this Mom is doing things her way!

Day 48 The Perfect Mom Project

Where am I? Who am I? My head is spinning! Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotion. One minute we were leaving for New Orleans again and the next we were not. Finally Mark and I talked about it and he just said "stop!" Enough is enough, my daughter was looking forward to my being here for her and she comes first right now. We never got a clear diagnosis on my Stepfather (Dad) yesterday and apparently, they are going to do another biopsy on him on Monday.

I think I need to just opt out on all the running around. It is playing havoc with my emotions and the more I hear about what is going on down there, the more upset I get. I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to to protect what my interests are there. Things like all the family heirlooms that are in the house there, that are from my Mom and my Grandparents. I also can not stomach meeting the women that is now living in my mothers house and acting like it is her house. On top of the fact that this same woman and her mother were hired by my Stepfather (Dad) to care for my Mom last year. I am really not sure a face to face with her is a good idea.

I am certain that my Stepfather (Dad) has lost his mind. There really is no explanation for his behavior. He has told his girls that he is leaving the house, his Cadillac, his 401k and life insurance policy to this woman. Who does that? What the heck is he thinking. Plus, I also just found out that she is younger then me, and just a couple years older then one of my sisters. Yuck! The whole thing has my heart pounding. Obviously going down there right now is not the right choice for me.

I need to refocus on my children and make them my priority. When we know more about his condition I will evaluate if a trip down is a good idea. Right now I need to help Aly get ready for the Homecoming dance. Hopefully, Aly and Avery are warmed up after watching the homecoming game in the pouring rain last night. I am looking forward to our time together to day. Spending this time with my kids is what it is all about!

Day 47 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, the road trip is on hold. I am kind of glad, since it felt a little like a Thelma and Louise type of trip. I am also happy that I will be here to help my beautiful Aly get ready for homecoming. Those moments are so special and fly by so fast, I do not want to miss any of them if I can help it.

I took it as a sign when I took my car in for an oil change to prepare it for the trip and they told me I needed a new water pump. My Sister (step) took her car in for an oil change and she had a broken tie rod. Our other Sister (step) has a lease car and that would put a lot of miles on it, so... now we wait. There is still no real firm diagnosis for my Stepfather (Dad) since the sample that was taken was not showing a clear result. There may have to be another biopsy on Monday, depending on how it goes today when they retest the sample. It is a waiting game now. It has been decided that we will try to go down when he knows more on his end. PHEW!

Today I will go in and have my water pump replaced on my car. My Sister is having her car worked on at the same place, at the same time, so perhaps we can talk about all of this a little more. Duh, perhaps? You know we will be talking about all of this. I keep hoping to make sense of some of the decisions that my Stepfather (Dad) is making. I do not think it is even possible, this has really become a real life soap opera.

So, I will focus on my kids and their lives for a few hours this weekend and I am so happy for that chance. Being a mom is one of the most fulfilling things that I have ever done, it is also one of the toughest. I came to the mothering table with no real job skills, but I think I am getting some great on the job training. I can only hope to make it through the hair and makeup portion of homecoming preparations without a mother/daughter cat fight. I think it is always good to have goals, don't you?

Day 46 The Perfect Mom Project

My head is spinning. In the next few hours it will be decided whether my Stepsisters and I will drive down to be with my Dad (Stepfather) in New Orleans. He will learn today what his prognosis is and there is a feeling that it would be good to be there for him. My head is full of many things.

I want to be there for the girls (Stepsisters/sisters), this is a difficult time and there is already tension about some of the provisions that are being made in case of his death. I do not feel this is the time to get into any of that, but I also know that it is important to have everything worked out and understood. Mark told me last night that he wishes when people died that they had just spent their last penny. It would save a lot of struggles in families. I watched my Mom and Dad (Stepfather) fight over my Grandparents estate with my cousins and it was not pretty. I really saw the greedy side of my parents and I to this day think of the money as dirty.

I am also leaving my husband and children if we head down there. This is homecoming weekend and Aly and I have been working on getting her ready to go to the dance. We have a very pretty dress, which I spoke about a while back, and we did a test run on her hair last week. There is the rub. If I go, who will do her hair? Who will get teary eyed and tell her how pretty she looks? I want so much to be here for her, yet I know I must go.

I am also very concerned about some of the things that are coming up right now between the sisters. You see many years ago, probably about 12 years ago actually, My Stepfather adopted me. At the time it was touted as an emotional thing, but as time went on I realized it was about my parents will. They wanted everything to be fair and even between all of us. Well, all I can say to that is good luck! Already there are concerns and worries being discussed. I am very upset by it. This man even with all his flaws and poor choices does not deserve this right now! And on top of all that, what the heck am I? His child, or stepchild? The girls sister, or am I their stepsister. What part am I to play in this?

That is why with God's help I hope to go with them and work towards a calm resolution to as much of this as possible. This money cannot be allowed to tear apart another family. It is just stuff and it will never fill the whole that is left when he is gone. I know, because as you know, I am still trying to fill the very small hole that my Mom left behind for me.

Mostly, I want to make sure that all my bases are covered today, so that if it is decided that we are heading out to New Orleans, my family will be OK. I mean really, what will they do if the taxi driver, cook, cleaning lady and fashion coordinator are not around? And you know, looking back on this I realize that family is the most important part of this. Without them I do not know what I would do. Its not about stuff, and it is not about money, it is about the people we love and the time we spend with them.

Day 45 The Perfect Mom Project

Mark and I sat our girls down last night and let them know about my Stepfather, who is also their Papa (Grandpa). It was not an easy conversation to have with my children. It has been such a short time since my Mom passed and I was not sure if they would be able to handle the news. Once I explained what I knew (so far) about his diagnosis, and shared with them the information that I had received yesterday, we had a conversation about God and life's journey.

You see, I believe with all my heart that our life's journey here is guided by God. While each of us thinks that we are making decisions for ourselves each day, God is guiding those decisions. I explained to the girls that God's path is not the easy path, but if we walk with confidence in his love we will get through our journey with love in our hearts.

I know that for my Stepfather the last few years have been difficult. You see, he lives on a canal in Louisiana and during Katrina my parents main floor of their beautiful home was completely destroyed. During this same time period, my Mom had 2 rounds of cancer and also Alzheimer's, before she passed away. Now he is dealing with his own life battle.

These things would seem to some of us that God is vengeful, but I disagree. I am certain that God sets in front of us a life he believes that we can live that will honor and glorify him. How we live it is up to us. All the challenges we have can be faced with Gods help. Any expectation that we deserve happiness and an easy journey will always fall short. A belief that we can surrender all our troubles to God and he will provide is more realistic to me.

As we explained to our girls last night, it is our job to live the best we can and to live and move through each trial to prepare us to meet God. Some of us will meet him sooner and some of us will meet him later, so you never have time to waste. I hope that my children will continue to love God and to honor him each and everyday. I pray that when their own trials in life arise, they will see them as opportunities to fulfill Gods promises.

For my Stepfather I pray that whatever the path is for him now that he walks with confidence. I also pray that God is holding him in his arms and reassuring him that he is his child and he will bring him the calm and peace that he needs right now. These are difficult times for a perfect Mom in progress, but I know God has my back!

Day 44 The Perfect Mom Project

This week is our local high schools homecoming. Each day of this week there is a different theme, for example yesterday was college day and the kids could wear there college gear. Aly tells me one friend of hers had Michigan State tattoos on her face and Michigan State clothing on as well. Aly is a member of the Sophomore student counsel and she is expected to participate in the weekly activities to help show school spirit. So when she was preparing for today's theme last night things turned interesting.

Today's homecoming theme is the 80's and neon. My first reaction was, how do these two things possibly go together? Whatever, I am not in high school and as I have had pointed out to me, "You don't get it Mom!" For the last several days Aly has been trying to come up with the perfect 80's outfit. I have given her some ideas and I even had a blazer I gave up from the good old days as a sacrifice to the cause. Aly spent a good amount of time trying to get the neon and 80's thing to mesh. She even went so far as to Google, 80's outfits.

Now, I just want to say that Google must have a mean streak, or a really bad memory of the 80's, because when she came to me during her trial run, all dressed in her outfit and said "What do you think about this Mom?" all I could say was, "We did not dress like that in the 80's!" Now things started to heat up, we went back and forth debating what Google thought was 80's and what I lived in the 80's. Well, at one point Aly says to me, "Well, I guess I cannot wear this, since you told me I look stupid!"

OK, I never said that, someone striving for mothering perfection knows better then to tell her child she looks stupid! I kept pushing the point that I lived the 80's and what she was wearing did not even remotely bring back fashion memories. As things heated up, I realized that I was not going to be the one prancing around the school in that getup, so let it go! I said, "You know what Aly if that is something you are comfortable wearing to school tomorrow then that is all that matters, my only point is that we did not dress like that." I then shut up.

Later in the evening she seemed to have a change of heart and took the outfit down a couple of notches. As we talked about it I explained to her that it is great to get in the spirit of things, but when it begins to make you upset or stressed, it is not worth it anymore. I wish that I had learned that lesson early on. I have spent a good part of my life trying to do everything just right. The problem with that is that you lose the joy. It is just not fun anymore when you make it a "have to" instead of a "want to".

I think that Aly and I both learned a lesson last night. I hope that Aly learned that she can have fun and be a part of activities without losing herself, and I have learned that when your daughter asks for your opinion, she really does not want it. Maybe Mom is starting to "get it" after all, we shall see.

Day 43 The Perfect Mom Project

The question of the day is, how does yesterdays post relate to mothering? When Mark originally suggested that I blog about what was going on in my family that is the question I asked him. I do not want to use this project to complain about everything that goes on in my life. I want this to be healing and thought provoking. After some thought I decided that sharing what was happening was a good way of releasing some of the issues that are running around in my head.

I cannot be the kind of Mom I hope to be if I am upset and worried. I also need to talk about the issues surrounding my Mom's death so that I can make peace with her passing. I am discovering as I move forward with this project that there are no quick fixes in parenting or relationships. They are continuous works in progress. Which means that I too am a work in progress.

Being a work in progress gives me hope. It means I am not done yet, that I have more to learn and more to offer. I am up for that challenge! I can except anything that comes my way as a chance to grow as a person and not crumble. I may not like what life is handing me right now, but I still have to take care of my family and I still have to take care of myself. I am so very lucky to have the unconditional love of my husband and children, unconditional love is something that is new to me and I cherish it.

I pray that in the weeks to come that I can share more about what is happening in my world. I hope that you will allow me to be honest and understand that life gets dirty sometimes. It is what you do with the dirt that makes the difference. If you sweep it under the carpet or ignore it it will never go away. I am hoping that by sweeping it up and looking at it clearly I can dump it into life's waste bin and move on!

Now, I need to get moving, today is the first day of the new carpool I joined and it is my week to drive Avery and her friend to school. I cannot wait to see what challenges this brings to a perfect mom in progress!

Day 42 The Perfect Mom Project

I received a one two punch the other day. I got a call from one of my Stepsisters letting me know that my Stepfather is believed to have lung cancer. They have not done the biopsy yet, but according to my Stepsister it does not look good at this point. While we discussed the information about my Stepfather she also shared with me that he had to postpone the wedding that he had planned for this weekend because of this discovery. I was not prepared for either piece of news.

I am still mourning my Mom and to hear that someone else in my life is dealing with a serious illness is overwhelming enough, but to also hear that the person that was my mother's spouse for over 25 years was remarrying really knocked me to the ground. So many things are going through my mind that it is hard to even make sense of any of it.

Since I do not like to put other peoples names in my blog because it is so public, I will not share my Stepsisters name, however I will say that she has worked hard to maintain a relationship with me. I know from the things that she has said to me that she truly considers me part of her family. The hard part is that I do not feel a part of the family. I do not know if it is because I was so much older when my Mom married her Dad, but I have always felt like an outsider. None of this matters right now, but it is an important part of my internal struggle with the information I have just received.

First and foremost I am very sad that my Stepfather is dealing with this right now. I am even more sad for my Stepsisters, I know how scary it is to wait for the information. I also know the struggle of being far from your parent and not being able to be there for them. You want so much to help them and take care of them, but your life and family are somewhere else. You can not be in two places at once. This is extremely painful and it is a constant pull on your heart.

I have known for sometime that my Stepfather was seeing someone. This woman is actually someone my Stepfather hired to care for my Mom while he was at work. He had told me he was seeing her after he had put my Mom in hospice care. I was not happy when he told me and I told him that. However, the relationship continued. I am sad for my Mom that she did not have 100 % of her life partners attention when she died. I have to assume that my Stepfather is one of those men that can not be alone. The hard part is that he is stomping all over his family as he tries to find what he thinks is happiness.

I cannot imagine being this other woman. How does she make all of this right in her heart? That is assuming that she does have a heart. She played footsies (and possibly more) with my Stepfather while my Mom was dieing only 5 months ago, so that alone makes me question her integrity. Now she is going to marry him? I feel like this is an episode of a new Fall drama.

Now comes the questions of the day. How can I be there for my Stepfather? I am still very angry with him for having this relationship, but the idea of cancer is bigger then that. How do I put this anger aside. How can I help my Stepsisters deal with all of this when I want to go punch this woman out? I cannot be the voice of calm and reason when I am thinking of violence. I am pretty sure that this woman has no idea the scorn and disgust she is going to be dealing with. If she is aware of it, and she is still willing to marry him then I am certain that she has ulterior motives.

I am going to pray for wisdom and guidance. I have no choice, this is something I must put in God's hands. I am not strong enough to resolve this on my own.

Day 41 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, it is with no great surprise that I tell you that Avery spent the night at a friends house last night. I knew a couple of days ago that she would find a way to high tail it out of here. When she got the call (to spend the night) yesterday afternoon, I really mulled it over. Her room was still looking like a crash site and I wanted to stand my ground about getting it picked up. I mean if you are going to set a standard that she has to pick up her room shouldn't you stick to it?

I gave in...OK, I totally caved. I kept thinking how bored she would be here at home, since I had friends of my own coming over. I did still set the expectation that she get her room picked up before she left for her friends house, if for no other reason then being able to find things that she needed to take along with her on the sleepover.

This morning, (as I waited for my sacred coffee to brew) I realized that Avery's soccer uniform was probably dirty since she just had a game two days ago. Since I am working towards perfect mothering I decided that I would go in her room and get her uniform out of her laundry and wash it for her. This is the spot in the movies where you watch the victim go into the room and you are yelling, "NO NO, don't go in there!" To late. I went in and thought, "the room does not look that great, I am going to have to talk to Avery about this." Then I opened her closet to get the uniform out of the laundry, actually it was more like I pried the door open. I could not believe my eyes. I had just discovered the Bermuda Triangle of our home! Everything came pouring out, shoes, socks, clothes, pillows, slipper (note: the other slipper is still missing), underwear, belts, body wash, the list is to long to continue, but you get the point.

As I looked around the room I felt like a fool. How could I have fallen for this? I am not a stupid person, yet here I was standing in the middle of this mess, once again! I started yanking everything out of the closet. First, so that I could find the soccer uniform, (no use not completing my task) and second, to shock the heck out of Avery when she walks in there. Something tells me I am going to have a very angry girl later this morning.

My Mother-in-law has assured me that later in life she will clean up her act, and I know that I had "the messies" when I was younger too, but right now it concerns me. Can this child be helped? Is it time for an intervention? No, no intervention, but probably a short conversation about how I risked my life to get to her uniform. I might even play the "absolutely no fun until this room is picked up" card. But as you know now, I will fold like a deck of cards when the phone rings and one of her friends is calling. Perhaps, her messy room is not as big a deal as I make it, but if you tell her I said that, I will deny it!

Day 40 The Perfect Mom Project

There has been a lot of media attention lately about a famous person who avoided prosecution for the rape of a 13 year old girl. This person fled the country before his trial and basically lived a full life for 31 years in another country. He has now been captured and charged, and they are working to extradite him back to the United States for prosecution. There has also been heated discussion about whether or not it was rape, because for whatever reason he was able to plea bargain down to sexual relations with a minor.

Without going into to much detail, it has been said that this child was given drugs and alcohol by this man. He then proceeded to engage (in an attempt to keep this PG and not to belittle the event) have his way with the child. This whole thing has brought up a couple of issues for me.

Both of my youngest girls are in this age range. I cannot even imagine what I would do if anything even remotely similar to this happened to one of my children. I love that my children are growing up slowly and learning about life in a positive way. I know that I can not shield them from everything, after all Aly is in high school and I know it is a real eye opener there. On the other hand I also know that for now their innocence is not in jeopardy. My girls still have a joy and a spark about life that burns brightly everyday. I can not imagine that being taking away from them. I know I would struggle with forgiving anyone that hurt my girls.

I was molested when I was 11 years old. At the time I did not realize that's what it was. I was alone with my Mom's boyfriend and he took advantage of me. I struggled with what happened for many years, I knew it was not right, but at the same time I did not know why. I never told anyone, because I was afraid no one would believe me. I even took a chance when I was in my 20's and told my Mom about it, and as I expected she did not believe me. I have talked about this in therapy on and off for many years hoping to finally resolve the guilt, but there will always be a piece of me missing. A piece of me that someone I trusted took away. Nothing can bring that back.

That was 38 years ago for me and I still have the emotional scars. I laugh when I hear different people debating about this man. They bring up how long its been and how the authorities should let it go. The victim has even come forward and asked that it be let go. I am not surprised. You do not want to remember something like this. You want to keep it as far removed from you as you can. The trouble is that every time you hear about someone taking away the innocence of a child you remember what happened to you, you can never "let it go".

I joke about being the "Perfect Mom', but the truth is I will do anything I can to protect my girls from predators. I know that some things in life you can not control, but I will stay as diligent as I can. I never want them to have to look back at what they lost, or to feel the guilt for someone Else's wrong. I will be praying for this victim, she needs to know God's arms are around her. I also pray that justice will win. For me it does not matter how many years ago it was, because today it feels like it happened yesterday.

Day 39 The Perfect Mom Project

How can it be Thursday already? I swear it was just Monday! On top of that it is the first day of October. Jeez, could time be going any faster? Maybe, it was just the busy first few weeks of school that made time go by so fast. Whatever it is I hope it slows down a little.

My youngest daughter has requested to have some girlfriends spend the night again. I honestly think that Avery is going to be my party girl. She loves having friends over. I am not sure what it is about the sleepovers that she likes so much. When I told her I was not sure if it would work this weekend, she said, "Well, maybe one of my friends will have me over then." Perhaps she just does not want another weekend alone with her family. Last weekend went so well, you remember, everything we planned did a giant belly flop!

It is hard to tell her no. She has such a cute little face and she opens up her big doe eyes..."Pllleeaassse Mom." I will have to pull out my old standby reply that she has to pick up her room. It has gone from super tidy to holy frighty! If nothing else having friends visit is a great way to get a clean bedroom out of her.

Oh my gosh, I just figured it out. Avery is actually a very tidy person, but she leaves her room messy so that she can use it as leverage in having friends over. OK, I am on to her now. I guess I will hold out and see if she brings the sleepover up again. I will not let on that I am on to her plan. If she opens those big blue eyes at me though, I know I will be a goner! I will have to use all of my Mom powers to resist her. Oh, who am I kidding, I don't have any power!